would you drop this midwife?

[youngnhappymamma]

At my last appointment (27 weeks appt), I was very emotional. I have been having a SUPER hard time with birth decisions this pregnancy...I was seriously considering a hospital birth with epidural (something I've never had) so I started seeing a CNM who delivers at the hospital. All our visits were fine, she seemed nice, supportive, etc. But at this last appointment, I told her (while bawling my eyes out) that I just was so unsure of what to do...that I was dreading giving birth but REALLY nervous and afraid of the possible side-effects of an epidural. She said she couldn't make that decision for me. Understandable. Then I said that if I was just going to have another natural birth, I would probably prefer to have a homebirth. She said she would give me 3 weeks to decide and that she couldn't continue seeing me if I was going to have a homebirth. Again, understandable (well, except for the ultimatum and time limit....) My hesitation with going back to her is that she offered me no real support or empathy/sympathy or anything. I was totally crying my eyes out. She rushed me through the rest of the appointment (was with me for maybe 10 whole minutes) and she could tell I was still very upset and crying. So I'm confused! I don't know if I can have a homebirth yet (my HB midwife is working with my insurance company to try and figure otu if they will cover it) and my 3-week "deadline" appointment with the other midwife was for today but I post-poned it unitl thrusday. At this point, I feel like if I was going to have a hospital birth I would probably want to find a different care provider....what would you think?

[jennica]

I think that first you need to explore your feelings and figure out what you want and need for this birth. What is drawing you to a hospital/epidural birth? What is drawing you to a homebirth? Are there obstacles that can be overcome for either scenario? I can understand not being able to make decisions in pregnancy, it's something that has happened to me both times now. I try to make it really basic for myself - just make a list of pros and cons. I think after you decide where you want to give birth, then focus on who you want to be your provider. If you know that you want a hospital birth, then evaluate your choice of this CNM, and if you find you do not want to continue care with her, then you should look for a provider who you will be able to proceed with and form a trusting relationship with.

[aikigypsy]

You know, you don't have to have an epidural for a hospital birth. It sounds like that's what you're really worried about.

As for the CNM, she's a person too. She probably had a lot of demands on her emotions and her time that day, and might not have had the energy or time to be actively sympathetic. It's not necassarily a reflection on her professional competence. A doula would probably be better at the emotional support end of things.

Good luck making your decision! Personally, I would give the CNM another chance, but if what you truly want is a homebirth, you should probably start making arrangements for that.

[3tammuz]

What the gals ahead of me said: figure out yor feelings - the why and where. What is all the fear about? Do you really want a hospital birth or the epidural?

Think about a douala - especially if you feel like more emotional support is neccessary/helpful.

I am thinking the CNM was not as kind/cring as you wanted/needed at that moment, but that does not mean she should get the boot. Could have been a busy.bad day for her too.

[moonglowmama]

I agree with the pp, and would just add that when you see her next, if you are still undecided, tell her that you appreciated her advice and are still figuring things out; that you'd like to continue care with her until the issue is resolved. Just because she gave you 3 weeks doesn't mean that's all there is.

[Mama Lo]

Personally, I would have a hard time going back to that CNM. She may have had a hard day or whatever, but to me that is not a reason to not be caring. I want someone who, even if they disagree, will respect my questions, concerns and worries and try to help and support me.
When you are able to figure out what you want or can have, I would look into getting referrals for a new CNM or even OB who are supportive, caring and encouraging. What if she has a bad day they day that you go into labor? Do you want her showing up in that kind of mood? As a professional she needs to be able to put on a happy face and be what her patients need!

[Ola_]

Personally I wouldn't drop her if you want a hospital birth. You basically told her that you might want a homebirth, and if she only does hospital ones that that's basically like telling her you are leaving, right? I think it's good that she didn't try to persuade you to stay or give you any "scary" homebirth stuff, she left it up to you to make the decision. That's way more than you'd get from most OBs IMO.

I wish you luck in figuring out what the best route for you is mama!

[newmommy7-08]

I guess I'm the opposition, I'd drop her in a heartbeat. Pregnancy is a very emotional and strange time I expect my midwife to be able to be there for me, that's why I chose midwifery care. I dealt with quicky appts w/ an OB. I left that practice for that reason.

[WaitingForKiddos]

Let me tell you how my past few mw vist have gone...

I come in. MW gives me a big hug. We sit down and I start crying about my fears. Mw leads me back into a private room for privacy. I get to sit a bawl and tell her everything...even things like how I'm scared to have sex with dh...and she listens and nods. After going through a tissue box she tells me everything she thinks...normally stuff about my feats being normal, sometimes it's textbook stuff like when I was flipping out that my 3cm cervix was too short. We talk until I've gotten myself together. Then we go to the exam room and she feels my fundal growth, talking to me about light stuff like my pet chickens. When she pulls out the Doppler she talks to the baby "oh baby! Your mama wants to hear you! Oh listen to ghat! 170 bpm! Baby is excited about Christmas!". By then I'm calm so shell check my bp. We end the visit with another big hug and me deciding how long I can go before another visit. My first two appts I was still considering a hospital birth. Mw said that even if I choose to go to the hospital at the last minute (where she doesn't have privleges) I can just labor in at mw's birthcenter in the tub until it was time to go to the hospital. There's no time I need to pick where I'm birthing. If I hadn't had prenatal care with mw she would have let me transfer to het care at 32 weeks.

What I've described above is my standard of care. I wouldn't accept less. Mw wouldn't give less.

For me, birth and prenatal care is highly emotional. If I didn't fully jive with my ob/mw I'd find other care.

[laohaire]

Your MW is showing you who she is. She is not likely to be more emotionally supportive during the birth if she is not now. You can consider the whole bad day scenario, but honestly, she's going to be tired or whatever during your birth too. I am not criticizing her, I have my bad days too, but she's showing you either how she copes with bad days or just how she normally is - and either way, you're likely to see this again during the birth.

The question is, is that ok? It sounds like you need more emotional support than she is able to give you. So your options are to hire a doula to fill that need, find another hospital midwife that meets your emotional support needs, or move to a home birth with a midwife that meets your emotional support needs.

Don't get sidetracked by the whole deadline thing. Forget her deadline, it doesn't mean anything other than that she wants you to make your decision soon (which is fine). Don't rush into a decision you're not happy with just because of the deadline she dropped.

You do need to make your decision, though, and she's doing you a favor by pointing that out. But feel inspired by this, not pressured.

Do you want to talk through your previous birth experiences and your current fears about pain management? Bounce off of us