Please stop lying to my kid!

[MiaMama]

How in the world do I politely say this to my husband, inlaws, and others? My daughter just turned 3, and they have been doing this for a while now.

They say stuff like "If you don't stop crying, I'll NEVER bring you back to the pool again." or "If you put your hands in my fishtank, my fish will DIE!" or "If you don't get ready to go, we'll just leave you home by yourself while we go out."

When my husband does it, and I say something to him, he gets defensive. I haven't even found the courage to bring it up with my inlaws yet, but it just really bothers me a lot when they do it. I feel like they are undermining the authority of every adult in her life, because she will quickly see that the things they tell her will happen really won't.

Uggg, after this, I have to address namecalling. ie: "You are being a brat." For some reason, that word is one of the absolute most disrepectful things I can think of. I went off on my husband one time. I told him, "you need to grow up and be the adult! NO namecalling!" I'm not perfect, and sometimes I say things I wish I hadn't, but the other people in my life think it is appropriate to talk to her this way, so they are making NO effort to change.

[mamazee]

That is more than lying. It's also threatening, and bullying. I would be terribly upset, too! And your dh in particular really has to stop. It will hurt from anyone but it will hurt particularly coming from a parent. I have no advice on how to make it stop but I am here to say that you are not by any means overreacting.

[sapphire_chan]

Does your dh know the sort of things he *should* be saying?

It's really hard to not do the wrong thing when you aren't sure about the right thing.

[philomom]

Can you move far away?

Really, I'd spend less time with them until you get a handle on your dh.... he should not act this way and he should help you discourage your in-laws from this behavior as well.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Does your dh know the sort of things he *should* be saying?

It's really hard to not do the wrong thing when you aren't sure about the right thing.

(If you're concerned with being delicate) maybe you could phrase it as modeling behavior. So for the "fish is going to die" scenario: "DD has been a little dramatic lately, so we're trying not to exaggerate." Then maybe the speaker could tell her a little about taking care of fish.

As far as "leaving" the LO, I see that as a threat. "Please don't threaten the baby." "Please don't tell her that. She knows its not true."

Just brainstorming, but I agree with the PP that this is sort of manipulative parenting that is probably a result of a lack of tools in the toolbox (especially for your DH). My Huz and I had a similar problem when he kept telling the baby "no." Over and over. I just kept asking him to say what he wants her to do, over and over...and eventually he got it. Honey, tell her to stop. Honey, tell her to wait. (In the sweetest voice I can find. )

As far as name calling, I think that's a bad example to set. Unless he's joking, and then its questionable. Huz playfully calls DD a butthead and it gets under my skin.... but I'm saving that battle for a few months from now.

Good luck. It's so tough to negotiate these things.

[Llyra]

I say things like that to my kids sometimes, but only in fun, with a big smile on my face so they know I'm joking, and only once they reach an age where they can understand I'm kidding. I told DS this morning that if he kept banging on the coffee table I was going to "feed his toenails to the cat," for example.

Because I think you're just exactly right-- it is lying, and bullying, and it does undermine the child's belief that the adults in her life are truthful and reliable sources of information about the world. If you want your child to come to you with problems, and trust that your advice and warnings are good ones to be heeded, then you have to make sure that what you say is going to happen, happens.

So I agree with you entirely.

As far as what to do, that's tougher. With the in-laws, and people like that, I'd confront them right there on the spot, in front of the child. I'd say, "Don't say that to her. That's not true. Honey, Grandpa doesn't mean it. That's not really going to happen." If they're mad, that's fine, let them be mad. They'll get over it. And they'll get the point right quick, I'm sure.

DH is a different story, though. I think the first thing I'd do is confront him about it, at a good time when you feel like you'll have his attention for awhile, and tell him quietly and firmly exactly what you think about it. Avoid accusing-- talk more about "I feel like" and "it seems to me like" and "I'd really rather." I would not stop if he got defensive, though. I'd press the issue over and over until he saw my point. But I'd avoid confronting him right in front of the child. I wouldn't want to undermine my DH's authority with my kids. DH and I have a policy of presenting a unified front to the kids-- if we disagree about how one of us should have handled something, we save it for later when the kids are asleep, and discuss it then.

Good luck. That would drive me nuts, too.

[Kuba'sMama]

I grew up in Poland, and back there that kind of thing was very acceptable, and common. Threatening in fact was considered a way to parent. It was (and still is in some circles) an everyday occurance to threaten children with witches, boogeymen, policemen, etc for every single thing, ie. not finishing their meal (If you don't finish the meal, I will tell that man over there to come and take you away!).
Needless to say, it took me a long time to convince my IL's especially that we will NOT be doing that with my ds. Since I am not a confrontational person, I would gently redirect; such as "grandpa is just being silly, there is no bogeyman", or "if you continue screaming, you will have to leave the room, but grandma was just joking about the police". It took several months but they did get it. Luckily my dh was totally on board and actually spoke to his parents privately regarding the matter. I agree it's the whole "parenting toolbox" thing. That's the way they were raised too.

[SunshineJ]

No advice on the DH, but I will say neither of those would remotely go over in our house. Honor is something we value highly here, and that includes truth and honestly. Honestly I think the in-laws are the easiest to handle (provided you can convince DH not to undermine you), but then once I've reached my bs tolerance factor I can be rather direct. "I'm sorry but we're trying to teach DD that it's not nice to call people names, and since children learn by example I'm going to have to ask you not to call her that please." and for the lying and threatening, I'd simply say something like "Please do not threaten or lie to my child. That's something we discourage in our house and I'm sure you don't want her to grow up feeling she can't believe what you say". If they kept it up I would take dd and leave. A little harsh and to the point, yes, but it doesn't take long to make the point.

