How to make other children not feel bad?

[Heavenly]

I don't know how to write this without making it sound like I favour my middle child, because I don't. The issue is that she is good at everything. I mean it, everything. She is incredibly advanced in school and although she's in grade 2 she's doing grade 5 language arts and reading books as high as grade 7 level easily. She writes poetry and songs and they are actually really good. She is currently writing her first children's book. She also is athletic - she's in advanced gymnastics and ballet - she's been doing it for 4 years. She also sings and does musical theatre - she has a beautiful singing voice. She is just really talented. We are currently training her for a provincial spelling bee and I am also training her for a talent contest this summer. I am worried about how all of her accomplishments will affect her brother and her sister, especially her brother. They are wonderful awesome kids, just more average in their abilities. My son also has special needs that make his life more difficult as well. He does Judo but he's been stuck at yellow belt for over a year and a half because he really isn't that athetically inclined. He loves it though so we always encourage it. He has tried a bunch of other activities but always quits because it's too difficult. He also struggles a lot in school. He is only a grade ahead of my daughter and technically she could probably skip to his grade or further. We just keep working with him. The youngest is only 4 and is in gymnastics and ballet but doesn't have a strong talent in either. Again, I want to reiterate that I am not favouring my daughter. I don't walk around in daily life listing her accomplishments, I am just putting them here so you can see what I'm dealing with. We do not want to hold her back or limit our excitement over her accomplishments but at the same time we don't want the other two to feel badly. We always praise the other two and we are proud of everything they accomplish as well. But we can see that it bothers my son that she is accomplished in so much. So how do you make sure not to make the other two feel bad while not limiting the gifted one? Any input is appreciated.

[nomnom]

Maybe you could buy them all cookies and not make a big deal of how different they are at all.

[Porcelain Interior]

That seems like a heavy load of activities for one 2nd grader. You also use the term "training" when referring to a talent contest, and "training" for a spelling bee. That kind of strikes me as it being more something you want for her than her actually wanting it. Maybe it's just the way you wrote it out, I don't know.

I guess I'd scale it all back some and not be so focused on "training" and acheiving and do a little more exploring and other things that are so focused on being "the best" or winning something. I think contests can be a great way to build self esteem and get skills you can use later on in life, but they aren't what childhood is about, and I've seen lots of kids become very arrogant and full of themselves in a bad way because of it or unable to relate to other kids because they've been groomed into competitiveness at all costs. She can be good at things without having to prove and compete in each and every area of interest.

Your other kids probably feel like they don't get the same opportunities and attention because they aren't as good.

I'm a big fan of NOT overscheduling children. I would give the children equal access to 1-2 activities/contests/sports at any given time and find other things to do with your remaining time together as a whole family.

I have a friend with one daughter that is exceptional at everything she tries to do, but she keeps that child participating in an equal number of things as her little sister- who while also very talented doesn't automatically become the best at everything she tries.

I also don't think you can write a child off at 4 as not having any potential or talent in a given area. You seem preoccupied with the concept of winning and being the best, and that will be really hurtful to your "less talented" kids later on down the road when they never measure up to the perfect sibling.

I just get the vibe that you do favor your daughter over your other kids, from what you've written anyway.

[Heavenly]

No, I do not favour my daughter. She WANTS to do those things, she begs to do those things. She is easily able to handle it all. If the other ones wanted to enter things or do more lessons they would be allowed to. Each child is allowed to do 2-3 activities, my son just chooses to do 1 at this point. Actually he is starting a lego animation class that he is excited about. And I am certainly not going to put the youngest in more than 2. I don't see why training is a bad word. We ARE training for the spelling bee - there is a huge book of words she has to memorize so we are training together for it. And we are working on vocal training together - I have been singining my whole life so I am working with her myself. It's not as if she spends hours a day with me drilling her while she cries, "No more Mommy!" Usually I am the one saying, "Okay, enough Liv, I have other things to do to." In a way it's funny that you think I favour her because she thinks I favour her brother due to his special needs (because I have to spend so much time taking him to appts and such). She would very much argue with the idea that she is favoured.

[nextcommercial]

I have a cousin that has a family like yours. Every year we get the family Christmas letter and it will say....

