Ideas on how to physically disengage from a child

[Catubodua]

we have neighbors who have a little girl who is probably 8 years old. we do not know them well, but see them outside a few times a month while i'm walking my dog and mom is out walking with her kids (there is also a younger brother, but he's not interested in me or the dog).

the moment we get near them, the little girl wants to hold my hands. not hand, but both hands. first, i can't have her doing this because it's a safety issue with the dog and leash. second, i don't want her to; i have no desire to hold her hands.

she runs up to me and grabs my hands, all the while my dog is going a bit bonkers b/c dog is so excited to have someone new to sniff and play with. the little girl likes my dog and also pets the dog, but it seems like she's really craving some sort of physical interaction with me.

i disengage my hands - basically shake her off - and she'll move her fingers to try to hold on until sometimes i have to firmly remove her from me and place my hand on her shoulder to keep her back a few feet.

i've told her straight out to let go, and she does, but a moment later she's trying again. i've told her that i only hold hands with my husband, and that will work for that time, but it happens again and again. her mom has consistently told her to stop pestering me, but doesn't do anything more than that in the moment. i am not sure if she also talks to her about it later or not (as in what's appropriate, etc).


this sort of came to a head the other night. we were at our clubhouse (we live in a condo association) for an after the holiday party and she did this to me again. however, this time i didn't see her coming (she came up from behind me) and she grabbed on to one of my hands and then went limp as in she wanted to swing on the end of my arm/hand.

this pulled me off balance and i almost fell over. i did lose the soda i had in my other hand, which fell on to another neighbor . thankfully, my hubby saw what was happening (before it was even registering for me) and grabbed my other arm and i did not fall.

i freely admit that i yelled at her. i told her she was NOT to grab my arm again and do NOT try to take my hands anymore. i also told her that she almost hurt me and the baby (i am 9 months pregnant). she got upset and ran away, and her mom came over to see what had happened a few moments later. i explained what happened and told mom that she had to talk to her daughter about not doing that to people. mom apologized and told her she has to be careful around pregnant ladies then led her daughter away. again have no idea if mom will actually talk to her about it or if she'll just tell her to stay away from me.


while this particular situation is extreme, i have noticed that this happens quite often where children, upon meeting you, will want to hold your hand or somehow physically touch/hug you.

what can i do to prevent this sort of thing? it may seem minor to some folks, but i'm rather particular about who is in my personal space and i don't want these types of interactions. i'm totally fine with my nieces and nephews and children of friends being more demonstrative, but the thought of strange children doing this actually makes my skin crawl.

any ideas on how to head this off at the pass if i see it coming? or, is there something i can say to discourage them from continuing to try to touch me if it's already happened?

[almama]

Have you tried to tell kids how they can touch or be near you? "Don't pull on my hand" is not always remembered, but I really like when you come up and give me a high five and then I feel comfortable talking to you (or something like that) can be a more effective route.

I would tell them too, hey, maybe I'm different, but I don't like to be touched - just something special about me and it does not mean I don't want to talk to you. Then, do you have special things I should know when talking to you?

Honestly, I think some of her weird behavior *may* have to do with the fact that you are pregnant. Some kids can act funny when around a pregnant person or even when their moms are pregnant. That doesn't mean you need to let unsafe or unwelcome behavior continue, but it may give a lead to a conversation ("are you curious about the baby?").

Good luck!

[Porcelain Interior]

At 8 that sounds really abnormal. I have an 8 year old and she doesn't touch anyone without there being some form of relationship. I've seen huggy kids that are very quick to warm up- but this seems really off.

I'd tell her mom that you're afraid that she's going to appraoch the wrong sort of person and that you're concerned. I would be very annoyed by this, I don't like being touched and am very awkward with children that don't have typical social skills and understanding about what's ok and what's not.

[Catubodua]

that's interesting that you both think this is a bit off.

it happens to me constantly and did before i was preggers too. drives me up a wall to be honest with you just how often children wish to hold my hand (s).

what usually happens is they warm up to me quickly and then try to take my hands when talking to me. i had always assumed that this was a strategy they used to keep my attention on them vs other children or other adults nearby.

[Caneel]

I really have no business chiming in as I have very little kid experience outside of DS but I would be greatly bothered by what the OP is describing. I would have a hard time not being stern and vocal about my desire to not be touched or grabbed.

[almama]

Originally Posted by Caneel

I really have no business chiming in as I have very little kid experience outside of DS but I would be greatly bothered by what the OP is describing. I would have a hard time not being stern and vocal about my desire to not be touched or grabbed.

I didn't read anyone making her feel bad about yelling or reacting strongly, not even the girl's mom. It is natural, but, as she said, she wants something that works better (and maybe doesn't lead to yelling??).

