I thought DSS was a good kid until - Page 2

[mtiger]

Realistically speaking, what I see is that you've been looking for a reason not to have this young man move into your home. Instead of manufacturing reasons, talk to your husband - his father - about your concerns. You should have already done this. But don't manufacture reasons like he's a terrible, no good, bad kid 'cause he showed a spot of poor judgment.

However, don't be surprised if his father - your husband - isn't thrilled with your downing his other kid. Because that is what you're doing. Be careful what you wish for.

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by choli

Busted for what? Having friends over? Unless his mother has some problem with him having friends over, I see nothing wrong with it.

Frankly, if I was 18 and my mother had a problem with my having friends over while she was away, I'd move out pronto.

Yes, but if he tells of those situations he might not have the filter not to tell of others.

[FallingLeaves]

I'm not looking for reasons for DSS not to move in. I've already talked about that in another thread and don't want to repeat what I've already said. I don't like sneaky behavior - period. I don't have experience with teenagers, maybe it's normal for teenagers to be sneaky.

DSS's mom talked him into going into the Navy so he could get his education paid for. DH talked him out of it.

DSS's post was that he got away with having 9 plus people over his house for the second time in a row. To me that sounds like he got away with having a party. Although I don't really care for DSS's mom, I don't think she would appreciate DSS having a party without permission. I know I wouldn't appreciate it. I don't know anything about teenagers having parties, when I was a teenager, I was taking care of my sick mom - making sure she got to her doctors appointment and making sure she was taking her medication. Maybe that wasn't a party but that's the impression I got.

DSS gives the impression that he is this sweet, innocent, naive kid and DH is falling for it hook, line, and sinker and always has. In DH's eyes, DSS can do no wrong. DSS never threw fits like our DD's do, DSS was so obediant, he wouldn't even eat a piece of food that had fallen on the table without asking DH if it was alright to eat it (not that I think that's a good thing - just want to give some background). If I told DH about the posts, he would say I must have misread it because DSS would never do that. That's why I mentioned printing them. DSS had DH, his mom, and his moms daughter believing that he still believed in Santa at the age of 13. DH insisted that DSS honestly believed Santa was leaving the presents at that age. When I talked to DSS's sister about it, she said she and her mom tried to explain "Santa" to him, he began to cry, got very upset and refused to believe what they were telling him. I don't know of one 13 year old that honestly believes Santa is leaving presents under the tree. Another incident that happened a few months ago was DSS had to be taken home early to go to work. DH had planned a fishing trip and asked DSS if he could take off work. DSS said he asked, but no one would switch with him so he was not able to take off work. So DH takes him back early and DSS doesn't go to work, he spends the day with his girlfriend and tells DH - "Oh guess what, when I went to work, they told me someone (he doesn't know who) had called them and said I wasn't coming in so I didn't have to work". DH honeslty believed that and didn't question DSS. I didn't believe it for a minute so I questioned him....Why would a mystery person call in and say you aren't coming to work? DSS replies "well it must have been the assistant manager, he knew I wanted the day off". My reply "why would the assistant manger call in and say you aren't coming in instead of calling you and saying you don't have to come in?" DSS had no answer then starts crying because I don't believe his story. Maybe I was too hard on him, but I wanted him to know that I wasn't falling for that kind of BS.

Like I said, I don't have any experience with teenagers, but I don't like the sneakiness and lying. Maybe that's normal for teenagers but I still don't like it. Maybe it was just irritating to see DSS, who pretends to be so innocent and naive, bragging how he got away with something.

I didn't mean to make it sound like I think he is a bad kid, I was just surprised to see that side of him when I logged onto facebook. To me, bragging about how you got away with something isn't cool, infact it's disrespectful. If he would be that disrespectful to his mom (meaning having a party when she wasn't home then bragging about it on facebook), what kinds of disrespectful things would he do in my house when I'm not home?

[FallingLeaves]

I haven't figured out how to quote text in my posts, but wanted to say Thank You to Smithie - you always know how to say exactly what I am thinking/feeling. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!

