My almost-6-year-old spit at a friend

[carfreemama]

Dd spit at a friend today when we were out for lunch. We were with him and his mom, plus another friend and her mom. Since we were literally about to leave the cafe to go back to school, I couldn't do what I normally would; which is immediately leave and go home.

I did take her aside and talk to her. I told her what she did was completely unacceptable. She did apologize to her friend, but only because he was (rightfully) on his way to tell his mom. I didn't see it happen. She told me she did it "because he put an x through my name on the chalkboard." Anyway, we talked for a bit and I apologized to the mom and her son.

Is that enough? We went through this a bit a couple of years ago and then I thought we were done. I'm really trying to parent without punishment, but just not sure if I dealt with it enough. Should I be canceling some event this week or something? I don't know.

Dh thinks I should talk to her again this evening. I do think I want to explain to her that we would have left the store if we hadn't been going right back to school and that in future, if she spits again we will leave immediately, the first time; whether we're at a party, playdate, whatever. I am perfectly willing to follow through with this. Does that sound okay? FWIW, life seems good in general; no special behaviour problems or stresses that I know of.

[philomom]

I would remind her again that we do not spit at people. Spitting is for toothpaste only.

[Llyra]

I think it would be okay to re-visit the issue again later, but keep it positive. Let it be more like, "wow, you sure were mad at XYZ. You know you shouldn't spit, right? What CAN you do when you get really mad at somebody?" and explore some options with her for how to relieve her feelings without resorting to something anti-social like spitting.

I've had a lot of luck with DD1 (who's 5 1/2) with talking over options for what she CAN do, and going over it a lot, so that when she's in a situation when she's furious, she's got choices that are more acceptable and don't hurt anybody. We combine that with the clear consequence of if you hit/spit/bit, then we can't stay, and it works pretty well.

Ideas that have worked well for her: it's okay to stamp your foot. It's okay to make an assertive statement like, "I'm really MADDDDDD at you. I don't LIKE that. Don't DO that." It's okay to go to an adult and talk about how mad you are. It's okay to turn your back and walk out of a situation. It's okay to avoid being with the person for awhile. It's okay to (away from the person, later, where they can't see, and you don't tell about it later) draw a picture of the person and then tear it up.) (DD likes that one a LOT!) It's okay to cry if you really feel like you need to.

It's not okay to hit, spit, bite, call hurtful names, scream, break anything, knock anything over, etc. It's also probably not okay to stick out your tongue, wiggle your rear, (yes, kids here do that) or shake your fists, although these are preferable to actual violence. It also probably isn't okay to start trading insults.

You may need to have this conversation a thousand times before she really internalizes it, but it does help. I've been so proud to overhear DD at her bus stop having an argument with somebody, saying, "I'm so MAD at you. I don't want to sit by you until I stop being so MAD at you," exactly the way I've taught her.

But no, I wouldn't drag it out to canceling some privilege on another day or something. I think that it's better to deal clearly with the incident, right after it happens, and then make amends and move on, rather than potentially courting resentment by dragging it out too long.

[mamazee]

I wouldn't bring it up again. You mean it as a warning so she's prepared, but she'll probably just take it as a threat. I would just skip that step, and leave if it happens again. Also, if you say "next time this happens" you're telling her you think it will happen again, and kids are good at fulfilling expectations like that.

[carfreemama]

Thanks for the reminders, mamazee and Llyra! I think I'll leave well enough alone, like you said. Maybe I'll just do some general work on managing and expressing anger over the next little while, rather than tying it to this specific incident. FWIW, after I had our little debriefing right after it happened, I did hear dd go up to her friend and tell her "I'm sory I spit. It really hurt my feelings when you..." Better beforehand than afterward, obviously. Generally we haven't had too many problems, but maybe I just need to do more teaching in this area. I guess I just figure she's almost 6, and we have had these "you can do..." conversations over the years. I thought she pretty much had the hang of it. She's been spending a lot of time with this friend and they generally get along well; but they've been teasing each other a lot lately, too. For whatever reason, dd is more inclined to spit than hit when she's really mad. Can't quite figure that one out. I really like dd's friend and his mom, too. I felt really bad this happened.