Dinnertime Meltdowns, Please Help

[diamond lil]

We are having a hard time with our 16 month old DD at dinner time. This is our routine: DH picks DD up from daycare and they come home. I am usually home from work by then preparing a meal. I play with and cuddle DD as much as possible while I am preparing dinner.

When it comes to sitting down at the table to eat, she falls apart. She refuses to sit in her booster chair to eat. She will sit on my lap to eat, but only for few minutes/bites. She wants to run around, try to engage us in play, or nurse.

I don't know what to do any more. I dread dinnertime because she will not sit in her chair and eat, or will demand to nurse. Most times I give in and simply nurse her while I eat dinner, but she is supposed to be eating dinner and saving nursies for bedtime. We are trying to wean.

I don't want to raise a wild child who will not sit at the dinner table. I'm trying to instill good habits. One of those is that we sit at the table and eat our meals. She does not have this problem in restaurants, thank goodness.

What am I doing wrong?????

[elisheva]

Could you sit down to nurse her as soon as she comes home? It sounds like her needs for contact with you need to be met first. Dinner may be later but perhaps more peaceful?

[LadyCatherine185]

My 17 month old will not sit still period for longer than 5-10 minutes, tops. It is developmentally normal at this age. I don't expect him to sit at this age either.

That said, there are probably a few other things going on in your case as well. She is probably tired, and she misses her Mommy and Daddy during the day.

Could you spend some quality time with your daughter and then eat dinner with your husband after she has gone to bed?

[nelson]

DS, 20 months, has this same issue. I encourage him to sit down, but if he refuses, fine. I think that seeing you and your DH sitting down to eat will eventually lead her back to the table. Forcing them to sit will absolutely turn them in the opposite direction. They learn by example. If DS needs to sit in my lap during dinner or run around the table, I just try to roll with it, they won't do it forever.

[Plaid Leopard]

I would definitely set aside time to nurse and/or play exclusivley with dd when she gets home, instead of trying to juggle meal prep and a tired/hungry toddler who is excited to be home and to see her parents.

Does she get a snack on the way home? I would offer a banana, peanut butter sandwich or a healthy filling snack in the car so that dinner can be postponed for 1/2 an hour or so.

I certainly agree with the others that at this age, most toddlers will not stay seated for very long at the table.

[Pepper44]

I would just let it go and not make a big deal of it. If you always sit down and eat as a family I'm certain she will want to join you once she gets a bit older. Your fear of having a wild child at meal times is just a fear in your mind, I doubt it will really come true! Your DD is excited to be home with you and she's too little to grasp sitting down at the table and carrying on conversation. She would rather snuggle and play after not being home day!

I also think it's a good idea to give her a healthy snack in the car, even if it replaces supper for her. At 16 months old my DD didn't really eat meals...she played in her food, ate a little, and then she was off playing.

[marispel]

Could she be over-hungry? What time was her last snack? What time is dinner?

I know when our DS gets home from daycare he needs a snack right away. It's a huge timing issue for us. DS usually gets home at 5:00 and we try to eat at 6:00. So, if all goes well he gets a snack when he walks in the door and is good to go for another 45 minutes. If he gets home late, I try to withhold the snack so that he'll eat dinner, but we usually have a meltdown which results in him not eating that much.

[blizzard_babe]

Originally Posted by marispel

Could she be over-hungry? What time was her last snack? What time is dinner?

This is what I was wondering. DS (20.5mos) eats most of his dinner WHILE I'm cooking it. He gets all the raw veggie ingredients here, a pile of noodles there, etc. He then sits with us for like the first five minutes of dinner, then either sits on my lap (which doesn't last long because I'm trying to eat and all the motion annoys him ), and finally wanders off to play.

I insist that he at least sit down with us, because I like the ritual of it, but I don't insist that he stay.

[prancie]

You are expecting way too much of a 16 month old!!!

[Llyra]

Poor thing, it sounds like she's tired after a long day. She's been away from you all day and really wants to play or cuddle and nurse. That's okay! Family dinners are wonderful, but 16 months is still very very young. They're still babies at that age. I really like the idea of a healthy snack in the car, or as soon as she arrives home, even if she doesn't eat much dinner. She's not eating much dinner anyway, ya know?

