Alternative ways of separating...

[Lizafava]

Hi

This is my first post in this forum, and its a little scary.

Anyway, my partner and I are in counseling right now to negotiate a kind of separation. We've been together for almost eight years and have two kids.

Without getting too much into it, while it no longer makes sense for us to pretend to be romantic partners, we are really great friends and pretty good co-parents. I've thought a lot about buying a two-family (duplex) together and trying to maintain some of the better parts of our family routine. We've talked a lot about how hard it will be and require lots of negotiating of boundaries and space, but I feel like we might be up to the task. We've done lots of growing and maturing together that has brought us closer in many ways and it seems like if anyone could do it...

DP really struggles because he doesn't see this modeled anywhere, and feels like it is probably impossible. But he's also terrified of losing so much time with his kids and how custody across town would look an does want to keep up family routines. I feel like trying to make this work would reflect our values as a family better than shuttling the kids back and forth to two separate households (not to say thats not the best option for many, many families). DP is a good guy and a wonderful father.

I felt pretty convinced that if we could make this work it would be the best option. But then our counselor kindof balked at it, and I got really defensive and now I don't know. Maybe I am living in a dream world? Has anyone done this? How has it worked for you?

Before we had kids, DP and I lived in separate households and had a non-traditional relationship. It worked out okay, especially considering how immature we were, ha.

[La Sombra]

My situation is not like yours (although I wish it was) but here's my advice:
GO FOR IT!

It may prove difficult in ways you didn't expect and you can always change from there, knowing that you gave it an honest try.

But what I truly believe is that no one makes the rules for how we should live our lives and just because what you want in your heart goes against what common sense might say doesn't work to ME is NOT a good enough reason to give it a shot.

Whenever I have a crazy plan (I get them a lot!), I remind myself that there are no rules in life and only *I* can decide how I live my life. Sometimes we don't have that model that we want to have to tell us that it's okay and it can be done. Sometimes we just have to trust our instincts in the matter and take a leap of faith, you know? You and your STBX have a noble, crazy, idealistic view of how a separation might work. And who are we, who is this counselor to take that away from you???

So in short my advice is DON'T let anyone take it away from you. You make the rules. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but don't not give it a try just because someone ELSE doubts it will work. Don't let that doubt creep in! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!

And I wish you the very best of luck in this pursuit!!

[doubledutch]

i have a friend who has been separated from her husband for about 20 years. she says she loves him but can't live with him because he drives her crazy. their kids are in their 30s and have kids of their own now. they (the married/separated couple) live across the street from each other! it allowed them to stay close as a family and raise the kids together but gave each adult his/her space.

my main concern with a duplex (rather than living, say, within a few blocks of each other) is what happens when one of you wants to move on and be with someone else? how do you think the other one would feel? are you going to get a divorce? are you each expecting the other to remain faithful and does that mean celibacy or . . . i know you said you don't want to go into too much detail and i'm not expecting an answer to these questions. just things for you two to think about.

[MsChatsAlot]

I have a friend who lived in the upstairs of a house with the girls while their dad lived in the basement suite. They did that for about 10 years and then they moved into side-by-side row houses and that worked until the girls graduated.

I dated a man who used to live within a block from his children too. We lived across the street from them and it really worked well too.

I had suggested things like this to my ex when we first split, but he wasn't interested. Now, he complains because I live "so far away". Go figure!!!

I trust you'll figure something out that works well for everyone.

[ArtsyMomma]

I think it sounds like a great idea! I think you would have to set up some boundries/rules - but I think it would work out great!

My ex and I get along really well now, but I don't think that situation would have worked for us. Our separation wasn't a mutual desire.

[danaalex]

i have a friend from college whos parents divorced when she was young. her father moved next door, row homes. so, not a duplex, but a townhouse/ row home dealio.

the parents remained excellant friends. they each ended up remarried but all 4 adults would take the kids on family vacations.

so, it can work. especially if you want it to, and are willing to do what it takes to make it work. i suggested this to my husband. he was not really on board with it. but, i thought it was neat the way my friend was raised.

