Nanny/child behavior issues

[Rosehip]

I'm not sure if this belongs here or in parenting. I think some long-simmering issues have come to a head. My kids just turned 5 & 3. My nanny is very sweet, but totally unable/unwilling to set boundaries and limits with the kids. For instance - the kids will run wild and sort of tear the house apart while she basically follows them around the house. Or, my 5 yo will run away from her after preschool pickup (very busy road) while the nanny pleads with her to hold her hand, instead of taking charge. Today the kids had a playdate with two sisters over and it was a nightmare. The other mom, who is a friend of mine, told me (very kindly, I asked her) that my nanny just has no control and the kids (the 5 yo in particular) is not behaving very well. There are other issues with the nanny - driving and language - as well.

I'm pretty beside myself right now. I think it's now obvious that this nanny simply isn't going to work any longer. I guess I feel sort of powerless right now. I've talked to the nanny ad naseum about her being the adult, etc., but I finally realize it's not in her personality to take charge. I've talked to my 5 yo about behaving well, but I feel like it doesn't make any difference when there's no backup from the nanny. I'm so worried about my kids ending up with a social problem - either being the mean girl or ending up picked on (which I was).

Has anyone else had an issue like this?

[rivkah]

I had a similar experience with a nanny. Honestly, it sounds like it is time for the nanny to go. That was our only solution. It is important to realize that this cannot be your child's issue. You can't expect your children to behave when their is not a adult helping them learn to do so. In our case, we had a very sweet, very young woman who was just unprepared to deal with school aged children after school.. kids are smart, and they immediately realized that they could walk all over her. She would call me a work and essentially "tattle." I finally just had to tell her it was not working out. I needed someone to be a caretaker (which can include imposing boundaries), and I couldn't do so remotely from my office. It was hard to do, but my kids were far, far happier with a caretaker who expected them to behave and "took charge" as you put it. Children need and want someone to protect them--someone who gets walked all over is not going to make the kids feel secure.

[HollyBearsMom]

I did, sort of. Not as much as not being able to control our son but more that his needs changed as did ours and she wasnt up to the challenge.

Sounds like maybe you might need someone new, someone either with more experience or willing to follow your rules/lead?

Our first nanny was wonderful for our infant son. She carried him everywhere, sang to him, cuddled him basically did eveything I could possibly want her to do. It was heaven and I had such peace of mind knowing she was with him.

As he got older he adored her, cooed at her, laughed at her. He called her "My Alice". When he cut his first tooth she saved the little bit of apple that had his tooth mark so I could see it.

When he started to walk I could tell things were different. She was older with bad knees. They didnt go out much and stayed home and inside. They read or he played and I kept saying "it is Ok, she loves him so much and he loves her". I can do the library, the play ground, etc on the weekends. He doesn't need to go out every day, he doesn't need someone to sit on the floor and play with him.

By the time he was 3 things just got worse. He would run away from her in the yard and she couldn't catch him. No matter what we talked about she continued to stay home, to sit and just watch him play.

"He is just too fast for me, I am afraid he'll run down the driveway".
"I can't catch him at the library"
"Playgrounds are too much, he'll just run away"

When he started pre school 3 days a week the director actually said something to me after the first few months. Our nanny had been complaining about his running away, that her hips hurt, that he was a handful, he was too much.

I finally had to sit down with her and say it wasn't working anymore. It broke my heart but she agreed too. He needed someone who would swing with him, play ball, make mud pies. Someone one who help him with bike and take him to the playground.

I just wish I had had a long talk with her sooner.

[Ellien C]

Honestly, she sounds like she was great with babies and infants. Following their leads, responding to their needs. It sounds like everyone might be happier with a new arrangement. You could offer her an excellent recommendation for a gentle-AP family with a newborn. You could even post on the tribe or Due Date Club area here for her. Would it be possible for you to ask if she thinks she might be happier caring for babies? Three and five are ages when pre-school and school starts, so lots of people make different arrangements at that age.