I also forgot to say that I am not concerned with him being a bad influence around my 2 and 4 yo's, my concern is that I have my hands full with caring for my 2 and 4 yo's while DH works away several months of the year and I don't have anything left to deal with an adult child who still needs parenting.

[carmel23]

Originally Posted by JL'smom

I don't have anything left to deal with an adult child who still needs parenting.

I know that you posted in a previous post that you didn't want to rehash the post about whether your step-son should move in or not, but this makes me think that maybe you aren't totally comfortable with him moving in, and yes, maybe you are looking for reasons to not have him there.

Your examples of why he is sneaky don't really seem that bad. Maybe he posted that he had that many people over, not because his mom would care or not, but because it was a social achievement for him (which a lot of socializing is for kids) to have that many friends in one place and at his house, so he was proud and had 'pulled it off.'

The work example could be simply that he had called a lot of co-workers to see if someone could cover his shift, but no one confirmed to him that they could, so he goes in, and the assistant manager had called in/shown up with someone to cover his shift, or had called in to let the others know that he wouldn't be in (maybe they realized they didn't need so many people for the shift, etc)... that happened to me a lot when I worked a shift job...

I don't really see this as 'sneaky' behavior. He is 18 and yes, in sense his identity is still forming. But that doesn't mean he is intentionally being deceptive. Why is it sneaky for a son to want to live in his parent's house?

[flapjack]

FWIW, my first thoughts when I saw what you'd written about the money was "awww, bless." That's not a sophisticated young man's FB page, that's someone who is trying to look cool and erm, maybe not quite pulling it off? The same with the party- 9 people isn't something I'd immediately think to brag about, and I don't know that I'd even be considering it a party. Really. I think he's play-acting at being Mr Super-cool, super-popular, super-rich in the same way that he was play-acting believing in Santa at 13.

[TinkerBelle]

He is 18. An adult. I don't see what can be done about it.

This is something you and DH need to hash out. He should not just let the young man move right in without your feelings being considered, especially if he is gone a lot.

My question is, why wouldn't your husband believe you? Does he often think that you are lying about things? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but it would totally piss me off if my husband accused me of lying.

[bronxmom]

Originally Posted by flapjack

FWIW, my first thoughts when I saw what you'd written about the money was "awww, bless." That's not a sophisticated young man's FB page, that's someone who is trying to look cool and erm, maybe not quite pulling it off? The same with the party- 9 people isn't something I'd immediately think to brag about, and I don't know that I'd even be considering it a party. Really. I think he's play-acting at being Mr Super-cool, super-popular, super-rich in the same way that he was play-acting believing in Santa at 13.

Yeah that. He sounds like he's trying to front on facebook and perhaps has a lot of insecurity. A kid who friends his stepmom on facebook isn't being sneaky or lying. More likely he's bragging to his friends. If his mom is away a lot these days and he's faced with growing up and out and not quite ready and wants to live with his dad, seems like there's some real need going on there. I'm not saying that's your responsibility to deal with but maybe his dad can play more that role. I didn't read the other thread about him moving in, but I'm thinking you should let him with some firmly established ground rules. For ex., he can actually be a help as part of paying his way; sitting for the kids, helping out around the house, doing some of the meal planning/grocery shopping, etc. Why not try it and see how it goes rather than anticipating problems from the jump? He seems like he is a good kid, a little insecure and a little needy. Maybe he just needs a little more time.

[FallingLeaves]

I might not be comfortable with DSS moving in because 1) no one discussed it with me, 2) his mom doesn't want him around anymore because the child support will stop and I've already spent 3 1/2 years taking care of her adult daughter (not DH's) and I think it's her turn, 3) My DH is gone for months at a time and I don't have the physical or mental energy to deal with an immature 18 yo because I am raising a 2 yo and 4 yo but I don't think I am not looking for excuses. I have legitimate concerns about his behavior. Maybe my expectations are way too high. Like I said before, I had to be responsible at a very young age and being a silly, immature teenager wasn't part of my reality. His mom has enabled him to be the 18 year old he has become and she needs to be the one dealing with it, not me.

