when the babywearing/cosleeping phase of attachment parenting ends...

[Juvysen]

how do you keep your kids attached... or, well, help them feel secure in their relationship to you?

DD's 4 (just barely), Ds is 2.5, I got another baby coming in a couple months. DD's just not been herself lately, she's clingy/needy/tantrumy and... I dunno. She clearly needs to feel more secure. But my cuddling with her doesn't seem to be helping... so how do I help my 4 year old who no longer cosleeps and i can't really carry around, and stopped nursing a year and a half ago... how do I help her out. I'm sure she's feeling leary of this baby coming, though she's excited too...

Suggestions? I feel like the AP stuff is all geared for teeny kids or something... Did I miss something?

[MariaMadly]

Listen to them. As in "hear them" as opposed to "obey," of course.

They'll show you.

[lauren]

I think it's all about attunement-- remaining attuned to the needs of the child. For example noticing that a cranky uncooperative child is probably a tired/hungry/worried child and dealing with those things instead of giving a consequence, etc. Also making time for each child doing something that s/he enjoys helps a lot. Snuggle time. Friendship circles on the face and eskimo kisses. Reading. Just some random thoughts!

[rzberrymom]

If it were me, I would welcome her back into the bedroom. My 4 year old DD has her bed next to ours, and it really helped with bonding when I was pregnant and when our new baby was born. Having a family bedroom has remained a powerful discipline tool for us as DD gets older.

[ann_of_loxley]

This is when we discovered 'consensual living'. It started with Alfie Kohns books and then led to Pam Leo and Naomi Aldort! hehe

And yeah - it might help having her back in the bed. My son is 4 and still sleeps with us and I havn't even suggested otherwise as we have another little one coming in April! Its a great way to wind down and connect at the end of a long hectic day! Of course - sometimes this is easier said than done because of space. We just now have, literally, wall-to-wall bed in the 'bedroom'...literally just a bedroom! lmao

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by rzberrymom

If it were me, I would welcome her back into the bedroom. My 4 year old DD has her bed next to ours, and it really helped with bonding when I was pregnant and when our new baby was born. Having a family bedroom has remained a powerful discipline tool for us as DD gets older.

She does come into our bed in the mornings to cuddle, but our bedroom is pitifully small and there's just no chance we can fit her bed in there. Ds usually is cuddling in the morning (well, often he comes into our bed around 2 am), too... and we only have a queen size bed and not really any chance of getting a bigger one at this point. It's going to be interesting when this baby comes.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

This is when we discovered 'consensual living'. It started with Alfie Kohns books and then led to Pam Leo and Naomi Aldort! hehe

I haven't read the books, but we do tend toward CL. She used to be *so good* about talking things through and coming up with mutual solutions between us all and she'll still give suggestions on compromises when DH is trying to work with Ds, but generally she's turned to tantrums lately instead of even discussing with us, and that's where I'm feeling like something's up with her. We pretty much have to work her out of the tantrum before we can even come to a place where we can discuss things. And often she has been even having tantrums when she hears an immediate "yes" because she hasn't been listening to what we say.

I should read the books, though... I do find that *I* do better with things when I'm frequently reading. This pregnancy has been kicking my butt, lately, though, so I've been falling behind on my reading, and the kids have been focusing on the TV instead of us doing much together.

[prothyraia]

Get down to her level (well, okay, that's hard when you're pregnant, maybe stand her on a chair ), look into her eyes, listen to what she has to say, and take her seriously.

[Natsuki]

You need to make intentional time to bond with her - what is her love language? (quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, etc... - obviously an oversimplification but if you can pinpoint what is most meaningful to her and do that it helps the relaitonship).

Have a 'mommy daughter date' every week where you go and do something special with just her - this can be as simple as running errands (my DS loves to do that with me), working on an art project, reading a book together with her on your lap, going to a restaurant and ordering milk shakes.

As children grow the ways that we express love and affection to them grow and change too - trying to return to the old ways is probably not going to be as effective as developing new tools of connection based on your child's temperament.

[Juvysen]

Yeah... strangely enough, I think her love language is schoolwork. She had been going to a teeny tiny montessori school but we pulled her out for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was her behavior change. I just bought some "activities" to do with her - she's really into learning to read, so I bought stuff so we can do a "word journal" and she's very excited about that. I also bought some math manipulatives.

Usually when I do errands on the weekends (I'm a SAHM, so if I'm doing it during the week, ds comes, too) I do take her exclusively - Ds was getting "mommy time" while she was at school previously. These don't happen a lot, though, because Dh has a very flexible schedule for work, and since he's in town, anyway, it makes sense for him to do those kinds of things instead of my wasting gas driving all over, when it's right on the way for him. Dd and I have been reading Charlotte's Web, together, too...

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by Natsuki

You need to make intentional time to bond with her - what is her love language? (quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, etc... - obviously an oversimplification but if you can pinpoint what is most meaningful to her and do that it helps the relaitonship).

Have a 'mommy daughter date' every week where you go and do something special with just her - this can be as simple as running errands (my DS loves to do that with me), working on an art project, reading a book together with her on your lap, going to a restaurant and ordering milk shakes.

