When we just have to do something...

[MrsH]

I have such a hard time trying to be more gentle and understanding of my kids. Sometimes it's easier than others: I don't mind when they make stuff dirty, I get down on the floor and play with them, we snuggle and read stories together, I've asked for them to look at me and we have actual conversations that are helpful.

BUT then there are the times that it's the complete opposite. For example, every. single. time. we leave the house. Every time!! It's making me so frustrated and angry at them. I'm constantly running around and they're just not doing their share. How can we make this easier?

For background, we have a 9 month old and live in New England so just getting me and her bundled up is an adventure. Then there's the almost 4 year old. I expect him to comply when it's time to go, and to help by doing small jobs: trying to put socks on (I'll help if he asks though), opening his shoes, closing them, getting his jacket, carrying backpack, etc. Is that too much?? He usually refuses and I don't understand why. Then there's the 7 year old, who is constantly asking me to baby her (my words not hers) - she wants help with the stupidest things, like putting her shirt on, helping to brush teeth, etc. Every two seconds she stops doing what she's supposed to to either stare into space or play with the baby. We have a list of her complete morning routine but mostly she forgets to look at it, even with frequent reminders.

So a common scene is: baby crying on the floor where I've put her while I chase after the middle one to get his coat on, who runs away while I'm reminding my eldest to do the next thing on her list. So baby is crying, my nerves get frazzled, I yell at the eldest to just get her act together, try to calmly ask the middle to please just work together and finally end up screaming and now I've got three kids in tears.

I welcome your suggestions!

[Anastasiya]

Are you waiting till the last possible minute to get out the door and the sudden rush is making you frazzled?

Are you good at multitasking? I ask because my kids do those same things and for us, it's just a matter of me keeping on top of all of them at the same time...

For example, I'll start brushing dd's teeth then tell her to finish while I sing the ABCs. While I'm singing I'm off to put socks on ds1. Then I get the shoes and put them on ds2. DD puts her toothbrush away and I help her brush her hair then whip around to put ds2's jacket on. Ds1 is in the hall crying because he can't find his nasty stinky security blanket remnant thingy. So I scoop up the baby, grab the backpacks and bags and place them by the front door, swing by the fridge and grab water bottles and then place THOSE by the front door, find the nasty stinky security blanket remnant thingy, then I'm back by the door to put on another pair of shoes and another jacket. I make everyone carry their own water bottles or they won't have them for whatever trip we're taking, then we're off to the van and that's that.

Usually, I feel like a tornado. But my mind is pretty good at doing a bunch of things at once whereas my hubby isn't good at that and getting ready to go out REALLY tries his patience.

Also, it might help to keep a shoe bin by the front door or in the entry closet, keep all coats and backpacks in the closet, etc so everything's right there where you need it. If you know you have to leave the house at 7:30, at 7, when all the kids are still in good moods, take things out to the car so they are there. Backpacks, water bottles, etc. If you have a garage you could even take out the kids' shoes and coats (since they don't have to walk on bare ground to get to the car and since coats shouldn't be worn in carseats anyway).

ETA: Sometimes my 4 year old gets in those weird moods too where he just won't cooperate. If I push it, he goes into meltdown mode. So I just have to work with it. Yelling makes everything worse.

[RoViMama]

It sounds like you are doing MUCH more work when your kiddoes. CHOICES!!!! 4 yr old: Do you want me to help with your socks or shoes? Are you going to put your jacket on first or your shoes? Are you going to carry your backpack or wear it? Are you going to walk to the car with or without shoes? (Not my feet)
7 yr old: You have the chart but are there incentives? I would have a convo with her how much you appreciate her help and NEED her help. If she can get dressed and ready, then you and her can do something just the two of you. It sounds like she may not be enjoying being the oldest (nothing you can do about!)

I am a mild fan of Love and Logic so these techniques work for me. I would also give it a trial run. Try it at a time when you really don't have anywhere to be. They don't have to know that. Let them know you have somewhere to go, and you need to be in the car in 10 minutes. If you guys make it, then go to the library or someplace fun. If you don't make it, drive somewhere and "miss it". "Natural consequence"
I live in AK. We have snow and cold and LOTS of gear to put on. With a 3 yr old and 16 mo old, it can get REALLY crazy. But there are times, the 3 yr old goes out without shoes and realizes it feels better to walk to teh car with shoes. A little bit of cold will not kill them, IMO.
Thank the baby for getting ready. First on in the car gets to close the garage door, pick the radio station, pick which way to go (if a choice)...
There are some other ways of going about this, but this is how I do it. I would also accept that sometimes you are going to miss things or be late. That's how it is with three kids. At least for me with only two.

Oh, have you tried moving back the time you start getting ready by 10 minutes. It would be hard for me to do (don't like mornings) but you would know there was more time. May help you relax.

Can you get baby ready last? Would he/she be content to play until the last minute or be in a highchair and watch the drama unfold? You could just sit there with baby on your lap and wait.

