How do I NOT take this personal?

[*LoveBugMama*]

Ok, i KNOW I shouldn`t take this personal, I am just having a hard time remembering it in "the heat of the moment". This is the case:

My son, soon to be 9 years old, with no diagnose (yet?) shares A LOT of the traits from both Aspergers and ADHD. This according to me, his father, my mom who works with autisme and aspergers and several others. (We have tried having him evaluated, but got treated so horrible that we stopped. Looong and sad story.)

So, one thing my son does is this:


He can`t live in the moment. He just can`t. Never. He always, always has to either talk about the past, or plan the future. This means that he is never satisfied. Ever. So we can be at the cinema, sitting and watching a movie, and he will interupt me atleast every 5 minutes asking when the movie is done. And what are we doing next? " I don`t have to go to bed when we get home, right??" (He HATES sleeping with a passion I have never seen before. Just because he needs. to. go. go. go all the time.)
This happens every day, all day. No matter what we do, no matter what fun thing I plan, he will spend a lot of the time either complaining because we are not doing anything fun AFTER this, or asking about WHAT we will do next.
Same if he gets something. Even if it is something he has really wanted. Once he gets it, he will start talking about "I like this, but X is way cooler. I soo want to have X.)

All this makes me sad. It makes me feel like he is ungrateful. I know that he truly can`t help it, so I know he isn`t ungrateful. He is just being himself. (And I KNOW this. He is extemely sweet and kind, and just wouldn`t do this "on purpose".)

Anyone else who can relate? My mom, who is working with a teen with Asperger, says that "her" teen is just like this. He can`t be NOW, he needs to plan the future, know exacty what is going on or he needs to be in the past.

And how do I stop taking this personally? I don`t want my son to go around feeling like him being the best he can be is making me sad, or that he is wrong for being who he is.

[kme]

Hmmm..I have no solutions or help to offer but my 11 year old with ADHD is like this to a certain extent too. With him , it's more, "well this is nice, but I want that too". Like whatever he has or whatever he is doing is never enough. Sometimes I feel like he would be happier if he just didn't get anything special, because it seems he is never satisfied. He has gotten a little better with this, but he is definitely a thrill seeker, fun seeker, life of the party, never enough type kid. I don't know if this is an ADHD thing (he definitely doesn't have Asperger's or any ASD) but I suspect it is.

Frankly what worries me the most about it is his teenage years with driving, substance use, thrill seeking, etc. He seems to be a bit of an adrenaline junkie already and has a hard time doing anything that is not "fun". And it's always more, more, more, what's next, next next??!!

I feel your frustration! It is maddening to do something special for your child and have it not be enough, EVER!!

[sbgrace]

My spectrum son is completely in the moment. His twin (no special needs of that nature) is the one who tends to not be satisifed with the present. My mom is the same way. I'm wondering if this is part personality and just more severe when you add in spectrumy stuff. Either way I get the frustration.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Oh my gosh! The "what next?" used to drive me bananas too! It seemed as though he was kind of lost physically and mentally in space sometimes and he needed to know these things in order to anchor himself. The more stressfut the situation, the more structure he needed.

One of the things that we had to do was have very firm plans in placeand let him know about them. For example, before we'd do anything for the day we would go over and write down for him what we were doing. If he asked "What next?" I'd calmly tell him to check his schedule. It was soooo hard, because I tend to be more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal, so this scheduling chaffed a bit in the begining. But, it did help.

Now he's almost 11 and seems to have grown out of this stage for the most part. And he has learned in school different ways to ask the same question, which strangely enough helps my patience when he gets into those obsessive times.

[*LoveBugMama*]

Yeah, I think just him learning to ask in different ways would help a little.

But so far I have had no luck with trying to help him rephrase etc. He does this to everyone. Me, his dad, my mom, his soccercoach etc. He asks his soccercoach the exact same question every. single. time. he goes to practice. (Once a week.)

We have just started to have a set schedule again, with set hours for schoolwork etc. every day. But it hasn`t helped yet. He HATES schoolwork. And sleep. He hates everything that isn`t fun, actually. And very few things seems fun to him, so he spends a lot of time being sad/frustrated because he needs to sleep, do schoolwork, take a shower (ooh, G*d, don`t get me started with his hate of showering) etc. He likes computers, and soccer. And sealife. And that`s pretty much it. Ooh, and MacGyver. We watch a lot of MacGyver.

I don`t know if this is something that is coming from what I believe to be his Asperger`ish/ADHD`ish issues. But it is NOT within the realm of "normal", that I am sure of. And when my mom said that "her" teen is just like this, I started thinking it might be connected.

Thank you for answering me.

[heatherdeg]

My 6yo just had has ASD dx lifted in Nov, but was flagged for ADHD.

He is NEVER. HAPPY. This afternoon we had just baked cookies together (and he is a FULL-ON participant--even putting the pan in and out of the oven) and not 5 minutes later it's "nobody likes to play with me". He gets a Lego he's coveted, puts it together, and is on to buying the next one (he gets his own allowance money and it burns a hole in his pocket... seriously).

