People's reaction to my kid makes me uncomfortable

[Chamomile Girl]

Mods, please move this if you think it should go somewhere else.

OK, I have been mulling over this issue for weeks now and I'm struggling with how to word it now.

Whenever I am out with my kid people stop me to comment on how cute he is. If it were just this I would be thrilled, because honestly as his mom I think he's pretty cute too. But I get lots of comments on how "porcelain" his skin is, how blue his eyes are and how lucky I am to have such a blonde child. Taken all together it makes me feel kind of ugggg.

I think that there are two things going on with me here.

The first is that I've noticed in the US there is a "prized baby" cultural stereotype. This is the standard cute baby picture that you see all over the media; in advertisements, on television in pictures..even in toys. This baby is white, blonde, blue eyes...not too chubby...you get the picture. Its only in recent years that I have started to notice more multicultural baby depictions, but these are still rare. So I think people look at my baby and see him as somehow a fulfillment of this white cultural standard. And they see this as a good thing, which leaves me feeling icky.

The second is that my husband and I caught a lot of flack when we first started dating because we looked somewhat alike. We were constantly being asked, jokingly "of course", if we were trying to "rebuild the aryan nation." This because we are both blonde/blue eyed. Why do people think this sort of thing is even funny?? Especially people who should know better, like history graduate students . I really hoped for a red-haired baby because of this (plus I just like red hair).

So now I am super sensitive about the way our child looks. Honestly, I almost don't want to take him out anymore, because I get comments every.single.time. I know that I should probably just smile and say thanks, but by doing so I can't get over the feeling that I am validating an unhealthy cultural...hell racial...beauty stereotype.

[echospiritwarrior]

gosh mama I'm so sorry (((hug)))

I'd probably open my big fat mouth and give the poor innocent commenter a piece of my mind. maybe they'll think before they talk next time.

[ElliesMomma]

So now I am super sensitive about the way our child looks. Honestly, I almost don't want to take him out anymore, because I get comments every.single.time. I know that I should probably just smile and say thanks, but by doing so I can't get over the feeling that I am validating an unhealthy cultural...hell racial...beauty stereotype.

....

know what, your baby has a right to look the way he does. there is nothing wrong with being blonde, blue eyed and having super white skin.

nothing wrong with it at all!

don't let your "uncomfortableness" take over to the point that you feel you are "validating an unhealthy cultural beauty sterotype by showing off your baby."

who would comment that you are "rebuliding the aryan nation" anyway?? that is an ODD comment. if i heard something like that, i'd look them right in the eye, and say, "say, what??"

in my opinion, it is just as "racist" (or focused on race) to worry about having a blonde, blue eyed white skinned child, as it is to worry about one for being dark, or whatever.

a child is a child is a child. they are ALL precious!

[physmom]

I think people are just saying a lot of that to be nice (about your son... not talking about the choosing the mate part). DD soooo does not look like that and gets comments all the time about how adorable she is. She's got dark brown curly hair, big dar brown eyes, light brown skin and looks mixed with something (but most people don't know what ). We're constantly getting comments about her curls or her eyes or her skin for that matter (ironically it goes both way... some say how pretty it is because it's darker than "normal" and others comment on how "light" it is).

I seriously think people just say whatever pops into their head half the time and don't really think of the ramifications of it ( ok, maybe that's not a good thing but I don't think they necessarily mean those comments in a racist manner).

It also could be just a very distinguishing feature for your son. Some people's skin color (on all ends of the spectrum) tends to stand out more for whatever reason. Just like you'd notice certain people's hair more than others, etc.

I'm not trying to put down your feelings here at all. but it sounds like your past experience my affect how you're viewing the comments on your son. Of course, if it's the same people saying those things... well, that's a different matter!

[mae14]

My daughter is blue/blonde as well (my hubby and I aren't brown/brown, brown/green). People joked that she is prime kidnapping material . I understand what you're saying. People need to stop making comments and associations that are inappropriate.

[Chamomile Girl]

I'm ok with people telling me simply "your baby is beautiful." IMO all babies are (and precious too!). Its just that...I dunno, I have heard many times that I am "So Lucky" for having a blue-eyed, blonde baby. Lucky? MAybe I should say "Well, yeah it did take me four years to get pregnant LOL, but I don't think thats what you meant".

Yeah, I have issues with my race. I have major issues with my blondness (I've dyed my hair red for years because of this). Maybe my real question whould be how I can make sure my issues don't impact my kid negatively?

Sigh.

[mntnmom]

I would be a little bothered by the comments too. It always annoys me a little when complete strangers comment on how pretty DD is. True, they can't SEE how smart, funny, etc. she is, but she's so much more than pretty.
She has curly dark hair, and very dark eyes that everyone commented on. Very pale people would comment on what a nice dark skintone she has "she won't burn so bad, lucky girl". Darker people would comment on how light she was to have such dark eyes, etc. It's not necessarily a racist thing, maybe he's just beautiful, and people like to tell you why!
It's okay to be white. You didn't choose your race anymore than anyone else did. You can't control other people's perceptions, or change the gruesome history that built them. Focus on what you can control: raising a caring, sensitive, accepting, handsome blond young man.

