Help me explain my sisters divorce to my kids - Page 2

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by ljc

kama'aina mama, Thanks for your input. Right or wrong two things are bothering me. The first is the length of the affair (7 years). During this time she brought 3 children into the situation. I understand that many marriages end in divorce, but I can't understand how she made the decision to involve three innocent children into this situation. I wish she got herself out of the marriage sooner and not built a family on lies. I am also having a hard time thinking that for 7 years she had this whole other life and that I had no idea - I thought that we were friends and sisters. How could I not know this?
I should be happy that her husband is willing to attend counseling sessions with her and try and get past this. I don't want to lose contact with my sister or her children. I think it's that I can be a bit of a realist/pessimist - and in my experience infidelity and the loss of trust can be impossible to repair. But, you are probably correct that I should try and be happy that they are willing to try and repair things.
Maybe it's because infidelity would be a deal breaker in my marriage - as would abuse. Just two things I could never tolerate. Sorry I don't mean to sound "preachy".

IF you're going to have contact with your nieces and nephews, I think it's not terribly realistic to not have contact with their mother. It doesn't sound like she's abused them or like anyone is suggesting she should cease to be involved in their lives.

Gently, truth can be awfully complicated, especially in relationships. I don't know you or your sister or anything about the situation. I just know that honesty can get awfully convoluted, especially when there's secrecy involved.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ljc

The first is the length of the affair (7 years). During this time she brought 3 children into the situation.

whatever happens to her marriage, I hope your sister spends some time therapy trying to sort out what is going has been going on in her head. This is VERY strange.

I am also having a hard time thinking that for 7 years she had this whole other life and that I had no idea - I thought that we were friends and sisters. How could I not know this?

It really sounds like she broke trust with you, too. This has been going on for a long time and you two are close.

Maybe it's because infidelity would be a deal breaker in my marriage - as would abuse. Just two things I could never tolerate. Sorry I don't mean to sound "preachy".

You don't know that until you are there. In his case, if he walks out the door he will never ever live with his children again. Would you walk out of your house and never live with your children again? Few of us would.

It's really not a question of what is right and what is wrong, it's that his entire life is over, and if he leaves he has nothing to live for.

He can't tolerate it. He will never be the same. His life is completely screwed up forever, whether or not he leaves. He'll never trust anyone again. He most likely will get paternity tests on his kids, who he loves. His life is screwed up and leaving will not fix it.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

You're aware that "not getting along" =/= "temporary squabble," yes? And why do children need to be dumped on with issues that are beyond them? I understand you believe that preschoolers should have equal access to information as adults.
However, how is it any of their damn business? Marital privacy and all that? Why would you advise anyone to gossip about her sister to her children?

It sounds like the OP's BIL was blindsided by this, and "not getting along" sounds like the problems were mutual. Besides, if I know the real reason and I tell my kids something else, that's a lie. My kids haven't had trouble understanding infidelity when it's come up before -- it's not that hard to understand that when two people promise to only have sex with each other, and then one person breaks that promise, the relationship is likely going to (and absolutely SHOULD) end.

Who's gossiping? If the couple didn't want anyone to know because they felt it was private, they shouldn't have told anyone.

No one in my life expects me to lie to my kids or hide things from them . . . if you don't want the kids to know, don't tell me. Period.

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

Who's gossiping? If the couple didn't want anyone to know because they felt it was private, they shouldn't have told anyone.

They shouldn't have sought support from friends and family for this difficult thing they're going through? And they shouldn't be entitled to any level of discretion from those friends and family?

Honesty isn't meant to trump virtues like trust and confidence. And I would certainly make allowances for the pain my kids would be likely to (accidentally) cause with sensitive information, just because they don't personally have adult judgment about whether to repeat it.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

Who's gossiping? If the couple didn't want anyone to know because they felt it was private, they shouldn't have told anyone.

From the dictionary:

gossip: n 1: a person who reveals personal or sensational facts 2: rumor or report of an intimate nature
vb: to spread gossip

Revealing personal facts about another person is gossip.

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

The honest answer is, "Because your uncle had sex with another woman (or his wife had sex with another man, whatever)."

Um, an equally honest answer would be "Because they choose not to."

Your posts sound dangerously close to what I really do consider to be gossip: further damaging an already vulnerable relationship by telling people (in this case, your children) who have absolutely no need to know about it.