Oh... and mine is always bargaining for the "next thing". If I dare to let him watch TV, it's the next show (and the next and next if I let it go just once). No matter what we do (even if he asks for it) it's just never enough. TOTAL abyss that can't be filled. I have no idea what to do about it. I was THIS close to finding a therapist when I found this thread. I was actually going to cross-post on this topic here and in Parenting because I didn't know where to turn.

And the NEGATIVITY is just insane lately. The last day or two it's been "nobody likes me" or "I'm a bad boy" or the like. Note: no kid is ever "bad" in our house. If anything, they're "not being a very good listener".

It's driving me absolutely insane. And really, he gets plenty of attention and engagement but the second he doesn't have it, it's a problem. And I have a 16mo dd to consider, too. He adjusted to her well for the first year and lately... notsomuch. But the negativity has been there since before she was even in the picture.

[rlandnl]

My 6.5 y/o is a lot like this, he can enjoy the moment but he totally focuses on "what's next" and we always set out the entire schedule so that he knows and it's detailed like if we need to go to the store I say and when we go to x store we are getting x,x,x,and x and god forbid I get y too....

it helps mostly.

About the shower and sleeping thing, I wonder if that's an Asperger's thing or what my son is Aspie, SPD and generalized anxiety and HATES bed, and HATES HATES HATES showers. I bathe him once a week it's not worth the fight.

[earthmama4]

Sounds exactly like my Aspergers 13 year old. He always has to know what's next and he gets very, very focused on one thing, usually something monetary he wants, and when he finally gets it, he loses interest quickly and its off to the next thing. This obsessive, can't let it go stuff plus his refusal to follow basic hygiene requirements (I'll spare you the gross details) were the big red flags that motivated his day treatment therapist to suggest ASD testing.

Part of the whats next, whats next thing is related to anxiety. Anxiety is very common with ASDs, and his anti-anxiety/depression meds have helped a lot with this. You are very right when you say he can't help it. If he has Aspergers, then his brain just works differently. But there are a lot of approaches that can help. I really like the book, Adolescents on the Autistic Spectrum, and Autism Life Skills both by Chantal Sicile-Kira. Another book I read that was recommended by the psychiatrist was "A Parent's Guide to Aspergers and High Functioning Autism (I don't remember the authors on that one, sorry!)

I was treated wonderfully by the staff that diagnosed DS. It was a great experience. I am sorry yours was so hard. I would encourage you to perhaps try the evaluation process again. You can go through a different avenue this time, there are many different types of professionals that diagnose ASD. I'd hate to see a bad experience keep you from getting some help and answers if your are needing them.

[*LoveBugMama*]

Thank you so much for all your answers.

Yeah, he has anxiety, too. To me it feels like anxiety for a few very specific things, and then GAD in the mix, too. (Endless worrier about things.) He also has something that, to me, looks like OCD`ish behaviour.

About eval: Here in Norway there are a lott less options when it comes to different places to get evaluated, unfortunately. I think we either have to go to the exact same place, and I don`t even know how they would help us now that LoveBug is homeschooled (my county has a MAJOR problem with homeschooling and part-time schooling. That was the main problem last time.) So I THINK our only other option, if there is any, is to get a private childpsych and pay everything ourselves. And right now that is not an option.

[Smokering]

My sister has autism and is like this. DH, a tad Aspie, can be like it too just a little - he gets nervous if he doesn't have a plan.

It doesn't mean your child has less enjoyment of events than others - just that the enjoyment is spread over several days or weeks. If he used up 80% of his enthusiasm organising and anticipating the event he might have only 20% left to give on the night, KWIM? Plus, he might find it overwhelming when it arrives. My sister has a form of narcolepsy and tends to "switch off" (ie fall asleep on the floor) when the event she's been anticipating for weeks arrives. She actually misses most of her fun events that way! But oh, how she loves the planning.

It can be hard not to take it personally... especially if you happen to be a guest who is greeted with "When are you going?"

[*LoveBugMama*]

Originally Posted by Smokering

My sister has autism and is like this. DH, a tad Aspie, can be like it too just a little - he gets nervous if he doesn't have a plan.

It doesn't mean your child has less enjoyment of events than others - just that the enjoyment is spread over several days or weeks. If he used up 80% of his enthusiasm organising and anticipating the event he might have only 20% left to give on the night, KWIM? Plus, he might find it overwhelming when it arrives. My sister has a form of narcolepsy and tends to "switch off" (ie fall asleep on the floor) when the event she's been anticipating for weeks arrives. She actually misses most of her fun events that way! But oh, how she loves the planning.

It can be hard not to take it personally... especially if you happen to be a guest who is greeted with "When are you going?"

OMG!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!! I never, ever thought of it this way. Thank you so much for making me realize this. He DOES enjoy planning, waiting and anticipating. And he DOES get overwhelmed when something happens that he has been waiting/wanting for.

