Thoughts please?

[stitchinmama]

I've been lurking around for awhile...sorry I hadn't posted sooner! I am looking for some advice.

DH and I have a long very rocky past. There have been hundreds of fights, infidelity, raging tempers etc. Basically about 2 years ago he left me to be with another woman. I was a stay at home mom that was forced to go back to work full time to support my 3 children. Fast forward a year, he moved back in because we weren't sure he was going to have a job. We worked things out...or so I thought.

Now, there is no trust between us..I mean none. I've started having severe anxiety. If he's 20 minutes late getting home and doesn't call I freak out and assume he's with "her". I can't seem to get over what he did, can't seem to get past the resentment for him everytime I can't do something with my kids cause I'm at work.

I told him on new years day I was leaving, I'm supposed to move next weekend. Have a security deposit down, moving truck lined up, and the kids are helping me pack their toys. Then boom! all of a sudden last night I have a panic attack thinking OMG am I doing the right thing? I don't know what to do...I feel so lost and confused. I was so sure that I was doing the right thing.

Any thoughts/opinions/advice? Sorry for the long post, I'm just driving myself a little crazy.

[MissLotus]

Reading your post, yes, you are doing the right thing.

It doesn't look like he's given you many reasons to think he's a stable, loving life partner.

[pranamama]

go see a doctor about the panic attacks, then you won't need to second guess yourself....

[ExOfficia]

stitchinmama, I could have written your post in so many ways...

My stbx announced to me at the end of Nov that he is leaving me for another woman. There is also a history infidelity with us- everything from online affairs to a full-blown affair 6 years ago. Right now he is still living with the kids and I because the timing of him leaving keeps getting pushed off, due to his work travel.

Because of his ongoing infidelities, I developed an anxiety disorder and eventually a severe depression two years ago. At the time I did not make the connection between his infidelity and my mood, but over time it became very clear to me that despite his promises to change and reassurances that it was me he wanted, I could never be free of worry. It didn't help that he messed up again and again and again. About a year and a half ago I was at rock bottom. I went to my doctor, who sent me to a psychiatrist, and in a few months time I was doing much better emotionally. I've been stable for about a year now, and feeling generally happy, despite my marriage disintegrating.

By the time came this past November that he admitted he wanted out, in my heart I knew that this was what I wanted as well. I just never was brave enough to be the one to leave. So when he said he was leaving, I felt a HUGE unloading of tension from my body, like it was saying, yes, it is time to get off this crazy carousel of mistrust. I was sad, hurt, and scared like hell, but I at least knew this issue would be finally put to rest for me.

So yes, I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. And yes, you can be doing the right thing yet be totally fearful of it.

Be gentle with yourself, and cut yourself lots of slack. Your emotions will be all over the place and that's okay too.

You will be fine, actually MORE than fine