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Kids sleeping over at the opposite sex's house - Page 2

post #21 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber View Post
I was allowed to have opposite sex sleepovers when I was and teen and ds will be allowed to as well. And its rather heterosexist to only be concerned about "opposite" sex sleepovers. Most of my gay friends who were in boy scouts, well lets just say they weren't sleeping on campouts!

I almost feel like you would be less likely to have sex at a sleepover because you would be more paranoid about being caught, then say in the backseat of the car, or before parents got home from work etc.
Well I know dd1 is straight, so same sex sleepovers would not be an issue sexually, so that is not heterosexist. If she was bi/lesbian, then yes, it would be.
post #22 of 59
I admit to finding it really jarring when I first encountered it, and I don't think I'd be comfortable having a female friend of ds1's spend the night.

But, you know, I had female friends spend the night, despite having an older brother. He had male friends spend the night, despite having younger sisters. Is this really that different?

DS1 has one female friend, M, who frequently has group sleepovers at her house. The first couple of times ds1 was invited, we said "no". He kept asking us why, and i realized I had no real reason. So, the next time, I said "yes". I actually doln't think he is sexually active yet (and he's on his fourth steady girlfriend), but if he were...keeping him away from sleepovers woudlnt' stop him. Nobody I knew was ever allowed opposite sex sleepovers, and quite a few of us were sexually active, yk? M's mom is home, and while I know her only slightly, I know her well enough to know she's keeping an eye on the situation, so there won't be any drugs or drinking or anything.

I started off uncomfortable. I'm not bothered, anymore.
post #23 of 59
My daughter's done it already (at 7), and I don't expect her to stop as she gets older . . . I'd allow it at my house and would allow my kids to stay over at others' houses. Nothing is going to happen at a sleepover that CAN'T happen some other time, so not allowing it seems really illogical to me.
post #24 of 59
When I was in highschool I had "secret sleepovers"(as in the parents didn't know I was there)with a male friend.NOTHING was going on.We were just really good friends.However his brother who was having "approved sleepovers"with a male friend was the one getting all the action.And yeah everyone thought they were both heterosexual.Well...not everyone...but the parents at least.
post #25 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
:

My daughters currently don't really have friends that are boys, so the situation hasnt' come up. But that would be WAY beyond my comfort level- you just don't sleep in the same room with a non-family member of the opposite sex unless you're married. Hanging out with a co-ed group is fine- sleeping over is something else.

Although, I do remember my brother having female friends (mostly girlfriends of his friends) getting permission to sleep over only because I was there. Never mind that she hardly knew me, she asked her mom if she could sleep over at "Ruth's house".
Just wondering if the opinion changes if they aren't sleeping in the same room? I had one friend, we didn't sleep in the same room when we stayed at each others house because he couldn't sleep with the light off and I couldn't sleep with the light on.
post #26 of 59
I would rather my kids had a one-on-one sleepover than with a whole bunch of kids. Same sex or opposite, our place or theirs. More kids = more trouble in my experience. Although I don't forbid them from having sleepovers - to me, that's just asking for them to sneak behind your back. Come to think of it, I don't really forbid much of anything.
post #27 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by rere View Post
However his brother who was having "approved sleepovers"with a male friend was the one getting all the action.And yeah everyone thought they were both heterosexual.Well...not everyone...but the parents at least.
Is this in response to me? If so, I know as much about my dd's sexuality as she does, as in, if she has lesbian leanings, she is totally unaware of it. We are close enough that she knows she would be safe to disclose anything to us and we would support her.
post #28 of 59
My son (12) does co-ed sleepovers. I have no issue with it. His younger sisters have friends his age and younger sleep here all the time as well and he interacts with them.

It would feel heterosexist to me to disallow co-ed sleepovers and not same sex ones. I believe sexuality to be pretty fluid so even if I did feel 110% sure that my child was heterosexual at this very moment, it doesn't mean I expect that keeping him to same-sex sleepovers will "safeguard" him from sexual activity (even if that was an actual goal of mine).
post #29 of 59
As far as I can remember, every sexual experience I ever had was while I was awake. All underage drinking was done while I was awake. I didn't use any drugs, but the kids I knew who smoked pot and such were doing it while they were awake.

I don't really see what trouble kids will be getting into while they're asleep.
post #30 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xy View Post
I don't really see what trouble kids will be getting into while they're asleep.
I've never had a sleepover where the kids slept much. Generally, they are up until all hours and crash sometime before dawn.
post #31 of 59
not ever gonna happen at our house or our dc at another person's house. We don't do sleepovers of any kind anyway, but even if we did there would be no opposite sex sleeping over.
post #32 of 59
I don't know how "normal" it is and I don't know what I'll do with my own kids. But my mom let my bf stay the night when I was 15-16 years old. It was a serious bf, not just some guy I'd just started dating. She didn't want me stay at his house overnight, but she knew we were there unsupervised a lot during the day so I don't really get the reasoning. By the time my little sister had her first serious bf, she decided it was fine for her to stay the night at his house.

