Processing.

[Dea]

HI everyone.
I've wanted to write my birth story, but I can't.
I know I should be happy that I had my VBAC, but I'm having troubles sorting out in my head what happened. (I know what happened, but I have to sort out what it means to me) It was my 2nd failed homebirth, it was a long labour (27 hours), I had an epidural-- something I never wanted.
Now I'm having troubles with breastfeeding, which was expected.
I'm sure I'm just hormonal, but how does everyone else deal with it?
Other issues too..
why won't my body work properly? I can't get pregnant without a lot of help, can't breastfeed, can't give birth naturally....
How do you keep your deep attachment to your toddler with a newborn in the house? I don't want Trixie to suffer, but I want the same attachment with Hudson. And how do I help Trixie process it all. She's having separation anxiety from me, since I was away from her for 2 nights. The first time she was me I was holding Hudson, and she was so wary of me.
Oh dear... I'm a mess.

[JayJay]

Cuddles, cuddles, cuddles. And tea. And anything else "comforting" that you want. You're right - your hormones are in overdrive now and everything is going to appear magnified and confusing. So cling to things that are real, including:

Cuddles, as mentioned above
Tea or other warm,soothing beverages
Comfort food - really necessary these first weeks
Good conversation with people who love and care about you
HELP from people!
Letting go of a clean house (it WILL be clean again one day, promise!)
Warm baths
More cuddles...

With these measures, all is possible. Soon you will be able to find the energy to write out your birth story and do all of that processing.

As a fellow VBAC'er I can say that through all the hormones, and the tiredness and the newness I am SO glad I'm not having to fight to stand up straight. It's SO nice to be able to walk around properly this time...

*HUGE huge* XxXxx

[Kidzaplenty]

Just wanted to offer you a .

[nolonger]

crashing from Trixie's DDC

It's okay to grieve. I'm not a midwife and I wasn't there, but I remain unconvinced that it was your body that failed you rather than the modern birthing industry. Yes, you are hormonal and your first priorities need to be your health and your children, but it is okay to research and learn and begin to prepare yourself for your next child's birth and mourn for what you have lost.

The epi goes along with the pit; please don't feel guilty about doing what you had to do to avoid another surgery. I would also not consider the 27 hour labour "typical" for your body, considering the stress you were under and the difference I observed in my own UC from my more medicalized births. There is no reason at all to believe that you can't have a successful homebirth next time, which would not necessarily be the case for a HBA2C, even if it was just for liability reasons for the midwife.

The bonding and babymooning is different for second and subsequent children. It's okay. Trixie had your sole focus but Hudson has the wisdom you have gained from experience. Both children are loved. I also need to compliment you on what an excellent father you have provided for them and mention that this is a normal, natural, and age appropriate time for Trixie's relationship with her father to strengthen and take on a new depth.

Please be easy on yourself during this time of transformation, but do know that your feelings are valid and that they are there for a reason and that you are a very strong, courageous woman who will use these experiences for the benefit of your future children and to help other women in similar situations.

I wish my car would make the trip so I could give you a flesh and blood shoulder to cry on instead of just a virtual one.

[chai]

I don't have much good advice (you've been given a lot already!), but wanted to offer my empathy... and also mention that you might consider reading up on PPD...

My first birth was extremely emotionally traumatic for me, and I didn't realize it at the time but I definitely had a PPD reaction that probably lasted for about the first year. I think I also had some PTSD. It took me probably 3 years to really feel like I had come to terms with the birth. Lots of talking about it with people I trusted and *allowing* myself to feel the "bad" feelings is what got me through it. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel... just let the feelings come and they will eventually pass.

[Lizbiz]

Hi Dea,

Well... first off, a big hug to you. It's harder than most of us let on to adjust with a new baby around, much less having dealt with a tough birth on top of it. Of course it's wonderful and magical too - but it's utterly overwhelming and there are so many challenges, right? Like sleep deprivation, for one! That makes everything else we are doing that much more difficult.

How do I deal with it? One day at a time. (or one hour, at times ) And, yes, lots of hot tea. And I continually tell myself to let go of my expectations - this has been really key for me. Things just don't go exactly as we would like. I got quite sick after delivering Rosie, and I was so dissapointed. It was hard - I was really looking forward to a smooth post-partum period after a smooth birth - didn't happen. I had to let it go. And then I got sick again. Now I'm better, and I'm crossing my fingers.

I also have a toddler - and yes, he and his dad are getting LOTS of time together! But as time goes on, (I'm almost 6 weeks post-partum now) - I've got more and more time to give to him as I get into a groove with my baby. Give it time and the space will come in your life to share more of yourself with Trixie. In the meantime, do what you can and have the peace that you are giving her a great gift in her brother! It's a blessing to have siblings.

