Does "stuff" in your life happen for a reason?

[Oriole]

I don't know if I still could feel this way in something truly tragic came along. And I do not intend to minimize anyone's hard time, I am only speaking for my own experiences, kwim?

Here is what I'm noticing more and more about my life...
So many things seem to happen for a reason.

Example: DP lost his job a year ago.
Result: we are much wiser with our finances than we were a year ago, it's a blessing to have DP home to take care of DSD, who needs extra daddy time at the moment, and I love having DP home when I get from work. We are closer and stronger in every aspect (well, maybe except for financial )

Example: struggles with dsd's teenage years.
Result: I've become so much more patient and understanding, I'm reassured in my own abilities to handle the bad times. It reminded me how much I appreciated DP's parenting style, and more than ever I'm certain this is exactly the kind of father I want for my children.

Example: DP is waiting on having kids, and I really really want one, like yesterday!
Result: If I got pregnant tomorrow, thanks to MDC, I'm in a much much much better spot than I would have been five years ago. DSD is in a much different position herself, and I think not having a little sibling over here gave her a restful place in a way. Even more so, I've learned to be a better parent by watching her dad over the years. It wouldn't have been the same if we had kids right away, or even a little into our relationship. Emotionally, I feel more prepared and stable to have a child. I bet in one year, we'll be much mroe prepared financially to handle the pregnancy and a baby.

Example: My sister just had twins, and needs a lot of help.
Result: while it's exhausting, but I think I would never get over my secret wish to have twins. After three days of helping her out, I'm OK with never having the workload that the parents of twins have to do.

Example: Childhood trauma
Result: now as an adult, it encouraged me to explore spirituality in a new way, and truly expanded my horizons and my own understanding of the universe, and my place in it.

Example: every little job I had that took up the scraps of my time and
pulled me through college (doggy daycare, photography studio, nanny).
Result: I'm capable of working with large breeds, and I know through experience exactly what dogs I do and do not want. I make money during the holiday season as a photographer, and the nanny position introduced me to Waldorf and encouraged me to consider opening up my own daycare (which I'm sure will happen one day).


Does anyone else feel like life is teaching them lessons that will help them out more than harm?

[woodchick]

YES!

Here's a couple off the top of my head

1. A few years ago I threw together a last minute 'family reunion' of sorts for my DH's family. Some were coming in from out of state, some live nearby and many hadn't seen each other in several years [we're talking my FIL and his siblings and their kids]. It was a wonderful day full of reminiscing and games and group photos and everything a family reunion should be. I gave myself a big pat on the back for pulling it off. A week later FIL called to tell us that his brother had passed away, totally unexpected. So, it wasn't really ME that got the family together for such a great day. It was God giving everyone a chance to see J one last time. God 1, my pride 0!

2. DD1 was born with severe Meconium Aspiration. After two weeks of intense treatments and hospitalization we took her home. Though it was a scary time, DH and I had a peace about everything, it's hard to explain. Fast forward one year. I had run into a woman that had been in my birthing class- we hadn't seen each other since before the kids were born. She was interested in hearing our story so I told her all about our experiences in the NICU and how scary, yet not scary it was. The next week she called me. The day after we had spoken her sister had a baby that needed (minor) care in the NICU. My friend told me that she had passed along the words I had told her the day before and that they had kept her and her sister calm and at ease during their own scary time. God had given me the absolute right words to pass along!

I'm sure I have more. I am continually amazed at the way God works in my life!

[doubledutch]

yes! when i first started reading, i thought you were going to say you used to believe everything happens for a reason but that you don't anymore. i was like, seriously?!

yeah, i do. i've believed this for a long time, not in the sense of things happening as punishment (like people deserve to have painful experiences), but exactly in the way you described - that it may be painful or discouraging or whatever when it happens, but over time you gain from it. i've had some heartaches that i would not "undo" if i could.

[_ktg_]

Yes, yes & YES!!

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, be it a calling to make sure you are following your path in life, or to re-direct you back to you path or as I am quite aware of giving you a big fat sign that you need to get on that path pronto!

My favorite is: Our Move to WI
Inital Reason - missing family like crazy.
What it has provided: Opportunity for me to pursue getting my master's degree, meeting my "guides" into becoming a birth activist & now undertaking my doula training. Having a better connection with my family (DH, DSx2) and developing what is important to me (and its not my job).
For DH - he's gotten involved with a SAHD group, developed a better understanding and desire for the type of parent he wants to be. Allowed or really grown himself to be someone other than what friends (his family, high school & stuff) stereotyped him as (slacker, stoner, gamer, underachiver). And depending how our garden goes this year... I sense he may find his calling as a farmer. Its such a strong feeling that I can't ignore it.

