Meeting Family Expectations

[BubbisMama]

DS is 20 months old. Since his birth, DH and I have struggled with meeting our extended family's expectations, specifically, our parents. Inlaws want to see DS every weekend. These visits last from 3-4 hours at a time. DS is their first/only grandchild. My parents don't have quite as high expectations mainly because my sister has 4 kids whom they see several times a week. I know they would be happy to see DS every week as well though.

During the week, DH gets home late, I am gone a few times with my own activities, and DH plays in a sports league and goes to the gym. The weekend is our only real, un-rushed time together.

I am able to talk to my parents rather freely about this and they are very understanding that the weekend is our only real family time together. Inlaws however, don't/won't talk about anything, and pretend that conflicts just never happen rather than resolving them.

Does anyone have any advice on how to meet everyone's needs? This seems rather unrealistic as it feels like inlaws are never satisfied with how much time they spend with DS. They don't really have any hobbies/activities of their own and rarely go out. It seems/feels like they expect us to entertain them on the weekends. They also live about an hour away. We have had them watch DS fairly often, mostly at our home but also theirs, thinking/hoping it would help, but it hasn't seemed to change much.

I'm so grateful that DS has all four of his grandparents in his life and that he is so loved. I hope this doesn't read as me being annoyed with them wanting to spend time with him. My grandparents were either dead or 1000 miles away when I was a child so I am very grateful DS has his close by.

[BlueWolf]

No really advice here. It's something we struggle with as well. DH travels so he's only home on the weekend. Extended families puts out huge demands to see us and spend time with us. I get that they enjoy our company, but the weekends are our only times together. They're very precious. On average, I only see DH 8 days out of a month.

Things have gotten more realistic over time for us. When we were first married and/or dating, their expectations were beyond unrealistic. Not only did ILs want to see us, but their parents as well, and ILs sisters (aunts) too. Nevermind MY family. Seemed like we were continually catering to HIS families needs. We made it be known that our individual family unit took priority over everything else. We would spend time next with our parents, then our siblings, and of course great grandparents. Everyone else is not on the radar. That didn't make many people happy, but that's just the way it needs to be. Tough luck!

Anyways, we cycle through the people we need to see. We reserve one to two weekends a month for ourselves, and then we alternate between all the important people with lunch or dinner dates.

It might not meet these high expectations, but it's what we're willing to give, so they have to be happy with what they get. And honestly, we're very generous with our time.

[philomom]

Every week? When your dh is not getting enough daddy time anyways? Forget that! Have them come once a month only.

[LAWoman]

We struggle with balance on this issue too. My parents moved near us just to see our son more and they are tremendously helpful in a million ways but it takes a little work to get the balance just right. they only live 10 minutes away though so it is a bit more effortless to have shorter more casual get togethers.

Could you maybe alternate weeks and see them every other weekend and on the off week drop him off at their place for dinner once during the week or something and you could go out and get some errands done? Or maybe even have him spend the night once a month or something? Like you drop him of for dinner on a Friday and pick him up on Saturday early in the day so you still have the weekend together?

We also include them on outings so it's more fun than just sitting around the house visiting. Maybe they could join you at the park or you could do a family outing to the children's museum or something. Being proactive and suggesting ways for them to see him and be part of his life in ways that work with your schedule seems like the easiest solution.

ETA: I misread and thought it said 1/2 an hour away. 1 hour makes the during the week thing a little more complicated. Would they meet you half way for a restaurant dinner once a week on a weeknight maybe? I don't know. It's hard to make everyone happy.

[woodchick]

I wonder if having visits planned in advance would ease things. Like if your ILs knew that they'd see your family on the 2nd and 4th Sunday of the month they'd be able to look ahead to it and feel secure that it was happening. Maybe they feel anxious when they're not sure when they'll see their granson next.

Is there any chance of them stopping by for a mid week visit once and a while. I don't know if you WOH or not...

[BubbisMama]

I agree that DS isn't getting enough time with DH. [I]I'm[I] not getting enough time with DH, lol! And it's so important to us to create memories with DS, and while it's important for him to cultivate these memories with his gps, I think our family should come first.

I suggested to DH seeing them every other week. DH is very much a people pleaser and his response to that was- they won't be happy with that, wouldn't you want to see (DS) every weekend? Well, that's what I need. It would be much easier on me if I knew the 2nd and 4th Saturday were for them. Every other weekend is enough. Or I guess it's going to have to be. DH feels we should see them every weekend. He had previously agreed with me that every weekend was too much. I don't know what's changed other than his tendencies to try and make everyone happy. My response to that was, we have to be fair so if we're going to see your parents every weekend, we need to see mine too...there goes our whole weekend!

IDK what the answer/resolution is. Inlaws don't agree with AP at all- in fact there was a big blow up this summer resulting in DH asking me to call them and explain why we are raising DS the way we are?!?

