When can I expect her to entertain and soothe herself?

[ps4624]

DD is 11 mo old and has absolutely no ability to soothe herself. She also has very little ability to entertain herself - maybe 5 minutes tops. Hubby and I have been very responsive to her needs since day 1, but I'm beginning to feel like maybe we have done her a disservice by always responding immediately.

This is my first baby and I'm learning as I go, so please bear with me.

Thanks

[JMJ]

Oh, mamma. Everybody will tell you that you've done her a disservice, but your daughter will grow up more confident knowing that she always has your support that she can fall back on. Different babies have different personalities and different needs, and it's hard to say when they'll be ready to play by themselves for a long time. After all, it's more fun to play with people. Even as an adult, I like to relate to people most of the time, and if there's something bothering me, I do better if I can talk to somebody about it, and a cuddle with my husband always helps. Eventually, your little one will go exploring and find enough to discover in the world that it will take her a while before she wants to come back. In the meantime, you're doing a great job of showing her that you'll always be there for her.

[LadyCatherine185]

I think for every child it is different. My DS had a hard time being put down at all until he started crawling at 6 months, then he'd tolerate it for 5-20 minutes or so a couple times a day. Then when he started cruising at 8 months, he was happy to do that for awhile, then when he started walking at 9/10 months he has done MUCH better entertaining himself. He usually needs to check back every few minutes, and there are days where he won't entertain himself AT ALL, but those are usually days that I am trying to get something done and he senses that I'm "ignoring" him. I just try to keep distracting him with different toys, and he also likes for me to just sit in the area where his toys are and he will play with them. He is fairly independant now, like when we go outside or to the park he wants to run around and away from me. But at home he gets "bored" so he is definitely more clingy.

ETA: I will say that he seems more secure/independant than all of the other toddlers his age in our playgroup. None of them were AP parented at all. Temperment has a lot to do with it.

[lifeguard]

Ds is very independent & has been for a long time but cannot self soothe at all, so I don't think the two things are necessarily related. They'll gain independence when they're ready.

[cristeen]

I think it really depends on what you mean by soothe...

Every child is truly different. My 4 mo is surprising me by his ability to entertain himself. Twice just today he has woken from a nap and I've had no idea until I walked back into the room and he was wide awake playing with his hands (the source of endless fascination to him). I don't know how long he was awake before I noticed, but he was perfectly content to play by himself - and he can't even sit up yet.

If he's having a crying fit though, I don't expect him to be able to soothe himself. I know if I'm in that mood I want someone to hug me and hold me, why should I expect differently from him?

[racheepoo]

My (almost 6 year old) son is both more and less independent than I expected him to be given his babyhood. He goes to school all day and functions beautifully, but can only play himself for about 10 minutes still. He's very secure in my love and with his emotions, quite empathic and just a beautiful soul. But he really still can't entertain/self soothe very well. It's different for everyone.

[pastrygirl]

My 3.5-year-old just started playing by himself in the past month...

If by "soothe" you mean go to sleep by himself, he did that for bedtime at around 13 months, and for naps at around 2 years old.

[cyclamen]

nak. Regarding sleep.. I dunno, ask me in two years! Lol.

But playing by herself? This helped us:

I would sit in the floor with her in my lap, and have something else, like a book to read, or a friend to talk to at playgroup. And I would pay attention to her out of the corner of my eye. Eventually she would crawl away to look for something interesting to explore. Then she would come back to cuddle, nurse, or something. Now she spends a lot of time riding on my back, but we also sit in the living room and she crawls around exploring things while i do homework or mommy stuff and she comes to my chair if she needs me. This started because I had to finish my thesis and no childcare, so we had to make it work. took a lot of time to eke out my not very interrupted hour lol. (we started at 4mo, with me distracting her from eating the laptop and working in two minute bursts - she is 7mo now and loves her floortime)...

I do think riding on my back so much has helped anchor her too, to help her feel secure enoughh to explore. aNd some days i call it a wash and we just go for a walk

[firelillylight]

soothing herself...dunno...haven't got there yet myself. but my dd is 9 mo and she fluxuates in her ability/desire to play by herself. she started playing by herself at 4 mo when she could sit up--her hands, toys...she was happy to see the world differently! now she's cruisin and crawling and sometimes she'll playa nd sometimes not so much. she has discovered the fun of balls though. if you can imagine a cat swatting at a tennis ball or soccer ball on wood floors---thats my dd!! and she loves chasing it....loves it. the other night itr was for like 30 minutes!!!! her giggling the whole time. i think it helps to rotate the toys in her aresenal too.

hope this helps!

[akind1]

As my LO is only 10 wks old, don't have much to add but my little experience; If he wakes up and isn't hungry right away, he will just lay quiet rolling from side to side (not over yet) and looking at his hands, sometimes cooing to himself. He sleeps at night in our co-sleeper and during the day usually on his play mat.

i don't think you can really call it self-soothing, but he does fuss himself to sleep sometimes, doesn't matter if he is held or not, just wants to grunt and groan and squirm his way to dreamland.

As for playing by himself, he does this alot (needs must, as I am a WAHM) he will talk himself to bits and play on his mat and be happy as a lark. Sometimes he wants to cuddle, and but he is perfectly happy just being within sight or smell of me. He spends part of the morning propped up next to me on the couch as I work on the laptop.

I think it just depends on the baby's tempermant really, I don't think you are doing her a disservice; I have found though, sometimes he is fussing or grunting and I may think he wants a cuddle, but he does seem to just want to fuss and grunt (because he keeps doing it regardless). She will separate eventually, and while it is a bit of a relief when they do, soon enough you kind of wish they were still a bit more cuddly!

[CageFreeFamily]

All three of mine are totally different in this regard.
DS1 is 7 and is still my neediest child. He only began entertaining himself about a year and a half ago, I think after my DD2 modeled it for him.

DD2 is almost three and has been entertaining herself since she was a wee baby and required little soothing from me or herself.

DD3 is 10 wks old and is definitely more needy in attention than DD2 was, but nothing like DS1. She will sit happily in my arms and watch the goings on while I write. I can put her down for up to 10 minutes so that I can make meals for my older two, and she seems to have discovered her thumb as a happy/preferred soother to nursing. I keep trying to nurse her when she fusses, but she's just looking for her own thumb. I'm a bit torn on this, but she seems happy and content.

Kids are different, and the spectrum is huge!

It may not always get better quickly, but it usually changes before you know it.