Homebirth with sibling(s)

[Violetmama]

Hi mamas -

We are planning our 2nd homebirth and DS is 4 - he has said he would like to be there when his baby brother is born. This is an issue I've been mulling since I found out I was pregnant - before DS and I discussed it - and I'm getting more comfortable with the idea. I think his temperment would be fine with everything, but I was just hoping for any advice/stories about siblings being present.

Thanks!!

[velveeta]

I am definitely planning on having my two kids there. My older child was a few months shy of four when his little bro was born. I had my sister at our house during the birth, and he requested to leave the room when I became my most vocal, minutes before Baby arrived. Then, minutes after he was born, big brother came in and saw him and all that. The two boys are unusually close, and I do think it has a lot to do with birth time bonding. Ours was a wonderful experience! Good luck!

[SilverFish]

hi,

i just thought i'd share my experience from the sibling point of view. i was 3 1/2 when my sister was born at home, and it is actually the first continuous series of memories that i have. it really was an absolutely amazing experience... one that i still treasure today.

she was born on my other sister's birthday, so we had a small party planned. my mom went into labour early in the day i think, but i wasn't really aware of that until later in the evening. around dusk, we went for a walk (my mom, dad, sister, mom's midwife/friend, and couple of good friends who were there to support me and my sister) to the local bakery to get a cake. i remember it took us a LONG time to cross the street cause my mom kept getting contractions during the green lights! when we got home, the electricity went out, so we had cake and presents in candle light... my mom was mostly in the other room labouring quietly at that point i think. my dad was just on the verge of sending us to bed when it was clear that things were very near. i only got to see my mom once or twice during the actual intense cntrx/transition/pushing because i think i was a bit nervous about the intensity, and my mom didn't really want extra people around. anyway, we all got to go in the room after her and my new sister were wrapped up in bed... i don't really remember meeting my sister that clearly, mostly i was relieved to have mom back in "normal" mode, and was fascinated by all the birthing stuff which the midwife kindly explained to me. and i remember the smell! the room smelt like dark, mossy, rainy, forest.

anyway, i loved that day. i think your son will too. if he has good support during the time you are "out" that will be very helpful. some kind of planned distractions might be good too... i think the evening might have seemed a bit too long/stressful if it hadn't been for cake and presents and friends that we really liked to spend time with. if you're open to having them there during the actual birthing process it would a very different experience... i know my mom wasn't into it at all, but you might be different.

[Ahappymel]

My dh and I were divided over this issue while we planned the homebirth of our youngest.
I was feeling quite sentimental about my oldest child (he was 5 yrs old then) being there to witness the birth of his sibling.
My dh did not think it was a good idea. He felt that the day could be long or intense, that anyone present at the birth should really be there to focus/help the mother and if we had our oldest present, he might get bored, scared or need entertainment and an extra person would need to provide it.
Well, at the last minute I decided not to have him there. He spent the day with a trust family member.
I do not regret it. The day was indeed long and intense at times. Dh was with me virtually every minute. We had a midwife, her assistant, my best friend/dould there in addition to me and dh. Everyone played a role. I think I would have been distracted with my son there. I might have been thinking about him/his needs instead of focusing on myself.
He came to meet his little brother later that night and it was STILL very very special for me.
I'll never forget the wide-eyed look of wonder in my 5 yr old's eyes as he saw his little brother for the first time.
Best to you

Mel.

[Peony]

My kids have always been there, it has never been an issue. DD1 was almost 4 when DD2 was born, she is 7 now and still talks about it. It is a vivid memory for her. She was 6 and DD2 was 2.5 when DS was born, they were in the house but missed the actual birth because it happened so fast that I couldn't even call for them. They saw their brother when he was less then a minute old. DD1 doesn't talk about his birth the way she does when it was DD2's. It hasn't taken away from the experience to have them there. They help fill up the birth pool, make cards for the new baby, I do request to be let alone for the most part, and other then a little person peeking in and checking on me every now and then, it has been fine.

[SpuglyRoo]

I remember being in the room when three of my younger siblings were born. The first two were born at home and the last actually in the hospital if you can believe it, although I am CERTAIN the nurses did not approve of how many people were in the room (there were 5 of my mom's grown children, on top of my Dad and any medical staff). I was 5, 8, and 19 at the births and remember it being an incredibly exciting experience for the first two births and a little nerve wracking for the last. (Ironically, the more I knew about the whole process the more worried I was.) I grew up thinking a home birth was the normal way of having a baby. Which it is, but not in societies mind. I believe that having been there and watched what my mother went through cemented my belief that I could do that when it came time. A year and a half ago I had my first and ended up using the same midwife my mother had used for my siblings for my own home birth. My husband, mother, a sister, and the two midwives were all in the bedroom with me and one of my brothers was in the living room when I gave birth. (The rest of my siblings and Dad came later).

My son is now 18 months and will be weeks shy of 2 when I give birth this time. I am planning on being flexible. If he wants to be with Mommy, he is more than welcome to. I think the fact that I have such an incredibly supportive family is what allows me to make that decision without any qualms because they will be there to watch over him. My DH won't have to do it so he will be able to solely be focused on giving me the support I will need. If my DS doesn't want to be with me, or gets upset, one of his Aunts or Uncles will be more than willing to take him out of the room, or even out of the house if necessary. (But not so far that he won't be able to nearly immediately meet the little one. :-) )

I would recommend taking that route. Your son is older and can understand more than mine, so you have the benefit of being able to give him some idea of what to expect. Maybe let him know the choice is up to him if he wants to be with you or pop in and out, or stay away until the end. (Although I don't exactly remember a similar discussion when I was young, it doesn't mean it didn't happen. I just remember it being like a big exciting party. And Grandma came and made crepes for afterwards. lol) Just be sure that you have a care provider for your son so that you don't have that worrying you in the back of your mind. Whether your son is with you the exact moment his sibling enters the world or a few minutes or even an hour later, they are still going to have the rest of their lives to bond and spend time together.

Sorry this is long, but I hope this helps a little, momma. You will be fine and have two wonderful happy children in the end either way.

[Violetmama]

Thanks to all of you who responded - I really appreciate the different points of view including being the sibling present. My son goes to my SIL's during the day and his primary care giver there is our 16 yo neice (homeschooled) - I think we may look into having her here with us and she can entertain as needed but also be present if she is interested as well. That way I don't have to worry what DS is up to and neither does DH. BUT still contemplating. Thanks again mamas!