Middle child syndrome?

[tanyam926]

Do you believe this exists? How does it manifest w/your middle child and what do you do about it?

I just feel like ds2 who is 4 yrs old is having a hard time being the middle child. He's not the baby since ds3 was born and he sometimes says things like how he wishes we didn't have the baby anymore.

Examples:

-He is attached to me like velcro, but will sometimes play w/his older brother for a while if they are getting along. It may just be personality but I feel like he wants to be up my kiester 24/7.

-Although I feel like he gets tons of attention he is constantly seeking it. He is still nursing and wants to nurse CONSTANTLY. I have tried placing limits but he will cry, whine, and beg all day if I say not right now. I mean, he wants to nurse every 20 minutes. Part of it is boredom I'm sure.

So how can I make him feel special? It's hard to give him one on one time bc baby is really attached to me too and hates it when I leave him, even if it's to take a shower and I leave him in the living rm w/daddy. I know I need to do this though.

He is a very loving boy, sweet and cuddly, loves to please me, has a bit of a temper though and I would like to help him feel special and realize that his place in the family hasn't been stolen by his little brother.

[Sourire]

I'm interested in other people's experiences with having a middle child (or being a middle child) as well!

I would love to have 3 kids but DH refuses. His only explanation is because he thinks the middle child will be horribly scarred by being a middle child. Do you think this is true?

[cappuccinosmom]

I think there are some shallow generalities that can be made.

I do have a middle child, and he does demonstrate some "middle child" tendancies listed HERE (attention seeking, "class clown", way more easy going than his other brothers, independant). However, he was definitely not a hyper-attached baby, and in fact for about a year (between 4 and 5 yo) refused hugs and cuddles. Actually, he liked "cuddling" but it consisted of us lying down next to each other with about 5 inches of space between us, and maybe he'd allow me to hold his hand. He's since decided he likes the occasional hug and a real cuddle. One way I did make sure he got parental attention was to invite him to come to bed for a cuddle early in the morning. He has to get up early anyway to go potty, so he knows that any time he wants, he can head down to mama's room for an hours or so of cuddling. As a whole family, we also make sure to note each child's accomplishments, interesting thoughts, cool artwork, etc, so he gets plenty of positive attention, as much as the other children.

I think the mistake to be made is assuming that the "syndrome" is guaranteed and unchangeable. It's about family dynamics. If your family dynamics aren't in lockstep with the negative dynamics that supposedly lead to this syndrome, then your children's experience will probably be different.

[mamaluvs]

I've wondered about this myself. A friend of mine who has 3 children (either teenagers or in their early 20s) told me to have 4 kids if we were thinking of having 3 so there wouldn't be one in the middle. She totally thinks that her middle child has the "syndrome".

On the other hand, if you have 4 kids, do you have 2 kids with the "syndrome"?

Of course, I agree or at least hope (since I don't have any direct info about this) that family dynamics play an important role in the development or lack of development of this syndrome.

[Sourire]

Well there are 4 kids in my family (I am the oldest)... I really don't think either of the middle kids have any psychological issues from being in the middle. However, my youngest sister is another story. If anyone had problems based on the order in which they were born, it was her.

My mom only wanted 3 kids and since the time my youngest sister (the 4th) was born, my mom was pretty detached as a parent to her. As a result my sister seems to have spent most of her childhood and teenage years just trying to attention. She always tried to "annoy" us older kids (basically she just wanted someone to play with I assume). Even when she was 17 she would still have the most insane tantrums when she didn't get what she wanted... which was often.

In the last year I have seen a lot of improvement in her though. She is now 19 and moved out of my parents' house about a year ago. Me and my other sister had already moved to another city and she came to the same city as us. She is much happier being independant and me and her and my other sister hang out a lot and have really bonded now that we are all adults.

[Cian'sMama]

I had to chime in on this. I feel very strongly that these syndromes--"only child", "middle child" as well as birth order syndromes--are myths perpetrated by parents and society. I do not think it is intentional on the part of parents, but purely accidental. I think that if we parent in a thoughtful way, with good research to back up our parenting decisions/tactics-then we are giving each child the best start. As parents we can do everything right and things can still go awry for a child. This can happen whether you are the middle child, an only child, the firstborn, lastborn--whatever. There is a lot more at play in determining our personality traits than birth order.

