I am flabbergasted

[Ravenlunatic]

So how do you deal with this?

I have a 5.5 year old dd who is driving me bonkers. I of coarse have been at this cross roads before, not knowing what to do, being ashamed of how I have responded to her in the last 24 hours, having no one to discuss all this with, and feeling like I absolutely hate parenting. It is just so hard.

So my dd won't agree to anything and is in general being defiant. She will not eat, she will not get dressed, she does not want to leave the house and the new quote of the week is "you don't get to choose mommy".

Hmmm, I can be very creative in my parenting. I can play, barter, cajole, compromise, negotiate, give in, and all of that. I can usually muster through and get things done but ya know what I am so done with this.

Do you ever just say, ya know what, I am the mommy and I do get choose, and we will do it my way and then just follow through even though at that point the poor little 5 year old is crying?

Arrgh!

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by Ravenlunatic

Do you ever just say, ya know what, I am the mommy and I do get choose, and we will do it my way and then just follow through even though at that point the poor little 5 year old is crying?

In a word, yes.

Mine is five and I am going through the same thing with her. I calmly explain that I am making the decisions because she is either disrupting our entire day by waffling/refusing to make a choice or refusing to cooperate with what I need to get done, or because her decisions are not conducive to her health or safety, and that we are going to do it Mama's way even if that means some crying, attempted guilt tripping, etc on her part. She gets her chance to make her choices (Cereal or eggs, green shirt or blue shirt) and if she doesn't make them I get to make them for her. She gets her chance to say what she wants to do today, and I then get to decide which of those activties will happen based on appropriateness, scheduling, etc.

[bcblondie]

Yup! I think there comes a time where a parent has to be a parent. Put your foot down. You can be gentle about it, depending how you discipline, but you can't let her be the boss. KWIM?

ETA. I was going to say teh same thing about choices. It makes her feel like she still gets a say, she's still important, but you win either way, no matter what she chooses. lol.

[laohaire]

Absolutely. You are the mommy and you get to choose. Being an authority doesn't mean being an abusive dictator, it means being a parent.

Disclaimer: I'm the mother of a 4.5 year old who thinks she's the boss. But DH and I have stopped being so laid back and drawing the line. It doesn't mean spanking or even yelling, just firmness. If we tell her we have to go and she doesn't go, I will pick her up and take her. If we tell her to pick something up she threw and she doesn't, I will steer her right over to it, and even put it in her hand if I have to.

I see a lot of parents in our generation being really lax, DH and I included, and the parents in our neighborhood and so on. I was actually raised by an anti-authoritarian mother, so I wasn't rebelling against my upbringing. But I'm still raising my kid differently than my mom raised me; I always knew my mom was the boss even if she never spanked me or even said "because I said so." Honestly I don't know what I did differently but I'm trying to learn and improve. It's right for the parent to be the authority, kids are not equipped to raise themselves. Authorities can and should be just, kind and fair. They get a bad rap because power can be abused, but that power is not in and of itself abuse.

[cloe]

I do sometimes say yes I am the mommy and I do get to choose. "That's my job and when you have kids it will be your job too". I often give options like do you want to read or do you want to draw. Do you want rice or do you want pasta. I let my kids choose some things so they don't think everything is predetermined in their life. In regards to food unless something heathy is eaten there is no junk, kids will eat when they get hungry, there are not many starving 5 year olds. Some things I do without my son (5) because he won't enjoy it and that makes it unpleasant. And somethings I avoid doing with him because it will trigger things I don't like. eg shopping will inevitably have him asking for toys and I don't want to deal with that so I go when he is at school. Also possible it to group things like we have to go to the doc but we will stop and play at the park after, so give them something to look forward to after the boring/unpleasant thing.

Further some things on tv I don't let him watch because they make him behave badly. He can watch all the dinasour movies/documentaries he wants but he can't watch ben ten, bakugan, pokemon. If something affects his behaviour negativly then I take it away and let him know exactly why. eg. we don't let you watch x because it makes you angry and we don't let you watch y because it makes you rude, however you are more than welcome to watch a, b or c.

[swisscanmom]

Yes!
Of course I try to avoid confrontation if possible, but when it comes to things that we have to do I do not give a choice, we are doing it because mommy said so, and when you grow up and earn your own money and pay for your own house and food, then you get to decide...
Now, I may say something like, we are going to soandso place, which jacket would you like to wear the green or red one? So she still has a choice about something.
I have a daycare child that is used to calling the shots at home, and I often have to tell her that I am sorry but this is not a choice she can make, as it would not be fair to the other children. I think, that if you give a child their way constantly it sets them up to be very self centred.