Looking for honest, non-judgmental feedback/experiences - Page 2

[etsdtm99]

i think if i had showed DH this article before our first was born, he may have agreed.. well, maybe not until after she was born.. anyway, he was a bit traumatized by watching her birth .. for her birth he wanted to just be there and watch but the nurses kept pushing him to support me and talk to me, and he knew that was not what i wanted so he didn't listen thankfully, the last thing i wanted in labor was to listen to him talk.. after hte birth he was tired (more so than i was) and just felt lost like he didn't know what to do i think the nurses were making him question his purpose when going into it, we had a plan (everyone leaving me alone) .. anyway the 2nd time, we were more prepared for that and he stayed out of the way, and he was more prepared for what he woudl see and it didn't bother him so much.. - this time, we are planning a homebirth and while i want him to be home, he will have jobs other than supporting me.. above all, if its night time and i'm in early labor, he will be sleeping - i don't want him staying up and being all tired after the baby comes.. he will be the host, in charge of checking on the kids (who will be with my mom), i don't need or want him for labor support and he knows that.. so.. really, i agree with the article.. in an ideal world, my DH would like to see this birth because he has seen the others, so why not, right? but he doesn't need to be right there during labor..

[thefreckledmama]

Well, I'd like to weigh in from a different perspective, my husband having NOT been in the room for our first, but was with our other two.

To this day, one of his biggest upsets was NOT being present for the birth of our first child-he was in the waiting room.

It wasn't even that he was especially supportive or attentive during the birth, his perspective is purely being able to see his child take his/her first breath of life. That's not something that can ever be duplicated.

I think in the case of worrying about him being grossed out or surprised by what he may see, all that is needed is a little preparation. Watch graphic videos of labor and birth-not the "above the pubes" versions like on TLC or Discovery Heath. Take a good childbirth class, where all things labor/birth are discussed and NORMALIZED. The most important thing to remember is that he doesn't HAVE TO be looking at your vagina while you're giving birth. He can focus on you, and if he's up by your head, there's not much he'll see anyway.

I just went and asked my husband to weigh in...he said that not only does he hate that he missed being in the room when our oldest was born, but his father also feels the same way about missing his first two children's births-back when men weren't allowed in.

He also said that seeing me physically give birth has had absolutely no effect on how he views me sexually, and that "any guy who does is just immature and probably shouldn't be having sex anyway."

[wbg]

I think it is a totally unique and personal thing.
For me...I simply can not give birth without DH!
Seriously...never actually hit full blown labour until he gets home!
When he is there, labour progresses fast and I am calm...well most of the time!
When he leaves the room, even for an instant....I seem to panic! Not sure why, because when not in labour we are both very independent. He is always calm, and quiet and a wonderful presence. I trust him more than any care provider in terms of giving me inner strength.
I have no idea if his presence affects his relationships with our children as he has only ever been there so I have nothing to compare it to. Our sex life has never been impacted by it and I was quite afraid that it would be. Quite the contrary, our relationship seems to intensify and strengthen with each birth.

Oddly enough he does get grossed out by other people's births! Not at all interested in any birth pics or videos that I sometimes want to show him. But totally unfazed by our births.

[cappuccinosmom]

All three of my labors were short, even though my dh was there and he is *not* the type to be a sweet, comforting labor coach. He just kind of...stood there.

Watching our sons born did not lessen his esteem or desire for me in the least, either. All three of the births actually seemed to up his respect and love for me and marked very tender, wonderful times in our marriage. But, too, his view of sexuality, and of beauty, are very different from most Western men and his perception of me is wholly uninfluenced by Western ideas of beauty (lucky for me!) so watching the births, and seeing on my body the after-effects didn't bother him in the least.

[mntnmom]

I think any time we say "never" or "always" we miss it. My DH held my leg for pushing and cut the cord with the first 2, and caught the third himself. I'm preg. with #4 and our sex life and marriage have never been better.
That said, every person and relationship are different. I'm sure some women will labor better alone, or in the company of women better than with their husband. I don't doubt that some husbands are traumatized by seeing birth, and there may be a very good reason why men are traditionally excluded from birth in most cultures. But it doesn't sound like your husband has any reservations *of his own* about being at the birth, so I say go for it. If he wants to stand by your head, that's okay too!

[babygirlie]

I did have a friend tell me after labor her husband no longer touched her and his views on sex changed. i didn't want hubby there for that reason and also didn't want anyone seeing me make a poo which I didn't.