"Veronica just recieved her full ride scholarship to (insert name) University, but we haven't accepted it yet, as we would like her to finish sixth grade, she is playing flute for the city of D***** in the adult symphony, and she made her cousin a beautiful prom dress.". (see picture of prom dress) .

"Matt started high school this year, and has become a very accomplished skateboarder at the playground"

"I lost ten pounds, and husband is giving up coffee".

So. You'd think Matt would resent Veronica. (heck, even I resent Veronica) But, he doesn't. He doesn't want her busy adult life. He is happy as the 15 year old cool skate boarding kid that he is. He's supportive of his little sister and would never wish anything bad on her.

I think the key is, his parent are GENUINELY jazzed that he's a good skateboarder. They take pictures of him, they buy him the good equipment, and it's all good to them. The thing that might be an issue is, they seem to spend a lot of time driving her into the city for rehearsals, and she's always doing something that requires a ride there. So, that means that Matt probably can't get a ride to where he wants to be.

Just be excited when your other two find something they like. Even if it's a small thing. If they draw a picture, and it's good. Frame it. If they write a story and it's good, put it in something special. If they love riding bikes, take joy and interest in the bike. Just be excited and proud. Nobody can be a huge failure if mom and dad thinks they are the greatest things in the world.

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I have a cousin that has a family like yours. Every year we get the family Christmas letter and it will say....



So. You'd think Matt would resent Veronica. (heck, even I resent Veronica) But, he doesn't. He doesn't want her busy adult life. He is happy as the 15 year old cool skate boarding kid that he is. He's supportive of his little sister and would never wish anything bad on her.

I think the key is, his parent are GENUINELY jazzed that he's a good skateboarder. They take pictures of him, they buy him the good equipment, and it's all good to them. The thing that might be an issue is, they seem to spend a lot of time driving her into the city for rehearsals, and she's always doing something that requires a ride there. So, that means that Matt probably can't get a ride to where he wants to be.

Just be excited when your other two find something they like. Even if it's a small thing. If they draw a picture, and it's good. Frame it. If they write a story and it's good, put it in something special. If they love riding bikes, take joy and interest in the bike. Just be excited and proud. Nobody can be a huge failure if mom and dad thinks they are the greatest things in the world.

Thanks, I appreciate the good tips. It is true, if they are doing less in the way of lessons I can invest more into a great skateboard (my son might like that!) or a newer bike or whatever. They do know we are proud of everything they do, and we do give them all the same attention. It is not the attention from US I am worried about so much as the attention she gets from the outside world.

ETA: We both drive so one of us can be driving one to a lesson while the other is driving a kid to something else if need be. Plus we live in the city so most lessons are only 10 minute drive and we don't stay. We aren't just sitting there watching her, we go home and spend the time with the other two.

[Porcelain Interior]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

No, I do not favour my daughter. She WANTS to do those things, she begs to do those things. She is easily able to handle it all. If the other ones wanted to enter things or do more lessons they would be allowed to. Each child is allowed to do 2-3 activities, my son just chooses to do 1 at this point. Actually he is starting a lego animation class that he is excited about. And I am certainly not going to put the youngest in more than 2. I don't see why training is a bad word. We ARE training for the spelling bee - there is a huge book of words she has to memorize so we are training together for it. And we are working on vocal training together - I have been singining my whole life so I am working with her myself. It's not as if she spends hours a day with me drilling her while she cries, "No more Mommy!" Usually I am the one saying, "Okay, enough Liv, I have other things to do to." In a way it's funny that you think I favour her because she thinks I favour her brother due to his special needs (because I have to spend so much time taking him to appts and such). She would very much argue with the idea that she is favoured.

If things are truly her idea and she is driving them, then I think you're doing fine as long as the other siblings are allowed the same. I think really if you're not doting on one more than the other you don't have anything to worry about.

[Anastasiya]

oops!
Deleting because I don't have time to finish my thought process. Will come back later!

[Tigerchild]

Is your youngest doing ballet and gymnastics because it's convenient and because she thinks that's just what you do (since your older DD does it)? A good friend of mine was a competative gymnast, and I noticed that there were a lot of resentful younger sibs after a certain age because they'd always felt that's what they HAD to do, since they were dragged to the gym all the time anyway.