The work story was that a mysterious person called into DSS's work to say DSS would not be coming into work that day. DSS said the place of employment thought it was DSS calling in for himself. DSS came up with "well maybe it was the assistant manager" when I asked why would someone call into your work pretending to be you. Sorry I don't buy that. If the assistant manager was calling in to the place of employment, I think he would say "Hi This is the assistant manager, DSS won't be coming in today because Jane is covering his shift". DSS doesn't know who called in just some mysterious person, pretending to be him. I just don't think the assistant manager would call in pretending to be DSS to say he wouldn't be at work. I think he made up the story about having to go home early for work because he wanted to spend the day with his girlfriend, not go on a fishing trip with his dad. DH honestly believed some mystery person called in pretending to be DSS. I think DH is in denial - DSS is perfect, DSS doesn't lie, DSS can do no wrong.....don't we all know parents like that?

No, DH doesn't have trust issues with me, I didn't mean to imply that he would think I was lying, he just doesn't think his son can do ANYTHING wrong. DH wouldn't be able to fathem the thought of DSS having a party/friends over without permission while his mom wasn't home. I can just imagine DH would insist that I must have misunderstood the post.

[choli]

Do you actually KNOW that he did not have permission to have friends over, or are you making the assumption that because you wouldn't let him have friends over his mother wouldn't allow it either?

Cos I kind of doubt he would post about it on Facebook knowing you could see it if his mother had a problem with it.

[honey-lilac]

You mentioned having to parent him if he moves in. IMO I don't think that's your job. He's 18 and you're his stepmother with two kids of your own who need you. Your role (if you allow him to live in your house, that's between you and your DH) is to set (reasonable) ground rules and let him be. If he breaks the rules, he's out. If he keeps them, he can live there without you interfering overly in his life.

Just my opinion.

ETA: It's hardly any of your business if he swears. It IS your business if he swears in front of your kids. It's not your business if he has friends over. It IS your business if they are being loud when your kids (or you) need rest. It's really not your business if he skips work to spend the day with his girlfriend. It IS your business if he loses his job and has no income to help with your expenses that you agreed on him paying, or if he asks you to cover for him. You see what I'm saying, right?

[FallingLeaves]

I am making the assumption that he wasn't allowed to have friends over because I know that his mom doesn't like friends in the house when she is gone and because his post stated that he got away with having a large number of friends over. I guess she could have changed her rules but I doubt it.

[bronxmom]

Okay, I just went and read the other thread and wow. I understand a little better your concerns, but I would say please, please don't make this about your stepson. It sounds like he's a basically decent kid who has not been taught some important life skills and whose mom doesn't have much interest in him and whose dad hasn't been able to develop a full relationship with him. It sounds like he could thrive on some unconditional love.
ti
It sounds like the big issue here is the total lack of partnership and communication between you and your husband and your feeling of disempowerment in your own home. It sounds like your family is broken into you and your daughters on the one side and your husband and stepson on the other; that is not healthy for anyone. You're both making big priority decisions on your own and expecting the other to deal. You deciding on Montessori for your daughters (I assume that's a big expense; it is here); him buying a car for his son when there was no money in the budgetlp. It seems like you need to say to your husband that you need to come together as a family and make collective decisions that best meet the needs of all of the children (including daughters and stepson) and that counseling might help you do that.

I would let him move in but with guidelines. Sounds like he has a job; I'd ask him to contribute to the family budget. I'd also ask him to do work around the house and perhaps babysit the girls as "rent". I'd also ask him to set goals (like college application) and work toward that. I'd be willing to spend some of the former cs money on college funding but not on gas, social needs, etc. Other former cs money should go to other family needs - like the girls.