Again, thank you so much for helping me understand this.

And the last part, about guests. He does the exact same thing.
And the more he likes the quest, the more he asks when they are going home.

[pixiekisses]

s hon, that's all I can offer on this matter.

I think the evaluation thing is serious though, in that big city and just one place for eval. What about getting an apointment somewhere similar when you go west to visit your family there?

[InMediasRes]

Wow, I have anxiety and I feel like this alot (though not to that extreme). I plan plan plan for everything, and if I can't plan or I feel unprepared, things get very stressful and overwhelming for me very fast.

I would try to get the eval anyway you can.

[*LoveBugMama*]

Originally Posted by pixiekisses

s hon, that's all I can offer on this matter.

I think the evaluation thing is serious though, in that big city and just one place for eval. What about getting an apointment somewhere similar when you go west to visit your family there?

Yeah, I have thought about it. But what good would it do, you think? I mean, we never stay there more than a week or so, and we wouldn`t have the time to get an eval in such a short time, would we? And WHERE should we try to get it? BUP? You can`t get into BUP without your docs help, can you? What other options are there? I guess you know quite a lot about this..

Thanks for the hug. I can always use a hug from my favorite "foreigner", ya know!

[earthmama4]

Originally Posted by Smokering

It doesn't mean your child has less enjoyment of events than others - just that the enjoyment is spread over several days or weeks. If he used up 80% of his enthusiasm organising and anticipating the event he might have only 20% left to give on the night, KWIM? Plus, he might find it overwhelming when it arrives.

That is a wonderful insight! I love learning more about how they perceive the world.

But man, in that case, the Ipod Touch he's been obsessing and saving for since December is going to be a quick turn around - he's used up a ton of energy on it and still has a month to go (Feb b-day present we are matching him dollar for dollar). I think it will take all my effort not to when he doesn't like it anymore after hearing NOTHING ELSE for three months straight. I saw today that Apple just came out with the I-Pad which is like a giant I-Pod Touch/I-Phone computer thingy - god I hate that company, they have no idea what they are doing to me!

[pixiekisses]

Originally Posted by *LoveBugMama*

Yeah, I have thought about it. But what good would it do, you think? I mean, we never stay there more than a week or so, and we wouldn`t have the time to get an eval in such a short time, would we? And WHERE should we try to get it? BUP? You can`t get into BUP without your docs help, can you? What other options are there? I guess you know quite a lot about this..

I have to say, I have no idea where. BUP would be an option, and yeah you need a doc to refer you, but wouldn't lovebug's doc do that if you told him/her too? Shouldn't care where you get an eval., should he/her.
And of course, you'd have to set up the eval. from where you live and just go down there when it's time (time it). About the time aspect, I have no clue. You'd have to ask them how long such things take.
You know a lot more about this than me, this isn't my area you know.
And what good it would do? Can't answer that either, I don't know if getting eval. and diagnosis will benefit lovebug, only you can answer that I think. Will it be easier to get him help? Are there any systems around him that would kick in if he had diagnosis? Easier to plan a route ahead? Any place he can get help with x daignosis that he can't now because he doesn't have it? Any benefits at all? Even just economical? (And that of course, depends if it's worth putting him trough tests for.)

You know, all our doctors and nurses and all the other wonderful people around us always listens to me, they know I'm right after all these years (actually, they've known for quite some years already) and that my gut feeling is always right. So I'm not used to all this cr@p that you've gotten with the system. I can remember some troubles when we first got thrown into it, but that's years ago, but I do know that it can be though when I think about it. How you have to fight sometimes. (I've actually filed a complaint against a doc once! Jeeez, I just remembered. He was, well, I don't want to say those bad words. But ya know.)
But, if you're gonna fight, it has to be for a good reason. That it will be better for your kid. And that part, only you can decide.

Originally Posted by *LoveBugMama*

Thanks for the hug. I can always use a hug from my favorite "foreigner", ya know!

[*LoveBugMama*]

Pixie: Thank you.

Right now I am not sure that it WILL be better for him with a diagnosis. So right now we are just trying to read, learn and help him as best we can, both me and his dad. Just tonight I found an amazing way of calming him before he fell asleep. (He has big trouble relaxing, and fights sleep like crazy. Has done this all his life.) But tonight I found something that really worked. (Firm pressure to his body while he was lying in bed, while I at the same time whispered soothing sounds and talked about him being in a boat, with the waves splashing against the boat.) He fell asleep in just half an hour, and he was calm. My boy, Sir Antsy Wigglesalot, was calm and lied in his bed without talking. Without moving, fighting me, being abgry because he had to sleep etc. It was amazing.

So right now a fight with the system is out. My health can`t take it, and it would 99% sure make LoveBug`s life worse, with the pressure of going to meetings etc. He is still just as "demanding", exhausting etc. as he has always been, but after we started homeschooling, he is not depressed. He was depressed and really sad everyday before. Now he isn`t. That is worth everything to me.