Single mom...help! :)

[Jasmi]

Hello, everyone! I just registered for the forums and it seems that there is a bunch of very open and supportive people here. I'm hoping that you all can offer me some assistance...it's been a little rough over here lately.

I am a single mom to an amazing boy who just turned 10. I have been raising him on my own since he was a baby. His dad was not ready to be a father, and now calls his son approximately once every 4 months, and on birthdays and Christmas. I have explained to my ex that he is welcome to call more often, but he does not. He has visited my son once in the past 8 years...they're not close. My son tells his dad that he loves him, but I think it's more out of a sense of obligation than out of actual love. It makes me very sad for my son, but I am trying to be the best parent that I can, regardless. It's hard sometimes because I don't feel that I got the best example from my own parents, and sometimes I wonder if I have the proper tools, if that makes any sense. I'm still trying to figure it out. But, lately it seems that things have gotten much more difficult.

My son is almost always grumpy....and I can't understand what's going on. He has been very negative lately, and quick to anger. My son has never had any issues with school. He was reading chapter books by age 3 and has always done well. This past year, he has started saying that he hates school, and he's actually gotten into trouble a few times for not paying attention and talking in class. I know that kids do this, but it's a prety consistent thing. Yesterday I picked him up from the after-school program at his school (he does not like going there, but I must work, and this is our only option), and the homework teacher talked to me and said that my son did not agree with her methods and was disrespectful to her...I looked at my son, and I have not seen him that upset in a long time. Later, privately, I spoke with him to get his side of the story. As part of his regular class homework, he needs to write each of his 20 spelling words 3 times...this particular teacher in the after school program erases his entire page of work if she thinks his handwriting is not good enough. I can understand why he is upset, but that is not justification for disrespect; I let him know that he will apologize to the teacher for that. I was upset about him getting in trouble at school, but then when we got home, out of nowhere he had a meltdown about his dad. He said that he felt that his dad "ditched" him, that he does not love his dad, that he hates him, that he's mad at ME because he can't believe that I didn't choose to have a baby with someone that would stick around, and that I must have driven him away...you get the picture. I have never, EVER spoke disparagingly about his dad. NEVER. It serves no purpose for me to do that. But what do I do? I left my ex because he was (and probably IS) a huge yeller...he yelled at me constantly for every little thing, and I am certain that eventually he would have hit me. I told him when my son was born that if he yelled at me in front of the baby I would leave, and he yelled at me...ONCE. I left. I didn't want my son to grow up with that constant example and think that it was okay to treat any human like that, let alone his mother. I don't regret leaving. But how do I help my son to understand that I love him unconditionally, I will ALWAYS be there for him, that his dad didn't "ditch" him, and that we will be okay? Maybe I need to believe that first. I have just been thrown for a loop here. This has not happened before, and I have to wonder if he's been feeling it for a while. He's been VERY grumpy, getting in trouble at school, and now the meltdown. What can I, or should I, do? I get to feeling so guilty at times. I'm trying to raise my son, work full time, go to grad school at night, and I wonder if I should cut back on something, but WHAT? My son comes first, but I already feel as though I'm "losing" myself, if that makes sense. There is absolutely nothing left over for me emotionally at the end of the day.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Has anyone experienced this lately that could offer some advice? I am so emotionally exhausted from stress and worry that it's just hard. Thank you all!

[cloe]

My father left my mother when I was 4. We saw him a few times when I was 15 and then resumed contact again briefly when I was 20 and now as a 35 year old we have sparodic contact. My mother also didn't want to talk badly about my father. All I can say is why the hell not!!! He left and doesn't bother to see his kid, do you want him to be a doormat? It isn't ok that his father doesn't see him or contact him. His feelings are totally reasonable. Agree that his father is a D**k, why not his behaviour is indicative of that. Make sure that the blame lays directly where it belongs and not making excuses that will weaken your son's self esteam. Don't go out of your way to bitch about him but if it comes up don't make allowences for a lousey dad. You stuck around and care about him didn't you.

A conversation like, You know what your father did was wrong by leaving you and not spending time with you. I know it must hurt but this does not reflect on you in any way. You are a wonderfull special person who had this sucky thing happen. You can make a decision not to let it eat you up and go on to prove that you a better person and worth more. Give him some examples of famous people who have gone on to be the best without a father like Barack Obama or Lance Armstrong. Most of all make him understand that you love him and would never leave him and that growing up with an absent father should in no way define who he is.