My mom said she just figured if we were going to have sex, we'd find a way to do it, day or night. My older sisters had a bad habit of sneaking off all the time and at getting picked up by the cops and stuff. I think she liked knowing where we were. It worked, we never felt the need to sneak off.

I did have sex with that bf, but never when he spent the night ironically. I was too afraid of getting caught. We'd do it during the day when everyone was at work. I think my mom probably knew that's how it would work.

I was raised to believe that sex was ok before marriage though. No one made a big deal about it. If you felt you were ready, just be safe. My moms biggest fear was not that we'd have sex, for sure. I still feel the same way and wouldn't worry if my kids were having sex so I guess I'd probably allow co-ed sleepovers.
post #33 of 59
Fine by us. The kids have sleepovers at all ages here, and we don't care what sex the other person is.
They are just friends. I'm not gonna sleep with my friends even if we're alone for a night, and I didn't when I was a teen.
And if they are boyfriend/girlfriend, and wants to be sexually active, then they're going to do it anyway. And I wont mind as long as they are being smart about it.
post #34 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
I've never had a sleepover where the kids slept much. Generally, they are up until all hours and crash sometime before dawn.
Okay. So what's the problem?
post #35 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xy View Post
Okay. So what's the problem?
I think the issue has more to do with

1) the mental connection people make between beds/nighttime and sex, and
2) the fact that the parents are probably asleep, so there are concerns about lack of supervision.
post #36 of 59
Storm bride explained a bit about why we just don't do sleepovers.

I just don't see anything gained from them and so much potential for trouble. That's just for our family. I understand why others are okay with it.
post #37 of 59
I'm the oldest of five kids (three girls, two boys) and we all had many sleep-overs, both with same & opposite sex. Nothing ever happened. I actually waited until I was nineteen and moved out before my first serious sexual encounter occurred.

And for those who are stating their kids are hetero, and they feel completely comfortable with that, and would have no issues disclosing otherwise to their parents - I absolutely believe that. My mom was/is my best friend and I would have trusted her with anything.

Having said that (not to go totally OT) - I didn't come out to myself until I was in my mid-twenties. All through high school, university, I had no idea. Either it was really on the back burner in my mind, I was in denial - who knows. But up until I was 25 or so, as far as I was concerned I was totally hetero.

So to answer the question, absolutely my gf and I would have no issues about same/opposite sex sleep overs. Would I be encouraging sexual activity here at home? Not necessarily. I would want my kids to be safe and smart about sex (as in my mom gave really great advice - make sure it's someone you trust, someone you can laugh with, and someone you can look in the eye in the morning) and hopefully they'll be older than sixteen...
post #38 of 59
I guess I'm heterosexist. I'd allow same-sex sleepovers, but not opposite-sex sleepovers once my kids hit puberty. I have no problem with premarital sex. I do have a problem with pre-independent-living pregnancy. If my sons are gay and are sexually active with boys who stay the night, I hope they're being safe. If they're not, they're the ones who have to deal with the consequences (i.e. STDs). It would be the same if I had girls who were sexually involved with girls (though the STD concern would be lessened). With opposite sex couplings, I have to worry about STDs, the power differential, and pregnancy. With the first, they're choosing to accept the consequences of their actions. With the second comes an increased chance of unwanted sexual contact, which creates a victim. With the third, you open a whole new can of worms, and there could end up being a baby who is dealing with the consequences of my decision to allow an opposite-sex sleepover.
Will kids have sex even when you don't provide them with an opportunity? Absolutely. They will find a way. I just don't want their mistakes to be on my conscience. I want to make the best decisions that I can for my children, and the best decision for my children is, I believe, to not allow opposite-sex sleepovers in the teenage years. I would likely welcome a girlfriend of my adult child into the home overnight during a visit, if my adult child was living independently (i.e. if they came for an extended visit over the holidays or something.)
There was a similar debate in a the winter 2010 Brain,Child magazine, btw.
post #39 of 59
I don't see the problem if you're comfortable, your kids are comfortable, and the other parents are comfortable. I was allowed to sleep over friends houses of the opposite sex and I plan to allow my kiddo the same opportunity on a case-by-case basis.
post #40 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I think the issue has more to do with

1) the mental connection people make between beds/nighttime and sex, and
2) the fact that the parents are probably asleep, so there are concerns about lack of supervision.
Yeah, but unsupervised kids are unsupervised kids, whether or not the sun is up.

I was still in high school the first time I had sex, and it was in the middle of the afternoon, and not in a bed.

I'm not saying that everyone *should* do co-ed sleepovers. I just think people should examine their reasons for not allowing them. I think the idea that co-ed sleepovers encourage sexual activity or other "trouble" is erroneous. Or maybe my kids and their friends are just really good kids. Their idea of a "party" is a keg of root beer and Rock Band.
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