Is my sensitive four year old a magnet for meaness from other kids?

[mommyshoppinghabit]

Ds goes to preschool 5 days a week for a full day. He is around this one kid (I'll call him Z) that he considers his "best friend" for the entire time. He tells me he wants to be Z's twin, wants to dress like him, have the same toys as him, go over his house, have Z come to our house, etc,etc. Normal for a kid his age right? As I was laying next to ds last night, we started talking about Z and ds says to me that Z plays with this other kid J, and Z told him "J is my friend, your not." Maybe to other kids, this would just hurt them for a moment and they would forget about it, but ds is really easily hurt and takes things to heart and I think Z takes advantage of that. I've seen w/my own eyes on several occasions Z hurting ds's feelings because he like to get a reaction out of ds. And ds kind of follows Z around like a puppy dog. And now the other kids in the class seem to be latching on to the fact that they can easily hurt ds, like this week, I've been taking ds to school late and I miss the open play time, and every day one or two kids run up to us and has to remind us that we missed play time, not as a matter of fact but sort of needling it in to ds. I'm trying to teach ds about how other people's words don't mean anything, to pay attention to his emotions and release them. In school, they teach talking it out, saying to the other kid that they hurt their feelings, and hopefully getting a "sorry" out of them. While I don't discourage that, I don't think that looking for someone else to express regret about what they did to you is actually that helpful. I mean, what if that person never expresses regret. This is something you don't usually have control over, but you do have control over your own feelings, and you can become aware of them, accept them, and release them. OK, so in the few months, I've been slowly teaching this lesson to ds, but god, it's an uphill battle, especially with the kids at school, especially Z, throwing out a zinger to him every day, and DS has a good memory and recounts them to me. The thought has crept into my mind that perhaps ds is the only one in the class that has been raised thus far in a very attached way and so he feels the need when he is not with his family, to glom on to someone else, in this case, Z, and the typical reaction of a kid who has been raised in a not-so attached way is to take advantage of that. I keep fearing that this will be a pattern that is repeated every school year, if not with Z, then with some other kid. Then, there is part of me, probably the more centered part, that tells me, it's me, I should just work on myself and let this go, I don't have control over this, ds will work things our for himself, it's part of growing up. But then that means it's 99% nature, not so much nurture? But it's so hard to see your kid getting hurt.

[3*is*magic]

Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit

Ds goes to preschool 5 days a week for a full day. He is around this one kid (I'll call him Z) that he considers his "best friend" for the entire time. He tells me he wants to be Z's twin, wants to dress like him, have the same toys as him, go over his house, have Z come to our house, etc,etc. Normal for a kid his age right? As I was laying next to ds last night, we started talking about Z and ds says to me that Z plays with this other kid J, and Z told him "J is my friend, your not." Maybe to other kids, this would just hurt them for a moment and they would forget about it, but ds is really easily hurt and takes things to heart and I think Z takes advantage of that. I've seen w/my own eyes on several occasions Z hurting ds's feelings because he like to get a reaction out of ds. And ds kind of follows Z around like a puppy dog. And now the other kids in the class seem to be latching on to the fact that they can easily hurt ds, like this week, I've been taking ds to school late and I miss the open play time, and every day one or two kids run up to us and has to remind us that we missed play time, not as a matter of fact but sort of needling it in to ds. I'm trying to teach ds about how other people's words don't mean anything, to pay attention to his emotions and release them. In school, they teach talking it out, saying to the other kid that they hurt their feelings, and hopefully getting a "sorry" out of them. While I don't discourage that, I don't think that looking for someone else to express regret about what they did to you is actually that helpful. I mean, what if that person never expresses regret. This is something you don't usually have control over, but you do have control over your own feelings, and you can become aware of them, accept them, and release them. OK, so in the few months, I've been slowly teaching this lesson to ds, but god, it's an uphill battle, especially with the kids at school, especially Z, throwing out a zinger to him every day, and DS has a good memory and recounts them to me. The thought has crept into my mind that perhaps ds is the only one in the class that has been raised thus far in a very attached way and so he feels the need when he is not with his family, to glom on to someone else, in this case, Z, and the typical reaction of a kid who has been raised in a not-so attached way is to take advantage of that. I keep fearing that this will be a pattern that is repeated every school year, if not with Z, then with some other kid. Then, there is part of me, probably the more centered part, that tells me, it's me, I should just work on myself and let this go, I don't have control over this, ds will work things our for himself, it's part of growing up. But then that means it's 99% nature, not so much nurture? But it's so hard to see your kid getting hurt.

I'm sorry your son is having such a tough time with the other kids.

Two things stuck out -

1st, preschoolers are like little reporters and love to point out the obvious. They also are really big into the RULES. While it's certainly possible that several kids are deliberately trying to upset your son by pointing out that he missed playtime, I think it's unlikely. I think, at this age, they perceive being there for playtime as a rule, part of what's expected, and they are are quick to point out when someone deviates from these "rules". I've had a child in preschool for the past 4 years, and find that while there might be a bad apple in the bunch, the majority are far from malicious, and that they just don't always understand the impact of their words.