[Jasmi]

Cloe,
Thank you for your reply! I do agree with you....I don't want to lie to my son and paint a rosy picture where one does not exist. I just worry about hurting him further. I will make sure to remind him consistently that his father's actions have nothing to do with him...I did tell my son last night that the fact that his dad has not been involved is not OUR burden to bear, but his dad's. He seemed to think that made sense, but he was still upset. I suppose that I should be happy that he managed to get that all out, instead of holding it inside. Thank you again for your response.

[MsChatsAlot]

10 can be a difficult age and a lot of changes are happening, getting more mature, still being a child, etc. and with everything that has happened and is happening in his life, it's all built up and now coming out.

It really sounds like your son is dealing with a lot of the emotions that he's had now that he's old enough to have a better understanding of things and doesn't really know how to make sense of them in a way that feels better. It sounds like he feels like his life is out of his control...being told what to do by the teacher, having a dad leave, you having to work, etc., it's all a lot of things that are leaving him feeling powerless.

Are there ways you can help him feel more in control of his life and what's happening? There are things that maybe can't change, but can you help him see that he has control over how he feels and how he reacts? Is there some ways you could help him feel more empowered at home? Are there things you can think of to help boost his self esteem?

There are lots of groups for divorced kids to help them work through things. There are lots of good child psychologists too who can help a child work through things and/or give you some tools as his parent.

I do know...that your love and support will help him a tremendous amount both now and in the future.

I am wishing you both well.

[cloe]

Of course he is upset. He is told by society that mom and dad are supposed to be these loving and caring and involved people and his dad isn't. He has every right to feel angry, sad, hurt and different. All you can do is listen, understand and validate his feelings and drill into him that it isn't his fault.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Jasmi

This past year, he has started saying that he hates school, and he's actually gotten into trouble a few times for not paying attention and talking in class. I know that kids do this, but it's a prety consistent thing. Yesterday I picked him up from the after-school program at his school (he does not like going there, but I must work, and this is our only option), and the homework teacher talked to me and said that my son did not agree with her methods and was disrespectful to her...I looked at my son, and I have not seen him that upset in a long time. Later, privately, I spoke with him to get his side of the story. As part of his regular class homework, he needs to write each of his 20 spelling words 3 times...this particular teacher in the after school program erases his entire page of work if she thinks his handwriting is not good enough. I can understand why he is upset, but that is not justification for disrespect; I let him know that he will apologize to the teacher for that.

Obviously, you need to find a way for him to get along with the teacher, but erasing his entire page of work wasn't respectful, either. It has to be very frustrated to told to just swallow it and let other people treat him without respect, yk? I'm not sure how to address this, as he has to be in the program, but keep in mind that the teacher's behaviour is also an issue. Maybe you could also talk to her, and see if you can work out a solution, so your son isn't feeling so frustrated with her? (I had issues with school, and if a teacher had done that to me, I'd have just refused to do the work at all.)

But how do I help my son to understand that I love him unconditionally, I will ALWAYS be there for him, that his dad didn't "ditch" him, and that we will be okay?

How did his dad not ditch him? He calls him a few times a year, and has no relationship with his 10 year old son? That's ditching. It doesn't matter if you left or he left. He still had/has the option of pursuing a real relationship with his son. He chose/chooses not to do so. Of course your son feels that he's been ditched. He has been ditched. The trick isn't to make him feel that his dad didn't ditch him. The trick is to help him understand that the ditching is his dad's failure as a father, not his failure as a son. There's a difference between being disparaging, and being honest. His dad blew it. Period.

What can I, or should I, do?

Have you talked to the school counselor? When ds1's dad and I split up (he was older), I spoke to his teacher, and got him in to see the school counselor. The counselor thought he was a great kid, and really enjoyed working with him, although he did eventually have to discontinue their sessions, so that kids who needed him more could see him. This might be helpful to your son, as well.

[Jasmi]

Storm Bride,

Thanks for your input! I appreciate it.