As children grow the ways that we express love and affection to them grow and change too - trying to return to the old ways is probably not going to be as effective as developing new tools of connection based on your child's temperament.

I agree with this. My dd is 4 and I am a WOHM so at times things get hectic. Generally my dd's behavior gets a tad crazy when we are not spending dedicated time together. I realize since you have other kids (I do too but my other child is almost 18) but even something like a tea party or just 20-30 mins of time focused on her specifically can make a difference. At least that's what I have found to be helpful.

While bringing her back in your room could help I don't think its necessary for connection. I grapple with that decision but after 3 years of not sleeping due to co-sleeping I just could not bring her back in my bed. Again just meeting her where she is is can be a huge help. Perhaps if the 2.5 yo naps you can make nap time special time with your 4 yo.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by shayinme

I agree with this. My dd is 4 and I am a WOHM so at times things get hectic. Generally my dd's behavior gets a tad crazy when we are not spending dedicated time together. I realize since you have other kids (I do too but my other child is almost 18) but even something like a tea party or just 20-30 mins of time focused on her specifically can make a difference. At least that's what I have found to be helpful.

While bringing her back in your room could help I don't think its necessary for connection. I grapple with that decision but after 3 years of not sleeping due to co-sleeping I just could not bring her back in my bed. Again just meeting her where she is is can be a huge help. Perhaps if the 2.5 yo naps you can make nap time special time with your 4 yo.

Unfortunately, he doesn't nap and hasn't in about a year They both gave up their naps really early. And they go to bed at the same time (they both NEED to be in bed earlier, but my husband gets home late then we have dinner... *sigh* life gets in the way, I guess)

This morning we spent some time (albeit with my 2 year old causing it to be somewhat hectic) doing some "schoolwork" and she's in a good place right now, it seems... I need to come up with more ways that I can focus on her without, you know, my 2 year old doing something that's not safe for him...

[majormajor]

4 has been a difficult age for my DD. lots of tantrums (well, they come and go in 3 week cycles it seems...), clinginess, regression (off and on and not severe, just periods of acting babyish/imitating her 1.5 yo sister). and general defiance. LOTS of general defiance!

in our case, i think a part of it is actually just developmentally appropriate, beginning to separate herself from mommy stuff. remember, they test out this kind of behavior on the people they are most secure with. at least, that's what i try to keep telling myself!

one thing that has really helped us is remembering that food and sleep are her biggest triggers (she's guaranteed to melt down if she's overtired or hungry). the other thing (i got this from a book) has been to recognize her need for structure. so every morning, we write up a "play plan" for the day. she has actually taken over writing it because she loves to do it so much. we put everything we're going to do that day on it (or just morning, and then another one after lunch). it helps SO MUCH! if there's a conflict over what has to happen next, i just say "oohh what does the play plan say?!" and she's happy do do whatever it says.

i didn't think it was going to help as much as it did, i was amazed.

(here's a sample of what we put on it:
-arts and crafts
-snack
-free play
-lunch
-movie while sister naps
-dance class
-free play
-dinner)

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by majormajor

4 has been a difficult age for my DD. lots of tantrums (well, they come and go in 3 week cycles it seems...), clinginess, regression (off and on and not severe, just periods of acting babyish/imitating her 1.5 yo sister). and general defiance. LOTS of general defiance!

in our case, i think a part of it is actually just developmentally appropriate, beginning to separate herself from mommy stuff. remember, they test out this kind of behavior on the people they are most secure with. at least, that's what i try to keep telling myself!

one thing that has really helped us is remembering that food and sleep are her biggest triggers (she's guaranteed to melt down if she's overtired or hungry). the other thing (i got this from a book) has been to recognize her need for structure. so every morning, we write up a "play plan" for the day. she has actually taken over writing it because she loves to do it so much. we put everything we're going to do that day on it (or just morning, and then another one after lunch). it helps SO MUCH! if there's a conflict over what has to happen next, i just say "oohh what does the play plan say?!" and she's happy do do whatever it says.

i didn't think it was going to help as much as it did, i was amazed.

(here's a sample of what we put on it:
-arts and crafts
-snack
-free play
-lunch
-movie while sister naps
-dance class
-free play
-dinner)

i should do this. I know she'd do great with it... and probably my son, too. I just really don't do well on a schedule - personal issue. I dunno. And with the new baby coming, I'm more hesitant to do scheduling because I'll likely be nursing and random times - newborn life is so random, I guess... and if I schedule before the baby comes, will it throw my kids *more* (than just the chaos of adding a sibling) if we end up off our schedule? hm Definitely something for me to consider, though.

[majormajor]

i was slow to pick up the daily schedule too. DD isn't one of those kids who has trouble transitioning from one thing to another, and has no obvious need for a schedule, so i thought it wouldn't be a big deal for her. that's part of why i was so surprised to see results. it actually could work really well with nursing, because if she has a plan to follow, she'll be less likely to need your attention while you're nursing.

i saw that you said your DD likes "schoolwork." mine does too, so i do a lot of letter sheets for her to trace and things like that. if you write out a few in advance, you can put "school" on the schedule and she'll love it. my 1.5 yo loves to color letters while DD writes them, so maybe even your 2.5 yo will get into it.

good luck with #3! my friend tells me the transition to 3 is much easier than the transition to 2.