People's reaction to my kid makes me uncomfortable - Page 5

[LROM]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

What I guess I don't understand is how does anyone know these people aren't gagaing over babies with completely different features and saying the same things?

I mean, when I see a baby and I have a conversation with the mom, I'm always, "Oh, what beautiful brown eyes!" "What fabulously curly hair!" "What shiny hair!" "What deep blue eyes!" "Love the black hair!" and on and on and on. And I likely do absently comment on how lucky the mother is for some attribute or feature of her child because umm..well, I do think it lucky.

I understand what you're saying, and this may not be helpful at all, but all I can say is: You know it when you hear it.

Again, I'm quite sure DD and DH are not the first people ever on the face of the earth to get complimented on their eyes. But it's HOW people compliment them. It really does verge on bizarre (or IS bizarre) sometimes, it's like people flip out and not in the good/sweet way.

It's like the physical attribute the stranger is complimenting is somehow incredibly important and impactful to the world. Like it's the best thing ever, the most valuable thing ever. Like me and DH did something extra special, that we should get credit for, for producing a baby like DD. That's the tone they take, and that's the tone that pushes it over the top, makes it now a bit weirder than just "Oh what a cute/pretty baby!"

Another difference - a lot of times these comments are very serious. I'm guessing the same is true for OP. It's not lighthearted "what a lovely day, and what a beautiful baby you have!" it's like "Whoa! Whoa. You are SO lucky. Wow. That skin/those eyes... what every parent wouldn't give for that. Wow. Hey ______, come see this baby's eyes! Aren't they amazing? I want your baby."

Seriously, it's a different level because I know the other level too. The other level usually makes me walk away feeling proud and lucky and wasn't it nice of that person to stop and be so nice. But the intense over the top reaction makes you feel icky, like you just participated in a value system that doesn't feel right.

Again, that might not be helpful but it's how I'd describe it.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/6/11 at 8:25am

[LROM]

I don't know about OP, but for me it's pretty much something that is not translating well in posts. I agree with you that word-wise, what you said sounds a lot like what I said. But I've heard it both ways - the way you describe it which I think is the nice, friendly, sincerely enthusiastic way, and the other way, which is the creepy serious overly-important way.

I'm at a loss for any other ways to describe the distinction here, but I do strongly believe there is one.

[Toposlonoshlep]

Originally Posted by physmom

I think people are just saying a lot of that to be nice (about your son... not talking about the choosing the mate part). DD soooo does not look like that and gets comments all the time about how adorable she is. She's got dark brown curly hair, big dar brown eyes, light brown skin and looks mixed with something (but most people don't know what ). We're constantly getting comments about her curls or her eyes or her skin for that matter (ironically it goes both way... some say how pretty it is because it's darker than "normal" and others comment on how "light" it is).

I seriously think people just say whatever pops into their head half the time and don't really think of the ramifications of it ( ok, maybe that's not a good thing but I don't think they necessarily mean those comments in a racist manner).

It also could be just a very distinguishing feature for your son. Some people's skin color (on all ends of the spectrum) tends to stand out more for whatever reason. Just like you'd notice certain people's hair more than others, etc.

I'm not trying to put down your feelings here at all. but it sounds like your past experience my affect how you're viewing the comments on your son. Of course, if it's the same people saying those things... well, that's a different matter!

Yes, this is what I was going to say. People are generally fixated on baby's perfect skin, doe-like eyes, and fuzzy hair, regardless of the color of those features. I know, being a proud mama of a multicultural baby with brown skin and dark eyes. People tell me he's perfect all the time, and I tend to agree!

[Sweetiemommy]

Honestly, I think people just go crazy over babies in general. My first child has very light skin, hair and eyes and people used to talk about how beautiful he was. Then I had a child with olive skin and light brown hair, and I got even more comments about how gorgeous he was (he is quite the looker). I think "baby" people just go crazy when they see babies. And I also must mention that my friend who has biracial children, goes crazy when people tell her how beautiful her kids are because she feels like it is a commentary on their "cute biracialness." Maybe they are just darn cute kids!!! I think that commenting on babies is one of the few ways that people have to connect with one another in an increasingly isolated world. We don't have much left, people, let's share the baby-love.

[Sweetiemommy]

Originally Posted by LROM

I don't know about OP, but for me it's pretty much something that is not translating well in posts. I agree with you that word-wise, what you said sounds a lot like what I said. But I've heard it both ways - the way you describe it which I think is the nice, friendly, sincerely enthusiastic way, and the other way, which is the creepy serious overly-important way.

I'm at a loss for any other ways to describe the distinction here, but I do strongly believe there is one.

Excellent point!

[HipGal]

I have had similar experiences, but in a different direction. Many people talk about how cute my daughter is. She is adopted from China and a lot of times it feels like they are going on and on about how cute she is because she is Chinese. (Especially if they compare her to a "China Doll", etc.). It makes me really uncomfortable and I'm not always sure how to respond. I usually say something good about her that isn't based on appearance like "She is amazing. You should see how great she is at climbing!" I have a problem with people focusing so much on appearance with girls - it just seems like they are objectifying them. And often it seems like she is getting extra attention for being Asian. We also get the "you are lucky" after the "she is so cute" comment. It makes it sound like we would have been devestated if she wasn't cute enough. Really weird.

Our son is blonde, blue-eyed and gets some attention, but it isn't nearly the same. He is two years older though. There are a lot of times where the two kids are standing right there together and some stranger says, "Wow, your daughter is so cute!" That's the worst! I'm always like "Yes, they are *both* so cute, aren't they?"

[bcblondie]

I honestly think people are just trying to be nice. People compliment the most obvious feature. I have a redhead (yes I was shocked! Considering Dh and I are blond haired blue (and green) eyed!) And people always say "Wow!! What lovely red hair. I always wanted a redhead. You are so lucky" Because it is rare, just like blonde hair is. So that's what they notice.

[mouso]

My DD was that blonde, blue-eyed white baby too. People all the time would stop me to call her the "Gerber Baby."
I think when babies are cute, people just like to tell you. And try to make the baby smile.

But there was one lady who came up to me to tell me how beautiful DD was. And then congratulated me on her beauty. All I could think of was that if she hadn't been so cute would I have not deserved congrats? Ummm...thanks?

[Chamomile Girl]

So the Baby Gap casting call winners were announced today (I almost entered my kid into this but then took a step back and really thought about it...so didn't)...

And this is the baby that won: http://family.go.com/gapcastingcall/...l24/949716277/

In the interview that was posted his mom says he has "the classic look". She also calls him an "all-American kid".

Hmmmm...

[candelaria80]

My DH is 1/2 Japanese and 1/2 Italian with very olive to dark skin and I am 1/2 Hispanic and 1/2 Irish with olive skin, but our DD came out with a full head of dark hair VERY pale skin and nothing makes his Japanese side of the family more happy.