When do you get used to it?

[curiouscanadian]

When do you get used to being on someone else's timetable? I mean, when DS was first born it was understandably a shock as I came to realize that my time was no longer really my own. Ever. As a parent you're on duty 24/7 for the rest of your life. Even when you're not there, they're in the back of your mind and you have a timetable of when you're expected back, y'know? But more to the point, your little being also has their own schedule of events that often trump any of yours. When do you get used to that?

I heard it called "mother shock" once, as a play on the term "culture shock", but, well, you eventually get over culture shock and DS is coming up on 18mo and I'm still having mother shock issues. I just can't get over the fact that no matter how carefully I try to plan our day (and I try to keep it pretty flexible), sometimes all it takes is one twist or one delay to the schedule and it's all messed up. SO FRUSTRATING!!! I don't consider DS particularly high-needs, but he's never been a "go with the flow" type, and sometimes I just feel like such a selfish mother for just wanting a break from his needs. (Oh boy, how selfish does that sound! )

I don't know if I explained it well enough (I had a rough day and my brain's fried) but I think it's essentially a yearning for a smidgen of the freedom I had before kid. While I wouldn't trade having DS for the world, I miss that part of my life . If you made it this far and understand what I'm getting at, can you please tell me this feeling doesn't last forever or that you eventually at least get used to it?

[LynnS6]

It doesn't last forever and you do get used to having to schedule your time more carefully.

My kids are 5 and 8 now and I've got a lot more freedom now than I did 2-3 years ago. Someone wanted to meet me for coffee today and it took an hour more than I thought it would -- they were fine without me. Three years ago, I don't think I could have easily gone for coffee with someone for 2 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

At the same time, I do have to be more careful about how many things I schedule. It's hard on my kids if I'm gone more than 1 evening a week. It's gonna be a rough week because I need to be gone on T and F night and dh and I going to a party on Saturday.

[minkleaf]

I was just thinking today that I need to try not to get so peeved when they don't keep to my schedule. After all, I am the one saying time to do this or that, they may want the activity but they don't care as much about punctuality. And sometimes it's not anything they care about, just something I need to get done. I guess what I'm trying to say is after 6 years, I'm ready to go by my schedule but need to keep others desires in mind too.

And as far as the evening and bedtimes - DH has put DD2 to bed a total of one-time-ever. And there was crying involved so I'm still willing to sacrifice my nighttime freedom for my kids' peace of mind.

[Violet2]

I know what you mean!

I do try to get out of the house or have DH take DD somewhere so I have a large chunk of time where NO ONE NEEDS ME!!!! It's awesome, but doesn't happen a lot (we're sooooo busy, it's hard to fit in me time and meet our other goals such as finish the house remodeling).

Anyway, as DD gets older, I feel less confined so it gets better. I think. I mean, I basically go nowhere now so I think I have become used to my shrunken world vs. reclaimed my freedom, kwim.

V

[Skippy918]

For us, it's more of a, if we don't go out now, we won't be back in time for DS's nap. He naps from 12:30ish thru 2. It makes scheduling things and going out on weekends kind of tough.

[ollyoxenfree]

I'm sorry to break it to you, but I have teens - 13 y.o. and 16 y.o. - who are pretty independent, comfortable on public transit, get back and forth to school and many of their extra-curriculars on their own - and yet I am still always conscious of their schedules, and making compromises with my own. Partly because they don't drive yet, and we have nasty weather right now, so I'm on call as a taxi driver. Partly because they have an active schedule right now, with school group projects and extra-curriculars. Whatever the reason, though, I'm aware that they rely on me and I like helping them out.

Of course, it's a different kind of compromising and a different kind of demand than with infants. Nonetheless, when you are living with others in your home, you will always have to consider their needs and wants as well as your own.

LOL - I guess for me, the answer to "when" is "when they move out".

[SunshineJ]

You don't? It does get better though. I was a SAHM until DS was 4 and DD was 2, then I was able to get a part time job with flexible hours, about 20-25 hrs a week. I fully admit it was great to be able to be at work and go to the bathroom without worrying if the kids were occupied and knowing that no one was going to walk in on me! For my personality, after being run on their schedules for 4 years, a little break on that was welcomed! Right now they're 5 and 7, and it's a LOT better! Yes, I have a schedule to keep with them between activities and school, but I also have a few hours a day that I can manage all by myself without worrying about their immediate needs (though the thought that they may get sick and need to come home so keep my phone with me is always in the back of my mind!). I've found that as they get older, I still have to be aware of their schedules, but it's more like accomodating DH's schedule than the constant drain.

I'd say I saw big jumps in things getting easier when they hit around 2, then 4 and then school age. And yeah, it's easy to go a little crazy those first couple years from it. We all *know* having a child is a significant change in your life, but the constant day to day loss of having time to yourself is something I don't think you can really prepare for!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by curiouscanadian

sometimes I just feel like such a selfish mother for just wanting a break from his needs. (Oh boy, how selfish does that sound! )

You don't sound selfish to me at all. Do you get regular breaks from your little guy? Do you ever go out with a friend and leave him with his dad? Go see a chick flick or something? Do you and your DH ever do a date night? For a while, we traded off with another couple -- they kept all the kids one Friday night and we kept all the kids the next Friday. It was GREAT.

Have you checked out mother's day out programs where you live?

I think 18 months old is old enough to start carving out some space for yourself!

[meemee]

what your post tells me is you need some of your time. to do your thing. you are not getting that at all. any chances of anyone helping with babysitting?

i was lucky that at the cost of sleep i managed to find time to do things that i was happy with at home after dd went to bed.

just that little time doing simple things helped me A LOT!!!!

it really helped that dd was a go with the flow kid. plus she gave up naps early so she was happy and easy to take along to 'my' kinda of things.

[MCR]

I don't ever remember being on my own timetable. I've been a parent for 21 years and the youngest is just 5. If I have no one to shuttle, or take about with me, I think I'd be lost On the rare occasion I'm alone, I find I get to appointments too early and get the groceries done in record time.
Surrender to motherhood, it's really tough to do, but once you do it makes life so much less stressful.

[galincognito]

i absolutely don't think you sound selfish!! i sometimes still have a hard time with what you're describing and i have two kids!! but my kids are still little (dd1 isn't even three yet) and i'm hoping that things will get better as they get a little older. it can't be like this forever, right?

[curiouscanadian]

Thanks everyone for all the replies. I guess it came through in the post that it's more than just this particular issue at the moment. I'm a WOHM again since August and I'm really struggling to cope at the moment, let alone find any sort of life balance. While I would agree I need more time for me (with or without DH), I'm really struggling to fit it in. Heck, I've been trying to get out to a movie with DH for a month and we have yet to make it!

So having to make what time I do have work around DS's timetable just gets a bit old some days, y'know?

I was kind of afraid that the answer to my question was going to be "when they move out" as one pp said, but it's nice to hear it does get better!