[Lizafava]

Thanks for all the thoughts and stories and encouragement. I guess the therapist was asking me to consider if this was the best idea for my kids and, well, I had always assumed it *was* the best idea. Wouldn't it be best for the boys if his parents (who get along) lived next door? She wanted me to think about if it would be confusing.... I don't know, we have really untraditional ideas about almost everything and children seem to thrive and adapt whenever the underlying values are kindness, love and consistency.... if we are intentional and have integrity, it just does seem like the best idea.

Originally Posted by doubledutch

my main concern with a duplex (rather than living, say, within a few blocks of each other) is what happens when one of you wants to move on and be with someone else? how do you think the other one would feel? are you going to get a divorce? are you each expecting the other to remain faithful and does that mean celibacy or . . . i know you said you don't want to go into too much detail and i'm not expecting an answer to these questions. just things for you two to think about.

Yeah, thats the main concern. We are not married, and are practically celibate now. We had an openish relationship until we had kids, so I am wondering if we are able to just deal with the inevitable jealousy. Definitely stuff to consider. When my mother was single, it seems like her boyfriends were just not around until they were really serious, but anyway, lots of boundaries and expectations and other things to discuss, discuss discuss.

Another practical concern for all is that I am a birth-worker and get called out in the middle of the night at least once or twice a month. Not having to pack everyone out or get someone to come would be so much easier.

[anon_abroad]

I am in a similar situation. (I hope) stbx and I are actually BUILDING a duplex in order to be able to separate and still be close to the children, it should be ready by end of 2010. Our choice is very much influenced by financial issues due to where we live (rural), and financial/work situation.
I think this kind of arrangement depends on the situation: basically we have no other choice if we want to stay in the area (no 'ready-to-live-in' duplex/homes on the market in the area), and most of all I personally have no financial possibility of renting/owning a home of my own, so I have had to compromise and negotiate to arrive at this kind of solution. There was no other solution for a 'civil' separation but HONESTLY, if I had money of my own I would have gone and rented a place for me and the children A LONG TIME AGO. Not having money of my own is the KEY issue to all of this, it's made me a prisoner.
I tell people about our plans of the duplex and obviously they say it'll soon become a big problem. I would like to have a no cohabitation clause if husband has future relationships, but in REAL LIFE these things happen. We have agreed that when one of us feels we want to LIVE with someone then that person will move to another place and sell their part of the house to the other partner remaing there, BUT I can just see him getting together with a younger girl and she'll end up preggo.....and it'll become a mess.
Basically I'm ranting here, but to sum things up I think it is possible with the correct legal precautions.
If you have the financial possibility of even living across the road, it's still better than a duplex! Living close could be OK, but boundaries must be respected. Its basically a matter of trust, even after the marriage is over - is this your case?

[Lizafava]

No, fortunately thats not my situation. DP and I are both financially fine. In fact, the recent reality that I am financially independent has made this decision a lot easier to make, and to make with lots of deliberation. I know I am so, so lucky. Nevertheless, the economics of two house do seem a little excessive if we had an alternative. We had thought about him buying a house across the alley from us. But then it was sold. There are tons and tons of large, beautiful two-family houses in my neighborhood, for what its worth. I suppose they are a lot like row-houses.

And anyway, we might be moving to a city with a much, much higher cost of living where an equivalent building in an equivalent neighborhood would probably be about twice as much. So who knows what the hell we're going to do.

[danaalex]

i think, if you can find common ground and make it work, it would totally be worth it.

my husband and i are separated. he moved out late last night. he has never really been interested in or involved with our children. however, if he were both interested and involved i would TOTALLY live next door to him. if it was a matter of being better friends that husband and wife, i would do it.

jealousy could be an issue, but maybe that would depend on WHY you guys are separated in the first place? i don't really know since i haven't had to deal with it yet.

[NolaRiordan]

I think it's really rare to be able to do this, but I have seen it done. We have a family in our neighborhood, mom and dad live about a block away from each other. They're very flexible with which house the kids are at. They spend many major holidays together and have occassional family dinners. I've seen her sit on his porch and chat for a while in the summer while the kids play. I really really admire that and sure wish my X and I could get to something like that at some point but it certainly seems unlikely for us.