Other moves I'd make. I'd ask the parents to chip in and help. Not sure why they live there but if you are paying the rent/mortgage then they can help with the kids or dss. Perhaps if there is "parenting" of dss that needs to be done then that should be grandparents job in dh's absence. Finally, I'd look into at least a part-time job for yourself - both to add to the family income and to give you some financial independence and leverage in the household. Having so many family members under one roof can be a major drag, but it is also more hands to help and potentially more resources to pool. But for you guys it sounds like you just taking on responsibility for everyone - hence why your hands are so full and you are rightfully resentful (or at least I would be). You need to demand a real partnership and outline steps that could make this work. You sound seriously oppressed to me. I think in response you are retreating to just worrying about you and your daughters, but that then in turn furthers the lack of partnership and alienation. You need to find a way to stop the cycle and find a new path. Counseling sounds like a really, really good idea.

[FallingLeaves]

kaleanani - I see what you are saying. Swearing outside of my home is none of my business. Neither is breaking his moms house rules, although it does concern me how respectful he would be of my rules. I wouldn't feel him skipping work to spend the day with his girlfriend is my business, but making up a story to go home early during our visitation time seems like my business. I don't think he had to work at all, I think he lied to DH so DH would take him home early. I have no idea why he told us that crazy story. We live an hour away and would have never known he didn't actually go to work.

bronxmom - you made a lot of good points. Our situation is really complex. I've asked DH to go to counseling. He thinks it's all me and when I go and get myself straightened out, he will go if I still think we need to go . I'm am currently trying to find a counselor for my own sanity. DH really has issues about DSS being treated the same. I'm not saying he should be treated differently, but my life can't revolve around DSS's time at our house. For example DH gets upset if I have pictures of the girls taken without DSS. DSS isn't alway here and what's wrong with having a picture of the girls by themselves once in a while. When our patio was poured, I wanted to put the girls handprints in the concrete but DSS wasn't here, so DH didn't want to. I insisted on doing the girls handprints so DH places his own hand in the concrete and writes DSS's name by the handprint. I don't know where this comes from - I have always made his son and stepdaughter feel like part of the family, and I think the time his stepdaughter lived with us is fueling my anxiety.

[Phoenix~Mama]

JL'sMom... oh the picture and handprint thing... my DH totally would have had the same issue with that (and has with pics) nine months ago...

Counseling has brought so much to light and has really helped.

DH was dealing with a lot of guilt of not being a part of his DD's life everyday and wasn't accepting the whole aspect of blended, and the whole idea of fair doesn't always mean equal.

I was able to point out that DSD's Mom does a lot of fun things with DSD and takes DSD to get pics done every year as well, etc... that DSD isn't really missing out on things if she misses doing them with us... but if we plain don't do something because we didn't have DSD during that time, then our DD together would totally miss out on the experience as she only has us/our home... not two homes doing things for/with her.

DH did not see that at first, but after counseling has come around on a lot of things, this being one of them, thank goodness, as it has lifted some resentment/strain for me as I felt I wasn't able to have a full Mom life with my DD always trying to plan our whole worlds around EOW and it was driving me insane.

I am sorry that your DH feels that counseling should fall just to your shoulders. But I do say you should still go on your own... it does help. I went on my own for awhile before DH came around to it and I think it did help strengthen my own communication skills to better tell DH what I was feeling and going through in a less accusatory way, which helped him not be defensive and actually listen to me...


As for your DSS... he does sound a little immature to me... but not bad in anyway. As for the party/having people over thing... I would say that is pretty normal, especially at his age. At 18 I know I certainly fought against any rules my parents had for me as I felt I was an adult and knew it all. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, but just to live my own life. I did end up moving out when I was 18 due to this.

As for the lying about work thing... he may have done it to spare your feelings. You are right you wouldn't have known for sure if he had work or not... but he may not have thought that far. He may have just thought, "hey I'd rather spend time with my GF this weekend than my Dad... but how do I tell Dad that?"

Especially if "visitation" is still being forced to strictly... I think I would have balked big time at 18 if my Dad was telling me I absolutely had to spend full weekends with him. I was barely home when I was 18 between work, activities, friends and BF.

I guess I'm trying to say... he is 18... you do have to understand he is technically an adult and fully allowed to have his own life. Pick your battles and rules that are age appropriate... such as no swearing in front of kids, if you are going to have friends over be respectful to the home and clean up after yourselves.

Good Luck with everything!