WWYD? Buying a home - Page 2

[ArtsyMomma]

Originally Posted by Ola_

I agree to wait for option #3. House #1 sounds like a lot of work and a lot more than 5K in materials to fix up. House #2 is ok but the commute may be isolating for you, but only you can decide that.

I know this is none of my business, but just make sure you and the kids are protected in case something happens to your DP or things go south there.

I am, after a rough divorce and a few years as a single mom, I always do my best to get my ducks in a row. Initially I was worried about DP purchasing a house and my living in it - I probably had the same concerns you do. It took me some time to even consider it. What it came down to was that DP and I have a good relationship (we've been friends for 10 years, a couple for 2.5) - much more 'grown up' than the relationship I had with my ex. Also, living in a home, owned by him would be a better living situation than the one the kids and I currently are in. It would give me an opportunity to pay down my debts as my living expenses would decrease significantly and there would be more space for the kids. We wouldn't have to pack up and drive to the park when we wanted to get outside. We would be in a better school district, in a safer town. I did talk everything over with friends and family before I made the decision - went over the pro's and con's, looked for outside opinions.

[ArtsyMomma]

Originally Posted by Vaske

I too vote for trying to find an Option 3.

The first one is too small unless you are ardent minimalists and can get away with converting the garage to DP living space.

The second one doesn't appeal to me because everything's all done and there's nothing left to tear into and leave your own mark on. (At least that is what I plan on doing when I finally get my first house.) How's the drive up/down to it been lately?

DP is a minimalist, he could live in a van. I'm not a hoarder by any means, and I try to keep things simple. I am not an extreme minimalist. The basement/attic are quite a bit of storage space - as they can't be converted to living space. Funny, you mentioned DP living in the garage - he joked about that too.

Interesting point about house #2 - I didn't think about leaving my own mark. I did plan on painting - white walls are boring to me.

I haven't made the drive in awful weather (I suppose I should try - we might get 3 inches tonight). There is an alternate route to the house. It's flatter, but adds a few minutes. You basically have to loop around the mountain instead of going over it. My main vehicle is a mini van with 4 wheel drive - the back up is a station wagon which generally does ok in the snow. I don't usually drive DP's cars.

[ArtsyMomma]

Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma

I love living rural!!! I love the space for my kiddos to play, I easily adapted to meal planning with groceries 20-30 min away. Do you have your own vehicle? Will you feel lonely? How do you feel about winter driving? Will you be able to afford good winter tires?

I grew up rural

I have two cars and DP has two. Hmm I don't know if I'd feel lonely. To be honest, I don't have many friends locally. My two best friends already live hours away. My local friends and I don't get together very often. I could adapt to the grocery shopping - there is a grocery store about 10 min away from the house. It wouldn't be my main store, and DP is always willing to pick things up on his way home too.

Winter driving doesn't bother me, I only had trouble once. I couldn't make it up my parents hill. My car was too light. I've never had winter tires! I always got 'all season'. Purchasing winter tires would not be a problem though.

[ArtsyMomma]

You all have given me lots to think about. I do appreciate the opinions. My parents aren't much help on the distance issue, as they are planning on moving even FARTHER into the country and building a house on a small lake. DP's family -- well he was raised in NYC.

We haven't made a decision on either house, so I'm going to keep looking. I feel like I've looked at a million houses over the last 5 months. We plan to look at option #2 again this weekend.

[annethcz]

I think option #2 is the better of the two, but you don't sound completely sold on it. I live rurally, and while there are things I love about it, it can be a PITA at times.

I also wanted to point out that we're at the slowest time of the year when it comes to buying/selling houses. People often wait until spring to list their home for sale. Spring and summer are usually the busiest times. Even though you've been looking since August, there may be more houses coming onto the market in the next few months.

