Where's the line between AP and "smothering"? *see note added 02/02

[Bena]

Note (added Feb.2)
My intention with this post was not to start a debate on my friend's specific actions (which is why I don't go in details), but about smothering in general. I only mention this friend as background to explain how I came about to wondering about this. I'm not implying that she is or is not smothering her child, I'm not in her shoes and cannot be a judge of that.

I'm curious about people's opinions.

Without going into details, I'm growing more and more uncomfortable by a friend's behaviour towards her 12 month old. She's often saying to people "We're doing AP", but I'm not so sure her behavior is about her son, but more about her own insecurity.

Of course, I don't think I'd ever bring this up with her...I'm not going to stick my nose in someone else's parenting.

But that did get me thinking about the line between AP and smothering (or helicopter parents, which, as a high-school teacher, I deal with too often, sadly)

I'm re-reading Dr. Sears' Baby book on AP, and he clearly states that AP is not smothering, and how smothering is damaging and more about the mother's (or father's) insecurity. I agree, but he doesn't go into details about where AP ends and smothering begins.

I'm curious about people's opinion!

[Polliwog]

I think it's hard to answer since you aren't giving any details about the situation.

[Chamomile Girl]

I figure that AP is about responding to the needs of your child, while smothering is trying to make your child conform to your needs.

As another high school teacher I too have seen many examples of the second!

[Sk8ermaiden]

This is an interesting question, and I'm sure you'll get a hundred different answers.

To me, smothering, or helicopter parenting is when you you don't let your kids explore or be kids, parenting out of fear I guess, or a belief that they can't do anything without you.

AP is just being there when they need you. I guess I really don't see any real similarity between AP and smothering. I think you can have smothering parents who are totally un-AP and AP parents who smother...

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl

I figure that AP is about responding to the needs of your child, while smothering is trying to make your child conform to your needs.

As another high school teacher I too have seen many examples of the second!

The child is 12 months old, so those are pretty intertwined.

[Kuba'sMama]

Like the pp said, I don't really see any connection either. Smothering is not a healthy way to parent, and you can find smothering parents on either side of the spectrum. I don't think it has anything to do with AP or not.
AP is focused on breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping when desirable by everyone (ie. not forcing the older child to co-sleep when they want their own bed), baby wearing, but not when the child would rather run around and explore. So basically like pp said meeting the child's needs and not making the child meet your own.
Smothering has negative connotations to me, such as hovering over a happily playing child, spoon feeding and eager self feeder, dressing a child who wants and is ready to dress themselves, protecting the child from "dangers" which don't exist... etc, etc.

[harrietsmama]

As a recovering helicopter parent, I think at 12 mos it is a very fine line. I never did the scoop 'em up and oh poor baby when they fell or anything, which I think is smothering - let them decide first if they are actually hurt, then comfort them. Otherwise, oh, you fell down. But now that mine are a little older, I have to try hard not to be right over them in the pool for example at my Aunt's house(they are 8 &10, and non-swimmers) - there are 15 or so adults right around the pool plus several swimming kids in the pool. I *can* just put them in a life jacket and let them figure out how to move around in the water, rather than stand by the pool wringing my hands and directing what they are doing. I am still struggling with the apron strings but I am trying

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by Kuba'sMama

Like the pp said, I don't really see any connection either. Smothering is not a healthy way to parent, and you can find smothering parents on either side of the spectrum. I don't think it has anything to do with AP or not.
AP is focused on breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping when desirable by everyone (ie. not forcing the older child to co-sleep when they want their own bed), baby wearing, but not when the child would rather run around and explore. So basically like pp said meeting the child's needs and not making the child meet your own.
Smothering has negative connotations to me, such as hovering over a happily playing child, spoon feeding and eager self feeder, dressing a child who wants and is ready to dress themselves, protecting the child from "dangers" which don't exist... etc, etc.

[zinemama]

Oh, I see the connection.

To me, it's when parents (usually mothers) won't let their children (babies/toddlers) be alone with anyone else, even the father in cases. Where they fall into the trap of feeling that only they can care for and meet every single one of their child's needs. Some have interpreted AP to mean they must wear the baby every moment for fear of not being sufficiently "attached" - whether or not the kid wants to be worn or in fact would rather be exploring and crawling around.

I think smothering - in some cases - is AP misinterpreted.

[chfriend]

A 12 month old is a baby. A mother responding to a baby or a little kid has no relationship whatsoever to not allowing a high school aged person to grow up.

My older dd didn't even walk at 12 months. Me carrying her in the sling in a hip carry hasn't seemed to impede her progress as a 9 year old.

[One_Girl]

I don't think you can tell whether someone is crossing the line between AP and smothering when their child is so young, though I do agree with the pp who said that smothering can include not even letting the father meet the child's needs and wearing the baby when the baby wants to crawl around and explore. Kids change so rapidly at that age that it is hard to adjust quickly to their new abilities so sometimes it may look like smothering when really you are just starting to get used to your child's new abilities in a safe way. When you are a new mom you also tend to be overprotective and do to much a lot of times, but that evens out as your child grows. I have noticed that teachers tend to be very black and white about what they view as right and wrong parent interactions and I think you should ask yourself if you are judging her harshly because you assume that this is how the helicopter parents started out or if she is really smothering her one year old. If you were a teacher in an infant room then I think you would be coming from an informed place, but there are huge differences between infants and high school age children and a mother who seems to be smothering now is probably not going to be doing so a few years down the road, especially if she has more kids.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

The child is 12 months old, so those are pretty intertwined.

