So very irritated with MIL about DD's lack of eating

[Ldavis24]

So this is a vent just in case it doesn't appear to be...Not a question so much as me just wondering if I am being overly protective or sensitive or whatever.

DD is watched by Grandma, my MIL, from 4 to 10 yesterday because of some stuff DH and I had to do for the evening. Nothing fun unfortunately

MIL calls about 5:30 and says DD is fussy and cranky more than usual so we tell her if she is still crying in 10 minutes or so call us and we will come get her. Well MIL calls back 5 minutes later and says everything is fine and DD is asleep which makes sense because it is about her evening nap time.

We don't hear from MIL again until she drops DD off (who is by the way going to be 8 months in a week or so) after she leaves she calls to tell me that DD did not drink of a single drop of the breastmilk I had left for her (5 bags). Being distracted by trying to feed DD in bed I basically don't react and hang up. So after DD is fed and asleep I talk to DH about the fact that our not even 8 month old daughter did not eat at all for SIX hours!!!

The more we talk the more upset and angry we both get at MIL because she very very clearly should have called us and told us the situation after 4 hours a the latest. I mean I am an adult and I am hungry after 3-4 hours so I KNOW DD was hungry...

According to MIL she tried to feed her once but DD wouldn't take it the bottle of breast milk (she has never had a problem with the bottle) so she dumped out the milk thinking it was sour and tried a different bag and same result. She then just didn't offer to feed DD again for the rest of the night!!!

This is a baby that eats every 2-3 hours still, she loves to nurse and has never ever had a problem with my milk from a bottle. So DH and I are fuming at MIL who never called.
A little background on MIL she is extremely lonely and by herself and basically begs us to let her watch DD any chance she gets, so I don't know if this is a case of her just not wanting us to come pick up DD early or (worse in my mind) she honestly didn't think it was a big deal or problem that DD hadn't eaten in 6 hours.

Honestly I am so upset and furious at the idea of DD being left hungry and confused that I don't want her near my baby at the moment. DH is equally furious but he is a little more rational about it than I am. I just want to yell at MIL and ask her how she could think it wasn't a big deal. Am I overreacting (a common question here) or this is something to be justifiably PO'd about? Would you ever even let her babysit again?

[mamazee]

I have a few questions.

She cried at 5:30, and after a few minutes fell asleep. Did she cry more later? If she were crying out of hunger over that time, I would find that very concerning.

You say she's always taking a bottle. From whom? Just you and dh? Have you left her before? You can't assume she'd take a bottle from someone else if she hasn't, and if she hasnt' been separated from you and dh before, the stress could make her wait until she saw you again.

I've heard some working moms' kids don't eat much if at all during the day and then nurse tons at night - reverse cycling. This sounds like the same thing, depening on the two issues above. If she wasn't crying out of hunger, I wouldn't freak out about it. She probably just missed you and wouldn't eat until you were back. I left my oldest dd a couple of times when she was a baby and, though she took a bottle a few times with my dh, she wouldn't take a bottle if I left her with someone. So I just stopped going out without her until she could last on solids and water until she saw me again. I wouldn't, based on only the info above, assume your MIL neglected her. If the baby were crying and hungry and not offered something, then I would be very upset.

[cileag]

I agree with Mamazee. It's sad and unfortunate that your daughter didn't take the bottle--but I know many babies can hold out for that long and aren't wild with hunger. Especially with a fun grandma to play around with. I wouldn't assume that your MIL was deliberately depriving her of food, or trying to manipulate the situation. But, ultimately it boils down to whether or not you trust her--and it sort of sounds like you don't.

My 3 month old sleeps 5-8 hours at night now and does ok--so maybe your baby is shifting to eating a little less frequently as well.

[MommyMaggie]

My MIL fed my three day old son a bottle of water (She also took him out of his carseat while I was driving). Some of the Old School refuses to except the new ways.

I would reiterate to her your DD's feeding schedule, and ask to be called should DD not eat for 4 hours straight.