Do your absolute best in parenting and have as many children as you feel you can raise well. The traits applied to a middle child show up in people for all sorts of other reasons. Having a fourth or deciding to only have two based on some old stereotypes seems really silly to me.

just my 2 cents.

[Heavenly]

I absolutely believe middle-child-syndrome exists. How can birth NOT affect a child? My middle child is not only a middle child but is between two very intense children (my oldest is special needs and youngest has issues). We find she is very attention seeking and often feels as if she is not important, or that she doesn't get as much attention as the other two. We have to make a very conscious effort to reassure her that she is just as important as the other two. If I could do it over I would have only 2 or have 4. 3 is a difficult number.

[ChetMC]

Birth Order

I agree that birth order impacts a child's experience growing up. And being the middle child can be hard when you have an older sibling who really does see the benefits of being older and first at stuff, and a younger sibling who legitimately does draw attention just because they are the littlest There are good things about being older and being younger, and when you're in the middle I'm sure you can't help but notice sometimes that you aren't either.

We have four kids. Often in the morning, getting our oldest ready for school is the priority, and then the baby usually needs something next. Our middle two just have to wait. Somehow though, it seems different because it's two kids waiting together. If we only had three, I can see how the middle child would feel alone.

Genders and age gaps certainly play into how family dynamics ultimately emerge. Some families and some personalities cope better too. But there is some status associated with being the oldest child, and by definition, the youngest child needs more help, so it stands to reason that a middle child might feel stuck in the middle sometimes.

[eepster]

DH and I are both from 3 child families (he is oldest in his, I am youngest in mine.) Though my older sis and his younger brother are basically very different people, they have certain things in common that we believe are mostly attributed being middle children. The most glaring is a tendency to want to squirrel away every penny they can get their hands on, and a general tendency to be much more money focused than the rest of the family.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

I do have a middle child, and he does demonstrate some "middle child" tendancies listed HERE (attention seeking, "class clown", way more easy going than his other brothers, independant).

If I cut all those tendencies apart, put them in a hat and randomly assigned to my siblings and I it would be more likely to come out right than that list. The same holds true for DH's family. I think many of those may appear to be true while ones children are children, but simply do to age differences than do to birth order influence.

For example: One tendency attributed to first born is "natural leader." My eldest sister is very definitely not a natural leader. She down right avoids leadership roles. However, when we were kids and she was 10yo and my other sister and I were 7yo and 5yo, she was the one who made up a lot of the games. This wasn't b/c she was a leader, it simple b/c anytime you have a child who is significantly older they will tend to choose the game. The older child knows more games. The older child is likely to find games picked by the younger child boring, but a game picked by the older child is likely to be desirable for the younger children to play.

Another tendency attributed to birth order, that I would say has more to do with age, is the first born is supposedly the most "responsible" one. How responsible someone is is to a very large degree related to age till adulthood. 10yos just tend to be more responsible than 5yos. Once said 10yo and said 5yo are 30yo and 25yo, then which one is more responsible will have more to do with personality; and in the families, with adult siblings, I've seen, they do not follow birth order. I would say, that sibling general responsibility level tends to be pretty close to each other, suggesting that genetics and/or upbringing are more relevant than birth order.

[Ornery]

The whole birth order debate fascinates me as my older sister and I fit the stereotype. However, we grew up with serious dysfunction and toxicity in our family so I believe that has a lot to do with it.

I have three children and agree with the above poster that those traits seem to be due to differences in age not so much birth order. However, I saw enough birth order situations when I was younger that I had always dreamed of having at least 4, possibly 6 kids. Never an odd number. We still hope to adopt but that won't happen until at least 2012.

Of course, as my middle child is the only girl in our family and as there is an 8 1/2 year difference between my oldest and my middle child, our situation is definitely not typical.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by eepster

The most glaring is a tendency to want to squirrel away every penny they can get their hands on, and a general tendency to be much more money focused than the rest of the family.