[crunchy_mommy]

10 minutes to the closest grocery store, gas, etc. -- well that isn't so bad. That's pretty much the same for my own house. There is a gas station about 5 minutes away and a Family Dollar (which I've shopped at twice) but everything else is at least 10 minutes away & the highway is 15 minutes away. It's not a big deal at all, we just consolidate shopping trips. But... I grew up rural too, I hated it when I was a kid because I always wanted to visit friends etc. but they all lived a half hour away and my mom had too many kids to shuttle us all the way across town. So I guess that's another consideration, will your kids mind being that far away from their friends & not being able to get together as often?

[ArtsyMomma]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

10 minutes to the closest grocery store, gas, etc. -- well that isn't so bad. That's pretty much the same for my own house. There is a gas station about 5 minutes away and a Family Dollar (which I've shopped at twice) but everything else is at least 10 minutes away & the highway is 15 minutes away. It's not a big deal at all, we just consolidate shopping trips. But... I grew up rural too, I hated it when I was a kid because I always wanted to visit friends etc. but they all lived a half hour away and my mom had too many kids to shuttle us all the way across town. So I guess that's another consideration, will your kids mind being that far away from their friends & not being able to get together as often?

There is a small grocery store, a bar, a motorcycle shop (not that I have any need for it) and two gas stations about 10ish minutes from the house.

My kids wouldn't have a problem living far from friends - because, well we don't really play with other kids right now. We don't have playdates or have friends over - not many parents would feel comfortable dropping their kids off for a playdate here. Also, my oldest DD is not a social kid. She is very bright and doesn't really like the kids at school. She doesn't want to play with them. If you ask her if she has friends at school, she will say something like "I don't like those kids." or she will tell you about whoever she hung out with during recess. The friends we do have over to play are usually the children of my friends, and the location wouldn't change those get togethers.

I grew up in the same area, although about 10 min closer to things...my mom hated driving us around too. She was a WOHM and my dad ran his own business. They bought me a car when I was 16 and got my license because they were sick of driving me to softball practice. The parents of the girl we carpooled with were thrilled too lol. My mom has retired, and doesn't go out much. I think it's just her personality. She likes to travel, hates running errands. I know it would be a hassle, since even now I consider girl scout meeting a few blocks away a hassle (pack up all 3 kids, drop one off, what to do for an hour with the other 2....)

[ArtsyMomma]

Originally Posted by annethcz

I think option #2 is the better of the two, but you don't sound completely sold on it. I live rurally, and while there are things I love about it, it can be a PITA at times.

I also wanted to point out that we're at the slowest time of the year when it comes to buying/selling houses. People often wait until spring to list their home for sale. Spring and summer are usually the busiest times. Even though you've been looking since August, there may be more houses coming onto the market in the next few months.

I really love house #2, as a house. I think my concerns are about the driving time because I've lived 'in town' for 9 years, and DP has lived 'in town' for 20 years - and spent 25 years living in NYC. I feel a bit bad that the house doesn't have a garage, as that is one thing DP was very set on. I know we could add one later, not really a problem. My dad and his guys could build a small garage over a weekend. The house has everything I want and I don't have to compromise on the things I was looking for, but it's missing something DP really wanted. Heck, he wanted a barn! A garage was a compromise.

[mnnice]

Thanks for describing your situation a little more when you didn't have too. While I can see others being okay with not living together I definitely don't think that way.

I still contend that at least partially merging of finances is helpful in being/becoming a cohesive couple with joint goals (even if you don't actually live together).

[Ola_]

Originally Posted by ArtsyMomma

I feel a bit bad that the house doesn't have a garage, as that is one thing DP was very set on. I know we could add one later, not really a problem. My dad and his guys could build a small garage over a weekend. The house has everything I want and I don't have to compromise on the things I was looking for, but it's missing something DP really wanted. Heck, he wanted a barn! A garage was a compromise.

It's a lot easier (and less disruptive to your family) to build a garage (or a barn for that matter!) than all the work you listed in house #1.

