Boys in the girl's room?

[noinstructions]

I read the open/closed door thread but would like to discuss this subject a little more.

I'm a custodial stepmom to a 17 year old stepdaughter who has a boyfriend (who is 19 and out of school). He doesn't spend any time at our house, he picks her up and they go to his house. He lives with his mother, and I suspect that they go there because they are allowed more privacy.

I am conflicted about my feelings - I'd like them to feel comfortable hanging out at our house, but we have had the house rule of "no boys in the bedroom" here. If they are here, they have to be in public areas, and I have 3 young children that get super excited when we have a guest, so they definitely don't get any privacy. I don't think we're keeping them from doing anything (sexwise) and what we have is a teen that doesn't spend time at home.

I guess I feel she is at the age where she can make decisions about sex and her body herself - she has been educated about the consequences and takes the pill - so is it silly to have a "no boys in the room" policy at this point?

My husband seems to accept my advice on issues like these, and she doesn't speak with her mom. I'm wondering what you all think?

[MeepyCat]

It's not a silly rule at all.

Look, no, you can't stop her from doing things sex-wise. If they couldn't go to her boyfriend's house, they could go somewhere, whether that's a deserted parking lot or a quiet back street. That doesn't mean that you can't have and enforce rules in your own house.

[MusicianDad]

I guess my question is why do you have that rule for her if you have no concerns in the sex department?

I ask this because that is really only reason I can see for having that rule, unless there are other serious issues that have come up in the past. I can also understand not wanting to stay home with the boyfriend if younger siblings are going to be all over you and your boyfriend.

[SilverFish]

i don't have teens, but your post reminded me of when i was a teen myself. of course you have the right to make rules and enforce them in your own house, but i do think the result being that your teen isn't spending any time at home is a big deal too. my parents are and were strict christians, so as far as they were concerned, i had no right to be having sex at all (i actually ended up getting kicked out of the house when they discovered i was having sex)... so i applaud your stance in that regard. anyway, i felt increasingly distant from my family during the two years i was dating my last highschool boyfriend, because i didn't get any privacy at home and my parents really didn't make any attempt to have my boyfriend or my friends really feel comfortable there. my little sister monopolized the family room and harassed us in general (excited about guests, like your little guys)... my mom monopolized the living room, and my dad just kind of glared at everyone. at his house, his parents didn't let us go into his room and close the door, but we did have privacy in the family room, AND his mom worked, so there was a lot more time without adults in the house. not only that, but they made me feel welcome for meals, and while i'm sure they all knew what we were up to down in the basement family room, we always got treated with respect. so, yeah, i basically spent two years living at someone else's house and missed out on a lot of time with my family that i now regret. i know my parents regret it too... after we repared our relationship after the whole getting kicked out business and agreed to disagree on that issue, i finally felt like my family valued spending time with me and my signifigant others over their own rules.

anyway, i think you do have to decide what is more important... strictly holding on to your household rules, or risking more distance between your daughter and your family during this important time. there might be some compromise that you could arrange with your daughter if you have an honest conversation about your concerns. maybe they can be in her room with the door open or ask that she check in with you periodically while he is visiting (not that teens have much shame when it comes to sex, but i certainly wouldn't want to be having a convo with my mom right after DTD...). perhaps you could be more strict with your own kids about leaving the two of them alone. but absolutely i think you should let her know that you value having her spend time at home and want to have her and her boyfriend around a lot more often. it would have made a big difference to me to hear that from my parents at that age.

*by you i mean you as a parental unit, obviously, since she's your step-daughter.

[Chamomile Girl]

Yeah, I don't really get having that rule either. I mean, she is 17 not 13. Have you asked her how she feels about having that rule?

[noinstructions]

That's a fair question, musiciandad. I don't care if she has sex, as long as it's not in my house? But I'd still like her to be comfortable when her friends come over.

I also always have the fear that I am not doing the right thing, as she is not my biological child, like the correct instinct may not be there.

[noinstructions]

Silverfish,
Thank you for your very thoughtful post. It really helps me a lot.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by noinstructions

That's a fair question, musiciandad. I don't care if she has sex, as long as it's not in my house? But I'd still like her to be comfortable when her friends come over.

I also always have the fear that I am not doing the right thing, as she is not my biological child, like the correct instinct may not be there.

You could have a "no sex in the house rule" and of coure the result if you find out that is happening is that the no boys in the bedroom rule kicks back in. Or as a previous posted mentiond, just have a door open rule for the teen and keep the kids out of her room.

I would also sit down with her and talk about it. Explain where you are coming from and you, DH and her can come up with a solution that you all agree on.

[noinstructions]

Thanks - we lifted the ban, and the teen is very pleased that we trust her - but the boy has yet to come over.

[lab]

Thanks for this post!

My son is 16 and while I will allow girls in the bedroom - the door needs to be open. Of course - so far the only girls were friends - so it hasn't been a big deal.

Anyway, I'm navigating this area myself and appreciated the feedback.

As to the question regarding your instincts - I think you are super. With teens, I think it isn't so much instinct as being willing to listen to them and work with them. Willing to change your perspective given the right communication.

Gosh - if I listened to my instincts I wouldn't let him drive!!! YKWIM!?!?!