I thought DSS was a good kid until

[FallingLeaves]

he added me as a friend on facebook. He has always seemed like a good kid and a bit on the naive side. Well I have been really disappointed with the stuff I am seeing him post. Just this weekend he posted about how he has gotten away with having 9 plus people in his house two times in a row. He had another post this weekend full of profanity. For Christmas, we and DIL's gave him money and he laid all of the money out and took pictures and posted those on facebook.

Maybe this is just typical teenage stuff, I don't know. I know his mom has been spending the weekends with her boyfriend an hour away, so he can basically do what he wants all weekend long. DH is working away right now and doesn't have access to facebook. He would never believe DSS would do anything like this.

So I feel like DSS has really been fooling us. I am seeing a more manipulative side to him. It makes me really concerned about him moving in with us after he graduates this summer (I had a earlier post about that). I have a 4 yo and a 2 yo and don't want to have to worry about what an immature 18 year old is old up to. I certainly don't want him doing sneaky things around my house when I'm not home.

So is this something I should worry about? Should I print the posts and send them to DH, he would never believe me just telling him. Am I overreacting?

[racheepoo]

He's still a good kid, but maybe he's succumbing to peer pressure and trying to fit in. Don't let this change your view of him...assign positive intent and realize that he's trying to navigate the world right now. At 18, he could be doing far, far worse things.

And yeah, I do think you're overreacting.

[2xy]

He has friends over, swears, and shows off his money? Sounds like a teenage boy. Yes, I think you're overreacting.

[hippie_at_heart]

Immature-yes. Irresponsible-yes. But Totally typical. Like racheepoo said he could be doing far worse. It is really great that he has you as his friend.

[lvngmm]

If he was doing really bad stuff, he wouldn't have become your "friend" and let you see all the things he posts. It's the funny thing about FB, everyone sees and reads the same persona, when in real life we all behave differently in front of different people. I see things that my adult friends post, while they are "friends" with their own parents and I'm sure their parents are totally shocked out as well.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by JL'smom

So is this something I should worry about? Should I print the posts and send them to DH, he would never believe me just telling him. Am I overreacting?

Yes, you are overreacting.

Originally Posted by hippie_at_heart

Immature-yes. Irresponsible-yes. But Totally typical.

Yup.That's the world dsd lives in (unfortunately). I still think of her as a good kid, though.

I always try to look at things critically: did my friends do this kind of stuff growing up? Yes, they did. Were they really bad people? Nope, they weren't. So, I try to look at it from that perspective when another eye-opening experience pops up.

[honey-lilac]

I actually have no idea why you would think that he is no longer a "good kid." Maybe your definition and mine differ. Is he stealing, cheating, getting various kids pregnant, doing drugs, etc? No? He's swearing? Showing off what he got for Christmas? Inviting friends over? Seriously? That's it? I think you're overreacting. May these be the worst of his behavior problems.

ETA: It sounds to me (reading between the lines) that you are just plain worried about having him in your home with your young kids. VALID concern about how having an 18 year old in your home will affect your children. But it looks to me like you're maybe almost looking for excuses (subconsciously or not) as to why you don't want him there. And why would your DH not believe you unless you printed the posts out? If I told my DH something I know he would believe me and not second-guess it. Is there some sort of trust issue with you and your DH? Or maybe he feels like he has to defend DSS from you or something like that? Again, it could be completely subconscious.

If the kid is 18 you don't *have* to have him living with you. Is there an alternate arrangement you can think of? While I'm all for extended family living together, 18 is technically old enough to live on your own. Perhaps you should reconsider what this whole issue is about.

In peace.

[FallingLeaves]

Thanks Ladies! It always helps to get other perspectives. When I was younger, I had to become responsible at a very young age because my mom was ill so I guess my life as a teenager wasn't typical. It looks my expectations are a little high.

[Smithie]

Totally typical, yes. You shouldn't start thinking of him as a "bad kid" by any stretch.

But yes, you might print out the post/pictures, show them to your dh, and say "I am not interested in dealing with this stuff under my roof. Our children are toddlers. You have a job that takes you away for months on end. I am not going to supervise your newly minted adult child. He is not moving in here. NO NO NO NO NO."

Or words to that effect

[2xy]

Originally Posted by Kaleanani

While I'm all for extended family living together, 18 is technically old enough to live on your own.

