Looking for honest, non-judgmental feedback/experiences

[Annie Mac]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...rth-child.html

So this is the article. I'm curious to hear about others' experiences of fathers present at childbirth, especially from the fathers' POV, if possible. My husband and I had always planned on having him there. I find he's the most comforting person to have around me when I'm frightened and I also trust him completely to advocate on my behalf, if necessary. But he was listening to NPR one day and they had a show discussing the fallout of fathers attending the births of their children. We talked about it, and mostly dismissed it as being unlikely. However, just the other day, he was at work talking to a co-worker (female) and she asked him if he were going to be present, and then proceeded to tell him horror stories about all the women she knew who were now single mothers because their husbands couldn't handle, and didn't anticipate, the different ways in which they viewed their wives now that they had seen the birth. He's still planning on being there, but is now wondering if he should just stay close to my head rather than actually watch the birth. That's fine with me...I have an OB to do the actual catching and I don't need him for that!

Anyway, just wondering what people think of this, and if anyone has actually experienced either longer/harder labour (as this article suggests) as a result of the father being there, or are there any men out there who are willing to discuss their (lack of) sexual attraction to their wives after seeing the birth?

[maryeb]

Having my husband support me through both my births was incredibly intimate and comforting. He also caught our second baby and it was probably his best day ever. We have a great sex life, sorry, tmi, but there it is. We had homebirths. I can imagine he wouldn't have felt so comfortable or solid, or helpful had we had hosp. births with male obs, or other nurses/obs trying to manage my labor. That would have gotten in our way of laboring as a couple. Does that make sense? Mary

ETA: you can read my birth stories at www.lovenaturalbirth.com I detail my hubbie's involvement, if you or your dh want to check it out.

[emnic77]

My dh was there at our DS's birth. He watched EVERYTHING. Our sex life is great, he was unphased and even remarked to me in the hospital just hours after birth that I should snag a couple extra pair of the mesh undies they give out because he thought they were super sexy

He was wonderful during labor, he knew exactly what to do to help me with very little instruction from me. I can't imagine not having him there. We are doing a homebirth next time and he will of course be there for that, though he's said he doesn't think he wants to catch because he's worried he will drop the baby.

[MamaMelis]

Originally Posted by emnic77

My dh was there at our DS's birth. He watched EVERYTHING. Our sex life is great, he was unphased and even remarked to me in the hospital just hours after birth that I should snag a couple extra pair of the mesh undies they give out because he thought they were super sexy

He was wonderful during labor, he knew exactly what to do to help me with very little instruction from me. I can't imagine not having him there. We are doing a homebirth next time and he will of course be there for that, though he's said he doesn't think he wants to catch because he's worried he will drop the baby.

I'm LOL'ing, my DH thought those mesh underwear were pretty hot too!

For us, I would never ever want to labor without my husband. He has said that he cannot imagine not being present at the birth of his child, and would feel robbed if he somehow missed our babies birth. He was VERY nervous about it, and having now been through two and approaching our third labor and birth, we are both really excited. It made us even closer to experience the miracle of life together, and to welcome our children into the world together.

This time we are planning a home birth and we could not be more excited about it. As to the sex life thing.....lets just say that if we did it much more I would probably hurt myself To say that we have a healthy sex life would probably be an understatement.

[philomom]

My husband was incredible during both my births. We have a great relationship and a great sex life.

[Carlin]

My husband was great support at my DD birth. He was behind me, but saw everything in the mirror that we had set up. It hasn't effected our sex life, and if anything, it made our relationship stronger.

[jeminijad]

DH was decent at DD's birth.

But DD was a hospital birth, with interventions. DH is from an allopathic medicine is the answer to all problems kind of family, and needles/monitors made him relax.

I worry about how he'll do at my next birth, which is to be a planned HB. Worrying is not good for birth.

I think that Odent is correct in that men who don't want to be there, or are turned off by the process should not feel like they have to be. Also, if the mother doesn't want the father there, that is fine. I feel that birth is for women and always has been.

[Gena 22]

Didn't get a chance to read the article yet. It's a family urban legend that my dad fought to be there all through my mom's labor and birthing me. Easy to picture, it was important to him and I bet he was awesome.

Still, I was on the fence about having my DH there for our HB. He's not all that great when out of his element. And birth is definitely out of his element. But I wasn't hard line about it and he was there through the whole thing. Actually, I do think our HB was harder on him than me. He ran around trying to manage the MW's assistants who were making a mess of getting the birth tub set up, all the while anxious about how things were going. They were touch and go.

Finally, when it came to pushing, the MW asked him to hold a flashlight. More of an honor than a need, but he certainly was up close and personal for every little thing.