[Wild Lupine]

Yikes, that would drive me crazy too. No advice on the in-laws but I agree with the PP's that DH would benefit from more tools in his parenting toolbox. The way your in-laws are talking to your DD is what DH almost certainly grew up hearing. Without other models, and especially in times of stress, people tend to revert to the scripts they heard as children, whether they agree with them or not. DH's interactions with your daughter will have a much bigger influence on her than her grandparents. Not that her grandparents are insignificant, but that healthy parenting at home can give kids a resiliency that can help them get through less ideal situations outside the home.

Would DH be receptive to a parenting book that gives lots of examples of healthy ways of communicating (such as How to talk so kids will listen)? Another option is to spend a lot of time around families whose parents communicate openly and respectfully with their children to show DH other ways of interacting.

[Arduinna]

I just flat out told my parents not to talk that way to my kid. I caught them making some bigotted statements in general conversation in front of my daughter and my mom has a tendancy to try and manipulate people behind their backs. I just called the behaviour out when it happened. If you let them get away with it they will continue to do it. It does get better over time. You just have to train them to know that you mean it and you won't put up with it.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by Llyra

With the in-laws, and people like that, I'd confront them right there on the spot, in front of the child. I'd say, "Don't say that to her. That's not true. Honey, Grandpa doesn't mean it. That's not really going to happen." If they're mad, that's fine, let them be mad. They'll get over it. And they'll get the point right quick, I'm sure.

yes, this is exactly what I did. I called them on it, right there in front of my daughter. Both the adults and the child need it modeled to them that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated and is not acceptable.

[mamaluvs]

Originally Posted by MiaMama

Uggg, after this, I have to address namecalling. ie: "You are being a brat." For some reason, that word is one of the absolute most disrepectful things I can think of. I went off on my husband one time. I told him, "you need to grow up and be the adult! NO namecalling!" I'm not perfect, and sometimes I say things I wish I hadn't, but the other people in my life think it is appropriate to talk to her this way, so they are making NO effort to change.

Sorry you have to deal with this. If I ever heard an adult calling my DD or DS an inappropriate name, I would definitely say something like "DD is not a ____! Don't ever call her that." I would think of it as standing up for my child-I would never want them to think I believe what the name caller is saying and I would never want the name caller to think that I for one instant will let them talk to my loved one that way. I can be fairly passive aggressive but this is one instance that would definitely make me vocal. I'm pretty protective of my loved ones though (I bet you are too).

[JessBB]

This is 100% how I was parented and I struggle with it myself. TBH I never realized how bad it was until I heard my mom bullying & shaming my ds. I have told her flat out no threats and no namecalling, and have made her apologize for speaking rudely to ds1 (age 3). I won't leave him alone with her because I can't trust her to not say flat out ugly things (i.e. if you spill that, I'm never taking you in my car again, etc). So I feel you! And as for dh, maybe he is like me and not proud of it but trying to make a change? So maybe if you look at it from a more collaborative standpoint you can help him come up with some other things to say.

[SillyMom34]

Maybe they dont realize they're doing it and just need some other "tools" to handle the situation.

[NellieKatz]

The first thing that popped to my mind was to say "As she grows up, do you want her to believe you and trust you?" [assuming the answer is yes...] "Then don't tell her things that are not true, or promise things you really won't do" [like leaving her behind]

It's as simple as that. They won't be trusted or have any CREDIBILITY if they lie. Kids are smart. Not only that....aren't we always telling them to be honest and not to lie? And they see grownups doing it? How likely is it that she will grow up actually hearing their lessons about honesty? Not likely.

Just my 2-cents

[peaceful_mama]

Wow. Yeah I would have to say something about that. As a grown woman who had to outgrow some serious fears due to things I was lied to about...

[my_baby_love]

When people have said things like that ("I'll leave without you.") to my DS I have turned to him and said something along the lines of "Grandma wouldn't really leave you here. Gosh, Grandma, that's not nice to say. I do think she is waiting for you to get your shoes on, though." It's a little passive aggressive, maybe, but then my DS knows that it's not true and Grandma knows that maybe she shouldn't have said it.

[elanorh]

DH sometimes does this - it's true, it's what you learn from your parents' modeling. However, he does a lot less of it for two reasons.

First, I've called him on it and we've discussed it in private - basically, that it undermines HIS authority if he uses a threat that he can't (or won't) carry through. So, "You're never going to the park again if you don't get your coat in on the next 5 minutes," is not going to work. I've read aloud to him from Dr. Sears and others about how to communicate effectively with kids, and we've talked about logical consequences, etc. It's not all sunshine and roses; sometimes he still wants to become very authoritarian with the girls, but he's improved significantly over the years (and can now explain what we're doing to his family, which is great; and he sees and values the difference in how we parent, compared to some of our family/friends).

Second (and perhaps most effective) - a few times, when he has come up with a ridiculous 'consequence' that's essentially unenforceable, I put HIM in charge of enforcing it. It only takes a couple times of telling someone that they need to carry their threat through, for them to realize that it's not working and it's not the way they want to parent. It stinks to do it this way, but I think it has worked (and I'm careful which 'ridiculous threat' I tell him needs to be carried through).

I do agree about being a united front with the kids; but there have been times when I have asked dh, "Are you sure you want to go there?" with something he's said -- I think it's also helpful for kids to see parents collaborate and come to a compromise/solution together.

It also helps if dh can see the effectiveness of using logical consequences and so on with your dd -- to prove to him that it works, and to give him tools to use himself when he tries it.

Call the inlaws on it until your dh is comfortable enough with it that he can address it with them. There are good suggestions for how to do that.

The other thing I've had to do is remind dh about developmentally appropriate expectations and skills - I think sometimes these sorts of approaches to children tie into some really inaccurate expectations of what a child is really capable of doing or understanding.