I had a talk with my son about the disrespectful behavior, and I am very hopeful that it will not happen again. Today, I called the coordinator of the program, and explained that my son was not happy with the way that the homework was being approached. I asked if there was a compromise that could be reached....perhaps he could do something else instead of his spelling words (we would work on them at home) like reading. My son really loves to read. The coordinator said that it shouldn't be an issue, so long as he always has a book that will keep him occupied and that he does not talk and disrupt other kids. I asked to speak to the homework teacher, and she is supposed to call me today. I'm hoping that the conversation with her goes well. I'm going to explain that when she erases his work, it embarrasses him, and he feels picked on. I understand her desire to see neat handwriting from the kids, but it's definitely a work in progress. I'm hoping that she will be agreeable to the change in work for my son. I want my son to be happy in the program, and I want the teachers to feel comfortable as well. Obviously, my first priority is to my son.

You are right about his dad...he did ditch our son. I have been trying to sugar coat it, for years, even to myself. It just hurts so bad...I don't love my ex any longer...in fact, I don't even like him. But there is at least one person out there, my ex, with whom I share something sooo amazing, and I should be able to count on him to love my son as much as I do. I can't. And, I can't take away the hurt for my son. I need to work on showing him as much love as I can, and making sure that he knows that his dad's failures are not his fault.

I called the school counselor today; she's out for the week. I will follow up with her next week, and we will get this addressed. I want my son to be happy more than anything.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. You have helped me a great deal.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Jasmi

You are right about his dad...he did ditch our son. I have been trying to sugar coat it, for years, even to myself. It just hurts so bad...I don't love my ex any longer...in fact, I don't even like him. But there is at least one person out there, my ex, with whom I share something sooo amazing, and I should be able to count on him to love my son as much as I do. I can't. And, I can't take away the hurt for my son. I need to work on showing him as much love as I can, and making sure that he knows that his dad's failures are not his fault.

I know what you mean. DS1 saw his dad in December for the first time in three years. (Prior to that, he saw him every Christmas Eve - missed one - for about 6 years.) His dad's first words to me, on picking ds1 up, were "that's one amazingly talented kids we've got there". I just found myself thinking "we? - what "we" are you talking about?". I'm glad he thinks ds1 is so awesome - now that the work part is almost done - but he never shared in it. He wasn't a dad to him. I was/am happy for ds1, though. He was really nervous about seeing his dad...and I think his dad was the one who really should have been nervous (and probably was, actually). It sucks to have created a life with someone, and they just don't...get it.

I agree about making sure he knows it's not his fault. DS1, for whatever reason, has always been unbelievably self-confident, even cocky. It sometimes drives me crazy, but it's been his saving grace through all this stuff with his dad. He figured out intellectually that is wasn't him at an early age, and got it emotionally not much after that.

I called the school counselor today; she's out for the week. I will follow up with her next week, and we will get this addressed. I want my son to be happy more than anything.

Good luck. I hope she can help you, but if she can't, she can probably at least point you in a helpful direction. For ds1, I think just having somewhere he could talk about the divorce, without feeling that he was picking sides, or that the person he was talking to had an emotional investment in the breakup, was really beneficial. Obviously, our situation was a little different, as we broke up when he was older (7), but some aspects are the same, I think.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. You have helped me a great deal.

I hope everything goes well with the counselor. I'm sure your ds is in for a few challenging years (puberty isn't very friendly to most people, ime), but he's at least got a really loving, devoted mom. That counts for a lot.

[Jasmi]

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot

10 can be a difficult age and a lot of changes are happening, getting more mature, still being a child, etc. and with everything that has happened and is happening in his life, it's all built up and now coming out.

It really sounds like your son is dealing with a lot of the emotions that he's had now that he's old enough to have a better understanding of things and doesn't really know how to make sense of them in a way that feels better. It sounds like he feels like his life is out of his control...being told what to do by the teacher, having a dad leave, you having to work, etc., it's all a lot of things that are leaving him feeling powerless.

Are there ways you can help him feel more in control of his life and what's happening? There are things that maybe can't change, but can you help him see that he has control over how he feels and how he reacts? Is there some ways you could help him feel more empowered at home? Are there things you can think of to help boost his self esteem?

There are lots of groups for divorced kids to help them work through things. There are lots of good child psychologists too who can help a child work through things and/or give you some tools as his parent.

I do know...that your love and support will help him a tremendous amount both now and in the future.

I am wishing you both well.

MsChatsAlot,
Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate them! I do need to give my son a bit more control in his life. Since he was a baby, I knew that I would be a single mom, so I dug in my heels, and tend to "take care of everything"...totally Type A. I probably leave too little room for my son to make his own decisions, and that's my fault. My only defense is that it's a lot to shoulder by myself, and so I tend to take the burden of getting stuff done by myself. I am going to continue to try and connect with the counselor at my son's school. She knows my son, he feels comfortable with her, and I think that's a good place to start. I really feel like things will get better.

