I'm slowly realizing that ds1 is a high needs child

[oceanbaby]

I have been slow to come to this realization because he doesn't have behavioral problems, never has. Never had tantrums, even as a toddler. Adjusts well to new situations and new people, has no problem with independence, etc. Plus, when it's your first, you kind of don't know anything different. I thought ds2 was just a really mellow kid. No, he's just more "normal." Ds1 needs constant stimulation, excitement and entertainment, and I am exhausted.

He is soooooo high energy. Not hyperactive - he can sit and concentrate when he's interested in something. He can follow directions and all that. It's just that he always wants to be doing something, and it usually is something that requires the participation of others. Since I am the main "other" (besides his younger brother) who is home during the day, I am exhuasted. He never tires out.

Friday we were out the door at 9am, did an hour long ranger walk, played hard on the beach with other kids for 2 hours, hiked to a cafe and had lunch, came home to change, walked to spanish class (which is very active), and played at the neighbor's house. When we finally got home at 4pm, he wanted to know what was happening next.

Thursday he had Shakespeare class (very physical acting class which he loves), and then 4 hours at homeschool park day, complete with creek exploration and sopping wet clothes. It ended with him begging for a playdate that evening.

Wednesday we spent 7 hours at the Academy of Sciences, and I had to drag him out of there.

The two days before that we were on vacation and he did all day ski school two days in a row, in a blizzard, begging for more.

Aaaahhhh!

I have tried filling our days with classes and outings and playdates, but then nothing gets done around here - no cleaning, no cooking, no time to just decompress. Plus, the constant negotiating, questioning, challenging, arguing - good lord. I have a headache half the time. He NEVER stops talking!!!!!

He spent the night at my mom's last night, so it was just ds2 at home. Oh. My. God. It was like night and day. We could all just kind of move about our day at our own pace. Yes, I still had to tend to ds2 and clean and cook and play and all that, but it is just so different. As soon as ds1 arrived back home, everything just took off at the stellar pace at which he runs.

I don't want to send him to school. He is so interested in everything, and we do the most amazing things. But I am realizing that a lot of my exhaustion and frustration is due to trying to meet his energy demands, and it's having a negative impact on the whole family.

We are all tired, and I am finding myself snarking at the kids all the time. Ds1 is asking to go to school. I know he's going to miss his cool classes and park days, but I think I am going to let him. And I don't think the small, calm, private Montessori school is going to cut it. I think he needs the largess of the local public school. I just can't believe I am finding myself here.

[CariOfOz]

s You haven't come to this spot lightly, and you are here because you're thinking of what is best for both you & your son. Sometimes we just have to let go of our ideas of how things were supposed to be I guess, and go with what will work best for everyone. I hope *everyone* will be happy with whatever you choose!

[ambersrose]

My oldest daughter is very similar. She is always wanting to know what is next. She also wanted to try school and I let her. Most of my local homeschooling friends were not supportive of my decision but I sent her and I am glad I did. She is now back home but she knows that school is not where she wants to be. She attended public school for five months. She did not come home from school tired in the least either and extra activites were still required on top of school. Good luck! I understand your exhaustion.

[Aeress]

My oldest is a bit high needs, she is also a perfectionist and as the first born I always wondered if I encouraged her to be so high needs.
She likes the constant activity and the go-go-go and is always asking "what's next?' be it next meal, next activity, next thing etc.

As 1 of 3 she has had to wait and learn about other people's needs and schedules. She recently told me she liked it when it was just the 3 of us because we got to do stuff with just her. And we did, we did a ton of stuff with her, for her, and included her in everything.

Bella went to Pre-K and Kindy and thrived and if not for kindy, I think I would have lost my mind because I had a 3 yr old and an infant (at the time). I know if i sent Bella back, her social needs would be greatly fulfilled by others and it would take the constant go, go, go off of me. (I have considered it).

How old is your son? Bella hasn't been as high needs in the last year, she just turned 8. Though whenever we go somewhere, no matter how hard I try to not let her move from one thing to the next, my 2nd child is so mellow that she follows her sisters plans. Our field trips often sound like this, "what's next?" even before we have explored that area she is planning the next are to go to. It drives me nuts.

Sorry that got long winded, my point was that I think your son may love and thrive in school but sometimes age does help them mellow a bit and they aren't so go, go, go and sometimes I think their personality is go, go, go and not much will get them to slow their pace. I would encourage you to talk to ds about how we all have needs, and how can we meet his needs to be on the go while making time for Mom and Bro. Following the go, go, go child's pace is very hard- I know. A frazzled Momma is never a good thing, you need balance to and so does ds- he needs to balance his life too.

[kathymuggle]

First off - if you both think school may be a good place for him next year, you should give it a go. If he likes it - great! If he doesn't, he can come home. It is that simple (although we often complicate things).

