So I guess I'm here now - so many ?'s

[abomgardner417]

I haven't posted on mdc in a long time but I knew there would be some mamas here who can lend an ear and some encouragement/advice.

My stbx is moving out at the end of the month. He's filed a dissolution. I want to try to make it work, but on the other hand I know it's best for us to go our separate ways. Anyway, I see a lawyer on Thursday and I'm coming up with a list of questions. If you've already been through this is there something you wish you had thought about before everything was final?

Here's my situation:
Sahm of 3 yo twins, currently undergoing breast cancer treatment and starting grad school in the fall. Not able to work right now due to treatment and the cost of childcare being more than I would make. We have no property to split so basically I'm looking at child support, possible spousal support and I'm going to ask that he pay my health insurance premiums until I'm done with treatment.

Anyone been in a similar situation with being a sahm or needing health insurance? And do you start to feel better once you get the process going or not until after it's all done and you move on. This just sucks!

[robinchap1]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Hugs to you.

It is very good you are seeing a lawyer. I would go for health insurance for longer than that (and forever coverage for your twins). In my state he would be responsible for your health insurance until one of you married someone else. But other states must have different laws. But even after you are done treatment, you are going to need regular follow ups with the oncologist. And I don't know what the preexisting condition laws are in your state in terms of you getting your own insurance. I would really really work on the health insurance thing for as long as you can wrangle. I certainly hope he wouldn't fight you on that....

Have you guys discussed custody/visitation? I would find out from the lawyer what the norms are in your state. Is it automatically joint custody, what is standard visitation, etc.

I'm sure others will have good suggestions to think about. But I wanted to put that health insurance thing out there.

You are so amazingly strong. Keep taking care of yourself. Do you have good friend/family support around you?

[wytchywoman]

It's great that you have an attorney. Are you seeking some counseling to help you through this time? Cancer or divorce are hard things to deal with. Having to do them both together with twins to boot is going to be extra difficult. You might want to consider finding a therapist or a support group tp give you some extra support through all of this.

[DanishMom]

Originally Posted by abomgardner417

I haven't posted on mdc in a long time but I knew there would be some mamas here who can lend an ear and some encouragement/advice.

My stbx is moving out at the end of the month. He's filed a dissolution. I want to try to make it work, but on the other hand I know it's best for us to go our separate ways. Anyway, I see a lawyer on Thursday and I'm coming up with a list of questions. If you've already been through this is there something you wish you had thought about before everything was final?

Here's my situation:
Sahm of 3 yo twins, currently undergoing breast cancer treatment and starting grad school in the fall. Not able to work right now due to treatment and the cost of childcare being more than I would make. We have no property to split so basically I'm looking at child support, possible spousal support and I'm going to ask that he pay my health insurance premiums until I'm done with treatment.

Anyone been in a similar situation with being a sahm or needing health insurance? And do you start to feel better once you get the process going or not until after it's all done and you move on. This just sucks!

I don't know much about health insurance in the US as I live in Denmark. I just wanted to give you a big Going through a break up AND breast cancer treatment at the same time has got to be so hard. Regarding divorce I think it gets easier little by little. Sometimes in small steps and sometimes it feels like a major step forward. For some mamas these big steps come quickly and for others it takes time. Hang in there.

I hope you'll get what you need in terms of health insurance and child support and spousal support. I hope the cancer treatment goes as planned and you will heal from this emotionally and physically. Please remember to get as much support as possible - family, friends, single moms support group, breast cancer support group, help from church organizations, child care, cleaning help - whatever will make you feel more supported and give you the help you need. Make sure to get time to just do whatever you love to do. And a therapist if you need it.

Good luck and keep posting.

[abomgardner417]

So sorry ladies that I didn't reply sooner but thank you all so much for your support.
The stuff has really hit the fan now! He's moving out this weekend and he's also stopping his paycheck from going into our account. I asked him how I was supposed to pay rent and utilities and feed our kids. He shrugged - it's not his problem. It will be months before the dissolution (or possible divorce) is final and I have no clue what I'm going to do until then. I've applied for home heating assistance and I'm going to apply for food stamps this week but I have no way to pay car payment, ins, or gas and rent.
I just don't understand how a person could do that to another person and their own children and not feel a shred of remorse. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I'm not huge on the praying thing, but prayers are needed in the worst way here!

[wytchywoman]

Have you retained a lawyer yet? If not, then beg borrow or steal to get one. If you have, then you need to be on the horn with them first thing in the morning. Emergency orders for CS and Spousal Support are not too hard to obtain, and given everything going on in your life right now I'd say you're well entitled to both and my guess would be that any judge would agree. Your STBX would like to think that it's not his problem, but the courts will not see it that way. Talk to an attorney asap and get those emergency orders rolling. (((((((HUGS))))))) mama!!!!

PS....start making calls to social service agencies like catholic social services, domestic violence shelters, food banks and local church ministries. Many of these places can help you find funding for rent and utilities and can set you up with food. Are any of your kids young enough to get WIC?

