My son is a naysayer/perfectionist??? Help! There must be others!

[sierramv]

I am worried because he is definately a, glass is half empty, kind of kid and he's only 7. He self punishes by putting himself in his room if reprimanded for anything. Or he'll bonk himself on the head, not hard. He hates to get things wrong and gets frustrated very easily.

I struggle with how to respond, nothing seems to work. Would you consider him a highly sensitive child? I am worried that his negative attitude is affecting his 3.5 year old brother. Is it normal for some kids to be like that. My husband and I are not negative people, we aren't overly bubbly, but definately not naysayers. Just not quite sure where to go from here??

I posted this in the Parenting forum but I was wondering if any homeschooling mama's have any ideas. We are homeschooling so it is obviously more evident to me because I am home with him all day. The general opinion was that he is a perfectionist. How do you deal with a perfectionist child?? I definately am not.

[Momma Aimee]

Do you see other signs of depression in him?

Have you read the Highly Sensitive Child? I would start there.

[LauraLoo]

Here's another very good book:
"Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking"
http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-C...4812766&sr=8-1

Another good book - "The Optimistic Child"
http://www.amazon.com/Optimistic-Chi...4812991&sr=1-1

[craft_media_hero]

Ughh! My daughter is too at times!

She went through a pretty "melancholy" stage for a while and thankfully seems to be a bit on the brighter side lately. Just talking with her about it helped.

She also is a perfectionist with homeschool stuff (not so much with other activities, tho?); if it's not just right, she will erase and redo it. Not pointing out any of her errors has become my approach with school stuff.

For instance, I used to point out when she would write numbers backwards. Now I just don't say anything---she does it about half the time, and I figure that eventually just seeing the numbers written "properly" will reinforce it enough that she'll grow out of writing them backwards.

Plus, at this age they get so much "practice" that pointing out one incorrect answer out of the numerous things they're learning is kind of unnecessary yk? Like in her math book-she actually will only calculate one out of maybe twenty incorrectly so I don't really think there's a big need to point out errors.

Hope you're able to find something that works for you and your boy!

[jlpumkin]

My dd is also a perfectionist, so much so that she won't even attempt anything unless she knows she'll be good at it... well guess how much stuff that is? It can be a challenge in schooling as she won't even participate in the discussion unless she already has a tight grasp of the material. And really down on herself if she doesn't know or misses an answer. One thing that I have learned to do is recognize effort beyond results. After all when she puts in a lot of effort we tend to get the desired results anyway. BUT it's most helpful in helping her to loosen up a little. I think she'll always be the kid that wants to have perfect results but I think that if I can pump her up with positivity toward effort; the negativity tied to the results might loosen. I have noticed some improvement especially in the obvious subjects like spelling & math that have absolute answers.

[sierramv]

Thank you all for your help,

I ordered "the highly sensitive child" and "freeing your child from negative thinking" last night off amazon.

Other than the task oriented negativity and self-punishing behavior (as if that's not plenty), he has healthy relationships with his peers. He is kind, easy going and empathetic. He was in public school until first grade and his teacher's never mentioned any of this behavior being exhibited in class. Although he did not like school and was in the nurses office frequently for headaches, so I think it was just manifesting in a different way.

I always tell him that it's not as important to get it right as it is to try his best, and that's all I want him to do. I praise him when he tries regardless of the results, and I like "craft mdedia" don't sweat the small stuff, usually he slips up because he is rushing and not because he doesn't understand, so I don't correct him unless I think he is struggling with a concept and then we will just work through it again. I try not to say "this isn't right".

He sounds like jlpumpkins daughter, he won't attempt something unless he thinks he can do good at it. I tell him that some of our greatest discoveries came from "failures" and not to give up. It saddens me to think that he will go through life with that kind of attitude. I grew up feeling like I could conquer the world and I want him to feel as though he can do ANYTHING!

Ahh! I feel better knowing that he is not the only one!

Thanks!

[Vermillion]

Too funny! Not your situation, but the fact that I found this today. (My son just got your son's pen pal letter today!)

Anyway, my son is the same way! And it’s only getting worse recently as he’s becoming more involved with other kids. He can be SO negative lately! And anxious, and just has a bad attitude a lot lately. He is also very much a perfectionist and feels like if he is going to fail he doesn’t even want to do it. Maybe it’s the age? I’m hoping once things become more routine and he gets used to all the new things in his life things will relax a little. A lot of it could just be his personality, but, lately it’s a bit much…

He just started karate, so I’m hoping that will help with the attitude by boosting his confidence.

I’m going to check out the books mentioned here as well!

[sierramv]

Hi Vermillion,

For some reason I never made the connection with your name and E's pen pal. I'm glad to see we are not the only ones.

It started about first grade, and he has his good days and bad. I keep telling him, it's 99% attitude, now he repeats it to me when he starts to get frustrated. We would love to join your blog. I am just setting mine up, haven't done an postings yet, just setting up all the "extra's".

Great to hear from you!