We bought the house next door to my sister about two year ago. Long story, but the short version is we thought it would be a good idea, we were both having babies and thought it would be so fun, but it hasn't turned out great for a variety of reasons. My sister and I have been close most of our lives, but we've grown apart since our babies are born (my 4th, her 1st). I figured it was mainly due to different interests as she's a WOHM and pretty mainstream and big on consumerism, and I am a SAHM even though that means a very simple lifestyle. Her and BIL seem to mainly socialize with his family and I have been trying to make some plans with my sister without success. She's just been kind of weird and aloof with me. When I told her about DS's ASD dx, she said, "Huh." as if I had told her some random piece of mildly interesting trivia. She has the same "Huh" without comment whenever I have shared any info I have learned about it or treatments that I want to try, so I have actually stopped talking much to her about it. She doesn't seem interested at all.
So we went over yesterday for my other 19 yr old sister's BF's b-day and DS (who is 13) started having a tantrum about us having to eat a different cake (we are doing a voluntary GFCF trial as a family). I took him home for a few minutes to talk away from everyone else, but he was past the point of talking and starting screaming and then began threatening me. He has been violent in the past and has physically attacked me requiring law enforcement. My son is big for his age so it can get scary when he tantrums. I told him that if he became violent I would call the police, at which point he kicked something and he ran out of my house and back over to my sisters.
I went over to bring him back home, and found my sister and my other sister (the 19 yr old) talking to him. I thought maybe they were trying to calm him down, but as I listened, I felt their comments were making the situation worse, specifically giving DS a lot of attention for very negative behavior. DS spent 4 weeks in full-day treatment at a hospital in December for aggressive behavior, anxiety, and depression, and we learned how to deal with him and what enforces the behavior and what diffuses it. It was also this program that picked up on the ASD and we had him tested. So anyway, I approached my sisters said, "I need you guys to let him be and let me handle this ok?" My sisters just looked at me, then looked at each other, and at him, and then just absolutely laid into me! They told me that he was just a teenager, that they weren't going to turn their back on him and that I couldn't tell them what to do. I was shocked. I said, "I am his mother and if I need you to stop doing something with my child I expect you to respect that." My sister responded with, "You may be his mother but you are not my mother, you are in my house and I won't let you tell me how to act in my own house." It was like she was throwing a baby fit! So I said, "Ok then, we'll go." and I started gathering the kids to leave at which point both my sisters and my BIL absolutely attacked me verbally with pretty much any and every grievance they have against me, all of which I was previously totally unaware. It was AWFUL. I have been sick all week and almost didn't come, in fact my aunt commented I didn't look well, and then I was struggling with DS and my other three alone without DH who was at work, and we have been going through major stress the past few months, including court stuff (CPS found evidence of abuse by their bio dad and we had to get a protective order and supervised visits). Just Friday I was at the neuro where DS1 was dx with seizures and DS2's seizures aren't responding to meds so we need to set up in-hospital EEG's, not to mention being told in December that my son is autistic and my other children are likely as well....etc..etc..my family knows all of this, but I guess they figured this would be a great time to bring up all the things they are upset with me for.
I asked them to please talk to me another time, now was not good and nothing good would come of it, but I was told it was now or never. In the next 5 minutes as I got the baby's stuff in the bag, grabbed my GFCF cake and ice cream, gathered shoes, coats, etc, I got verbally pummeled.
Here is why I apparently suck. I talk about autism or other medical issues too often. I ask them to please make specific plans with DS rather than leaving stuff up in the air so he doesn't get fixated and obsess on when they are going to call for hours which is rude because I "should not tell her how or when to call her nephews as if she's a child". I also previously encouraged my sister to have her sons speech looked at in light of his cousins dx since he is almost two and not talking at all (I am an ECE teacher and she ASKED me my opinion!!!) but apparently associating his speech delay with autism was "very offensive". And the worst, how could I have had my son "arrested" which "scared the #$%! out of him" (my youngest sister was screaming this at me). First of all, this was six months ago, and he was never arrested, he was transported to a counseling center by officers as an ungovernable juvenile - no charges. He had attacked me and punched me in the face with his closed fist. He is 5'7" and 180 and I was home alone with the baby, what did they expect me to do? That was one of the hardest decisions of my life, I was in tears. At the time, they seemed completely supportive of me, but apparently now they have decided I am a rotten mom who just won't allow my kid to be a "normal teen".
