How do I parent 2?

[SundayCrepes]

I am a SAHM with a 4 year old and almost 18 month old. The last year was VERY hard as my son was exceedingly rough with the baby. That is under control and we now live just a normal life with 2 little kids.

Except I don't think I'm doing it so well. Before my son was born we did lots of activities--playdough, puzzles, artwork, etc. Now I'm just too overwhelmed to do any of that stuff. Mainly we go places like the park or have friends come over.

On the days we don't go any place, I feel like I don't DO anything with my kids. I think kids need down time and it's not my job to entertain them every minute. However, I don't feel like I do anything with them other than read books (and boy do we read books.) And it's not like I'm absorbed in housework or something. You'd know that the second you stepped foot in our house (LOL.)

It's like my nervous system is on overload and I just can't figure out how to sit down and play with them.

This is my second batch of kids. The first my husband brought to our marriage. They were 6 and 8. I never had these issues with them because their needs weren't so intense.

I'm sure (I hope) this will get better as they get older. For now I'm just looking for some advice or BTDT on how to find activities we can all do together. More basic, I'm trying to figure out how to not be like a deer in the headlights. How do I find the activation energy I need to do activities with my kids?

[sewaneecook]

Life with 2 is draining even doing the minimum! Don't beat yourself up, no mom lives up to her ideal. If both kids are relatively clean, fed, and somewhat happy, you're doing well!

Do you do any craft projects? These are a hit with my 3.5 year old (my 2nd is too young yet). The current favorite is to "paint" the bathtub with shaving cream colored with food coloring. Some other favorites:
-stamps of various shapes and ink pads on easel paper
-chalk (both on the sidewalk and on a chalk board)
-digging in the mud (messy, but fun)
-playing in a bowl of uncooked rice (hiding things in it, feeling it through your fingers, etc.)
-play monster truck rally (making larger trucks drive over smaller ones ... DS is a car nut)
-go to a store with a train table (we have a train set at home, but the novelty of a different one gives me a break and out of the house on tough days)
-"washing" plastic dishes under running water (this usually buys me enough time to get dinner started)
-cleaning is another favorite. I have a small broom, I let DS vacuum, and I have a small mop that he loves to use (not very effectively, but it occupies him)
-read, read, and read some more ... all kids love to be read to.

[SundayCrepes]

Those are all great ideas. What I need is the activation energy to do those kinds of things. We do a lot of going places kind of things, the park, botanical gardens, etc. With a toddler in the equation, I'm just not doing home based activities. We do read a lot. And my son helps me cook. We play with the chickens some.

I guess I get nervous because we will homeschool and I'm not acting like the homeschooling kind of mama I want to be.

[Catherine12]

Do you need more rest? Perhaps if you found a way to get more downtime for yourself you would have more energy for kid-activities.

There are three approaches that I can think of you could try:
1. find activities that both kids can engage in. For example, you could do a craft with your 4yo, and your toddler could play with some of the materials, scribble with a marker, etc. He will feel involved even if he is not doing the exact same thing as his older brother.

2. Distract one child with independent play so you can work one-on-one with the other child.

3. Find more activities that your 4yo can do with minimal supervision, so that he can do more even if you are not energetic.

[SundayCrepes]

I get plenty of sleep--that's never been an issue. The downtime I get is at night after everyone's in bed.

I fear it's a habit thing. I haven't figured out how to "just" do this stuff. Your ideas, Catherine, are good. I just don't do them.

I need a system. I'm not sure what it is.

The whining doesn't help. I've been working a lot with my 4 year old and it's better. Then out of the blue this afternoon he pitched a tremendous fit. Somehow the fit is better than the whining.

Then there's the baby. Naturally she's preverbal. She's a rather happy little soul, but she is in a toddler body.

The whining is like hot pokers on my nerves.

[Catherine12]

I find it helps to pick out things to do ahead of time but leave flexibility as to when I do them - for example, I might plan to bake cookies sometime this week, and buy ingredients for them. Once you have planned something out (even if planning is as simple as picking out a recipe and buying powdered sugar) you have something invested in the project and are more likely to carry through.

I think you need to make it easier for yourself - think up a list of things your dc would enjoy and make sure you have whatever you need for them ready to go. This could be art supplies, puzzles, activity books, etc. Make sure at least some of the things on your list are not too messy (personally, I find the most intimidating part of some activities, especially crafts, is the cleanup). Watercolor paints, playing with yarn or cloth, cutting shapes out but not gluing them, and playdough are all relatively non-messy options. Also, there are lots of games you can play, including educational ones, that require little set up or cleanup (simon says, throwing bean bags into a basket or at letters, counting how many times you can hop in a row...)