So although he didn't really help me, NOT having him there would have been more of a distraction. And he was part of an incredibly important moment. 2 years ago today . . .

It would have been a bad idea for both of us to have him miss it. That's just our relationship, and our culture to some degree.

Hasn't affected sex at all.

FWIW, I wasn't sure about having my mom present or a doula either. My mom turned out to be SO GREAT! Much calmer than I would have guessed, and so supportive. And my doula was the best! Sometimes it's hard to know. But err on the side of including. You can always send them on an errand during labor if necessary.

Good luck!

PS - I read the article, and although it's trying to be contentious, I pretty much agree with what he's saying. It helped me to know that DH was in and around the house, but not "bugging me" at all during labor and birth. He stayed to the back and only helped when I asked. Also, that was one of the things that bothered me about my doula and MW assistants, when they interrupted my fugue state to tell me to vocalize, or do this or that. I was doing what my body told me to. Don't make me think and discuss things!

So yeah, he's on to something. But I'm not sure about the emotional reaction stuff on the part of the dad. My DH is very proud to have been there for the birth itself, and would have felt very left out if he had been asked to miss it.

[fruitfulmomma]

Our oldest was a homebirth and my husband caught him and cut the cord. He has assisted with all of my births and is working on making baby #6 so I'd say no problem here! I couldn't imagine not having my husband's support during labor and frankly I'd be really tempted to schedule a section if I knew he couldn't be there.

[MegBoz]

I think this is a good Q and I think it's smart to discuss in advance. Certainly, I can see how a man might worry that possibly, watching a baby come out of his DW's vagina may make him perceive said vagina as 'not so sexy' anymore.

I personally was concerned as well, but as we took Bradley training & as time went on, we both started to look forward to birth more & more (& previously, I had dreaded it! Thinking it was only ever gross & unpleasant!) DH even watched birth videos on YouTube on his own & got teary-eyed! (& he's one of the least emotional people I know!)

Eventually, HE got the idea to want to catch DS -which he did!

Our sex life is great & he even wanted some action the day after I got home from the hospital!

The moral of the story is to keep an open mind, keep communication open, don't push, be respectful of his feelings. If he wants to stay by your head, so be it. I would just encourage him to think about these issues! His knee-jerk reaction may be, "EW, GROSS!" because that is the culture we were raised in!! It takes time & introspection to overcome our upbringing in this way, IMO.

DH says he doesn't have a problem at all seeing my vagina as 'not sexy.'

HOWEVER - he DID get a bit "weirded out" a couple times about BFing. I'm an A-cup & always have been. If it had been a few hours since I'd BFed, they'd be nice, big round, probably near C. of course, he thought this was very sexy (hey, they did look hot!) Then he'd see me latch on DS & his brain would get a little confused - wires crossing!!! Of course, he watched me latch on DS over & over. But he's OK with it. He just had to not look at my breasts when I was 'stacked' like that . (Now that DS is 18 mos, they don't get engorged like that anymore anyway.)

***Don't take that to mean he didn't like me BFing! He was unbelievably supportive - provided way more help than the awful hospital-LCs! It's just that a few times he found my breasts arousing, then when he saw me latch DS on, it was a little "weird." But it only happened to him a couple times. For the most part, it was no big deal, not a problem.

[claddaghmom]

Birthing with DH was amazing. Seriously, the wedding, the honeymoon? Nothing compared to the feelings I had for him as he helped me. Afterwards I would literally tear up looking at him. I'm sure some of it was the birth high of course.

I also know he was an important, nay, vital factor to me remaining home and birthing vaginally. He *knew* what I needed without asking. He walked me through contractions. And he was stronger than the MW which was essential when helping to move DD past my pubic bone.

Odent's comments bother me on a lot of levels, but I've already hashed it to death on FB.

[goldfinches]

Honestly, yes, my DH was a bit freaked out by how big the baby stretched me out during delivery. He talked about it every once in a while afterwards. But, it didn't affect how he viewed me, physically. He still thinks I'm hot!

I wouldn't want to go through labor without him. If I had to deliver with only one person, I would pick him over any medical doctor any day.