[Pavlovs]

It sounds like your baby has some striking features!

Many years ago I went to China for a month with some student peers - one was blond haired and blue eyed. She was stopped everywhere - people asked to take her picture, some almost got into traffic accidents because they were staring at her and not concentrating on driving. My point is that I don't think it's some weird American cultural thing - it's a human thing, and humans naturally are attracted to attractive people. Your baby is especially beautiful - enjoy it!

And fwiw, I've always coveted non-brown eyes, and am thrilled to pieces that my baby has blue eyes (so far, he's only 6 months). It has nothing to do with American culture - I've just always found blue eyes beautiful.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by Pavlovs

Many years ago I went to China for a month with some student peers - one was blond haired and blue eyed. She was stopped everywhere - people asked to take her picture, some almost got into traffic accidents because they were staring at her and not concentrating on driving.

Heh, when I went to China, it was the AA guy with dreadlocks that caused traffic to stop (They all thought one dread was a single, impossibly thick, strand of hair )

Anyway, I agree with the others. You can be proud of being blonde and blue-eyed and having a gorgeous child with those characteristics. People are pointing out those characteristics not because they only talk about blond, blue-eyed, porcelain-skinned children, but because those are the features that stand out for HIM. When my DD was a baby, they'd gush over her big brown eyes. She's white too, but she's brown haired and brown eyed, so my point is that people are not saying the blond/blue/white is the only thing they prize, but just the primary characteristics of YOUR stunning child, just as my DD's gorgeous BROWN eyes are HERS.

[Mosaic]

I hear what you're saying about cultural stereotypes, but I doubt that's the primary force at play here. Honestly, what you have is the epitome of recessive genes, and things that are uncommon tend to draw more comments. Redheads get tons of comments. Blue eyes on a brunette get tons of comments. Green eyes on a Hispanic or black get lots of comments. I'm blonde and blue-eyed but get more comments on my ample JLo bootie because, let's face it, most people with my build don't have anything to grab onto back there!

My DD half white and half mestizo, and she has always gotten comments on her skin color, but not the way you would think. She came out LIGHT, especially considering how dark my husband is, and everyone was shocked as all get-out, disappointed even. She has gotten far more compliments as she has gotten older and a little darker, from all racial backgrounds. So I really do think the comments that you're receiving are about your beautiful child, not about your child living up to some stereotypical Gerber baby standard.

[betsyj]

Eh. My son is blond/blue and is the most adorable baby on the planet. That is why people comment on him. A couple people have joked about weird things like being the whitest baby ever. And I know they don't mean anything by it. Is it the coolest thing ever to say? Nope. But, it isn't said from an evil place at all.

You actually are the one validating an unhealthy cultural bias-your own. To me, that is the real issue here. I think it is more worrisome that you would not want to take your son out because of how he looks-enjoy the fact you have a cute baby and don't add an extra burden to him based on your thoughts on culture and beauty. And who cares what other people say anyways.

[betsyj]

double post

[2boyzmama]

Originally Posted by Mosaic

I hear what you're saying about cultural stereotypes, but I doubt that's the primary force at play here. Honestly, what you have is the epitome of recessive genes, and things that are uncommon tend to draw more comments. Redheads get tons of comments. Blue eyes on a brunette get tons of comments. Green eyes on a Hispanic or black get lots of comments. I'm blonde and blue-eyed but get more comments on my ample JLo bootie because, let's face it, most people with my build don't have anything to grab onto back there!

My DD half white and half mestizo, and she has always gotten comments on her skin color, but not the way you would think. She came out LIGHT, especially considering how dark my husband is, and everyone was shocked as all get-out, disappointed even. She has gotten far more compliments as she has gotten older and a little darker, from all racial backgrounds. So I really do think the comments that you're receiving are about your beautiful child, not about your child living up to some stereotypical Gerber baby standard.

I think you're spot-on, whether people realize it or not (it's probably subconscious), blonde/blue is recessive so it's far more common to see other combinations. I am blonde/blue, my husband is brown/green (hazel?), our kids are dark blonde/blue, light brown/blue, and brown/blue. Their hair never gets mentioned (except our 3 month old's, only because it's so long) but their eyes do. They all have BIG blue eyes, are very prominent features for them. My oldest son has a single dimple, and that gets mentioned often, too.

And I had to look up Mestizo, I had never heard it!!

We lived in Japan when our first son was born. I personally love the look of Japanese children, especially little girls. But I fell absolutely in love with the mix of African American and Japanese, what beautiful children that combo of races makes!!! I commented to one of my Japanese coworkers that I thought their babies were beautiful, that I knew my babies would be light skinned and have light eyes, there was no "color" to them. She said "but we know that our babies will always be black hair, brown eyes, there's no possibility for any other combination unless we marry someone non-Japanese." So she was saying that at least I had a chance of having a blue or green eyed baby, and hair could be light or dark.