[hakeber]

To be fair, by the time my ds was 8 months old he would frequently go that long between feedings if I wasn't around, especially if it was with someone new, or in a new surrounding. He'd rather hold out for the real thing. But he was perfectly happy to suck down bottles from our regular sitter or dh, in our home, every 3-4 hours. And he could easily sleep ten-twelve hour stretches by then with no problems, so if he were sleeping I'd think nothing of it at all.

I'd be more annoyed that she chucked out 5 bags of milk (did I read that right?) That would make me steam!

FWIW, maybe she did think it was a big deal. Afterall, she did call you to tell you, but maybe she tried to be all la-dee-da about it because she just didn't want to upset you or have you think she was deficient as a caregiver, ya know?

IIWY, I would just lay down the rules more explicitly next time. If baby doesn't eat every three hours, CALL!!!!!

She sounds like a very good person to count on for childcare in a jam. Honestly, I'd give my left arm for a free babysitter I could trust, or a MIL that WANTED to sit for six hour stretches.

[JayJay]

Ah yes, the "old school" haha...

My MIL wanted me to start supplementing Bella on Carnation evaporated milk and water in a bottle so that I could "get things done." Now not only is Bella exclusively breastfed, but she's also not even three weeks old... Suffice it to say I probably won't be leaving her in anyone's care for some time in the full knowledge that doing so would probably mean I'd come back to discover she'd been given cereal, or a full-on pureed Sunday dinner in my absence...ha! She also doesn't get pacifiers - something I am pretty certain would NOT be obeyed if I wasn't around!

So, we just do baby-friendly things around here. MY mother and I share parenting styles but she is thousands of miles away in England and is probably the only one I'd let watch Bella apart from my other half, if I had to run to the store at this stage. Not to offend, but I think setting parenting styles and sticking to them is a rather important part for child-rearing. I am not a proponent of the whole "what happens at Grandmas stays at Grandmas" thing...I don't find that approach to be beneficial or healthy!

But hey, that's just my opinion! I'd have been worried too, having her not eat for six hours straight. But that's what we're for - we're parents; we worry about stuff like this - and that's OKAY!

[hakeber]

OMG, Jay?! Bella's so little! Is she serious? Evaporated Milk?! What in the world does she expect you to "get done" with a weeks old baby that would require evaporated milk suplementation at 2.5 weeks old? I'm in shock.

[jammomma]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. Is your MIL supportive of breastfeeding? I have a feeling that maybe she isn't?

I would be upset that she dumped the milk, too.

Personally I never go 6 hours without drinking something, even during the night, and I know my ds has never gone that long either. But he's only 7 months.

[Ldavis24]

Ok so first off, thank you as always for the thoughtful replies!
Second, I think when I reread what I actually wrote (I hardly ever proof what I write, an unfortunate habit dating back to middle school) I realized that I sound quite nutty and was far from clear.

Ok so to clarify. I am a SAHM so DD does not often get the bottle, only when grandma is watching her probably 3 to 4 times a month. She has taken the bottle from grandma whom she is very familiar with without a problem once. We never strictly introduced the bottle to her, she just took it in the same as if it were me without so much as a flinch. Apparently my boob is the equivalent of a synthetic nipple...So the fact that she flat out refused it is rather surprising to me.

Also as far as feedings go, I know she is able to go longer between nursings because she rarely wakes from 11 to 5 or so except maybe for 5 minutes for a quick nurse. However, I also know that she is ravenous throughout the day. I don't know if this is because she is crawling and climbing all over the house because she is extremely active and mobile these days or because she is growing but it was extremely out of character.

Finally I have calmed down quite a bit and have managed to see that it was one incident and it's over so there isn't too much I can do. I still feel like MIL should have at least called but DH talked to her and she totally understands why I would feel like that and if it happens again if she is watching her to just call us and err on the side of caution for nervous mommy's sake
From my point of view as a former nanny this was just something I would have alerted the parents about. I think the first time DD doesn't eat for a while on my watch the poor kid will probably be getting force fed before I figure out what is going on!