My hubby fainted when I got a blood draw once. Down hard. So I honestly didn't think he would make it. He's also not a great advocate but i had bad back labor and his fists saved the day (push in and it helps so much).

In the end he was the only one there (along with a herd of people in green) and he didn't faint and watched the whole thing. However, when he saw the dr grab the scissors for the episiotomy he started to go down and had to walk away. But he recovered and he has no qualms about sex and usage thereof. He was worried that stitches could make a woman smaller and it did, which for me is not a good thing.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

This is actually something I have thought about a lot.

Dh was very "turned off" by pregnancy the first time around. I found this to be VERY hurtful and distressing-- I felt like, "Okay, I no longer fit the "feminine ideal," but in a few months I'll be back to normal again-- what happens when I'm old and plump and gray?" It was a really hard time in our marriage, and we kept having arguments when I would be like, "SNAP OUT OF IT! You love me, get over this mental block you have."

I found it so upsetting that I told him I wanted to have a frank discussion of what it would be like for him to see the birth. He told me he really did not think it would have an effect on him, and I took him at his word.

He was awesome It was really a healing experience, in some ways, from the emotional difficulty of the pregnancy, and we look back on it as a hugely important bonding experience in our marriage. He was proud of me for coping so well and making it through with no pain meds, and I was proud of him for being so supportive and going so long with no sleep (and no oxytocin, even!)

I don't think that seeing the birth had any effect on our sexual relationship; in fact, as soon as I wasn't pregnant anymore (still with a significant post-partum stomach, too), his "issues" went away, and we were both emotionally ready for sex long before my body was.

Oh-- and, for whatever reason, this pregnancy has been much better.

[SilverFish]

i've read that article and been thinking about it for a while, especially after my sister had her first baby about a month ago. i think odent's main point should have been more about preparation, rather than strictly discluding men from the birthing room. my mom was present for my sister's labour, which did not go well and ended in a c/s... i try to take my mother's comments on her son-in-law with a grain of salt, but she was really surprised at how unprepared and unhelpful he was to the birthing process. now, he really is a great guy, and a good husband to my sister, but i can see how just following the current trend of having the guy in the room, but not requiring that he be prepared in any specific way could be a hinderance... i don't think he was particularily interested in the specifics of the birth process, and was actually confused that the OB and nurses didn't start offering drugs and surgery earlier into the 24 hour labour! having someone like that, who is emotionally invested in the birth (and i doubt he'd have wanted to miss seeing his son born), but not educated on how best to support the main players would lead to a higher incidence of interventions and surgical outcomes. my BIL is probably pretty typical of the mainstream too... i would guess that a lot of women on here are much more educated about their choices and have taken it upon themselves to educate their partners. if i wasn't so educated about how i want my labour to unfold, and what i think the ramifications of following the mainstream medical model are, i highly doubt that my husband would have been able to or interested in gathering this info on his own... certainly the typical 3 session birthing classes that many couples do these days aren't going to prepare the male partner to truly support and advocate for his labouring partner in a meaningful way.

anyway, i don't think Odent is really talking about the emotional support that male partners offer, or that they don't need or want to see their partners give birth, but that anyone that is in the room with a labouring mother needs to be an educated and prepared presence... so automatically including someone who isn't can hinder the process.

hmm... i just realized this is a longer form of the other article i saw. i guess it does sound like he's more adamant that guys are not emotionally capable of dealing with birth than the edited article i read previously. i do appreciate that he mentions that there hasn't been any academic research into the affect that automatically including the male partner is having. it would be interesting to see if there is a correlation betweeen that and the rise of medicalized births.

[JennTheMomma]

Dh was amazing for DS' birth. We had a birth center birth with a male OB. But as you know, most OBs aren't there until the end. So DH held my hand the entire time, he kept the room peaceful, he kept me secure. DH was near my vagina the entire time. He saw DS come out, and he started to tear up. That has not affected our sex life. We have a very active sex life, even now when I'm 29 weeks pregnant. DH says it looks the exact same down there as it did before we had kids. We're having a homebirth this time and DH wants to catch baby. I can't imagine giving birth without him, I would have been so scared. I don't want to give birth with just a bunch of women around me, or by myself, or with just a Midwife. I want the people who I love to be near me, to comfort me, and to embrace in the birth of a new life with me. And that is my DH (amongst a few other people). This is something that needs to be discussed with each couple. I'm sure for some a man can hinder the birth, especially if you're not on good terms. But a loving spouse, probably won't. I could never imagine getting a divorce because my DH saw me give birth. If anything, it has brought us closer together. Starting a new path in life, and respecting eachother more, not just as a partner, but as a parent.