[annekh23]

If you have to justify your behaviour as because it's AP then I'd have to question the reasons. I don't justify anything I do by saying it's AP, it's because of a parenting style I subscribe to etc etc I just say I'm meeting her needs, if I get a response that suggests that I've misread a need, I'll consider it, I'm not perfect, if I get a response that says that need doesn't need to be met, I'll disagree, but unless I need to communicate strongly to someone to back off and name a parenting style to indicate that, then saying it's AP would seem quite defensive.

AP for one child is smothering for another, because AP is about needs not rules.

[mamazee]

I am trying to picture what smotering a 12-month-old looks like, and I'm having trouble. More details would work.

I have known people who seem to go beyond AP in the name of AP. I know someone who refuses to drive the car if her baby dd doesn't seem to want to be in the car, even if a sibling misses something, even if they miss a doctor's appointment, no matter what. She calls that AP but I don't. I think you keep working to help the little one handle car rides, but you can't put the rest of the family's lives on hold until the baby hits 3 or whenever kids relax about the car. That's the closest I could think of, but I don't know if it falls under the category of smothering. I would just call it unrealistic or unfair to the other kids or somthing like that.

Making a kid co-sleep who doesn't want to co-sleep? Not letting other people ever hold or interact with the child for fear that would cause problems with the parental attachment? Withholding solids from a child who clearly wants them so they only breastfeed? I don't know. I guess maybe those kinds of things would qualify.

[sapphire_chan]

I think it's more common for people to be accused of smothering when they don't force a baby to go to other people or introduce solids at 4 months or make the kid cry to sleep.

that said, it is weird that she'd say it was because of AP and not just that it was right for her child. That might actually be the line right there

[Bena]

Originally Posted by Kuba'sMama

So basically like pp said meeting the child's needs and not making the child meet your own.
Smothering has negative connotations to me, such as hovering over a happily playing child, spoon feeding and eager self feeder, dressing a child who wants and is ready to dress themselves, protecting the child from "dangers" which don't exist... etc, etc.

My feelings exactly.

This post comes from the fact that I've noticed some of these exact behaviors with my friend, and it makes me uncomfortable...(for ex:she spoonfeeds him, claiming he won't eat by himself, but I've seen him play with a spoon and bring it to his mouth; another time, we went to a playgroup and she held on to him though he was wiggling to get to a toy; and last week, at my house, I gave him a stacking tower and she sat on the floor next to him and "showed" him how to use it)

But, like I've mentionned in the original post, I'm not going to do anything about this, as I don't think it's any of my business...it just got me thinking.

The "smothering" vs "AP" is due to her "justification" of alot of her behavior on "We're doind AP". I completely agree that smothering can associated to any parenting philosophy.
As for the helicopter parent thing, I agree that a "smothering" parent does not necessarily become a helicopter parent later on, and I'm sorry if it seems like that is what I implied. I do think, however, that they are similar behaviours, regardless of how you call it, and that it can hapen at any age (except, of course, in the case of young infants...but even though a 12 month old is still a baby, they are at an age where they do have abilities that they need to be allowed to develop, andI think smothering happens when we get in the way of these abilities, IMO)

[alegna]

I think they are totally different things. To me, AP is parenting in a manner to foster an appropriate attachment- wearing when baby wants, not forcing separation before baby is ready etc. For dd that meant that I didn't leave her with even dh until well into toddler-hood, that was dd. Ds was fine hanging out with dh by a few months and Grammy and Granddaddy by a year.

Smothering is *not* respecting your child's needs and appropriate development.

It is neither appropriate to force separation nor constant attachment.

-Angela

[PlayaMama]

this is her first right? when i was a mom the first time around i really freaked out if my ds fussed in any way whatsoever and put the boob in his mouth at the slightest provocation because i didn't know what else to do. i also let him explore on his own (which it sounds like she's not doing) but i was afraid i'd damage him if i left him in another room and he started to worry.

the second time around, i know that i can have a minute to go pee if i need to and i don't have to nurse when i'm doing it. i'm more relaxed and i don't worry that my dd is going to become "unattached" if i don't respond to her within seconds any time she raises her voice.

i hope she'll relax a little bit as she grows as a mother. i did.

[Tjej]

It sounds like she's a first time mom who is blaming her parenting choices on AP. Next time she does it, you could kindly and naively ask her how that particular behavior is a manifestation of AP.

The toy thing totally irks me when people do that - toys are for kids! I think it is a perfectionist tendancy that makes a person do that. Could be perfectionism in the feeding thing too. I consciously battle my perfectionism, so I STOP myself from doing these things.

Lap squirming, I'll give her my benefit of the doubt and say I've had to hold squirmy babies who seemed to want other things for reasons that would not be obviously apparent (the kid was really too tired to play and would be a bear if actually let down to play, for instance, but then again if I only had the one kid then I'd have just gone home).

Tjej

[mata]

As the mother of a 10 and 6 year old, I long ago decided I prefer the term "intuitive parenting." For me it means putting aside ego, understanding my own unmet needs and not projecting those on my child, and really getting to know what they need most. Sometimes that happens seamlessly, sometimes I make mistakes. Smothering to me means a dependency is created.