[blumooned]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24

Ok so to clarify. I am a SAHM so DD does not often get the bottle, only when grandma is watching her probably 3 to 4 times a month. She has taken the bottle from grandma whom she is very familiar with without a problem once. We never strictly introduced the bottle to her, she just took it in the same as if it were me without so much as a flinch. Apparently my boob is the equivalent of a synthetic nipple...So the fact that she flat out refused it is rather surprising to me.

I just wanted to comment on this - DS took a bottle beautifully the very first time it was offered (by his Dad) & then didn't like it after that. We switched to a sippy cup around 6mos and he liked that much better. DS also rarely got a bottle/BM from cup, but when we needed it, the cup worked better.

[JayJay]

Originally Posted by hakeber

OMG, Jay?! Bella's so little! Is she serious? Evaporated Milk?! What in the world does she expect you to "get done" with a weeks old baby that would require evaporated milk suplementation at 2.5 weeks old? I'm in shock.

I KNOW! I told my mum in England and she recommended me maybe not leaving Bella with anyone before the age of 18 months :P I just worry that as soon as I leave the house, she'll have a pacifier stuck in her mouth and a bottle to wash it down with! But yes, evaporated milk... *SCREAM!*

[jillmamma]

Originally Posted by JayJay

I KNOW! I told my mum in England and she recommended me maybe not leaving Bella with anyone before the age of 18 months :P I just worry that as soon as I leave the house, she'll have a pacifier stuck in her mouth and a bottle to wash it down with! But yes, evaporated milk... *SCREAM!*

Is she the type to just SUGGEST weird stuff like this or to actually DO it behind your back? Because if she respects what you say and would follow your instructions (even if she does not agree), I would be okay with her watching the baby for short times, but if she would give stuff behind your back, no way! That is NUTSO! My MIL sometimes has some different ideas from me, but at least I know she would not do something like that behind my back so I am cool with her watching the kiddos, plus she lives far away so it does not happen much anyway.

[CalaRei]

My sons came home half supplemented with formula. Tycho, the bigger guy would guzzle 4 oz in 15 minutes. At about 9 weeks, we'd gotten to near exclusive BF, and he up and decided he didn't want bottles anymore.. So i don't think it's unheard of for a baby to start refusing. Yours especially is older, so I can see her figuring that she'd just wait. Even at three months, Tycho'll wait 4 or 5 hours and just take nibbles of what's offered until I'm back.

I'd be a little upset that mil didn't keep offering now and then, I suppose, but i think it's just something you could mention for the future.

[claddaghmom]

Well I had to go to a special class and so my sister watched my daughter during that time for one week. I had pumped milk but she refused to drink it even when clearly hungry. She would rather go hungry and wait for me.

Have you introduced solids? Maybe some water and a snack is what you're going to have to do if she goes to Grandma's.

[kdtmom2be]

DD refused the bottle EVERY time it was offered, so I didn't go out without her for more than 3-4 hours until she was almost a year. There was one exception to this, my DH's grad dinner. We went out for about 6 hours, MIL attempted to feed her by bottle, by cup, syringe, and spoon (she was 3 months old) and in the end figures that she got 1.5ounces into her. Sure, she was hungry when I got home but missing one feeding won't hurt them in the long run and she was in very loving arms while I was gone.

Fast forward two years, DS will take a bottle BUT he's picky about temperature. If it's not warm enough he won't take it. If it's too warm, he won't take it. He'll even drink sour milk if it's the right temperature (oops!). So it could be that she didn't like how the milk was being offered or what temp it was.