2nd, I think you may be on to something at the end of your post - while it's certainly OK for your son to have and talk about hurt feelings, it's not helpful to overvalidate the hurt when the slight was unintentional (and even sometimes when it was intentional). If you can model that sometimes you just have to role with the punches and not take things as personally, it might help your son to do the same. You're right in assuming that "mean" kids often look for an easy target. It'll probably serve your son better and be more productive to help your son be less of a target than it is to stress about how the other kids act and how they were raised. Please know that I mean that in the gentlest possible way .

[mommyshoppinghabit]

Originally Posted by 3*is*magic

It'll probably serve your son better and be more productive to help your son be less of a target

Yes, this hits a chord, but how? Maybe I have been sensitive in the past and he has learned from this? I am much better now, but teaching this to him is soo hard especially now, like you said, when they think the world has to be a certain way.

[K1329]

I think at that age they are all learning how to be friends and how to have friends. There are bound to be some missteps along the way. Dd, in PK4, had a "best friend" that basically ditched her. She was, according to the teacher, "on her own" for awhile and eventually made another "best friend". Now, 2 years later in first grade, she has a group of 4-5 friends, one of whom was the original "best friend". There have also been many instances of hurt feelings in her 3 years in school. But, dd is well-adjusted and doing well socially. I try to take it in stride - it's all part of learning to be/have a friend, IMO.

I did talk to the teacher, not in front of dd, several times when I was concerned. Each time a conversation with the teacher (different ones over the years) eased my fears. You may get a better picture of what's going on by making contact with his teacher.

ETA: if you're concerned specifically about bullying, you may want to read a few articles. there was one linked here and I've also read "Stand up for yourself and your friends" with my dd. From what I've read, you, as a parent, can help your child avoid behaviors that are likely to be bullied - for examply, cring at a hurtful comment, better to pretend like it doesn't bother you, play it cool... there are alot of books/articles for parents and kids out there.

Good luck, it's hard to let them go out into the real world!!

[3*is*magic]

Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit

Yes, this hits a chord, but how? Maybe I have been sensitive in the past and he has learned from this? I am much better now, but teaching this to him is soo hard especially now, like you said, when they think the world has to be a certain way.

I think speaking with the teacher about which kids in the class are self-assured but also compassionate and empathetic might be a good start. Perhaps if your son had a playdate or two outside of school with one of those kids, it could spark a positive relationship and hopefully diffuse the intensity of the relationship with Z? And in terms of the other kids (at drop-off), I think that's a great time to model a reaction that you'd like your son to mimic. Maybe something like this:

Random kid: Why is Timmy late AGAIN? Timmy, you missed all of free play!

You: (upbeat) Timmy and I were having some extra special time together this morning. Was free play fun? What's your favorite toy to play with?

Random Kid: I like the blocks!

You: Cool! Timmy likes the blocks, too. Maybe you guys could build towers together later on!

I think sensitive kids are particularly adept at picking up on their parent's feelings about others. If you engage random kid in a positive, upbeat way, your son might follow suit. At the very least he'll see that you are unaffected by the fact that random kid pointed out his lateness and he'll hopefully see it for what it's worth - no big deal at all.

At the end of the day, your sensitive kid will grow into a sensitive, caring adult. That's a GOOD thing .

[Tjej]

I've been learning about what it means to be "introverted" - am reading Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child - and am finding the information helpful.

As far as AP making someone a bully magnet or not - I have found that is not true in the least. My DS has been raised more "AP" than my DD, and he is less apt to be picked on. I see it as a function of personality. Being reserved and sensitive leaves a person open to more wounds than a busy and "roll with the punches" attitude.

Tjej

[mommyshoppinghabit]

I don't think he's absolutely an introvert (but I am). He's a mix of DH and my personalities and DH is very much an extrovert. Socially, ds used to take a while to warm up to new situations, but I find that that is getting shorter and shorter. But in the specific situation with ds and his friend Z, he just likes to follow, follow, follow him, whereas w/other kids, not so much. So it's especially hurtful to him when this friend says something insensitive.

[plantmama]

I have 3 kids and I do think 99% of their personality is nature. Sure I think all children would be happier, kinder and healthier if everyone attachment parented (that's why I do it) but ultimately they are who they are Ok, so maybe 95% nature but that 5% is worth it.

At that age, kids are also discovering what hurts people's feelings and some push that experiment while others don't. They also do a lot of power playing.
My ds was getting quite a bit of mean talk directed at him by the end of preschool. It was horribly upsetting for me! Ds is not outwardly sensitive though. He was still hurt by it and stopped liking preschool.
I talked to his teachers and they really cracked down on it. But that is not always going to work.
Your ds seems willing to talk about it which is great. My ds wouldn't talk about it at all. So like others have suggested, model positive ways to turn a negative interaction around and help your ds come up with ways to confront hurtful talk.
At my ds's preschool, children were not allowed to say things like you are not my friend or you can't play and they would talk about it at group time or draw kids aside for a talk as well. I would be frustrated if teachers didn't deal with that kind of thing themselves at least a little.
Good luck! I'm amazed at what comes out of those tiny little children's mouths sometimes!