How do you explain it to your child when you have to move house?

[NiteNicole]

We are seriously thinking about selling our house for a whole lot of really good reasons. The only thing that makes me hesitate is that our daughter loves our house. When we go away for the weekend, she talks about missing our house. She just randomly tells me how much she loves our house. A lot. She's not really a homebody or anti-social, but she really really likes our house. And it is a nice house, it's just too big and too expensive and there's too much upkeep.

There are so many good reasons to move and I think she'd adjust eventually, I just know she's going to have some temporary heart break when she realizes that we won't be living here anymore. I can see a LOT of tears. Even though we will be closer to a park (as in, there are no parks here), to her favorite cousin, a better school, and lots lots more stuff she wants to do (take lessons and do sports and really just anything, there is nothing here).

She is also very attached to my parents. It's not unusual for us to see them every other day, if not more often. We would be moving about an hour away from them and although we would still come up on weekends, it wouldn't be the almost every day thing she's used to. She couldn't just ask to go see Nana and then we just go, y'know?

I don't really know how to deal with this with her. My parents moved a lot. No one ever talked to me about it so I'm in uncharted waters here.

[claras_mom]

We went through this with dd1. She just turned five; we'd been mulling it over since she was 3-1/2 and it took a solid year to really get it done, what with getting pregnant and all.

Here's sort of what worked for us.

While certainly you'll make the final decisions, let her in on the process. She got to be very good at Open Houses. Ask her what she loves best about your house now and take that into consideration when looking at new places.

Talk up the cool good things about the new location while acknowledging her feelings about the old house/location.

Be willing, when it finally happens, to drive past the old house when you visit your folks. Multiple times.

The first room we painted was dd's. She got to pick out the light fixture, too. And the bathroom we've "personalized" is the one the girls use. I let her pick out paint and we put up our old shower curtain.

It's been almost six months since we moved. We're only a mile from our old place. Sometimes when dd is really tired, she'll talk about wanting to move back there. But it's getting better--she doesn't say that it's "our" house anymore; she refers to it by the names of the couple who bought it.

[daytripper75]

Honestly, I think it might be more about the feeling of home and the feeling of being surrounded by her things and her family as opposed to loving the four walls.
I think if I were in your position I would get some picture books on moving house and by talking about it a little right before it is time to start packing. Emphasizing how all of your things are going with you and how the whole family is going to be moving to the new house together.
I think she'll surprise you with how resilient she is.

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by daytripper75

Honestly, I think it might be more about the feeling of home and the feeling of being surrounded by her things and her family as opposed to loving the four walls.
I think if I were in your position I would get some picture books on moving house and by talking about it a little right before it is time to start packing. Emphasizing how all of your things are going with you and how the whole family is going to be moving to the new house together.
I think she'll surprise you with how resilient she is.

With dd, it was both, I think. You reminded me that there was a point I realized she needed to know that all our stuff would come with us; that selling the house didn't mean leaving furniture or clothes or toys behind. But there were also things she specifically loved about the house itself: the yard, the hardwood floors, the climbing trees.

[maryeb]

I agree with what clarasmom just said about reminding them all your stuff goes with you. We just moved across the country, away from everything ds knew, good friends, preschool, etc. We felt like we had to, for personal reasons and some similar to yours. I was given the advice of making a book for ds and I think it helped. I made a small book about what would happen, how much fun we would have with our new climate, etc. And that we would always be together as a family. He has done fantastic. He does miss his friends so I put up some pictures on our fridge. He does miss some of our usual activities and great weather, but he has taken to our new home very smoothly. Good luck. Mary

[LaughingHyena]

Ours was a very local move so school, friends, local shops etc have all stayed the same.

It took quite a lot of processing for the kids to work out what was going on. When we first talked about moving house they thought we were literally going to move the house to a new location

We took them with us to see potential new houses and I think that helped. We also spent a lot of time going round the house explaining what would come with us (pretty much everything) and what would stay. DD (5) developed a sudden attachment to the garden shed and spent several nights crying that she would miss it. She hasn't mentioned it since we moved!

We did talked about what we would miss and gave the kids a digital camera to go and take pictures of their favourite things about the old house. We also drew pictures for their new rooms. We did read a couple of moving house books but they were a bit basic for DD. It has been one of the few times she has played with her dolls house, taking all the furniture out, moving the house and them putting it all back again.

We found it best not to bring the subject up too much, we had so many ups and downs the process took us a couple of years. If something big seemed to be happening we let the kids know, otherwise we left it for them to bring up.

Finally I was itching to de clutter as we packed and moved but DD became very upset and the idea that some of her stuff would not come to the new house. I let her watch as I packed stuff and got rid of things I did not need but in the end all her stuff came along and we'll sort through it later.

[SunshineJ]

We made a big move (11 hrs and 2 states away) last fall. It was hard on all of us to be honest. The kids actually did pretty well overall though. They had different reactions, as they're different children (boy 7, girl 5). DD was really into helping pack, DS, not so much. We told them for a few month leading up to the move what was going on. We REALLY talked up the new place, and took a trip to the area so they could see it. Took a few pictures for them to have of the area in general as well, including their new school. Granted it helped that the schools playgroud equipment is visible from the street and wow, I sure never had a playground like that at school! LOL!

Anyway, we had them stay with family for 4 days while we moved. By the time they walked into the house, most of it was unpacked and setup, but most importantly their rooms were completely done. Everything that they'd had in the old house was there, out for them to see. The house may have changed, but their room and stuff was the same, and that was HUGE for them. We immediately got them involved in activities in the area - the local YMCA is big for things like that, so within 3 weeks of moving they were starting school, involved in dance class and taking music lessons. These are all things they enjoy and that they looked forward to, so it kept their focus looking forwards and not backwards.

I highly recommend that before you move, go through your house and take pictures of every room, the front, the back, and anyplace in particular that is a fave spot of hers. We did this before we left, and a couple months after moving dd mentioned that she couldn't remember how something looked and it made her sad. I whipped out the pictures and we had a great time reminiscing, finishing off the conversation with positive things about our new life.

When we first moved here, they asked if we'd ever move back "home". I honestly told them I didn't know. Mind you we don't plan on it, but I can't see the future and really, who knows, right? So I told them we didn't plan on it but that didn't mean it couldn't happen. They made a deal where we would give it a year (we're leasing, so that time frame made sense) and if we were really unhappy then we would consider moving back. The first couple months I heard some about moving back in a year. A few weeks ago I asked them if they liked it here and wanted to stay. They definitely want to go back to visit our old area and my mom, but they love living here and have no desire to leave. As I said, a lot of that was getting them involved in things right away too (that they weren't involved in back home).

It's hard. I think it's harder on us adults because we worry so much about them and their reactions, but it can definitely be done and turn out positively!

[NiteNicole]

Thanks for all the advice!

One issue we have is that a lot of our stuff can not move with us because I see us moving to a much smaller place. I will do everything I can to make sure that nothing of HERS is left behind, but some things just won't fit. We certainly can't match things like the pool or the big yard.

I really like the idea of making sure her room is set up with her things before we move in. I would think not living in a big pit of chaos and boxes would help a lot!