I don't know where YOU live, but my son will be 18 this coming Friday, and he's been looking for a job for almost a year. If he were to move out on his own, he'd be homeless.

[Smithie]

Well, the young man under discussion here would NOT be homeless, he'd just be remaining under the roof of the woman who 1) gave birth to him 2) has raised him for the past 18 years 3) does not have toddlers to chase and 4) does not travel for work for months at a time.

It sounds like she might be keen to move in with her boyfriend - but that's hardly the OP's problem.

Say it with me, OP. "No." "NO." "N-to-the-O."

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Originally Posted by 2xy

I don't know where YOU live, but my son will be 18 this coming Friday, and he's been looking for a job for almost a year. If he were to move out on his own, he'd be homeless.

Well, the following may not be really accepted in a lot of circles on MDC, but there is almost always (unless he is disqualified somehow) the military.

[Smithie]

That's where my brother is right now. My folks didn't kick him out, far from it, but he got to the point where he was READY for some externally applied structure and direction.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes

Well, the following may not be really accepted in a lot of circles on MDC, but there is almost always (unless he is disqualified somehow) the military.

The military is not exactly homeschool-friendly. Most recruiters place homeschoolers in the same category as drop-outs, unless the homeschooler has some sort of certificate/transcript from an umbrella school. And recruiters will almost always take a "real" high school diploma over a GED, so getting a GED isn't the answer anymore, either.

As a former service member, I know that my son would be a horrible fit. It's not for everyone.

And frankly, IME, people who move to the military right from their parents house are still being cared for by someone else. It's not really being "on your own" when every detail of your life is micro-managed. It's why military "Lifers" need workshops in order to effectively transition back into civilian life.

[2xy]

double post

[Marsupialmom]

Yes you are overreacting but --- he needs to learn to becareful what to post on face book.

Kids over --- should be busted.

He is going to get robbed for flaunting the cash.

Language can come back and haunt him.

He is a good kid, but you guys need to teach not to post stupid things on the internet.

I would bring it up with your husband so he can tell him he is being stupid for showing off.

[honey-lilac]

Originally Posted by 2xy

I don't know where YOU live, but my son will be 18 this coming Friday, and he's been looking for a job for almost a year. If he were to move out on his own, he'd be homeless.

You're preaching to the choir. DH has been out of work since 2005; without the support of our families we would be pretty hard stuck living as well.

Just saying.

[honey-lilac]

Originally Posted by 2xy

The military is not exactly homeschool-friendly. Most recruiters place homeschoolers in the same category as drop-outs, unless the homeschooler has some sort of certificate/transcript from an umbrella school. And recruiters will almost always take a "real" high school diploma over a GED, so getting a GED isn't the answer anymore, either.

As a former service member, I know that my son would be a horrible fit. It's not for everyone.

And frankly, IME, people who move to the military right from their parents house are still being cared for by someone else. It's not really being "on your own" when every detail of your life is micro-managed. It's why military "Lifers" need workshops in order to effectively transition back into civilian life.

I second that too. DH got out of the military in 2005. If you notice my above post - that's the last time he had a job. He took the workshops but so far has been unable to transition back to the civilian life. Despite the workshops. I take care of every detail of our life together because he's not really able to. It's very odd - but yeah, he's not a unique case. A lot of his friends that got out are in the same boat. Most have re-enlisted when they could not handle civilian life. DH would have but he had medical issues and didn't want to leave his family behind.

[choli]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

Yes you are overreacting but --- he needs to learn to becareful what to post on face book.

Kids over --- should be busted.

Busted for what? Having friends over? Unless his mother has some problem with him having friends over, I see nothing wrong with it.

Frankly, if I was 18 and my mother had a problem with my having friends over while she was away, I'd move out pronto.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by Kaleanani

I actually have no idea why you would think that he is no longer a "good kid." Maybe your definition and mine differ. Is he stealing, cheating, getting various kids pregnant, doing drugs, etc? No? He's swearing? Showing off what he got for Christmas? Inviting friends over? Seriously? That's it? I think you're overreacting. May these be the worst of his behavior problems.

What she said.

What he is doing is absolutely normal for an 18 year old, and it doesn't make him a "bad kid" by any stretch. Based on what is in this thread, I wouldn't have any issue having him around my 4 and 2 year olds - but I don't believe in adult children living at home so I'd veto on that basis alone.