Meeting for dinner is a nice idea but just not feasible with our schedules. DH gets home too late and inlaws start work super early. An overnight won't work either as DS is not night weaned, still wakes up frequently during the night, and has never slept alone. Inlaws would put him the crib at their house and let him CIO all night.

BlueWolf- the weird thing with inlaws is they had nothing to do with us until I got pregnant. We would only see them for birthdays and holidays. Then I get pregnant, DS arrives, and we are the center of their world. I've had a hard time with that. Your family seems to have always been (too) involved.

Thanks for listening. It's good to know we're not alone in this struggle.

[Bokonon]

They're your DH's parents; therefore, he should be the one to discuss it with them.

[curiouscanadian]

I can kind of commiserate as my dad was like this for awhile after my parents separated, although this was long before DS came along.

Maybe it's petty & passive-aggressive, but I would suggest making plans occasionally that keep the three of you busy all weekend. That way you have a vaild excuse not to get together with them. If they try to invite themselves along, be purposefully vague or unsure of your exact plans (your DH would have to be on board with the idea or he might "helpfully" try to include them). I know this isn't ideal, and wouldn't work all the time (because if you're anything like me you need the weekends to get stuff done around home) but it might get you a bit of a break sometimes.

I second the suggestion that your DH should be the one to talk to your ILs about any of this, if a conversation needs to be had, and think that every-other weekend is reasonable (alternating between your family and your ILs).

[BlueWolf]

Originally Posted by BubbisMama

BlueWolf- the weird thing with inlaws is they had nothing to do with us until I got pregnant. We would only see them for birthdays and holidays. Then I get pregnant, DS arrives, and we are the center of their world. I've had a hard time with that. Your family seems to have always been (too) involved.
.

They have been, generally, too involved. Except when I was pregnant. MIL kind of shunned us the entire time, focusing solely on her soon to be married daughter. She even told us that she wouldn't have time to even think about our pregnancy until after her daughters wedding. Wedding was in mid June, my due date was mid July (DD born on 7/9). That created a lot of resentment on my part. Anyways, DD was born and all of a sudden she wants to be SUPER involved. I kind of felt like, "Lady, you wanted nothing to do with my pregnancy, but now that the baby is here you want to be all on board? I don't think so! You can't just be involved whenever it suits YOU. Where was your support and involvement when I needed it during my pregnancy?".

I don't like my MIL much, though. She's incredibly critical and I always feel like she's talking down to me. She's always got an opinion on what we're doing with our daughter and is constantly questioning us. Makes me really grind my teeth. And she, naturally, wants to babysit my DD but I honestly don't trust her to do things we don't approve of behind our backs.

Sorry for the side rant! LOL

[JL83]

I think that family is very important.

We eat supper with my parents and DH's parents once a week. It's just part of the routine. We started this when we got married and so it's been a good 5 years now of having supper with each of our parents weekly.

Now that we have kids it's been amazing to watch their relationship grow.

I wouldn't trade that for anything.

[Honey693]

Could you start doing something during the week with them? Like weekly lunch/dinners on Thursday and you could alternate between your house and theirs? That way you would have most of your weekends free.

[olien]

Really no advice here, but I do understand. My inlaws live 10min away & come over EVERY Sat night after church . Thank goodness they go to Fl from Jan to Mar to give us a break.

I dont mind seeing them every week. My prob is that its Sat night every week and they expect us to cook a full dinner with dessert for them every time. #1 this gets expensive & #2 I end up with what becomes a 2 day clean up bec they dont leave until 11pm.

Anyway, I dont know how old your inlaws are, but mine are up there 79 & 74. I just keep reminding myself that they wont be here forever & that its great for them to have a relationship with our DS while they are. He is only 17mo & may not even remember them when he is older, so I often take pics even tho we are just hanging out. Maybe you can try to look at it from an older persons perspective. I know my FIL is always commenting on enjoying DS & not knowing how much longer he will have to do that.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by BubbisMama

I agree that DS isn't getting enough time with DH. [I]I'm[I] not getting enough time with DH, lol! And it's so important to us to create memories with DS, and while it's important for him to cultivate these memories with his gps, I think our family should come first.

I suggested to DH seeing them every other week. DH is very much a people pleaser and his response to that was- they won't be happy with that, wouldn't you want to see (DS) every weekend? Well, that's what I need. It would be much easier on me if I knew the 2nd and 4th Saturday were for them. Every other weekend is enough. Or I guess it's going to have to be. DH feels we should see them every weekend. He had previously agreed with me that every weekend was too much. I don't know what's changed other than his tendencies to try and make everyone happy. My response to that was, we have to be fair so if we're going to see your parents every weekend, we need to see mine too...there goes our whole weekend!

IDK what the answer/resolution is. Inlaws don't agree with AP at all- in fact there was a big blow up this summer resulting in DH asking me to call them and explain why we are raising DS the way we are?!?