You could try setting a goal for yourself of doing a certain number of actvities in a week - start modest and attainable and don't beat yourself up if you don't meet your target. At your kids' ages, free play is important, and it sounds like your giving them a lot of enriching experiences even if they aren't always that structured.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by Catherine12

You could try setting a goal for yourself of doing a certain number of actvities in a week - start modest and attainable and don't beat yourself up if you don't meet your target. At your kids' ages, free play is important, and it sounds like your giving them a lot of enriching experiences even if they aren't always that structured.

I think this is the answer and I just need to make it part of my life.

In the olden days, including with the first batch of kids, dinner was always figured out at the last minute. If ingredients were missing, someone would go to the store (easy to do when the kids can stay by themselves, if need be.) Suddenly I had babies and that system doesn't work any more. Now I plan out my menu for a week and buy all the ingredients I will need in one shopping event. Although there is the random trip to the store, it's usually for bananas. If I don't exactly stick to my menu plan, it's not that big a deal. And for emergencies I always have jarred spaghetti sauce and pasta.

It was a huge deal for me to figure out this simple solution. I think the activities is the same. I just need to plan them out at the beginning of the week and do my best to make sure it happens.

We do have tons of opportunities for our kids. Art supplies, bead and animal lacing, toys that stir creativity both indoors and out, etc. They do get a lot of stimulation through self-entertainment. I just want to give them some structured time--like I used to with my son.

One idea I'd love to share because it was so great is: Once I bought a can of shaving cream and let my sun play with it (outside.) He sure enjoyed that. Unfortunately the baby can't join in that because she'd eat it. However, I'm sure I can come up with ideas that she can join in on.

I just need to start doing it.

Thanks for all the ideas. I'm still open to more.

[mamabutterfly]

I hear you on the motivation thing. I find being at home w/ my toddler tough because I've learned I'm really extrinsically motivated (always looking to be noticed/praised/acknowledged for what I do from someone else besides myself). The house and kids stuff is meaningful to me in an abstract way but on a day to day basis I have trouble motivating myself to so something creative with my toddler when in a way no one will "notice" it and I'm not accountable to anyone if I don't do it.

I work part time and there I am very high energy and excited to do the work I do - at home it feels like whatever we do will just be one more thing to clean up. I have been known to 'leave out' a finger painting project or whatnot so my husband will see it when he gets home and know what we did. That sounds so lame!

Fom what you describe a schedule of activities could be really beneficial to you the way it is with the meal planning. It is lke giving yourself some accountability or structure in a good way, something you can hold yourself to when feeling uninspired.
I'd think your 4 y.o. coulod really be a help in this. My dd1 goes to school, but when she is home, or in th summer, we love to make a whole routine for the day on a dry erase board (when she was younger we used drawings to represent snack, park, books, lunch). She really likes to schedule 'homeschool' days like school days. Anyway, I wonder if it might help to have your 4 y.o. setting up the day with you a bit, choosing a craft, an outing, a cooking activity, and a physical game (or whatever).
If it were me I'd also block out time that you and 4 y.o. do your own things (during the toddler's nap?), so you know that you have breaks and can throw yourself into "morning fun" a little more.

[SundayCrepes]

Alas, the toddler's naps are not useful time. I let my son watch a documentary dvd while I'm putting the baby to sleep. He doesn't want to turn it off early. They last about 40 minutes. If we're lucky she'll sleep until the end of the dvd. So there is no time for just mom and son time.

[mamabutterfly]

Even better - I actually meant, do your own things as in he do is while you do yours. Sounds like you can get a few minutes of that while he watches the DVD. I was also saying that dd1 & I used to also block out times when we did things that were all of us and timefor us each to 'play' separately (she would build with tinkertoys, I would get something done, then we'd come back together). Sometimes we'd even set the time egg timer. I let her do it so she was leading it and thought it was fun. I only mention this because it helped my SAHM days feel less aimless and unstructured, which was for me what felt so blah about them.

[Peppermint Poppies]

Originally Posted by mamabutterfly

I have been known to 'leave out' a finger painting project or whatnot so my husband will see it when he gets home and know what we did. That sounds so lame!

I do the same thing! And .... this is really, really lame .... I'll sometimes blog about it or facebook it, just to let EVERYONE know, not just DH.

Actually, in some respects, being able to blog or facebook what I've done does help to motivate me to do the activities in the first place. If external praise and acknowledgement is what drives you, then use that to your advantage!