I am fuming!!!

[Everrgreen]

Thank you all for the responses, I am now deleting this for privacy

[StephandOwen]

I'm sorry. Can I just say that the burden should not be on you, but on him? You cannot force someone to be involved in your child's life. Trust me- my ds is 6 and his dad is more or less long gone. When I first broke up with ds's bio-dad I tried for months to force him to see ds. I even brought ds to ex's parents house (where he was living) at least once a week so he could see him. He chose to sleep through those visits. At one point (between the ages of 9ish months and 2 years 1 month) ex was taking ds on visits.... sorta... but never for longer than 3 hours at a time. At 2 years 1 month he just stopped. I tried calling him and figuring out what was going on, but he wouldn't talk to me. I realized a long time ago that he'll do what he wants to do and the only thing I can do is be here for my son. I will be the constant in his life. He will know who loves him and cares for him and would give the world for him. Eventually, on his own time, he'll also learn who is the deadbeat and who he can and cannot count on to be there when he needs him.

Now I take ds to ex's state about 6 times per year (last year was 8, this year is maybe 4) to give him a chance to see him. Most of the time he chooses not to. When he does it's always supervised by me and never longer than about 2 hours. That is completely his choice. We never hear from him between visits. No phone calls, letters, emails, texts, nothing. I have come to the realization that I cannot count on him for anything, so I don't. That thought isn't even in the back of my mind anymore. When ds was hospitalized for 4 days last summer for a mystery illness I did text ex and let him know (we didn't know if he was going to have surgery at that time so I thought it prudent to let him know since he does have joint legal right now). All ex said was something along the lines of "he's a tough boy. He'll bounce back"..... as my ds was laying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and iv's with a fever of 107. I don't think I ever texted him when ds was released from the hospital, and he never asked. He didn't care one bit.

All that to say.... my advice from someone who has btdt- let him go. Stop calling him asking when he's going to come over. Stop calling if he doesn't show when he says he will. Go about your life and if he decides to stop by, fine. If not- don't wait around for him. Life is too short for this kind of stress.

One of the wise mamas on here (MsChatsAlot ) once told me years ago that you cannot force a parent to be involved. If he wants to be involved, he'll jump through hoops to make it happen. I have tried to remember that over the years and it's definitely made it easier for me to just let him go and stop stressing myself out over when/if he'll see ds.

[wytchywoman]

I'm going to be frank here for a minute...why are you attending marriage counseling? Is this really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is this someone that you want DS growing up with? Perhaps counseling will turn him around, but like Steph said, if someone wanted to be involved in their child's life, a herd of wild horses wouldn't stop them. He made a load of excuses and my guess would be that more than a few weren't anywhere near the truth.

[Everrgreen]

Thank you for your responses.

deleting the rest for privacy

[MsChatsAlot]

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn but one THE MOST IMPORTANT lesson I had to learn as a single mother is that I have absolutely NO control over their father, what he does, how he parents, how involved he is, etc.

I did like you, for the first while...I went out of my way to make it easy for him to be involved, I bent over backwards and turned my life upside down to accomodate him and basically bring the kids to his doorstep.

But, then I met a dad who would move heaven and earth to be with his child. He would sit on the school floor to have lunch with her on his 'off' week, he created all sorts of ways to spend more time with her than he was 'scheduled'.

I took a step back and realized...my ex didn't WANT to be more involved. I wanted him to, but he didn't and his actions were speaking loud and clear.

It was a hard pill to swallow at first. I felt sad for my children. I felt enormous guilt for choosing him to be the father of my children, etc. But none of that helped me either.

So...I just stopped and decided to let him be the parent he wanted to be and give him the space to step up to the plate or fall off the earth...and I came to peace with either extreme and everything in between.

You can't make him parent the way you'd like him too and parenting him will only cause you more stress and angst than you or your little one needs. Take that time and energy when you feel frustrated and pour it into love and affection for your child. If his dad continues on this path, your little one will need one very strong, consistent and loving force in his life.

I'm wishing you all well.

[Everrgreen]

Thank you. It is a tough lesson to learn and accept.

deleting the rest for privacy