How to get dd to restrain affection

[SunshineJ]

DD is a wonderfully outgoing, affectionate and free spirited 5 yr old. I love everything about her and wouldn't change a thing, except I need to. She's spontanously affectionate, and it's fine when she gives her teachers, classmates and our friends hugs. However she does it to people she barely knows as well. For example, mom was up to visit and had the kids playing at the pool in her hotel. There was a guy there who interacted with the kids for a while, throwing a ball for them or whatever (I wasn't there. Mom was right on the side of the pool watching the whole time.) and when it was time to go, dd ran over and gave him a hug goodbye. Even though I didn't see it I TOTALLY believe it because that's just exactly like her. I don't have a problem with the way she is, but I do have a big concern on the problems this could cause. I mean really, if she's going up hugging strange men, then it's something that could lead to an unsafe situation. (DH and I know how she is and when she's with us we now automatically will step in and have her say thank you rather than a hug depending on the circumstances, etc., but mom wasn't paying attention.) I don't know that this is something she'll outgrow. I do NOT want to teach her that her enthuasium and love for life is wrong and I don't want to dampen down her beautiful spirit, but I need to get across to her that it's not always a good idea to hug everyone. Any suggestions?

[woodchick]

We've been dealing with this with our 3.5yo as well. We haven't quite figured it out yet either! One thing that we tell her is that "many people need a little space and don't love hugs. How about a high five instead!"

[SunshineJ]

Originally Posted by woodchick

We've been dealing with this with our 3.5yo as well. We haven't quite figured it out yet either! One thing that we tell her is that "many people need a little space and don't love hugs. How about a high five instead!"

What a wonderfully simple and direct idea! I was raised in a house where I'd have been told something like "You have to stop going up and giving people hugs" and when I'd ask why the reply would be akin to "You just don't do that, it's a bad thing to do". Obviously this isn't quite the way I want to convey it to my dd!

[MamaFern]

this is my 4 year old! she loves people. she makes friends so easily but often wants to hold their hands and hug and be "best friends" at first meeting. in some ways i really think its wonderful. she has friend who were very shy and who she has helped bring out of their "shells" so to speak. sometimes if another child gets upset by her affection she really gets hurt feelings. she honestly doesn't understand what she has done wrong and then we talk about how sometimes people are uncomfortable with hugs and holding hands and we should just talk with them instead of touching..she gets it, but i think if she found a friend with as much passion as she has she would be over the moon! i try not to tell her not to be so because i love that about her. she is a spark of light and energy and love and spirit.

[One_Girl]

I think you should tell her that she needs to only hug family. I didn't do this with dd until she was halfway through kindergarten and I wish I had done it sooner because it makes people really uncomfortable when a child runs up and hugs them, especially when they are beyond preschool age. What used to be cute affection started turning into people looking at her like she was hideous and it was damaging to her. It took a while to help her understand that in our society we show affection to only family and very close friends. I don't think anything is wrong with hugging and I wish that we lived in a society that didn't view affection as a sign that something is wrong with your child, but we do and I really encourage you to protect your child from the meanness that will start coming her way as she gets older by redirecting her hugs and affection to the people who are most willing to have hugs.

[mama2mygirl]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

I think you should tell her that she needs to only hug family. I didn't do this with dd until she was halfway through kindergarten and I wish I had done it sooner because it makes people really uncomfortable when a child runs up and hugs them, especially when they are beyond preschool age. What used to be cute affection started turning into people looking at her like she was hideous and it was damaging to her. It took a while to help her understand that in our society we show affection to only family and very close friends. I don't think anything is wrong with hugging and I wish that we lived in a society that didn't view affection as a sign that something is wrong with your child, but we do and I really encourage you to protect your child from the meanness that will start coming her way as she gets older by redirecting her hugs and affection to the people who are most willing to have hugs.

I don't agree at all. My first grader hugs people. Not everyone but she hugs a lot. The other kids all hug. Maybe we just know really nice kids?