When there is conflict, does visitation continue?

[Halfasianmomma]

I guess the question applies in a case where there isn't a custody agreement in place yet. Communication between STBX and I is about to break down, due to his not agreeing with the custody proposal I drafted and was to bring to mediation. He is refusing to attend the mediation session we've had scheduled for over a month, because he wants more time to "prepare". I'm assuming that we're headed for a court battle for custody of DD.

There have been many mean emails sent my way, none of them threatening, just below the belt kind of stuff. I haven't responded. I've sent the correspondence to my lawyer and I'm not awaiting her response.

So, now that things are a bit "tense" between STBX and I, do I continue taking DD over to him? He hasn't done anything to threaten DD, but I can definitely see him doing stuff in visitation to hurt or confuse me. Also, I'm definitely NOT looking forward to having contact with him during the "exchange" of DD.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Probably not the answer you want, but I'd say yes. It's not about you and him. It's about your baby. Bring someone along if you want to keep the low-blows in check. But I'd be willing to bet your lawyer will tell you that unless your baby is in danger, you should continue visitation.

Withholding access is going to look really bad if you go down that route. Esp if mediation doesn't work and you have to hash it out and get the judge to decide custody.

[Halfasianmomma]

I think I can handle visitation if someone's there with me. But, what if STBX doesn't call me to set up the visitation? Last month, a whole week went by without him calling or emailing me, because he was ashamed of having begged me to take him back. A week after that, he kept cancelling for various reasons.

I'm all for continuing visitation as it has been going for the past 3 months, but do I need to be his secretary and run after him to remind him of his supposedly god-given rights to fatherhood, or do I let him set things up? FTR, he generally always depends on me to drive DD to his place and pick her up afterwards.

[RollerCoasterMama]

In that case...YUCK. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Maybe make an effort once a month or so...and document those efforts so that you can say you made reasonable attempts if you ever need to prove it?

Hopefully your lawyer has better advice.

[Ceinwen]

Document everything, wherein you offer to make dd available at such and such a time and place, and state that you are waiting for him reply. If he doesn't - you don't need to chase him. If you come across as being accommodating and helpful, sticking to the status quo, etc. - that's good. If you with hold your dd, that could definitely backfire.

[chloema]

Keep in mind that these guys often try to do things to make us appear "crazy". They will push our buttons, so we react in ways to make us look bad to the court. It's all they have going for them. Don't fall for it! Stay strong!

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

Document everything, wherein you offer to make dd available at such and such a time and place, and state that you are waiting for him reply. If he doesn't - you don't need to chase him. If you come across as being accommodating and helpful, sticking to the status quo, etc. - that's good. If you with hold your dd, that could definitely backfire.

Yes, to all of this. Since he is sending you nasty e-mails then I think you can rely on e-mail as your communication method. E-mail is great because it has a time / date stamp. Print everything out. Let him know when he needs to respond to your offer. Be nice and professional, not snarky.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

Document everything, wherein you offer to make dd available at such and such a time and place, and state that you are waiting for him reply. If he doesn't - you don't need to chase him. If you come across as being accommodating and helpful, sticking to the status quo, etc. - that's good. If you with hold your dd, that could definitely backfire.

Darn, I was hoping I wouldn't have to keep contacting him for his visits (if I don't, he generally forgets and then whines about how his visitation has "gone out the window"). Ah well.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

Darn, I was hoping I wouldn't have to keep contacting him for his visits (if I don't, he generally forgets and then whines about how his visitation has "gone out the window"). Ah well.

I know - isn't it awful? It really does look good on you though. You're calm, collected, willing to share, not playing games, etc. That kind of behaviour on your part (IME) will generally push the other party into acting like an idiot or 'blowing it'. Just watch the fine line between being civil and passive-aggressive, kwim?

I really have a gut feeling that this is all going to work out to your benefit.

[sunfish21]

Maybe it isn't the best plan, but after essentially begging my STBX to spend time with his daughter for months before we split up and months afterwards, I am done. He has to contact me, he has to ask, etc. It is not my job to do that and when he doesn't most of the time anyway...it is easier to just wait for him.

I have documented everything and have many emails asking to see her...and then explaining why he can't come (working late, football game, really tired, friend's b-day party). I am hoping that it looks like he has little to no interest, because that is the truth.

[Super~Single~Mama]

So that you don't have to "keep" contacting him contintuously, send him an email. In that email list when you will be able to bring your dd by to see him, for how long, etc. Also tell him that you need at least 24, 48 hours advance notice before the time he wants to see her.

In most email's theres a way to do a "return receipt" option - that will tell you when he reads the email. Keep a copy of the email you send him, and then keep a copy of the return receipt. Then send another email every 2 weeks or so, also using the return receipt option.

This will show the court that you did NOT deny access, and that HE was the one who didn't follow through on visitation. This is REALLY important - custody has been switched for parents refusing access before, so the more you do to make sure he knows he has access on a regular basis, and the more you have showing that HE is the one who's not taking responsibility the better off you are.

DON'T call him, and take a witness when you go drop off your DD and pick her up. That will limit the below the belt comments, or if it doesn't eliminate them, at least you have a witness.

[One_Girl]

I don't think you should contact him or beg him to come see his child. I do think you should e-mail him one time to tell him the times when you will be free to bring your dd over and when he is free to come over to your house to visit and then leave it up to him to follow through, make sure to cc a copy of the e-mail to yourself and your lawyer. Document each time he does come visit or you go bring your child to visit him, but don't make the burden of contacting him fall on you. Having a record of his visits will make it easier for you to get the visitation schedule you want to have because it will show that he initiates very little contact and he is just yanking you around by demanding more visitation than he wants.

[MsChatsAlot]

If he knows your contact information and you are being reasonable meeting any requests he has for time with his little one...THE ONUS IS ON HIM TO SET UP VISITS WITH HIS CHILD.

You can send a letter, if you'd like, stating very clearly how he can contact you, whatever amount of notice you'd require prior to a visit, and stating very clearly that you're willing to work with him to ensure that he can have reasonable access to his child upon request. (I'd run this by the lawyer or even have them draw it up and mail it to him).

From that point on, it's up to him to make arrangements and contact you for visits. It's not your responsibility to set it up for him and enabling this sort of thing won't serve any of you well down the road.