[tanyam926]

This makes me sooo angry I probably can't even articulate what I want to say.

First of all, I think it's much more likely that the stress a man feels from seeing childbirth comes from seeing the woman he loves being in a strange environment (hospital) and treated in a demoralizing way (not listened to or respected, told what to do and when, managed and "saved" by the medical community, etc.).

IMO, most ob/gyns and hospital births (there are exceptions as always, but I'm speaking generally) make birth scary and stressful. Hmmm, could men be reacting to that at all????!!!!

My dh was present at the birth of our son at home. It was peaceful and calm, he was helpful and looked to our midwife for clues on what to do. It was relaxed and wonderful. There were no strangers in and out, no spotlight on my crotch while I pushed (in fact, I caught baby myself when in an on my knees position in the birth pool), no anxiety.

Plus, the assertion that the dad wanting to touch the baby after birth interfering w/the bonding btw mom and baby and hormonal things going on is just ridiculous. Why doesn't he speak out against the hospital procedures like putting baby in the warmer or unneeded c-sections that interfere????

Instead of kicking dad out how about we become a culture that respects and reveres birth instead of fearing it? It seems like common sense to me.

Surprise, surprise, someone in the medical community is telling women that they don't know what they are doing once again!

Sorry if my post is judgemental, disregard if it's not what you are looking for. Mostly I think the author (and medical community in general) is missing the point entirely and this article is ridiculous.

[GoBecGo]

I have immense respect for Odent, he is usually a very wise man. But i disagree with him on this issue.

I wonder if the couples who are more likely to see him (access or require obstetric care) are naturally more tense than those who went UC or had only a midwife or two. I wonder if HIS presence in the birthing room, as a "rival male" in that situation is what makes the men he described act as they did.

XP was fabulous when DD was born, and i think DH will be great at his kid's birth too. If any person i'd had a baby with told me they no longer wanted sex because they were weirded out by how my perfectly functioning vagina had looked i'd pack their bag for them. Seriously - put your big boy pants on and get a life! It's not a toy for my partner's joy, it's MY vagina, and if it just delivered his child safe into the world he can blimming appreciate it's perfection and put the Playboy images he was comparing me with in the bin where they belong.

[lilabet]

This article is written in the UK, where are lot of the interventions you talk about aren't routine. And I think the man has a point, I don't think I would want my partner at a birth again, he was just not comfortable and neither was I...

[mediumcrunch]

Michel Odent has done a lot to forward mother-baby friendly birth but I disagree with him here. I also find it a bit hypocritical as I have seen videos of him assisting a birthing mom in a very physical and intimate way, almost pushing the dad that was present out of the picture. TBH, it gave me the heebeegeebees.
That said, I really don't think there is a right answer. There are plenty of healthy marriages where the husband/father does not provide primary labor support and sometimes isn't even present. I think it is common to romanticize birth in that all fathers will want to be 'right there' and are crying when their baby is born and should want to catch the baby and cut the cord and all that. It does a disservice I think. Not all men )and their wives) want that for whatever reason. I myself and a few friends and relatives have felt let down that their husbands weren't the husbands they read about it birth stories or watch in videos and that really isn't fair. My husband is an individual with hihs own feelings, coping skills and reactions. Just because he isn't just like the 'ideal' new father doesn't make him a bad husband or father, just himself. Like I said, I used to be hurt that my dh didn't get all mooney and teary when our baby is born and is uncomfortable with being really hands on with me during labor. I've come to realize that if he did, I would wander who he was and what did he do with my husband. We've been married almost 18 years and I have never seen him cry, over anything. he doesn't get emotional-angry or happy-over much, he has a very even personality-balances me out-who is very emotional.
The point of this long winded response is: just as there isn't a one sized fits all way for women to cope with their labor and give birth, there isn't one right way for the fathers to approach it either.

[Romana]

I absolutely loathe that Michel Odent article. If it applies to you, great, but it does not apply to many couples.