Thank you again.

[pranamama]

Can you get your son a Big Brother, or some other kind of mentor, it may be especially needed if his school is so unkind as to erase his work. My dad got my brother moved to a different teacher when the teacher was complaining about his handwriting.....

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Jasmi

I had a talk with my son about the disrespectful behavior, and I am very hopeful that it will not happen again.

this can lead to a dangerous situation mama. keep an eye out for that.

he has learnt society expects him to behave a certain way. poor thing he IS going thru a lot right now. he has to find some place to explode.

does he have a place to explode?

it really might help getting him to talk to someone - whether professionally or someone you know and trust.

my fear is he might turn his frustration inward. he had every reason to react that way. she was totally disrespecting his work. so letting him know that you may not support his behaviour but you can understand why he did it.

he is fast approaching the v. v. impressionable age. someone trustworthy might really help him out.

[Jasmi]

Thank you, meemee. I will be careful with it. To answer your question, I do believe that my son has a place to explode...he can always talk to me. Before the other night, I didn't realize to what extent this situation affected him. Now that I'm aware, I will be a bit better prepared for it. I am going to get him in to talk to someone...it would be devastating if he were to turn this inward. My heart breaks just thinking about that.

[justKate]

Jasmi, you've come to the right place. You'll find some very experienced, wise mamas here, so please stick around!

My husband's father was in prison from the time he was 5 until he was about 12, and I can tell you that he felt the absence of his father deeply at that age, even though he was/is a @$#t bag. Is your son involved in sports? I was just thinking doing something physical might be a good way to get some of the negative emotions out. Coaches can also be good mentors. Even riding a bike or going bowling with you might be "physical" enough... That was my only thought, but I couldn't read and not respond. Your son is very lucky to have such a strong mama. I hope that things get better for you both.

[Purple Cat]

I didn't read through all the posts, so sorry if this is redundant. FYI, I'm a single mother, too, with no paternal involvement.

First, I would validate his feelings about the loss of a father. It's probably safer for him just to get mad at you and blame you. (You didn't leave him, so you aren't as tenuous as his father who did). But I also have to wonder if this is erupting because, in essence, you are abandoning him by all your commitments to work and grad school, which as you say, leaves you with nothing left to give to him. I can understand wanting to work and go to grad school to provide for your family and hopefully create long-term a better situation for you. But at the same time, you cannot die in teh short-term. And I think the eruption about his father's abandonment and the anger directed at you probably has a lot to do with YOUR unintentional abandonment of him and the anger he feels at YOU about it.

Something to consider. Maybe you really need to find a way to cut back now. It sounds like he needs you. There isn't another parent to pick up slack if you aren't there.

Also, I would not make him apologize to the teacher. I think what she did is really inappropriate. Why not stand up for him instead of instantly siding with the teacher (publicly by making him apologize) when what she did was disrespectful and I believe inappropriate. I would validate his anger at her, and talk about a better way to handle it, and then go to bat for him in finding a better way to handle the homework situation in after-care. I am NOT saying have a knock down fight about it with teh teacher; I don't think it's worth it. Just go to bat and diplomatically arrange something better. I might even tell teh teacher that you talked to him about how he responded but you share his concern about erasing all his work and would like it discontinued or to agree on another way to handle it.

[Jasmi]

justKate,

I am trying to encourage my son to try more sports. He played soccer for several seasons, and participates in running club, and is currently in the ski club. He's not super interested in sports, but we do try.

Purple Cat,

I understand what you are saying, I do. I should clarify that my going to grad school, could, I suppose, make my son feel "abandoned"....but my program is all distance delivered, I do all the work online. So, my active school work happens mainly after he goes to bed, with perhaps the exception of some reading. It's often been fun for both of us to do reading "homework" together. When I talk about having nothing left, I really meant nothing for ME. I feel like I am not taking care of myself, because my energy goes first to my son, then to work and school. I hope that makes more sense. I appreciate your input!

[Purple Cat]

Jasmi,Thanks for clarifying. Online work after he goes to bed is different. When you said grad school, having been to grad school, I envisioned a full day of work followed by night classes, which would have left you away from your son for both day and most evenings.