[Cetan Luta]

DH wasn't especially helpful or supportive during DS2's homebirth because it was his first birth (my second) and he was having a really hard time dealing with watching me suffer so much. That said, he was very present during pushing, cried when son was born, and we all ended up soo much closer and more bonded through the experience. He bonded better with our son from seeing him enter the world, and had a much greater respect and sympathy for me after having actually witnessed what it took to birth our baby. Oh, and our sex life is better than ever. I think if you have your husband watch a few birth videos so he can be more prepared for the messy realities with someone else's parts before it happens to yours, he will probably be able to deal with things better. It also helps if your expectations of him and his support are not too high the first time out, so there isn't as much pressure on him to be the perfect protector or support person (They expect this of themselves anyway), it will make things easier. Maybe even have a specific support person other than him in case he has a hard time dealing. That way your less likely to be irritated with him if he's not as suportive as you (or he) would like. Either way, I highly reccomend having hubby there if you are both willing for the sake of family bonding. Plus you'd hate for him to be sorry later that he'd missed it. JMHO

[Gena 22]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

HOWEVER - he DID get a bit "weirded out" a couple times about BFing.

Me too, exactly! Ha, ha!

[Xavismom]

I would not have made it through labor without my DH. DS was posterior, and especially transistion was really hard. He did not leave my side for even one second of my 30+ hr labor. The last 11 hours, he did counterpressure for my hips to the point where he was shaking and pale, he never gave up though. We were incredibly connected emotionally, and I felt very intense love for him, and I felt very much so that it was 'our' labor. DH watched the entire time I was pushing, caught DS himself, and cut the cord. He said watching his son being born, and being the first to hold him was the best moment of his life.

DH has said it was incredibly beautiful, and says the same thing about me BFing DS. We are much closer because of the labor, and I actually feel much less self concious about my body around him than I did before.

[MyBoysBlue]

My DH was great, but I didnt really need him for physical support. I really went into a zone and was really just focused on the process. But he was there to watch over me and he even caught our 2nd DS, cut the cord both times and he just really took care of me. Our sex life is even better now that we have kids. He has an all new respect for my body and its abilty to grow, birth and nourish our boys.

[DashsMama]

Didn't read the article, so I'm just responding to your question.

My dh was at all my births, 1 hospital and 2 home. I would say that it was a very bonding experience for both of us. I got to see him change from a laid back guy into a loving, protective daddy, and he got to see me be a strong, powerful, goddess. The first few minutes right after the babies were born was especially intimate and wonderful since we got to welcome the boys into the world as a couple, and even spontaneously sing to them.

I think it is important to note that I had a doula/midwife as labor support for all my births, so my husband never had to feel responsible for helping me deal with pain, or stressed about making medical decisions. He just got to be there to hold me when I wanted, and witness his childrens' births. The pressure was pretty much off of him. I highly recommend getting a birth doula.

[moonglowmama]

Honestly, the things I think would make a man more uncomfortable with birth are some of the more common interventions that frequently happen in a hospital setting. Seeing someone you love hooked up to a beeping machine and receiving IV fluids looks scary. I've witnessed a few episiotomies and that is really horrifying to watch someone you love being cut on their most private area.

Not to say that a person can't overcome those experiences, especially knowing in advance what to expect. If your dh can manage to remain connected to you, and the things in the hospital can blur away, I think you'd both find that it is one of life's most engaging, beautiful moments when you are bonded and sealed together in a way you never knew you could be.

fwiw, we have home births, but I've attended a few hospital births with friends, so that's where I'm coming from. Also, once I went in after a miscarriage because I thought I was hemorraging, and the ob was extremely bad with me- I've often described what he did to me as rape because it felt invasive and abusive like that. For dh, that was one of the worst experiences ever, because he witnessed someone he loved being hurt by someone in a place of power.

So, my recommendation is to really talk about how you want your birth to go, and how you can maintain connection to each other throughout. I think visualizing it together is a good thing.

[Annie Mac]

Thank you, everyone, for the great (and reassuring) stories of your experiences. The idea of a marriage breaking down because of a shared birth experience seemed ridiculous to me, but it's not something I've ever done before, so what do I know? Maybe it's some dirty little secret that no one ever talks about! I think I need to make it clear to him that I don't need him there in a birthing capacity, but just in a supportive capacity. The thing about "being in a zone" that could be interrupted by talking makes sense to me as well -- I never quite understood the "WE are pregnant" or "WE delivered a baby" thing (except as a nice verbal way of encouraging inclusivity within the family) -- as far as I can tell so far, of the two people in this marriage, it's just ME who's pregnant. Thanks again! It's great to hear such positive and sweet stories.

[SashaBear]

My hubby was decent during labor. He tried hard! LOL Anyway hubby was right there during pushing and would move to watch DS. He did tease me later because I made a little poop. LOL I could have done without knowing that! He cut the cord
He even found my c-section fascinating, until he realized out daughter was dying.

We have had no sex problems, except caused by ME! Breastfeeding didn't freak him out either. The details are TMI of that though!