Need some help

[mommytoavery]

I am fairly new to GD. My 3yo dd is very good at manipulating. Like we always give her choices but now she is turning that around on us. She will say "Okay so Mommy these are your 2 choices...you can either let me watch tv all day long or i will be upset with you." How do I respond to this? Also yesterday we had an incident at our preschool co-op. There is a 7yo girl there and my dd said that she took a stuffed kitty away from her. It was the 7yo's kitty but my dd had been playing with it all morning. I am fine with the 7yo getting it back if she did it in a nice way but they were in a play tunnel and so I don't know what exactly happened. What I do know is that my dd came out of the tunnel and was extremely, genuinely upset. She said that the other girl took the kitty but then she just kept saying "People are supposed to share". How would you have responded to this? And of course all the other moms are looking at me like I have the worst behaved kid in the world.

Also how do you handle your kids running off? The other day she was hitting my shoe with a stick and I asked her politely to stop. She continued to do it so I told her if she didn't stop, she would have to give me the stick. She kept doing it and so I asked her very nicely to give me the stick and she ran off from me. Then we went to the park and I gave her plenty of cues to let her know it was almost time to go. When I finally said, Ok we have to go now, she ran away from me.

[bluegirl91695]

I am certainly no expert with this and since my 3 yr old is my first child and I wasn't raised with GD, I'm kind of feeling my way through this. What I try to do is just communicate, communicate, communicate. I'm not going to spank, so communication and redirection are the best solutions for me.

When my son has an altercation/disagreement with another child I just try to redirect the situation to feelings and an attempt to shape his reactions. For instance, in the sharing situation I might say something like "I know that you're disappointed about not being able to play with the toy right now. Maybe you can ask your friend if you can play with it again after he/she is finished." or if the situation doesn't look favorable to getting the coveted toy back I might try to help him find something else that he'd like to play with. It doesn't blame the other child for their behavior and calls attention to how he's feeling and then offers a solution/alternative/coping skill. Bottom line, kids are learning how to share so he will encounter this all the time. He needs to learn how to deal with it. He doesn't always share either!

As for the running way I think consistency is the key. I always have a conversation with him about the safety aspects of staying with me and how running away can be dangerous. It's not a quick fix but it prevents the "because I said so" feeling that can be communicated to children when we don't explain why we want them to do something. It takes a while and sometimes my son will still run off but he's doing much better these days.

Good luck! It isn't easy!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by mommytoavery

My 3yo dd is very good at manipulating. Like we always give her choices but now she is turning that around on us. She will say "Okay so Mommy these are your 2 choices...you can either let me watch tv all day long or i will be upset with you."

I don't think that is manipulation. She is just doing what you do to her. They learn by imitation. If you are feeling at odds with her, like its you against her, then the best way to deal with that is to spend a lot of time on the floor reconnecting.

If my DD said that to me, I would probably chuckle, and say something like, "Okay, here are your 2 choices: I will either tickle your armpits, or tickle your kneepits. Here I come!"

Originally Posted by mommytoavery

What I do know is that my dd came out of the tunnel and was extremely, genuinely upset.

Lots and lots of sympathy. "You were having so much fun playing with that kitty!" "When the girl wanted her kitty back, it was really hard to give it back!' etc. Then maybe try to make a plan for how to resolve the issue as a PP mentioned, maybe suggesting she could ask the girl tomorrow if she can have a turn again, or maybe ask her if she would like to bring one of her stuffed animals tomorrow so she would have something to hold, etc.

Originally Posted by mommytoavery

Also how do you handle your kids running off?

DD went through a phase like that. Prevention was the key - I was close to her to before telling her it was time to go so that I could catch her. I also explained that when she runs off, I get scared and angry, and that if I she isn't able to leave when its time, I don't feel like bringing her back to the park because I'm afraid of her running off. It takes a while to sink in. Also, it can be useful to have drinks or snacks for the trip home to make the transition easier, so that getting buckled into that carseat isn't quite as disappointing and leaving isn't so hard. You can also talk about what fun thing is going to happen next as you carry her to the car, and sympathize about how hard it is to leave when you are having fun.

[mommytoavery]

Thank you both so much for your responses. You are right that it isn't manipulation. I think I just really needed to write it down and get it out of my system. The last 2 days have been a lot better. We are reconnecting and I have been able to change my perspective. The kitty thing was hardest because the girl yanked it out of her hands and dd has been taught to ask for things and so she didn't understand why this happened. But we talked about how it made her feel and that even though it may not have been the best way for her friend to get back her kitty that next time she should find something else to play with and distract herself. We went to the park yesterday and she helped me count down which became sort of a game which was great for her and she loved it.

[Tjej]

For running away, I'd expect her to be in a stroller, carried or holding my hand until she was choosing to be responsible enough to not run away. For the park, I'd come up to her and do something like "we'll go down the slide together and then go" so you physically have her before you are saying you are going, but it isn't in a mean restraining way. I'm really hardcore about not running away with my kids and it works quite well. One trip to the mall of only stroller or only hand holding only and they are pretty good at remembering for a long time again.

Tjej