How does your son express what you perceive as him being bothered by his sister's accomplishment? Are you sure that is what he means? Or could be annoyed because he has to fit his schedule inside of hers, or because he has to go along?

I have three kids. Realistically, it's really hard for all three of them to do 2-3 DIFFERENT things. It's a huge time committment, especially if your partner cannot do driving/staying with other siblings, so everyone is forced to tag along to everthing, and you can't have concurrent schedules.

So, honestly, I would quit looking at this from "my kids are jealous of their sister how can I make them feel better" (incidentally, that perpetuates, however unintentionally, your daughter into a role that she and they may not like after awhile--the "superior one" and your other children into those that must be "consoled" about it). If they are truly jealous of their sister's actual talents, frankly, there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing. The fact is that she is good at those things, and if they wan't to be as good, that probably is not realistic. Now, if what they feel is resentful that her activities control the schedule (think carefully before you blow off the possibility that that is occuring), or that they don't feel like they are getting concrete measures of their own successes (like winning a contest, ect), then that's something you can work at, independently, and leave their sister out of it.

As much as you can you do NOT want to set up comparisons like that. "How can I make you feel better about not being as good as your sister" is very understandable and good intentioned, but it still sets up a very bad dynamic, KWIM? I think it's better to ask the other kids what THEY would like to accomplish for themselves, if they feel like they are adequately supported in it, how you can help, if they'd like to try new things, if they'd like more/less downtime, ect. For each child.

I think you need to do your older DD a favor and remove her from the equation when you look at supporting your other children's needs (and remove them from each other too).

Again, I know how hard that is to do with three (and I don't have anyone in a competative or training anything), so you have my sympathy. It's NOT easy to balance.

But I think you'll support your kids better if you look at them each individually and not how they stack up against someone else, even if it's in an empathetic/well-intentioned way. I have to do this constantly because my boys are MZ twins. So I know how hard hard hard that can be. But you have to be very careful to do that, IMO, to support healthy sib situations over the long haul. YOu can't prevent all sibling rivalry, IMO. But you can limit how much you yourself feed into it!

[alicia622]

The thing that struck me as wrong is that your son is stuck at the yellow belt for so long. DH used to teach tae kwon do through the ATA and their children's program is awesome at building self esteem- I don't think you stay at a belt for more than a few months and the way I remember it being structured was that earning a black belt is not so difficult it's the higher degrees of black belt that are more for the truly dedicated people where the art becomes apart of their life.

I would look for a program for him that is more focused on building confidence/self-esteem/respect...than learning the forms.

[Snuzzmom]

Originally Posted by nomnom

Maybe you could buy them all cookies and not make a big deal of how different they are at all.

???

"Siblings Without Rivalry" has some good tips for encouraging children in this situation. Maybe check that out... it's a very quick read.

[noobmom]

OP, you may want to repost or ask the mods to move this thread to the Gifted Child forum. I think you may get some responses there from parents who have similar experiences.

[Hedgehog Mtn]

Do the other kids have talents that manifest themselves in different ways? Does one of the other kids have a way of making other people feel loved appreciated? Sometimes special needs children can connect with the elderly in a way few others can. Instead of an athletic activity could the older child donate time to something like that? There isn't a "level" or accomplishment required but it can build self esteem and give him something special to just him, instead of "DS is an xxx belt" you would be saying "DS has an amazing connection with the elderly and makes them feel very special". Or something similar. If I'm making sense here it would mean encouraging qualities that the child posses and that build self esteem but aren't measured by a score or level.

My brother was special needs and he loved being a helper at a nursing home, it gave him what the other kids found in athletic and made him feel like he had a special gift himself. You could also explore ideas like art, coaching younger kids (I was an assistant swimming instructor when I was 13ish) or anything like that?

[mamadelbosque]

The yellow belt thing wouldn't worry me in the slightest. Many martial arts schools push belts like mad on kids & adults both, and they get to black belt in just 3-4 years. Which is crazyness. I take (and now help to teach) in a very traditional tae kwon do school - our school was founded by a student of one of the original koreans to bring TKD to the USA. We test every 6 months. Everyone does *not* test every 6 months. It took both myself and the other instructor ~15 *YEARS* to get to black belt. The fact that a 5 or 6 or 7 yr old would be at yellow belt for a year and half is totally normal (we have some of those in our class) - their attention span is just not there to really progress much faster than that.