LOL. I am a middle, and this fits me to a T. The list doesn't though.

OP, how much of this is your DS2 being the middle, versus being a 4yo? I means even if he was an only and a new baby came on the scene, he might still have a hard time, because he is only 4.

[kittywitty]

I think birth order is a load of crap. I have, however seen that youngest kids I know tend to have a much more relaxes upbringing. But not all. Of course, I'm either an only child or oldest of 4 depending on how you look at it, dh is middle kid, and I'm about to have my #5. My middle kids fit some of those stereotypes, but so do i in that case! But then again I'm biased as the bossy know it all oldest kid (or Virgo, whichever is most clarifying).

[eepster]

Originally Posted by kittywitty

I think birth order is a load of crap. I have, however seen that youngest kids I know tend to have a much more relaxes upbringing.

I think a lot of what you see as birth order tendencies is directly caused by how parents act differently to the children (the other factors being how the kids treat each other and how extended family/outsiders treat the kids.)

For example: to a certain degree, the first child is the practice child. I know that sounds horrible, but I know I think to myself "I'll do XYZ thing differently next time."

[tanyam926]

Op here!

I started this thread about 8 months ago (I was surprised to see it after all this time!) and things have gotten significantly better w/my middle child. I think it had more to do w/the combination of his personality and being 4 yrs old. (4 is the hardest age so far w/both my older boys although my now 2 yr old is starting to be a real stinker!)

Ds2 is much less clingy, doesn't want to nurse all the time like he used to, has started pre-k and is LOVING it (he's incredibly social and is a "got people to see and places to be" kind of kid.

I do think birth order affects personality, or that they affect each other, but that there are exceptions to every rule. I am the oldest of 3 and see this w/myself and my own siblings.

I wouldn't let this belief determine how large a family to have. I very much agree w/the pps who said that family dynamics and thoughtful parenting have just as much to do w/the outcome as anything else. I also agree that we can do everything "right" (if there is such a thing) and our children will live their lives how they will live them.

[calebsmama03]

Originally Posted by Cian'sMama

I had to chime in on this. I feel very strongly that these syndromes--"only child", "middle child" as well as birth order syndromes--are myths perpetrated by parents and society. I do not think it is intentional on the part of parents, but purely accidental. I think that if we parent in a thoughtful way, with good research to back up our parenting decisions/tactics-then we are giving each child the best start. As parents we can do everything right and things can still go awry for a child. This can happen whether you are the middle child, an only child, the firstborn, lastborn--whatever. There is a lot more at play in determining our personality traits than birth order.

Do your absolute best in parenting and have as many children as you feel you can raise well. The traits applied to a middle child show up in people for all sorts of other reasons. Having a fourth or deciding to only have two based on some old stereotypes seems really silly to me.

just my 2 cents.

I agree 100% and would also caution parent who do believe this exists that you can absolutely lead to a "self-fulfilling prophecy" if you treat your middle child as though this exists. My mother is a middle child and has always felt jealous of her older and younger sibs (#1 got the new stuff and I got the HMDs, and #3was always babied and got so much more attention, etc.) and she has blamed ever family issue in her life on "middle child syndrome". When my sister (the middle child) started exhibiting behavioral issues in elementary school my mother blamed it on "middle child syndrome" and has always treated her differently - made excuses for poor choices/bad behavior (it isn't her fault - it's middle chjild syndrome) and my sister is now a 34 y/o woman who has never lived outside of her parent's house, never held a *real* job, expects everyone to wait on her/help her/bail her out/babysit her kid for free and blames all her ills on outside factors (it's not MY fault I am overweight, it's not MY fault I got pregnant unintentionally, etc.).

Bit of a rant there but all that to say that I don't think it's so much a middle child inherent thing as it is dependent on how the parents react to and parent the child. A young "middle child" will absolutely have some attention seeking stuff going on - they WERE the baby and now they're not. If the parents make a concerted effort to treat their children with equal amounts of time and respect and don't allow one to have excuses made for their behaviors then I think the "middle child syndrome" is a passing developmental phase rather than a lifelong syndrome by which they are defined.