The net fallout from my husband being present for the birth of our first child was the most earthshattering and amazing bonding for all three of us you could possibly imagine, multiplied by about 1,000. One of the first things he said to me about the birth when we were alone was "One moment there was one person I loved, and then the next there were two." He was totally awestruck and amazed by the experience and it really cemented that indescribable moment of becoming a little family.

My husband wasn't sure ahead of time if he wanted to see the baby actually being born, but in the moment he absolutely did and it did nothing weird to sex at all. Zero issues with any of that. I think the weird hangups described by Odent are highly misogynistic and most men and women don't suffer from those kinds of issues anymore.

My husband was by far the best possible support during labor and he and I handled the vast majority of both of my labors together without anyone else there. I cannot imagine laboring without him and would never want to do it absent his support, love and confidence.

[autumnday]

Originally Posted by SilverFish

anyway, i don't think Odent is really talking about the emotional support that male partners offer, or that they don't need or want to see their partners give birth, but that anyone that is in the room with a labouring mother needs to be an educated and prepared presence... so automatically including someone who isn't can hinder the process.

I don't know that this is exactly what Odent is saying (it's been awhile since I read this article, probably over a year ago!) but probably is what he is noticing. I'm not sure what childbirth education is like in the UK where he is, but I do know that couples that take a good quality class that really involves dad and prepares him, and them as a couple, for the birth and birth experience, and acts as a safe platform for couples to really discuss these issues, seem to fair much better and dad is able to support mom so much better. When dad feels that he has an understanding of what is happening in the birth, he can be more relaxed.

Just like any other aspect of birth, whether or not dad is present will be highly variable from couple to couple, to say that dad's should never be in the birth room is akin to saying that all women need an epidural, and there are plenty of us here who know that is certainly not true.

Just for the record, my DP really loved being at the homebirth of both our children, made the midwife explain all about the placenta after it was birthed, twice, so he could get it on film the second time, and still tells everyone how awesome it was several years later. And having seen both children born didn't effect any other aspects of our life.

Hope the rest of your pregnancy and your birth are wonderful!!

[KaylaBeanie]

I can see how he is giving a voice to some men and women, but they definitely are the minority. For some anecdotal evidence, my SIL had a 4 hour labor with my first niece, my brother being her main support. He was in Iraq for their second daughter, and her labor was something like 10 hours long. Still not bad, but 2.5 times longer without her partner.

Given the lifestyle/values I have, I find it highly unlikely that I would marry someone who had birth hang ups. When I have children, they aren't just mine...they're his too. Short of extreme circumstances, I think it would be unfair (in my opinion) to keep the father out. That being said, I do plan to have women for support because I feel like the expectation of being the one and only support system can be a bit stressful on some men, and I wouldn't want that to get in the way. I want my DH to enjoy the birth when the day comes, and I feel like splitting back-rubbing or tub-fulling duties with my mom or best friend will take some of the pressure off, making everyone feel better and more relaxed.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

XP was fabulous when DD was born, and i think DH will be great at his kid's birth too. If any person i'd had a baby with told me they no longer wanted sex because they were weirded out by how my perfectly functioning vagina had looked i'd pack their bag for them. Seriously - put your big boy pants on and get a life! It's not a toy for my partner's joy, it's MY vagina, and if it just delivered his child safe into the world he can blimming appreciate it's perfection and put the Playboy images he was comparing me with in the bin where they belong.

I totally agree!

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

my perfectly functioning vagina

I love this phrase! So true! Giving birth is what your vagina is supposed to do! Seeing it function perfectly shouldn't be a turn-off.

[MyBoysBlue]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

Seriously - put your big boy pants on and get a life!

This was pretty much my DH's reaction when I told him how some men have problems having sex with their wife after witnessing them giving birth.

[BeckyBird]

Am I the only one who did NOT want my husband around, lol??

We spent the entire day together, as I labored....shopping, eating, walking, etc. I was not embarrassed while I was having contractions, mostly because they were not bad at all. I wasn't sure if I were in real labor, or just prodromal labor!

Once we arrived at the birth center, and my water broke, things got intense. I got in the tub, and still was not embarrassed by the contractions. However, once the pushing began, I sent him out of the room pronto! I was too embarrassed to let him see me like that. Good thing too, because I did not go #2 all day long, so guess what happened when I started to push? Yes, that's right!

In my case, I was the one who did not want my husband to be there during the birth. He was so supportive the whole day, right up until I gave birth. Honestly, one of the reasons I was embarrassed was because I've heard the tales of husbands who view their wives differently after giving birth.