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My in-laws are going to ruin our marriage - Page 2

post #21 of 24
Originally Posted by Adallae View Post
This is exactly how I want to go about things! They try to not leave me an opportunity - in this case, after she argued with him, she left for the night. DH came to me and asked if we could stay a few hours later, and after some back and forth, I agreed. I did not find out what his motivation was until later. If his Dad takes issue with something, he'll wait until we leave and call DH on his cell a few days later. That's why I gets so anxious about visits - everything will seem fine until his phone rings several days later. Once his Dad even drove up here, chatted with us both, waited until I'd left the room, then took DH outside to express some complaint he had. They go out out of their way to avoid me! How do I get around that?
In my experience, you can't have a rational conversation with an irrational person. All of the suggestions on how to better communicate directly with the in-laws, and all of the suggestions to try and compromise with the in-laws are wonderful, but will only work if you're dealing with rational people who are motivated by building solid family relationships. Since they act one way around you, and then wait until you're not around to manipulate their son into doing exactly what they want regardless of how it will impact his family, their motivations seem to speak volumes. And they aren't saying anything good.

Like others have said, this needs to be addressed directly with your husband. There's not really anything you can do to get around the devious and manipulative way your in-laws are behaving, and I wouldn't bother wasting my time trying to reason with them until there are some firmly unmovable boundaries set up. This has to be done by your husband though, not you, since the person they are manipulating is him (because they know they have no control over you). If your husband is "scared" to lose his original family because he's not doing exactly what they want the way they want him to do it, then that is a major stumbling block to a successful marriage. I'm curious, did you ask him how "scared" he was of losing his wife and child?

Sounds like it's time for some counseling. I'm sure a secular counselor will help a great deal, but also, don't ignore any counseling offered by whatever spiritual community you might be a part of, if you're part of one, that is. It's often free, and they are very likely to support the message that people in a successful marriage can only be successful if they put the new family they've created first on the priority list, while still showing respect for the original families both spouses came from, of course. Any older couples you know with successful marriages might be able to help you as well.


Good luck on dealing with this. I'm dealing with this on a minute level in comparison to you, but fortunately, my DP completely ignores the most destructive stuff that comes from the most destructive person in his family. Plus, both our families are over 3000 miles away. Which helps beyond belief!

Wait...can you move to, like, Hawaii, or China or something?
post #22 of 24
Thread Starter 
BIG thank you for everyone's help. DH and I had a good, productive conversation (no arguing) about this, and we will be working together to set some agreed upon boundaries. He does want to put us first, he just needs some help on how to change some of the relationships with his family. I'm sure it will be a bumpy road, but we're taking the first steps.
post #23 of 24
I've had 15.5 years dealing with in-laws. And I have to say I'm the happiest now not doing any in-law gatherings

I would tell dh if he wants to get together with them, go for it. If he wants to bring your child, go for it (unless you want to wait 'til an older age if she's a frequent-nursing infant/toddler). And then you could just do your own thing, enjoying your break. (With no hard feelings towards dh, he's a grown adult and can make his own choices--I think you can eliminate the "choose me or them" approach.)

If they want to visit you overnight, I'd make a list of the nearest inexpensive hotels/motels for dh to give to them.

It's so not worth dealing with this sort of stress. Maybe one day, you can be around them without them getting to you. But that time isn't now. Don't try to be something your not/do something you don't enjoy.

I'm totally for not being around people that don't make me feel good. I don't believe in blind loyalty and yucky obligations.

Not sure what everyone else has told you, but thought it'd be good to give my non-PC response.
post #24 of 24
I think there is a whole ball of issues.

My sister was the white woman married to a black guy. His family's treatment is why he had not hard feelings moving. My brother is married to a Japanese woman. IMO in both situations some of the issues were culture and culture expectations, and race can play a part of the cultural difference.

It also can be deep seeded family issues. My dh has this issue. The only difference is that his desire to not be lonely made him cling to me harder and put his mom/sisters in their place. I would think maybe the younger sister has always treated him that way.

Also, my in-laws have pulled my husband to the side like you described.

Remember it is hard to stand up to your family. Especially if they have grow up in an environment of inferiority. My bil had issues setting boundaries. I had issues and my dh had issues.
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