Keep processing, and hang in there. It will get better.

s

Liz

[jillmamma]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

I am glad you got a VBAC, even if it was not the way you ideally wanted it. It must be tough trying to recover, bond, and all that at once. Some things that really helped me last time when I had a newborn and a 2 year old to meet the needs the best I could for everyone were:
~ use the sling for the baby a LOT!
~ tandem nursing...even though sometimes that meant nursing together, sometimes separate, it helped my oldest knowing his "muhs" were still available
~ sitting on the couch with a big stack of books...I could nurse/hold the newborn and still give the toddler a lot of attention...helped that he really loved books too
~ go outside a lot (not sure what climate you have, but DD(4) was born at the end of summer, so it helped getting the 2 year old out in the back yard so I could sit in the lawn chair with the baby
~ watch dvds ...sometimes you just need a little time for sanity or to help the 2 year old settle down for a nap
~ eat takeout/frozen pizza
~ forget all but the most basic of housework...as in, oh well if the 2 year old leaves some toys out or the bathroom does not look perfect
~ let daddy do a lot with the 2 year old
~ have the 2 year old "help" when possible...pick up something the baby dropped, get a diaper for a change, give baby a kiss to help him feel better, etc.

I hope you are able to heal and recover in all ways and get to enjoying your little ones. Thinking of you!

[Gray's Mommy]

I am sorry that you didn't get the birth of your desires. It is hard when that reality sets in and starts hurting.

In time you will be ready to write your birth story. You don't need to rush it. As a doula I have learned that while some births look so "perfect" on the outside, but the mama sees things in a completely different light. While you got your VBAC, it didn't happen on the terms that you wanted. That is okay and it really hurts.

I have also learned that my job (as a mama and a doula) is to listen to the mama's body and how it is doing during labor. Many labors have ups and downs and as protectors of the mom--we have to honor them. Sometimes things change for the better and other times they get more challenging.

Again, we have to truly listen to the mama and what her body is telling us. It sounds like you did just that when you decided that you needed to transfer to the hospital from your home setting. It sounds like you did exactly what needed to happen to allow your VBAC to happen.

Grieve over the loss of what you wanted to happen and then, in time, you will begin to see the beauty in how you gave birth to your newborn son. It may not be the perfect birth or your perfect birth, but it is Hudson's birth and you will be proud.

[smokeylo]

Dea, I don't have any pearls of wisdom since I'm dealing with the same issues with Robin and Holly and feeling pulled in many directions at once. Mostly I feel like I'm failing at everything, even though there's ample evidence that I'm doing fine. We have to be gentle on ourselves.

Which is hard. But we will get there.

[Faliciagayle]

Originally Posted by smokeylo

Dea, I don't have any pearls of wisdom since I'm dealing with the same issues with Robin and Holly and feeling pulled in many directions at once. Mostly I feel like I'm failing at everything, even though there's ample evidence that I'm doing fine. We have to be gentle on ourselves.

Which is hard. But we will get there.

[Dea]

HI everyone,
thanks for the encouraging words and the support, it helps.
Today I was better. I'm still trying to give Trixie all of the time she deserves and give Hudson what he needs and deserves as well. Luckily Trixie is the kind of girl who will roll with the punches. Today I was nursing the baby and she crawled onto the sofa next to me, laid her head in my lap and fell asleep. She's never done that, it was sweet. I'm glad that she knows that if she needs me she can just come and claim me, I have 2 arms, and 2 babies.
I also had a nice chat with my doula and she helped to sort some stuff out.
I also decided that I'm not going to talk about my birth with anyone until I'm ready. I know that some of my husband's extended family is chomping at their bits to know how it went down. They think I'm a little out there when it comes to my parenting ideals and I know they want to know if I had a homebirth or whatever.
so today was better. YAY!
again, many thanks!

[smokeylo]

Dea, I think it's wise to take your time. Even with my first birth, which was the home waterbirth I'd wanted, I needed some time to process the experience because it was long, hard and painful. After about a week I was at peace with it, and a few weeks later I found myself speaking of it in glowing terms. Time heals, and helps us see the good over the bad. Your VBAC is no small achievement, and I agree with NOS that it puts you in a really good position for your HBAC with the next one. Really, what you experienced is so "first time" since it was so long and hard and you hadn't labored before -- with the second, your labor should be much shorter and less exhausting, so it seems to me like you are positioned really well to get your homebirth. Just my 2 cents!

[Dea]

Hi Lauren!
thanks!
I'm doing better. Still not ready to write it all down, but I can think about it now!
I did labour with Trixie, for about 12 hours on pit, with no epidural, then the emergency c-section. Sigh.
Hopefully next time will be better. I really need to learn to get out of my own head when I am labouring.

[Happiestever]

Hugs mama.

[smokeylo]

Originally Posted by Dea

I really need to learn to get out of my own head when I am labouring.

It's hard! It hurts!! Maybe a doula with hypnobirthing experience?? xoxoxo

[Usually Curious]

I'm sorry. I'm going through something similar. I've even been avoiding the DDC because I just cannot process my labor/birth right now and don't feel like I have anything to offer y'all.

I'm trying to participate today.