I look at your list of activities and I am envious. You have done an amazing job of finding and doing really cool stuff. Can I be your daughter, pretty please??? lol I do think school will have a very hard time competing with all you can offer, but maybe he needs school to learn that?

(said gently) I do wonder if you may have set up unrealistic expectations. People do need to learn to self entertain and enjoy some downtime - and I am not sure he has learned that. It is impossible to keep up the pace of running around all the time - and that might be something he needs to learn.

Even if you do send him to school next year - it might be interesting to see how a change of pace affects him. It could be that everything you do is feeding his frenzied pace - and he cannot self regulate in this area. Does that make sense?

I would experiment with trying to have x number of outings per week. For me it would be 3-4. This includes all classes, field trips, etc. He probably will not like it at first - but as he gets used to a quieter pace and entertaining himself - he might be easier to live with.

I do get he is social and high energy - but there is no reason the high energy part cannot be met by him building something in the yard - or whatever catches his fancy. It does not have to involve you or an excursion.

Good luck! And NO GUILT - no matter what you decide to do

[zeldamomma]

I agree with KathyMuggle about cutting back to see if he gets better at entertaining himself with a little practice. Something that might help with the transition-- make sure you have a calendar somewhere he can see so he knows what your plans are for the week.

For the days when you go and go and go, and he keeps asking for more, is it possible that he needs help transitioning to quieter activity, and he's asking for more social stuff because he doesn't know how to make the transition himself?

Hope you're able to figure something out that works for everyone!

[4evermom]

Maybe school will be great for him. Certainly something to consider.

But even my high needs extroverted kid has gotten used to being at home and having a slower pace. He was always a kid who needed constant interaction. But he is finally occupying himself for good chunks of time. The baby I could never set down... The toddler with whom I had to be in arms reach... The boy who still cosleeps... There are some strategy computer games he finds engrossing and he builds with legos a lot. It is possible for such kids to adjust. I think this is a particularly good age (your ds is just a little older than mine) because they are so much more capable of doing projects independently.

[Mittsy]

My oldest, Catharina sounds very much like your son, although not quite as intense. I say if your son is asking to go to school, and not just because he wants more friends and "it's what everyone else is doing", and you're ok with it then give it a try. We are not there yet, Catharina has NO interest in going to school, and I have no interest in sending her there.

Good luck to you both!!

[oceanbaby]

Ds1 will be 9 in May.

It's not that he can't entertain himself. He can. It's usually loud and active and messy, but he can. It doesn't always last very long, and there's usually something that ends up requiring my participation. However, if tv or computers are involved, he can entertain himself all day. He is very very physical, so I do try to make sure we have sort of physical outing each day, or he is just a bigger ball of energy come nighttime than if we don't.

I feel like I'm always choosing between no interaction or such intense interaction that I am exhausted immediately. So I can keep putting him off to do his own thing, but if we play games together, or sit down and do school work together, or bake together, or what have you, it's just so much!

I don't know what to do. I don't want them to go to school at all, but with ds1 asking (adamantly, I might add), and a nagging feeling that I might be a much better mom to both of them if he DID go to school, makes me feel like maybe I should give it a try.

[kathymuggle]

why does he want to go to school?

kathy

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

However, if tv or computers are involved, he can entertain himself all day. He is very very physical, so I do try to make sure we have sort of physical outing each day, or he is just a bigger ball of energy come nighttime than if we don't.

OK in the examples you gave in the OP you definitely had hours worth of physical outings so I guess I am wondering why, when you get home and he asks "what's next?", he doesn't have some downtime watching something or playing on the computer and you take some time to unwind. I can understand him not wanting to leave a place or wanting to bring a friend home, etc. but from what you wrote it sounds like once you are home he will happily settle into watching tv or playing a computer game.

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

why does he want to go to school?

kathy

For the social aspect. Plus, we live in the suburbs now, and it's kind of the center of everything, which he has picked up on. The first thing kids ask him on Little League or soccer teams or whatever is "What school do you go to?"

About watching tv - we watch very little tv, and I've worked really hard to not have it become a habit that it comes on every time we get inside the house. There are times that I allow it, but not as a regular decompression.

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

About watching tv - we watch very little tv, and I've worked really hard to not have it become a habit that it comes on every time we get inside the house. There are times that I allow it, but not as a regular decompression.

It sounds like it might be a really good way for him to have some downtime though it doesn't have to be TV (we actually don't have tv reception at home, though DS watches it elsewhere sometimes), it could be a dvd if you are worried about content or commercials or a fun computer game. I think for some kids it can really be a relaxing way to unwind and stay somewhat stimulated at the same time. It seems a shame to limit that so much and then feel overwhelmed by his need for stimulation.