Good luck with making the decision, but if you don't love the house then I really would keep waiting. I felt like we looked at a million houses too so I hear what you're saying. I'll bet it's even harder when you've got kids and all that driving around is even less convenient!

[Smithie]

Very interesting situation, thanks for posting! You gave my brain something to work on

In your shoes, I'd bypass plan #1 AND plan #3 and go to plan #3 - child support. Take a look at your state's calculator, see what he'd owe you given your respective incomes and assets if you broke up and you were the custodial parent of the kid you had together, and ask him to write you a check for that amount every month. Continue to live as you have before WRT sleepovers, splitting groceries and car bills and entertainment etc., but use the extra money in your budget to save for a down payment on a house. Or half a down payment on a house, if you decide to commingle and move in together at some point.

I have no problem with your lifestyle, but the reality is that you are not married, don't live together and don't have commingled finances with this guy. I'm sure that you love him and he loves you, but he's not your family. He's a guy you are seeing romantically. Your family is the kids you have and the kid on the way, and in THEIR best interest, you need to retain your independence and not live rent-free in a house owned by a man who is only going to have an enforceable economic obligation to ONE of you (the baby). That's a crazy amount of potential instability to add into their lives.

Please don't take this as an attack on your relationship. It sounds like you are a lot more likely to make it long-term than most 22-year-olds getting married right out of college! But even though the baby is coming, it's pretty clear that the two of you are not ready to commit yourselves to each other as a family. So in that case, you need to get what your child is fairly owed and can always rely on - not what your boyfriend is giving all of you as a gift and could take away at any moment, with no warning.

I think you'd be surprised by how receptive your DP was to this line of thinking. He sounds like he in no way wants to avoid his responsibilities to his new child, but is still very damaged and incredibly wary because he perceives that his first wife exploited him. If you proceed with this plan, you'll be living in a house that HE is earning equity on, while simultaneously paying all the additional household costs of his child. Do you see how this might be economically beneficial long-term for him, but very much NOT good for your family, for the support money to go into his mortgage instead of your pocket?

[ArtsyMomma]

Originally Posted by mnnice

Thanks for describing your situation a little more when you didn't have too. While I can see others being okay with not living together I definitely don't think that way.

I still contend that at least partially merging of finances is helpful in being/becoming a cohesive couple with joint goals (even if you don't actually live together).

No problem at all. We are an odd couple (18 year age difference too).

Honestly, I was NOT okay living separately for a long time. Especially after NewBaby was conceived. It took some time for me to come to terms with it. Then, the more I thought about it - the more I liked it. Eventually, I'd like to live together. Just not right now.

I think you are right about the finances. Maybe something like a joint account for household expenses? That would surely keep us to a budget also.

[ArtsyMomma]

Originally Posted by Ola_

It's a lot easier (and less disruptive to your family) to build a garage (or a barn for that matter!) than all the work you listed in house #1.

Good luck with making the decision, but if you don't love the house then I really would keep waiting. I felt like we looked at a million houses too so I hear what you're saying. I'll bet it's even harder when you've got kids and all that driving around is even less convenient!

LOL - I just had a vision of an Amish Barn Raising Party. We would do the work (minus an addition) on the first house before we moved in...but it is so much work. I'm 31 weeks pregnant too, the idea of doing a lot of work with a newborn is overwhelming. But doing nesty-type things like decorating...they sound fun.

I try to look at houses when the kids are at school - but we have logged quite a few miles in the van searching for houses.

[ArtsyMomma]

Originally Posted by Smithie

Very interesting situation, thanks for posting! You gave my brain something to work on

In your shoes, I'd bypass plan #1 AND plan #3 and go to plan #3 - child support. Take a look at your state's calculator, see what he'd owe you given your respective incomes and assets if you broke up and you were the custodial parent of the kid you had together, and ask him to write you a check for that amount every month. Continue to live as you have before WRT sleepovers, splitting groceries and car bills and entertainment etc., but use the extra money in your budget to save for a down payment on a house. Or half a down payment on a house, if you decide to commingle and move in together at some point.