There are so many ways to do it. You have to figure out what works for your family.
Good luck and remember to breathe

[swd12422]

I feel ya, and I only have one! The other day we were getting ready to go meet his friend for a playdate and I was actually ready to go an hour before we had to be there (half hour before we needed to leave). I actually contemplated sitting and playing with him for the half hour, then decided that we'd just be early, if necessary. Fortunately, I was right, b/c it took me that whole half hour just to get his jacket on (something he usually complies with b/c he loves his jacket) and get him into the car. It was at least 15, if not 20 minutes just to get 7 feet from the jacket-putting-on to the door, and another 10 to get another 10 feet to the car and strapped in.

I can't imagine how that scene would have gone with an older (non-compliant) child and a baby!

All I can think of is, leave yourself lots of extra time so you don't feel frazzled and rushed, and maybe give both older kids "jobs" to do while they get ready. Put the older one in charge of getting the younger one ready, so you can get yourself and the baby ready. As for "babying" the older child, start giving her extra one-on-one time, and work with her on checking her list (which should be revised to include helping with the baby or the toddler). Then she's getting "mommy time" and having her abilities reinforced so she won't feel she has to be helpless to get your attention. Praise her wildly for doing things on her own and when she helps with the other kids, even if what she does isn't perfect or complete. Make the older kids feel important and they'll rise to the responsibility of being an older sibling. (Or so I hope.... I've seen this work in our extended family, but like I said, I've never had the occasion (yet) to try it myself...)

[MrsH]

Thanks all for sharing your experiences.

It's definitely not that we're waiting till the last minute, and we've already pushed our wake-up time earlier by 15 minutes (including 15 minutes earlier in bed - we thought for sure that'd do the trick but no!). We now have an hour and a half to get ready, and nothing special to get done, just eat, dress, brush teeth, pick up bedroom, lunch in backpack, shoes/coats on, and leave.

Anastasiya - when your 4 yo won't cooperate and you just work with it, what does that look like for you?

Everything is by the front door, ready to go. We walk to school so can't load up the car early, but that's a good idea for the times we drive places. I give choices all the time but if it's something he just doesn't want to do then he won't do it himself or let me. I've let him go out without a coat and halfway through he basically refused to keep walking b/c he was so cold. I now make him carry it with him, but there's still the other stuff: socks on, shoes, hat/gloves. Every single one of those items is a fight, while the baby sits and cries.

I'll have to figure out why the baby just wants to be held in the morning - I haven't yet found a place to successfully put her down during that specific timeframe. I usually have her in the sling until the last possible moment, but then put her down to get shoes/coats on (including my own).

I think what's most infuriating is that by the time we're all out the door, the person who doesn't have everything is me. After running around like crazy and remembering everything for them, I've gotten so frazzled about my own stuff. And it frankly makes me mad and resentful. I even try to get my stuff ready the night before but lately I've had barely any time between when the last kid is in bed and when I hit the pillow. Something to get back to though. I know there's more to try, but I'm so aggravated I'm having trouble thinking of it and thinking reasonably about this. Would love more perspective!

[Kuba'sMama]

You described about every morning at our house.
I've been trying everything, like the pp's suggested, but finally accepted that that's just the way it is... by the way is your 7 year old dd my 6.5 ds?? It's eerie how much alike they sound.. stand and stare indeed!
So, since they're clearly not changing (for the time being anyway), I changed my outlook. I still rush, sweat, heave my pregnant self around, but instead of losing it, I mutter sarcastic, funny things at them "oh come ONNNN, is that how fast you can move?? Momma's dyinnn' here.." I make sure I let them know I'm not really mad, while making angry faces and all sorts of sound effects (easy with my new large status). My son has SPD and rushing him is like a red cloth for a bull. The last thing I need (or want) is a massive meltdown before school. So we usually end up more or less laughing, giggling, yelling too... general mayhem but in good faith. And we do get where we are going on time!

[nina_yyc]

I think a 4yo and a 7yo can get ready much more independently (with a little practice.) Sounds to me like they are intentionally prolonging your out-the-door routine and you are enabling this behavior.

I would let them know that you have a problem with getting out the door, and then work out a solution with them where they are doing things much more independently. asq2ds (that's my 3yo typing...lol) Then set up a situation where you can show them that zx|Qa23 (here we go again...looks like mama's computer time is up soon) you're not kidding...i.e. it's somewhere they want to go, you're leaving at X time and if they're not ready you'll take them in their PJs or leave them at home with your DH.x

I really liked Honey I Wrecked the Kids and you might too.1234 Really gotta go now!

[wrappedupmama]

I only have 2 kids, but this is how I would approach it on a good day when I'm thinking rationally lol. I wake up earlier before the kids, let the kids keep sleeping! Get myself ready and food at the table. Everything packed and by the door ready to grab. Have the clothes the kids need set out etc. Then wake up the children and let baby keep sleeping if possible. If the baby wakes up, let baby play in the jumper, on the floor, etc. if baby is willing, otherwise just wear baby while the kids get ready with my help. Tell the kids if they can get ready fast enough they can watch TV (or some other reward) while you get the baby ready last. The faster they move the more reward time they get while you get the baby ready.

You could always set a timer! Race to beat it and have fun. If the kids can beat the timer they get a reward. TV time, a treat in their lunches, a special toy to bring with them, whatever is a reward for them.

If it is really not working in the mornings, I know some parents put the kids to sleep in their clothes for the next day. So then the kids only have to eat and do teeth, potty, and hair then out the door.