[Catubodua]

yes, i can clarify - i don't feel the least bit bad about what happened in this instance. i'm comfortable that i yelled and actually hope that the yelling has a continuing impact on our future interactions. nor do i think anyone who posted has disagreed or told me it was too much.

but, i do wish to have some strategies / ideas for future situations. while i'm ok with yelling that time, i don't want to make yelling my default response.

being stern and vocal is not a bad thing in situations where the person being touched is uncomfortable. i am a HUGE fan of the thought process that the person getting touched gets to set their comfort zone and gets to make the rules - no matter how old they are.

[mistymama]

That behavior seems odd to me, and I'm pretty familiar with the age group - ds is 7 and his two best friends are 8.

None of the children I know would do that - and would respect your wishes if you asked them to stop.

I don't have any great suggestions, and to be honest, the behavior you describe would drive me crazy. Just kinda of wondering aloud if there is something else going on with the little girl that might explain why she's doing it? Seems very odd to me.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by Catubodua

yes, i can clarify - i don't feel the least bit bad about what happened in this instance. i'm comfortable that i yelled and actually hope that the yelling has a continuing impact on our future interactions. nor do i think anyone who posted has disagreed or told me it was too much.

but, i do wish to have some strategies / ideas for future situations. while i'm ok with yelling that time, i don't want to make yelling my default response.

being stern and vocal is not a bad thing in situations where the person being touched is uncomfortable. i am a HUGE fan of the thought process that the person getting touched gets to set their comfort zone and gets to make the rules - no matter how old they are.

My wording can across wrong. I meant to say I would be greatly distrubed by the girl's actions and the lack of boundaries, not by the OP voicing her displeasure. I would have reacted similar to the OP but likely with, for good or bad, more volume and force.

I agree 100% with the 3rd paragraph.

[earthgirl]

Originally Posted by mistymama

That behavior seems odd to me, and I'm pretty familiar with the age group - ds is 7 and his two best friends are 8.

None of the children I know would do that - and would respect your wishes if you asked them to stop.

I don't have any great suggestions, and to be honest, the behavior you describe would drive me crazy. Just kinda of wondering aloud if there is something else going on with the little girl that might explain why she's doing it? Seems very odd to me.

I thought this, too. It seems like really strange behavior for an 8 year old. They are usually pretty clued in to social norms, which has me wondering if there is something else going on here.

[Jenifer76]

The only kids I know who would do that are my son and his friend -- both have autism and lack understanding of personal space. Both are 8 years old. I work hard with my son to make him understand personal space and why he can't just hang on to everyone. His radar is random too -- I never know what makes him like one person over another. I am not implying that the child in this scenario has autism - just relating my experience. Hopefully her Mom has a talk with her about it. I am a bit sensory defensive so I don't like anyone hanging on me.

[Comtessa]

I don't typically mind kids climbing all over me (and they usually do), but I've had some problems with this in the workplace. I've worked with a few highly physically demonstrative children (usually younger than the OP describes, but I've had a couple as old as 10) who bestow hugs on unsuspecting adults seemingly at random. While I'm not concerned about my personal space, I am always concerned about my role as their teacher - I really cannot ever be hugging my students, it's inappropriate. Even if they hug me first!

IME, the children who are most likely to do this are often very emotionally immature and use physical touch to communicate their needs. As a PP said, it's usually their way of saying "please pay attention to me!" These kids are often not very verbally capable, so they also use touch because they struggle to use words to ask for what they need. They might be chatterboxes, but they can't express emotions well, so they use hands and arms instead.

As a child, I was fairly demonstrative and was really hurt by people not wanting me to hug them - it always seemed like a rejection of me. (Obviously, as an adult, I understand personal-space issues a bit better now - but I still occasionally catch myself feeling hurt and rejected when other people don't want to be touched, even when I know it has nothing to do with me.) So I have struggled to find a gentle way to stop the hugging behaviors without stifling or hurting the child. I've found that giving attention immediately when they use words to ask for it helps. Getting down on their level helps a lot - they can see that you're looking them right in the eye, which means they don't have to tug at you physically to get attention. And lots and lots and lots of warm, affectionate words and gestures help a lot too.

Good luck! This is really a tough thing.

[Jenifer76]

Originally Posted by Comtessa

While I'm not concerned about my personal space, I am always concerned about my role as their teacher - I really cannot ever be hugging my students, it's inappropriate. Even if they hug me first!

Teachers can't hug? My kids have hugged their teachers with no issue - they have even initiated the hug. I never would have thought anything about it.

[One_Girl]

I don't think this is a sign of emotional immaturity. My dd loves to hug people and hold their hands as she talks to them, but she is also very aware of her emotions and the emotions of people around her and she will stop when asked to stop. She is offended when people don't want to talk to her or hold her hand, but she will stop. I think some kids, and adults also, are just more touchy feely. I don't think you should assume that the mother doesn't talk to her daughter about respecting different people or that the daughter has something seriously wrong with her. She probably talks to the child gently in public because she wants to preserve her childs self worth while also helping her to move away from the person who is uncomfortable being touched. A lot of adults are also very huggy with people they barely know, it is just one of the many ways people express themselves.