I know in my heart - we'll make our way back to the PNW one day, but our life will be vastly different from when we left and the WI move is really the step to help us develop as a family to that next level and essentially in my mind let us figure out what paths we need to be on as people, for both DH & I.

[Thalia the Muse]

I don't believe that things are arranged by some outside force to teach us -- BUT, I think your ability to look at events in your life and find a positive lesson in them is a huge and valuable asset. IMO, it's not that the universe/god/karma decided you needed to learn something -- it's that you have the ability to look at everything that happens in your life and learn from it, and that you are able to frame things in a positive and helpful way to you. As you move through life, you collect lessons from everything you encounter, which is a tremendous gift.

My mom is a social psychologist and has done some research on this -- the people who are best able to recover from hard times (death in the family, house fire, things like that) and remain psychologically healthy are those who can find a positive in the event, and ideally find meaning in it as well. You are very good at doing both of those things!

[cappuccinosmom]

Definitely. According to my beliefs, there are two options. 1. God does something specifically in my life, 2. Stuff happens due to my choices or the choices of others, and God uses it for good in my life. I don't always know which one applies to which situation, but I can think of many things that were tough or downright traumatic that were "pathways" to good things later on, or that weren't "good" in and of themselves but gave me insight which I appreciate having, or a deeper level of compassion for others.

[zinemama]

No. Absolutely not.

I find the concept that "everything happens for a reason" to be one of the cruelest ideas around.

Can we learn from things that happen to us? Absolutely. Can we come to find meaning in them after the fact. For sure.

But were they engineered to happen specifically? To believe that is to believe the universe (God) favors the wealthy and successful, damns the poor and unfortunate, sends horrific random violence to the innocent, and on and on.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by zinemama

No. Absolutely not.

I find the concept that "everything happens for a reason" to be one of the cruelest ideas around.

Can we learn from things that happen to us? Absolutely. Can we come to find meaning in them after the fact. For sure.

But were they engineered to happen specifically? To believe that is to believe the universe (God) favors the wealthy and successful, damns the poor and unfortunate, sends horrific random violence to the innocent, and on and on.

I understand what you are trying to say, and it's a hard one to argue with.

My only argument against it is, if this theory favors the wealthy, then how come I never met a truly happy wealthy person? Success is not defined by how big is the mansion. It's how happy the family inside that mansion is, and from my (limited?) experience - it's not that many. kwim?

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by Oriole

I understand what you are trying to say, and it's a hard one to argue with.

My only argument against it is, if this theory favors the wealthy, then how come I never met a truly happy wealthy person?

I can't say why you've never met a happy wealthy person. The ones I know are very happy. They enjoy comfortable lives, the security of knowing they can pay for top-notch educations for their children and the satisfaction of being able to help those less fortunate.

ETA: Of course you don't have to be wealthy to be happy. I'm not saying that. I'm saying that "everything happens for a reason" favors the happy. Whether they are happy because they are wealthy or for some other reason. And it puts the mothers of stillborn babies, the sick, the raped, the tortured, the victims of disaster into a class of people being singled out for especially "meaningful" misery. I don't buy that.

[sky*hawk]

Oriole, have you ever read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho? I'm reading it now and it's really amazing. It's about being on the path and recognizing and following the omens that we are given. It's a fiction story about a boy following his Personal Legend. You should check it out...

[MamaFern]

Originally Posted by sky*hawk

Oriole, have you ever read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho? I'm reading it now and it's really amazing. It's about being on the path and recognizing and following the omens that we are given. It's a fiction story about a boy following his Personal Legend. You should check it out...

it is a great book

i too believe that things happen for a reason. i get some comfort out of knowing that in bad times and in good.. i don't believe that it is god's hand making these things happen, but i believe that there are higher beings in the universe.

[Liquesce]

I have to agree with zinemama. I think the fine line between saying "I strive to find the silver linings in or to learn something from the bad things that happen to me" and "all things happen for a reason" is a very, very important one. The first only comments on yourself and your personal philosophy; the other either has to comment upon other people not doing so as a failing on their part, or to indicate that people who do not do so are in some way excluded from inclusion in whatever force provides the phenomenon.

Even on the level of personal philosophy I think it can be important as well, though ... a lot of people's crises of faith start when something finally happens to them in which they can find no good or greater purpose.

[Aubergine68]

I would answer yes to the OP's question. I believe in reincarnation and karma, for example, that at least some of our life circumstances are planned, with our consent, before we are born. I also believe that we have past-life amnesia, because otherwise we'd be too paralyzed by knowledge of the bigger metaphysical picture of our lives, to actually live our lives and learn what we are here to learn.