So I think we all have our preferences in features. And I think that babies are beautiful and whatever feature they have that is prominent or unusual will be mentioned.

Now whoever commented about you making Aryan babies either has a despical sense of humor, or does not know their history enough to know how incredibly off-base that comment is.

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

Originally Posted by echospiritwarrior

gosh mama I'm so sorry (((hug)))

I'd probably open my big fat mouth and give the poor innocent commenter a piece of my mind. maybe they'll think before they talk next time.

I can't tell if you are joking here, you would really scold someone for complimenting your adorable baby? I think that's just wrong.

I have 2 cute boys (yes I'm biased) blond hair, sky blue eyes, pale complexion, I just smile and say "thanks, we think we will keep them" or some other little joke.

[akind1]

In Japan especially, blond hair is prized for it's rarity and likeness to gold; it is not uncommon for Japanese people to want to touch the heads of blond children for luck.

my son often gets comments on his beautiful skin and big blue eyes; I don't think this is a racist thing, it is just a compliment. I think just say thanks and move on -

[kismetbaby]

I think all the replies are very insightful and yes, all babies are beautiful and people just love to say something nice about babies! Even if it sometimes comes out weird.

But I also know what you mean. Sometimes, I actually feel strange (guilty almost) to have created another white, blue-eyed, male, but that's probably my graduate studies in the humanities talking! Too much talk about the privilege of the white male throughout history. I also sometimes wonder if people will assume he's not my child b/c I have black hair and brown eyes, while he has his dad's looks/coloring. I often see gorgeous Asian-American babies in my community and think they are absolutely adorable! (Maybe I'lll even adopt a child of another race someday.) But that said. . .my little guy is my child and I adore him and think he is the most beautiful babe ever and I do love blue-eyes (I mean I am attracted to his dad whom he looks so much like!). And won't it be great to raise white, blond, blue-eyed, boys who don't fit the stereotypes; who don't further the racism and misogyny of history!!!!

My LO is big for his age and people are constantly commenting on that which sometimes makes me feel angry/weird--but I realized its more my stuff at play in those feelings.

I'd say just bask in the praise, love your cutie, but make sure he grows up believing that all colors are beautiful!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl

I'm ok with people telling me simply "your baby is beautiful." IMO all babies are (and precious too!). Its just that...I dunno, I have heard many times that I am "So Lucky" for having a blue-eyed, blonde baby. Lucky? MAybe I should say "Well, yeah it did take me four years to get pregnant LOL, but I don't think thats what you meant".

Yeah, I have issues with my race. I have major issues with my blondness (I've dyed my hair red for years because of this). Maybe my real question whould be how I can make sure my issues don't impact my kid negatively?

Sigh.

I got this a bunch too - my baby boy is beautiful and has been since the moment he was born! People always tell me how lucky I am to have him, and all I can do is smile huge and tell them I know. Really. They probably aren't telling you that you're "lucky for having a beautiful white baby" but telling you that you are lucky for having a beautiful baby.

My advice would be to stop focusing on "race" part of their comments, and instead focus on your baby, and how beautiful he really is! Then sincerely say thanks, and enjoy how him being cute brightened someone's day. I have people repeatedly telling me that my son's smile is the cutest thing they've seen all day, or that him smiling at them made their day (he's super duper social and loves to "talk" to people).

ETA - people are also constantly commenting on how well my son is walking - he's 12.5months right now but he's a pro at walking since he started at 8.5months. It's really funny to see the looks on peoples faces when I tell them he's good at it b/c he's been doing it for 4 months! It's hysterical.

[sunshynbaby]

My biracial babe is always getting complements on his chubby cheeks and cute smile. I think people comment on whatever features are striking.

Btw- We also get joking kidnapping threats all the time. It's kind of disturbing sometimes.

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by kismetbaby

But I also know what you mean. Sometimes, I actually feel strange (guilty almost) to have created another white, blue-eyed, male, but that's probably my graduate studies in the humanities talking! Too much talk about the privilege of the white male throughout history.

Yeah, see this is probably what is going on with me too. I too have a graduate degree in humanities (history) and my history prof husband teaches classes on race and sex. So I tend to analyse all input through that learned lens.

As someone else mentioned before it sort of takes the mystery out of wondering what your baby will look like when you know before they are born. I mean because blondness/blue eyes are recessive there was pretty much no chance of our baby having anything but. hen I was pregnant I read the multicultural board with longing because of all the beautiful variations among the children there.

Thanks all for your reassurance that I am overthinking this. I am thankful that we live in a very diverse area though.

[MusicianDad]

Yeah, that would make me uncomfortable too. Especially if someone commented on how lucky I was to have a blonde child...

I personally would get right to the heart of the matter and ask "What makes brown/red/black/orange with polka dots hair less lucky? Why is it such an amazing thing to have the blonde haired, blue eyed baby that you feel the need to comment on how lucky we are?" (and yeah, I'd toss in the orange with polka dots just to make a point that I don't give a s*** what colouring my kid has).