I had no desire to fight with them, I was upset, and sick, and crying and I just wanted to go home, but at the "normal teen comment" I had had it, and yelled as well I could having almost no voice: "HE IS NOT A NORMAL TEEN, HE WAS IN FULL TIME TREATMENT AT A PSYCH HOSPITAL FOR FOUR WEEKS SO WE COULD GET HIM FUNCTIONING IN REGULAR LIFE. HE HAS SPECIAL NEEDS! HE DOESN'T DO WELL WITH 'NORMAL', HE NEEDS A DIFFERENT APPROACH!"
To which BIL said to sister, "Yep, see what you get for standing up for yourself? Its either her way or the highway." I seriously felt like I was in a fun house with the crazy mirrors.
Who ARE these people? I don't know them and they certainly don't know me. I have never considered myself to be that type of person (my way or the highway) and to my knowledge neither has anyone else. I was just floored by everything, and clearly nothing I said was going to get through the thick wall that I guess they have been building up. It was just all so surreal.
Only my aunt offered some support, she put her hand on my back and told me that she thought I was doing a good job, and at one point she told my sisters to stop (they didn't listen). She also told DS to go home with me and cause no more trouble or he'd have to answer to her because, "That is your mother, and you give her your respect." I went home, and bawled my eyes out for about 45 minutes. I made myself stop because I was making the baby cry. My boys felt so bad and kept asking what they could do. Even DS1 apologized. He said it was his fault. I said no, it wasn't his fault. Adults are responsible for their own actions, but that yeah, it probably wasn't a good idea to go to his over there when he's upset with mom. When DS3 talked to DH later, he got the child's perspective. "I was scared. K and K were yelling at mommy and she was crying." Yep, pretty much sums it up.
At this point, I have no desire whatsoever to associate with my sisters. Parenting a kid with an ASD is hard, and anything that makes that job harder isn't welcome in my life. Anyone who can kick me that hard when I am down isn't welcome in my life either. DH and I had plans to sell in five years and return to his home state of Oregon, a place I have always loved and wanted to move to, even before we met. We are moving that plan up by about 4.5 years. It is taking all my will power to not go hammer a FSBO sign into my lawn right now.
Thanks for listening.
So we went over yesterday for my other 19 yr old sister's BF's b-day and DS (who is 13) started having a tantrum about us having to eat a different cake (we are doing a voluntary GFCF trial as a family). I took him home for a few minutes to talk away from everyone else, but he was past the point of talking and starting screaming and then began threatening me. He has been violent in the past and has physically attacked me requiring law enforcement. My son is big for his age so it can get scary when he tantrums. I told him that if he became violent I would call the police, at which point he kicked something and he ran out of my house and back over to my sisters.
I went over to bring him back home, and found my sister and my other sister (the 19 yr old) talking to him. I thought maybe they were trying to calm him down, but as I listened, I felt their comments were making the situation worse, specifically giving DS a lot of attention for very negative behavior. DS spent 4 weeks in full-day treatment at a hospital in December for aggressive behavior, anxiety, and depression, and we learned how to deal with him and what enforces the behavior and what diffuses it. It was also this program that picked up on the ASD and we had him tested. So anyway, I approached my sisters said, "I need you guys to let him be and let me handle this ok?" My sisters just looked at me, then looked at each other, and at him, and then just absolutely laid into me! They told me that he was just a teenager, that they weren't going to turn their back on him and that I couldn't tell them what to do. I was shocked. I said, "I am his mother and if I need you to stop doing something with my child I expect you to respect that." My sister responded with, "You may be his mother but you are not my mother, you are in my house and I won't let you tell me how to act in my own house." It was like she was throwing a baby fit! So I said, "Ok then, we'll go." and I started gathering the kids to leave at which point both my sisters and my BIL absolutely attacked me verbally with pretty much any and every grievance they have against me, all of which I was previously totally unaware. It was AWFUL. I have been sick all week and almost didn't come, in fact my aunt commented I didn't look well, and then I was struggling with DS and my other three alone without DH who was at work, and we have been going through major stress the past few months, including court stuff (CPS found evidence of abuse by their bio dad and we had to get a protective order and supervised visits). Just Friday I was at the neuro where DS1 was dx with seizures and DS2's seizures aren't responding to meds so we need to set up in-hospital EEG's, not to mention being told in December that my son is autistic and my other children are likely as well....etc..etc..my family knows all of this, but I guess they figured this would be a great time to bring up all the things they are upset with me for.