I don't know that I wouldn't yell at a child for anything short of violence and I doubt you will want someone to yell at your child ever, but I understand that you are tired of being touched and you don't like this child near you. When you are pregnant it is hard to remain calm in the face of something that has annoyed you for a long time. If you can I suggest crossing the street when you see these people coming. It may be inconvenient, but since you only see them a few times a year it isn't going to be a daily inconvenience. If crossing isn't possible then maybe you could walk into the street a bit with the dogs and not make eye contact. I doubt that the mother will want her child around you again though since you probably really hurt her child's feelings and moms tend to not be forgiving when it comes to their children, so it may be that you won't have to do anything because the mom will take care of it.

[mommariffic]

This post made me sad -- maybe because I'M pregnant?

If a little girl was being sweet and needy, I'd give her attention. Maybe she does have some immaturity issues, or maybe developmental. Either way I don't think yelling is really a nice thing to do? She isn't going up to you and slamming into your belly full force, she's looking for some TLC.

I would just walk the other way if you see them coming -- if it's not happening every single day I don't see what the big deal is. You're uncomfortable yes, but she's only 8 years old and probably doesn't REALLY understand why you're so reluctant. Talk to her mother if you need to, but I wouldn't yell at a child.

[Latte Mama]

Originally Posted by mommariffic

This post made me sad -- maybe because I'M pregnant?

If a little girl was being sweet and needy, I'd give her attention. Maybe she does have some immaturity issues, or maybe developmental. Either way I don't think yelling is really a nice thing to do? She isn't going up to you and slamming into your belly full force, she's looking for some TLC.

I would just walk the other way if you see them coming -- if it's not happening every single day I don't see what the big deal is. You're uncomfortable yes, but she's only 8 years old and probably doesn't REALLY understand why you're so reluctant. Talk to her mother if you need to, but I wouldn't yell at a child.

A fall at 9 months pregnant can be potentially serious so I can certainly understand the OP being upset. Even NOT pregnant, I wouldn't want to be pulled off balance. It sounds like the yelling was unintentional and not meant to be mean spirited. She's not yelling at the kid any other time the touching occurs.

OP, I think you are well within your rights to have your personal space respected. Soon you will have a newborn and this little girl will quickly have to learn what "hands off" means. Be firm,kind and repeat, repeat, repeat.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by mommariffic

I wouldn't yell at a child.

You hope you wouldn't. I think the OPs actions were completely understandable, considering she was startled and 9 months pregnant and nearly pulled to the ground. Think about it, the little girl nearly pulled a pregnant woman to the ground.

I'd be situationally irritated with the little girl but the responsibility ultimately lies with her mom to make sure her daughter's actions aren't bugging people.

Edited to add,

i explained what happened and told mom that she had to talk to her daughter about not doing that to people. mom apologized and told her she has to be careful around pregnant ladies then led her daughter away.

I think this was probably the best you can do. It would have been better if mom had told her daughter not to grab people's hands like that anymore, ever. Not just be careful around pregnant ladies.

[_betsy_]

I'd avoid that child like the plague.

Does you have a strong vibe about this kid's home life? It raises flags about physical or sexual abuse to me, to be honest. She's overly touchy, even when you've asked her not to be. You've explained you don't like it, yet it continues. You've asked her to stop, yet it continues.

I'd probably make sure to avoid them as much as possible, even to the extent that it might appear rude. Too bad. I can't stand people touching me, I certainly don't need some random acquaintance's kid knocking me over and dragging me around every time I run into them. I'd say something to the mother, too. Not sure what I'd say, but I'd say something!

[MJB]

I think your responses have been totally reasonable, and I think you should talk to her mom about her personal space issues. I would be mortified if either of my kids (who are 4 and 7) were not respectful of other peoples' bodies and continued unwanted behaviors after being asked to stop.
I find that you have to be blunt with some children. It might sound rude to an adult but kids aren't great with subtlety. Not that it sounds like you've been overly subtle about asking her not to hold your hands. You might have to repeat over and over again, "Do not touch me." and soon, "Don't touch the baby."

[Ravenlunatic]

Yeah, I would have to disagree with the folks that are scolding the OP for yelling. I think the yelling was fine, and will hopefully have a lasting impact. I don't think an 8 year old will be irreversably damaged by it. Do you really think it was unwarrented? Are you really THAT patient that this wouldn't trigger you. I mean picture a 9 month pregnant woman being glommed onto by an 8 year old she has repeated told not to touch her, she stumbles, looses the beverage in her other hand and is saved by her attentive husband. you wouldn't scold the child? Really?