Does she come to the table and eat on the weekends, or on other days when she's home all day? Those would be good times to start very gently teaching her appropriate behavior at the table-- very gently, in an age-appropriate way. Five to ten minutes, or maybe 15 to 20 for a very calm child or one who's just had a nap, at the table is about right, for that age, I think. After a long day, she is probably too tired to stay so focused.

[_betsy_]

Totally normal, even if she were home with you all day.

You are NOT going to have a future brat if she can't sit at the dinner table for more than 10 minutes at 16 months old. ANd you ARE instilling the idea that the family sits at the table together for dinner - because *you're* doing it everyday. Toddlers have very short attention spans, particularly when tired and even moreso when tired, hungry and just reuniting with her parents.

Will she graze? Eat a little, then go play, and come back to eat a little?

And, gently, she doesn't seem ready to wean, if she's demanding to nurse instead of dinner foods. Maybe hold off on the weaning for a few months, if you're able? Revisit the idea when she's a bit older?

[MamaPhD]

My 14 mo DD just started to walk by herself and she is so super proud she cannot sit in the high chair sometimes. Past week or so, especially dinner time, she wants to walk. I think probably because during the day, we are out and about and she doesn't get to walk as much as she wants.

Like tonight, she absolutely refused to sit in the high chair and cried when we even got close to the kitchen. After 20-30 minutes of hugs/playing/music, she calmed down and I realized it's the high chair she objects. No prob. I just brought dinner into den and fed her piece by piece (chicken, peas, sweet potato, pear). She would walk across the den and back after each bite with huge smile on her face and ate quite well.

At this age, I think it's more important for my DD to eat than sit at the dinner table. Also if not walking/activity issue, baby can be teething, which can explain the nursing demands. Has it been recent? Obviously it can be attachment issue, too, to bond with you. Maybe you can wear your baby during dinner prep? But then again, I'm SAHM and we are having similar issues here and DD sees me all day!

I would say keep trying different things but focus on getting your baby fed and don't worry about bad table manner. If you force baby to sit/eat against will, you might end up create negative relationship between your baby and dinner table!

[sparklett]

Sorry, there's no way I would expect a 16 month old to sit through dinner.

Sounds like she is craving some time with you. How about a snack on the way home, playtime with you, then dinner? Even still, count yourself lucky if you get five minutes of quiet dinner time. That's just how they are!

[Marnica]

my alomst 21 month old sounds just like this!....sometimes I run around after him with the food (he needs to eat..is very small!) and he thinks it's hilarious!
I agree with PP....totally normal behavior.

[lnitti]

I did not read all the previous replies...

16 months is still pretty young. Are you sure you want to wean so soon? If she is begging to nurse like that, she is probably not ready to wean.

My first suggestion was going to be nurse as soon as she gets home. She will get time to connect with mommy, and good nutritious calories at the same time. Then eat dinner. Even if she is not that hungry, that is ok because the breast milk is good for her too.

When my kids were in a daycare center, their last snack was after nap time, so it was on the early side - I think maybe around 2:30-3:00 give or take - I don't remember. It is a long time to go from then until 5:30-6:30 (or whatever time you eat dinner). She is probably very hungry and wants food fast (nursing fits this bill - fills up tummy and is probably heavenly for her) and probably even has a low blood sugar by dinner time.

If you don't want to do that. Here are a couple more ideas:
1. See if the daycare center can offer her a small snack before your DH picks her up. Then when she gets home, you can spend a little time with her before dinner. You know she won't be starving if she had that snack, so dinner could be a half hour later (or whatever time works). Even if it is just a few crackers or pretzels or a banana or something. My children (1 and 5 years old at the time) were starving by time I picked them up. This late snack was just what they needed. Additionally since it is done at daycare during their daycare time, it doesn't take up more time at your house.

2. if the daycare center won't give a late snack. Can you have a small snack when she gets home (in place of the nursing if you really want to wean)? or maybe in the car if you allow eating in the car (I personally prefer not to in the car, but sometimes we do)?

Then she can spend time with you before you serve dinner. If you are not done preparing dinner when she gets home, can you trade with your husband and let him finish preparing dinner so she gets your undivided attention?

Even with all this, I wouldn't expect her to sit for very long for dinner - just long enough to eat what she wants - could be 5 minutes, could be more, could be less. I wouldn't worry about how long she sits, the goal really is a more calm, relaxed atmosphere. Actually having her be willing to sit and eat, not the duration of the time she sits.