I asked them to please talk to me another time, now was not good and nothing good would come of it, but I was told it was now or never. In the next 5 minutes as I got the baby's stuff in the bag, grabbed my GFCF cake and ice cream, gathered shoes, coats, etc, I got verbally pummeled.Here is why I apparently suck. I talk about autism or other medical issues too often. I ask them to please make specific plans with DS rather than leaving stuff up in the air so he doesn't get fixated and obsess on when they are going to call for hours which is rude because I "should not tell her how or when to call her nephews as if she's a child". I also previously encouraged my sister to have her sons speech looked at in light of his cousins dx since he is almost two and not talking at all (I am an ECE teacher and she ASKED me my opinion!!!) but apparently associating his speech delay with autism was "very offensive". And the worst, how could I have had my son "arrested" which "scared the #$%! out of him" (my youngest sister was screaming this at me). First of all, this was six months ago, and he was never arrested, he was transported to a counseling center by officers as an ungovernable juvenile - no charges. He had attacked me and punched me in the face with his closed fist. He is 5'7" and 180 and I was home alone with the baby, what did they expect me to do? That was one of the hardest decisions of my life, I was in tears. At the time, they seemed completely supportive of me, but apparently now they have decided I am a rotten mom who just won't allow my kid to be a "normal teen".
I had no desire to fight with them, I was upset, and sick, and crying and I just wanted to go home, but at the "normal teen comment" I had had it, and yelled as well I could having almost no voice: "HE IS NOT A NORMAL TEEN, HE WAS IN FULL TIME TREATMENT AT A PSYCH HOSPITAL FOR FOUR WEEKS SO WE COULD GET HIM FUNCTIONING IN REGULAR LIFE. HE HAS SPECIAL NEEDS! HE DOESN'T DO WELL WITH 'NORMAL', HE NEEDS A DIFFERENT APPROACH!"
To which BIL said to sister, "Yep, see what you get for standing up for yourself? Its either her way or the highway." I seriously felt like I was in a fun house with the crazy mirrors.
Who ARE these people? I don't know them and they certainly don't know me. I have never considered myself to be that type of person (my way or the highway) and to my knowledge neither has anyone else. I was just floored by everything, and clearly nothing I said was going to get through the thick wall that I guess they have been building up. It was just all so surreal.Only my aunt offered some support, she put her hand on my back and told me that she thought I was doing a good job, and at one point she told my sisters to stop (they didn't listen). She also told DS to go home with me and cause no more trouble or he'd have to answer to her because, "That is your mother, and you give her your respect." I went home, and bawled my eyes out for about 45 minutes. I made myself stop because I was making the baby cry. My boys felt so bad and kept asking what they could do. Even DS1 apologized. He said it was his fault. I said no, it wasn't his fault. Adults are responsible for their own actions, but that yeah, it probably wasn't a good idea to go to his over there when he's upset with mom. When DS3 talked to DH later, he got the child's perspective. "I was scared. K and K were yelling at mommy and she was crying." Yep, pretty much sums it up.
At this point, I have no desire whatsoever to associate with my sisters. Parenting a kid with an ASD is hard, and anything that makes that job harder isn't welcome in my life. Anyone who can kick me that hard when I am down isn't welcome in my life either. DH and I had plans to sell in five years and return to his home state of Oregon, a place I have always loved and wanted to move to, even before we met. We are moving that plan up by about 4.5 years. It is taking all my will power to not go hammer a FSBO sign into my lawn right now.
Thanks for listening.
I wish I could say something that might help. No, I wish I was in your neighborhood to give you a real life hug and some support.