But I also don't think that "everything happens for a reason", whatever the metaphysical reason, is *at all* an appropriate or comforting response to someone in crisis. I don't talk about my beliefs much at all, actually. Even though we sometimes see (or create, as pp have suggested) meaningful patterns that are comforting as we look back on our lives, the important thing is to be here now, I think. Jmo.

[Mosaic]

I do agree with the OP. Yes, I believe everything happens for a reason, even if that reason isn't one that I understand, agree with, or like. I do believe that it's up to the individual to find the silver lining, or not, to come to terms with what cards have been dealt to them, or not, to choose how to move forward, or not.

I have a fabulous life, but it is not free from painful tragedy, chronic illness, huge losses, etc. It is at those times that I find this concept MOST comforting because when I am most lost and confused, I feel some relief thinking that somehow, somewhere, there is a purpose behind something so senseless. I know not everyone feels this way, so I certainly don't go to a child's funeral and tell the parents that their daughter died "for a reason". But similarly, when good things happen, I don't assume it's luck, chance, or karma; and still strive to better understand and appreciate what it means in my life and in the lives of others.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by sky*hawk

Oriole, have you ever read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho? I'm reading it now and it's really amazing. It's about being on the path and recognizing and following the omens that we are given. It's a fiction story about a boy following his Personal Legend. You should check it out...

I did read that book (a long while ago), and I remember loving it.

[sky*hawk]

Originally Posted by Liquesce

I have to agree with zinemama. I think the fine line between saying "I strive to find the silver linings in or to learn something from the bad things that happen to me" and "all things happen for a reason" is a very, very important one. The first only comments on yourself and your personal philosophy; the other either has to comment upon other people not doing so as a failing on their part, or to indicate that people who do not do so are in some way excluded from inclusion in whatever force provides the phenomenon.

Even on the level of personal philosophy I think it can be important as well, though ... a lot of people's crises of faith start when something finally happens to them in which they can find no good or greater purpose.

Great point...

[jess_paez]

Originally Posted by Liquesce

I have to agree with zinemama. I think the fine line between saying "I strive to find the silver linings in or to learn something from the bad things that happen to me" and "all things happen for a reason" is a very, very important one. The first only comments on yourself and your personal philosophy; the other either has to comment upon other people not doing so as a failing on their part, or to indicate that people who do not do so are in some way excluded from inclusion in whatever force provides the phenomenon.

Even on the level of personal philosophy I think it can be important as well, though ... a lot of people's crises of faith start when something finally happens to them in which they can find no good or greater purpose.

I think this is important. If people really knew what they sounded like when someone is facing tragedy and they reply with, "Well...everything happens for a reason!"
It's insane, really. My daughter died. No, she didn't die the way she did for a reason. If I was selfish I could say that she was brought upon our family to 'teach me a lesson', so that I could become a better person and perhaps be more compassionate towards others. But I don't believe that. She died, it's life. Sometimes bad things happen and other times wonderful things happen.
I believe as people we are really resourceful. When going through rough times if we stay strong we can pick ourselves back up. Some people can't and that is why they live the way they do and nothing ever gets better for them. But the majority can 'find the silver lining'.

I don't have to "understand" why my daughter passed away. There is no one to blame. She just did. Something went wrong at no fault of anyone and caused me to go into preterm labor. Life and death is intertwined and I feel comfortable with knowing that I can be at peace because no higher power or whoever/whatever caused this. I'm not being punished, neither is my family.

Everything happens for a reason? Not in my life.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by zinemama

No. Absolutely not.

I find the concept that "everything happens for a reason" to be one of the cruelest ideas around.

Can we learn from things that happen to us? Absolutely. Can we come to find meaning in them after the fact. For sure.

But were they engineered to happen specifically? To believe that is to believe the universe (God) favors the wealthy and successful, damns the poor and unfortunate, sends horrific random violence to the innocent, and on and on.

Thank you zinemama!

I lost a son to stillbirth many years ago. While it has helped me be a more mindful and caring parent... I would trade back any "wisdom" I may have gained to have him back in my arms. To think that Universe or god conspired to kill my baby to make me a better person would honestly make me quite insane.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by zinemama

No. Absolutely not.

I find the concept that "everything happens for a reason" to be one of the cruelest ideas around.

Can we learn from things that happen to us? Absolutely. Can we come to find meaning in them after the fact. For sure.

But were they engineered to happen specifically? To believe that is to believe the universe (God) favors the wealthy and successful, damns the poor and unfortunate, sends horrific random violence to the innocent, and on and on.

Originally Posted by philomom

Thank you zinemama!

