Where is this anger coming from and how do I handle it?

[vermontgirl]

Any advice or input would be great here.

Suddenly my 3 1/2 year old is displaying some really different behavior and I am sure it is a normal phase he is going through but I am at a loss of how to deal with it appropriately.

He has always been more on the aggressive side and in the past several months has come a long way. He still hits/pushes/takes toys away from his little sister but now when I intervene and discipline or talk to him he gets SO angry. He gets this angry expression on his face and yells at us in a really angry voice. He calls us names (sometimes calls us stupid which I hate, but other times they are not insulting things at all) He doesn't seem to understand that we are not disrespecting him, we are disciplining him or speaking to him because of choices he made.

Here is an example of something typical that would happen:

He will hit his little sister with something and run away. I will call him over and try to speak to him about it. He will yell at me in a very angry voice and say, "You can't say that to me! You are stupid!" I will say to him calmly that he is going to have to have some quiet time and sit on his bed for a little while and read. He will hit me and yell at me even more and keep calling names. Sometimes he will even start screaming and won't stop for a very long time. He also says things like, "You are not the boss of me! I am the boss of me!"

I am keeping calm as much as possible and trying not to let it bother me but it is happening too often.

Any ideas that may work, or at least things to say to him so he understands where I am coming from?

[LynnS6]

I think the anger is coming from the fact that he knows he's done something he's not supposed to do, and is feeling bad.

I would stop talking when he does something like this. Instead, I'd scoop him up, bring him up to his room and say calmly, "it looks like you need some quiet time. I'll see you when you've calmed down." Then walk away.

Once a child has lost control, talking right then often does not help. When he's calm, or at another time altogether, talk about other things he can do when he's angry, other than hit.

[starlein26]

In these instances, I typically give the aggressor time in (hug, reading a book, kiss, snack...) We talk about being angry/jealous/frustrated with the sibling in question and what a different solution might be, then it's lather, rinse, repeat many times a week. Some days are AWESOME and some are NOT. In my house, I just haven't seen good results with time outs when it comes to sibling problems...it seems to cause more of a rift, yk.

Good luck, this is the HARDEST area of multiple children for me, the sibling rivalry. I feel that my job is to help them solve the big issues and allow them to attempt to resolve the small ones. It's a steep learning curve for sure.

ETA: In cases where the aggression is excessive (not helped by my intervention), I'm usually dealing with a tired or hungry child or both.