[khkelsey]

I would google and see if there is free legal aid available where you live. I live in a fairly small town, but there is free legal aid available for people who are low income. And friends of the court services are usually free. They are the ones who set up child support, at least in my state. Go to the court house to get info about that.

[missmich]

I have no advice for you,but wanted to . I hope you can find what you need and can get the rest you need as well while getting your treatments.

[abomgardner417]

Thank you all so much!
I did forget to mention that stbx is supposed to be paying for all legal fees. But I'll believe that when I see it! I put a call in to the atty today to let her know what was going on but she never called back. I'll definitely ask about emg support orders. But I just sent my retainer form in the mail so she can't do anything until she gets it. Let's hope my stbx hasn't blackmailed the mail carrier!

My kids are still little so we can get WIC - although none of us can eat dairy so that kinda cuts out half of that stuff. But every little bit helps!
I don't feel as panicky as I did before, but for real - how much more can I have thrown at me at once and not have a nervous breakdown!!
Your support means a lot guys - Thank you!!!

[Theia]

I would bug the crap out of the attorney. I'd call frequently (several times a day) until you get some answers. Don't just "put in a call and wait for them to call back". You need to be the squeaky wheel in a situation like this. And if your legal representation is iffy cuz it's tied up with him paying for it, then definitely go to legal aid immediately. It can take a week or more before they notify you if your case is accepted or not by them. It's probably different in each state, but that was my experience.

Also, have you applied for TANF? If you don't have an income, and his income is something you no longer have access to, then you should qualify for TANF. You would have to prove bank account stuff, etc., but hopefully you would be able to be qualified for that as of 3-1 JIC you haven't gotten anywhere with the emergency support orders.

I second calling other local organizations. I think the DV place would be especially helpful because even if there wasn't abuse, your situation is financially very similar to what they deal with on a regular basis.

I'm sorry you are going through that.

[vocalise]

I don't have a lot to offer in terms of advice, but I just wanted to say WOW. You have a lot to deal with right now, and your l.o.s are awfully lucky to have such a strong, resourceful mama. Take care of you as much as possible, okay?

s

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by abomgardner417

So sorry ladies that I didn't reply sooner but thank you all so much for your support.
The stuff has really hit the fan now! He's moving out this weekend and he's also stopping his paycheck from going into our account. I asked him how I was supposed to pay rent and utilities and feed our kids. He shrugged - it's not his problem. It will be months before the dissolution (or possible divorce) is final and I have no clue what I'm going to do until then. I've applied for home heating assistance and I'm going to apply for food stamps this week but I have no way to pay car payment, ins, or gas and rent.
I just don't understand how a person could do that to another person and their own children and not feel a shred of remorse. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I'm not huge on the praying thing, but prayers are needed in the worst way here!

It may be months before the divorce is final, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have to pay.

What you need to do is file an emergency motion for temporary custody and support (both child and spousal) and ask that it is garnished from his wages.

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by Theia

Also, have you applied for TANF? If you don't have an income, and his income is something you no longer have access to, then you should qualify for TANF. You would have to prove bank account stuff, etc., but hopefully you would be able to be qualified for that as of 3-1 JIC you haven't gotten anywhere with the emergency support orders.

And applying for TANF will get action taken on child support at the very least without her having to file a motion herself. The state will establish a child support order so that the state can be reimbursed.

[MissLotus]

Hugs to you, OP. You're going through an awful lot! I back up the others who say to get an emergency order for him to pay child support, etc. If your lawyer doesn't call back, go to the courthouse and ask how to file it. He's abandoning you! That's terrible, and surely there is a net in place for such circumstances, and here you are with twins and going through treatments. Don't leave until they help you!

I have a friend that's going through a divorce right now and her stbx still lives in the house with her, but refused to give her any grocery money, etc. Although she's not divorced yet, the court DID grant a temporary order, meanwhile, for him to give her money. So it can be done.

[abomgardner417]

Here's an update from the finance thread that I posted in:


Thanks everyone for your great suggestions and the hugs and support!

I spoke with the lawyer yesterday and asked about filing an emergency order for support. She said we could only do that if stbx is filing a [I]divorce[I], but since he's filing a [I]dissolution[I] we can't get emg orders. She is supposed to place a call in to his lawyer to find out what his intentions are but I didn't hear anything today. I'm the type of person who wants things done NOW, so this is pretty frustrating.

I'm going to apply for food stamps and whatever other assistance I can get first thing tomorrow morning after my radiation treatment. Stbx is taking off work to watch dss while I do that. Guess he doesn't see the irony in that. I'd like to be able to tell him that if he can't provide for his kids then I can't provide him with visitation time, but I'm sure it would backfire on me at some point.

I called my hospital and asked to speak to a social worker. I told her my situation and she said "Well, what kind of help are you looking for?" Um...HELOOO! Financial help!!! She gave me two applications for assistance that takes months to get, which of course I am grateful for, but what the heck do I do about the bills that are due now?!

I'd like to respond to each of you but don't get a lot of time so thank you all for listening and responding!