I really don't have much advice other than to make darn sure your supporting your other kids, and maybe not just back off on your daughter, but actually encourage her to *do less*. I know that may seem crazy, but really, encourage her to pick one or at most 2 things to 'do'. And otherwise spend more time as a family playing games or just hanging out with friends or whatever.

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by noobmom

OP, you may want to repost or ask the mods to move this thread to the Gifted Child forum. I think you may get some responses there from parents who have similar experiences.

I have made a personal choice to not participate in the Gifted Child forum.

[MJB]

I have a similar situation.
My 7yo is an awesome, sweet kid who does well in school and on sports teams. My 4yo is extremely advanced academically and physically. My oldest son was SO proud that he learned to ride a 2-wheeler at 4.5... and then my little one learned the next summer at 2.5. My little one learned to read alongside my oldest, who was homeschooling, and quickly surpassed him and is now 1-2 grade levels ahead in reading. We try not to compare the two and when my 7yo gets down on himself for not being able to read the books his little brother enjoys, we remind him that he is reading at a first grade level in first grade which is exactly what he should be doing. He knows that his brother is highly unusual and that most kids can't do xyz at 3 or 4. We point out the things that he is good at-- math, soccer, etc. He's not the best soccer player but he is good. He was an excellent swimmer at 3 and brave enough to go off the high dive. He's extremely thoughtful and kind, and makes friends with everyone he meets.
So far he seems to have good self-esteem and is very proud of his baby brother. We'll do what we can to keep them from comparing themselves to each other as they grow up.

[VisionaryMom]

I was that kid. My sister's never resented me for it. My mom always made herself as involved in my sister's activities as mine, and I think that matters. I do have cousins who are closer in age who had to hear a lot of "Brandi was able to do X" or "Brandi was the best student I've ever had." That attitude from other people was more problematic, so that's what I'd watch for if I were you.

[LynnS6]

I would try to focus on qualities or talents rather than achievements. It sounds like your older daughter is going to be a high achiever. It happens. Life is not fair.

We had somewhat of that dynamic in my family growing up - a couple of us are really academically inclined and excelled as students. I have an older sister who's academically inclined, artistic and musical. My parents never compared us, thankfully. My brother, in particular, had a hard time because he has learning disabilities, sensory issues and isn't very coordinated. He didn't shine at anything.

My brother's talents were hard to see -- as a child he was highly imaginative, but it's not a talent those outside the family will see. As an adult, he's retained that imagination, and he is one of the kindest, most sensitive people I know. He truly accepts people for who they are. They can be awkward or unusual or obnoxious and my brother will find some good in them. It's not a 'talent' that many people recognize. It certainly won't win him fame, fortune or a promotion. But the world probably needs my brother's talent more than they need my academic quickness.

Since it sounds like it's really easy to see what your older daughter is good at, you may have to look harder for your other kids' unique talents. You may have to wait years for them to show themselves. This is where unconditional love and AP really can pay off - if your children know that they are loved for who they are, I think they'll come through.

In the short term, could you keep a 'diary' of sorts where you list the special qualities of the kids for whom their talents are harder to see?

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

I So how do you make sure not to make the other two feel bad while not limiting the gifted one? Any input is appreciated.

I think it is as simple as making sure they feel good (loved and cherished), rather than not making them feel bad.

Celebrate each child for who he or she is. Help them celebrate each other. Have them cheer on ds's efforts (not nec achievements) in martial arts and lego just as he cheers on dd's efforts in gymnastics and singing. Focus on the process rather than the results.

[becoming]

I pretty much agree totally with Porcelain Interior. I would cut out the "training" if you're worried about her siblings noticing the difference in their abilities. It seems, from your post, like you've decided she's the Golden Child and aren't really giving the others a chance to compare. Your littlest is 4; that's awfully young to be saying she's not talented at a sport. Not that it matters. Unless she's going to be an Olympic gymnast, why would it matter as long as she's having fun?

My advice: Cut out the competitiveness. Just let your kids know that you want them to be happy doing whatever they love, and that you will be proud of them no matter what.