I have no problem with your lifestyle, but the reality is that you are not married, don't live together and don't have commingled finances with this guy. I'm sure that you love him and he loves you, but he's not your family. He's a guy you are seeing romantically. Your family is the kids you have and the kid on the way, and in THEIR best interest, you need to retain your independence and not live rent-free in a house owned by a man who is only going to have an enforceable economic obligation to ONE of you (the baby). That's a crazy amount of potential instability to add into their lives.

Please don't take this as an attack on your relationship. It sounds like you are a lot more likely to make it long-term than most 22-year-olds getting married right out of college! But even though the baby is coming, it's pretty clear that the two of you are not ready to commit yourselves to each other as a family. So in that case, you need to get what your child is fairly owed and can always rely on - not what your boyfriend is giving all of you as a gift and could take away at any moment, with no warning.

I think you'd be surprised by how receptive your DP was to this line of thinking. He sounds like he in no way wants to avoid his responsibilities to his new child, but is still very damaged and incredibly wary because he perceives that his first wife exploited him. If you proceed with this plan, you'll be living in a house that HE is earning equity on, while simultaneously paying all the additional household costs of his child. Do you see how this might be economically beneficial long-term for him, but very much NOT good for your family, for the support money to go into his mortgage instead of your pocket?

His CS contribution would be roughly $300 a month. To save 10K for the down payment on a home....that would take about 2.5 years. Not to mention, my credit is shot. In the 400's at this point. I need a good 5 years to clear that up. I don't have childcare for the new babe (my mom watches my toddler while I work and my older two are in school, she doesn't want to watch a baby). I'm going to be losing about $800 a month in income when I have to start my maternity leave (begin of Feb). So, even with his $300 a month contribution, I'm $500 in the hole. Childcare for a newborn - around $200 or so a week, for in home care. The childcare center on campus (DP's work) runs $500 a week for a child up to 18m. Neither are really affordable options, even if DP had to pay for half of the childcare in addition to the CS payment.

I'm paying rent now, doesn't that $$ just go to build equity/profit for my landlord? In any secenario, where I continue to live in my current apartment, that CS will be spent - either on childcare costs or on rent. There won't be a real option to save it.

[Smithie]

Hmmm. What's the childcare plan if you proceed with the DP-buys-a-house scenario?

And you are absolutely right, your $$$ are currently building your landlord's equity. I'm surprised to hear that the CS payment in your state would be so low - that's really too bad.

Any way you could put a portion of your current rent towards the monthly mortgage on the new house, get your name on the deed, let your DP front the down payment, and be living with the kids in a house that you BOTH own? That might correct the power imbalance in the situation a little bit. You could even pay him back half of the down payment over time if that's what it took for him to be comfortable.

I'm just getting a hinky feeling off of all of this. I don't want your family to be suddenly homeless if your DP freaks and decides that he doesn't want family responsibilities. With 4 kids and bad credit, I just feel like you are really vulnerable to another person's whims right now, an emotionally scarred person at that, and it would be great if you could find a path that would increase your overall security every month that you were out there working and paying the bills.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Smithie

Any way you could put a portion of your current rent towards the monthly mortgage on the new house, get your name on the deed, let your DP front the down payment, and be living with the kids in a house that you BOTH own? That might correct the power imbalance in the situation a little bit. You could even pay him back half of the down payment over time if that's what it took for him to be comfortable.

I agree with Smithie here. Somehow you need to arrange it so you are part-owner of this house. I mean absolutely no offense here, but choosing to live apart shows he isn't 100% committed. If he's not 100% committed then there's a chance he could just get up and leave. Maybe that chance is very small, & I truly hope that doesn't happen, but you really need to protect yourself & your kids just in case. Maybe he could give you your half of the money for the down payment as a gift.