I lost a son to stillbirth many years ago. While it has helped me be a more mindful and caring parent... I would trade back any "wisdom" I may have gained to have him back in my arms. To think that Universe or god conspired to kill my baby to make me a better person would honestly make me quite insane.

I don't think that god or the universe conspired to kill your baby. I am sorry for your loss.

My take on this is that I do think that everything happens for a reason. We aren't meant to know all of the details for those reasons though. I believe that every.single.action a person makes has repercussions way beyond human comprehension. There is no way that we could ever begin to understand what it might mean when ever we make a particular choice. Each person's choices impact everyone else's experience, sometimes in big obvious ways, and sometimes so imperceptibly that it almost might not have existed. Of course none of us would logically choose suffering. We would never choose for a loved one to be in pain. But there is pain in our world. There is inequality, and truly outrageous tragedies. I think these are here by our own choosing, unconsciously. In several religions it was believed long ago that we lived without suffering. But then as the Christians would say, "We fell from grace". But from then my beliefs diverge. We aren't being punished. We are simply experiencing. We are learning about attachment, about what is important. And while nothing is more important than another human life, each of us has to learn in our own way.

I have my daughter, the love of my life, because of an abusive relationship. I would go through that again, the whole ugly thing just as I did before, because I've learned some very valuable lessons that I would have otherwise missed. I've received some amazing gifts that I probably would have missed too. I didn't want to go through that in order to learn those things, but I must have needed those experiences to make me stronger so that I can be the type of person I need to be both for my DD, but also for myself and every other human on this planet. It's all connected. And because of this I feel rich, spiritually and financially. You wouldn't know it to see my monthly income.

Life for me is about growth. I remember being a small child and feeling "growing pains". They really hurt. It's not a comparison to the loss of a loved one. But if something hurts us, generally we are learning to grow, to feel beyond the limitations that we were previously comfortable with. From each event, good or bad, we learn something necessary. Good and bad are only labels anyways. Just like the labels of wealthy, evil, horrific, violent, cruel, etc. If we can learn to see the lessons and detach from the emotions we would be much better off as a people. Not that I am the perfect example of that, it's just something I reach for.

There is no conspiracy, no vengeful god keeping tally of our deeds. Our deeds are counted, and they matter. But not in a way that we can even begin to fathom. I try to simply accept it, find my way of peace with it. I still feel the emotions, but I don't think it is my or any other beings fault that things have happened. They just happened, and they just are.

JMHO

[chimomma]

Originally Posted by zinemama

No. Absolutely not.

I find the concept that "everything happens for a reason" to be one of the cruelest ideas around.

Can we learn from things that happen to us? Absolutely. Can we come to find meaning in them after the fact. For sure.

But were they engineered to happen specifically? To believe that is to believe the universe (God) favors the wealthy and successful, damns the poor and unfortunate, sends horrific random violence to the innocent, and on and on.

I hear this kind of sentiment come up quite often and take issue with it. I think we really need to come to terms with the nature of the world around us. There is good and bad. Peace and violence. Happiness and sadness. Victory and tragedy. There was never any implied or expressed guarantee that this world is supposed to be all good and happiness for all people at all times. I don't think we can have the assumption that it was intended to be that or that it should be that. We have no place to feel wronged or injustice when terrible things do happen in the world. It was never our right to be in a place where everything was good and comfortable all the time. Would it even be desirable for everything to always be pleasant all the time for everyone all the time?

When you talk about favoring the wealthy and successful, and damning the poor, it really depends on what you feel are the main goals of life and what is valued most. If you think it is material wealth and social accomplishments, that is one thing. But if you think the higher value things in this life are more in the realms of personal growth, character, spiritual development, a sense of balance and awareness, or other intangible things, then I really don't see the poor or those lacking what is often termed "success" as at a greater disadvantage. In fact they often are able to have a perspective that can be very fulfilling which would be hard to obtain if your life is mostly comfortable all the time.

If nothing we were adverse to ever happened in the world, what would ever motivate us to change? How would we be put in situations which force us to grow in other directions? How would we get stronger? I have seen my fair share of hardship and comfort and I would never trade one for the other, but am very glad I got to experience both. If you never experienced pain, how do you truly appreciate comfort? If there is no contrast between good and bad, isn't everything just monotone? Balance and diversity is very important.

Sometimes we like certain things we come across and sometimes it is appalling, but how we deal with both things says a lot about us, and a lot of our inner dimensions wouldn't come to light unless we were put into a situation we found unpleasant. So a bad thing happening may be a push toward spiritual growth. In my perspective, spiritual growth is the most important thing in life. So if my creator put something in my life/ the world which seemed terrible and appalling to our senses, but spurred me on to grow spiritually, I don’t feel a sense of blame is in order but a sense of gratitude.