Meeting for dinner is a nice idea but just not feasible with our schedules. DH gets home too late and inlaws start work super early. An overnight won't work either as DS is not night weaned, still wakes up frequently during the night, and has never slept alone. Inlaws would put him the crib at their house and let him CIO all night.

BlueWolf- the weird thing with inlaws is they had nothing to do with us until I got pregnant. We would only see them for birthdays and holidays. Then I get pregnant, DS arrives, and we are the center of their world. I've had a hard time with that. Your family seems to have always been (too) involved.

Thanks for listening. It's good to know we're not alone in this struggle.

I would tell DH that if his parents don't like every other week, then that is too bad for them. If every other week works for you, then that is what you should do. DH needs to decide to whom his loyalty lies; his selfish parents who didn't have much to do with you until you had a baby, or his wife and child.

You were expected to EXPLAIN why you are raising your child the way you want? If my DH had expected me to call HIS parents to defend and justify our parenting, I would have laughed at him. Just who the hell do they think that they are that they should have to approve of what you do?

[sapphire_chan]

y'know if you just get your family out of the house without telling the inlaws maybe they'll be mad enough to not see you for awhile?

[Kuba'sMama]

I'm in the same situation. I think it all depends on your family and the relationships within it. My dh has a rather strained relationship with his parents and cannot take them on a weekly basis (neither can I for that matter). My MIL is "demanding" more time with my kids as well. But we are also running around all week, school, extracurriculars, etc.. we want to be together on the weekends, have family outings and not force ourselves to spend several hours at the IL's where we don't really feel that comfortable anyway. So it is a fine balance, but we try to make it every second weekend at least. It sucks to be doing something continually out of guilt.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by Crystal_R

Could you start doing something during the week with them? Like weekly lunch/dinners on Thursday and you could alternate between your house and theirs? That way you would have most of your weekends free.

That's what my cousin does with her in-laws. It seems to work fairly well for them. Also, it might be a little more convenient for just you and your child to spend time with the in-laws, without your DH, sometimes. They might go for that.

[Belia]

OP: Your update in post #6 makes me believe that this is NOT a problem with you and your ILs, but a problem between you and your DH.

If the two of you cannot come to an agreement about the amount of time you are willing to spend with the ILs, then you are SUNK. It won't matter how creative you get with scheduling your time. Because DH will undercut you because he either 1. doesn't agree with your basic premise that seeing them every weekend is too much, or 2. agrees that every weekend is too much, but is not willing to stand up to his parents.

This is a problem between the two of you. You have to get him on board, or else he'll undercut you every step of the way.

[ledzepplon]

Originally Posted by Crystal_R

Could you start doing something during the week with them? Like weekly lunch/dinners on Thursday and you could alternate between your house and theirs? That way you would have most of your weekends free.

This is what I'd suggest, too. You can have your dh approach it with them in a totally positive manner, emphasizing how much their presence is welcomed and appreciated, and that all you're asking for is a little tweaking in the scheduling of that time.

[Tjej]

I had a hard time finding a good balance for my "insatiable in-laws" when my firstborn was a baby. I wanted to honor them and how exciting it all was for them, but it really seemed no matter how much we visited them or invited them over or I left the baby with them to do errands it still wasn't enough. It was frustrating. We'd come visit on Saturday and as soon as we were in the door we'd hear "oh, my grandbaby! I haven't seen you for SIX WHOLE DAYS! Etc. etc..." Meanwhile, my family lives far away and hadn't seen the baby for six weeks (or months), so comments like that stung/rubbed me the wrong way even more.

So, what did we do? Well, when DC#1 was 1 1/2 yo we started having her spend the day at their house while my DH was at work - he'd do the drop off and pick up, and he'd have supper with them. That seemed to satisfy MIL more - she had a long stint of time she could do all her doting and it was scheduled. And with DC#2 I just honestly did not try to satisfy them at all. I tried to have them see DC#2 once a month or so, but didn't let myself feel guilty for not being up to visiting multiple times a week.

It works out. Work with your DH on the angle of "what you need" - not putting down his parents needs or wants, but what is important for your family and for your relationship with your DH as the family that you are.

Tjej

[pjs]

Originally Posted by Belia

OP: Your update in post #6 makes me believe that this is NOT a problem with you and your ILs, but a problem between you and your DH.

If the two of you cannot come to an agreement about the amount of time you are willing to spend with the ILs, then you are SUNK. It won't matter how creative you get with scheduling your time. Because DH will undercut you because he either 1. doesn't agree with your basic premise that seeing them every weekend is too much, or 2. agrees that every weekend is too much, but is not willing to stand up to his parents.

This is a problem between the two of you. You have to get him on board, or else he'll undercut you every step of the way.

ITA. It sounds like an overall rebalancing of family priorities are in order. If you feel you need to see DH more are you willing to give up your activity? Is dh willing to give up his sports league so seeing his parents weekly is more manageable for everyone? I think you all need to sit down, prioritze and come up with a plan. Time is finite and you can't do it all.