[Icehockey18]

1. I would be upset if my mil did not inform me that my lo had not/will not take the bottle. However, going that long isn't too terrible.
2. Ds just started not taking a bottle from anyone (my mom, mil, or dh) and he is almost 8 mo. He still is EBFed, and would just rather wait for mama I'm rarely gone longer than 5 hours (and never more than one day a week), and he will suck on an ice cube through a mesh feeder, but no bottles for him! His change of heart toward the bottle happened overnight, so she could have just decided she would rather wait for you.
But, you have a right to be upset because your mil didn't tell you your dd wasn't eating, IMO. I would tell her that you would like to be informed, in the future, if something like that happens again.

[folkgirl]

I'm glad you're feeling better about things. I don't think 6 hours is that long as long as your daughter wasn't upset and fussing the whole time. If she was, that would be an entirely different story! I wouldn't expect a call for that, either, again as long as baby was happy. She was probably doing a little mini-reverse cycling. I am more paranoid about people overfeeding a breastfed baby than underfeeding, in a relatively short period of time at least.

[phrogger]

I haven't read the responses, but I know my almost 8 month old has gone that long without eating any time I have left him with a sitter. He will take milk from a bottle from dad and that is it. So the fact that she went that long doesn't concern me. I am sure she made up for it with her nursing. As for your MIL, well, unless the baby was still cranky, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. I am sure she figured she would just nurse more when you got her.

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by folkgirl

I'm glad you're feeling better about things. I don't think 6 hours is that long as long as your daughter wasn't upset and fussing the whole time. If she was, that would be an entirely different story! I wouldn't expect a call for that, either, again as long as baby was happy. She was probably doing a little mini-reverse cycling. I am more paranoid about people overfeeding a breastfed baby than underfeeding, in a relatively short period of time at least.

thats what bugs me, according to MIL, DD was cranky and just fussy and crying a lot. Totally out of character for her with grandma or anyone really she is generally not like that. So yeah MIL should definitely have called but DH talked to her and she apologized profusely so at least we have all learned from this experience.


I never thought about overfeeding!!

[Marsupialmom]

Have you ever walked around with a fussy baby/toddler and not realize you put their shoes on the wrong feet? I have! My dh has. I think all our friends have at least once. It happens you feel bad about it and ask yourself why you didn't notice sooner.

You mil is not use to having a baby there 8 hours. So for her she is on supper charge busy. Keeping an 8 month old happy is a lot more work if you are not use to it. She offered dd breast milk dd refused. MIL did logical thing and assumed maybe milk was bad, she offered more. DD still refuse. Instead of panicing she played more with her. DD will eat later, right? She didn't have someone go get formula......she didn't have it on hand either. MIL has so far tried to be very respectful.

When she was done with her day. Sat down, then she remembered dd didn't eat the 2 bags of milk she fixed her her. She calls and lets you know -- doesn't hide it. Maybe it was her way of saying "Oh sh%$, no wonder DD was cranky." At that momment she missed the fact that the extra crankiness might have been hunger. She missed something that overall/long term would not harm her. It doesn't sound like your dd was crying uncontrollably.

We all make mistakes. You mil missed something, but honestly it could have been you! Maybe not with feeding but the shoes on the wrong feet,hair around the finger, or something else minor or more major. My dd was 2, fell and broke her tail bone (rare brake for toddler). Yep, I thought she was just tired. It wasn't until we hit a calm that I reviewed the day and was able to evaulate that my dd was hurt not just overly tired and cranky. When you do something like this, miss the obvisious you feel really bad.

If this is not on the list of one of many things your mil has done that you would considered minipulative, wrong, cruel, unsafe, or deceitful then let it go. My mother would have gone out and bought formula or fed them something I didn't want them to. (My mom and aunt dipped their fingers into soda and cream corn for a 3 month old and watched him suck it off their fingers. They still deny that is why he cried for hours that night. It was the long flight 2 days prior).

Find other solutions. 1. Mention next time dd refuses bottles/doesn't eat let you know. 2. At 8 months cups work just fine. 3. Offer solids. Give your mil better stratagy tools to handle the situation. Most grandma's are not out to starve grandchildren. I wouldn't doubt she is/was sitting there feeling really bad.