"But who's gonna play with me?"

[busymama77]

Says my whiney 4yo DS after a long day of running errands together, playing together at various times throughout the day - he says this as I'm trying to get things taken care of around the house - like dinner, cleaning, or letting the dogs out, or just wanting to take a few minutes to myself. He's only like this when DH is not around. He'll play by himself sometimes - no problem - but how can I say "no, not right now, mama has to do xyz?" so that he'll understand and not whine or throw a fit about it? This has me concerned also with a new baby on the way this month that there are times when I'm not going to be able to drop what I'm doing at that very moment and I need to find a way for him to understand...


HELP?!

[Kuba'sMama]

Hi!
My four year old (almost) is second-born, so maybe that makes a difference, but I have no problem telling her exactly what you said "go play, mommy has to do x, y and z".
If she whines I say "why don't you bring (a toy she likes), and you can play here at the table while mommy is cooking, etc". But if I want to be alone, I say it too; "mommy had a walk with you, we read stories, and we will have to go pick up your brother soon. Would you want me to put on a video, so mommy can have some time to relax too?". Since my kids were toddlers I always said things like that, even if they were too young to understand, even if it was "mommy's going to the bathroom and she wants some privacy, I'll be right back". It was always very important to state that I have needs too, not just them, even they were not happy about it! They learned eventually.

I guess it depends on the kids too. Mine were always pretty good about playing alone, but we're a family of introverts and we all need quite a bit of alone time. The extroverted kids that I've been in contact with do seem to need more interaction.

[hopefulfaith]

I saw your post and it reminded me of my ds's request yesterday: "I want to go downstairs and I need a grown-up friend to come with me."

My 4 yo ds is the oldest, and he has a 3 yo sister with whom he plays a LOT. I think he does this by default since I am not a mom who typically "plays with" my kids. I provide tons of open-ended stuff, etc., and it's up to them to decide what to do. I do not get down on the floor and pretend to be the princess, etc. I think that is their job, as kids! I do stick close by lots of the time so I can guide if needed when I hear inappropriate play coming on ("Let's pretend the bad guy is climbing on the window and swings from the blinds!" ...nope! let's not!), but really, it's their job.

If my ds needs something from me - art supplies, something he needs to pretend, etc., then great. I'll be more than happy to come over and see what he has built, etc., and I would love to help build the Lego castle one more time, or fix the Playmobil fire department.

However, when ds whines that he neeeeeeeeeds me to go downstairs with him while he plays, I usually gently remind him that I am (folding laundry/cleaning the kitchen/doing whatever) and if he wants to be with me, then I am right here and he can play nearby, if he wants. Otherwise, he is welcome to play downstairs by himself. He gets it, now, after having been through that a few times. Four is old enough to understand "No, I can't do that right now, but I would love to have you bring your stuff here in the kitchen so you can be with me while I work".

There are wonderful things about age four, and I am finding that this concrete understanding of everything is really nice right now. When you say, "No, I can't do XYZ, but YOU CAN do abc....", then I feel like they really understand that, whereas it was harder at ages 2-3.

[Pepe]

I second what others have suggested re: saying you're not free right now because of xyz, but he (she?) can do _____.

However, while this is somewhat easy for my DS to understand, it can be very hard for him to accept--especially once he's finally home from pre-school, I'm home from work, and he understandably wants my attention.

Don't know if it will work for you, but we have recently discovered AUDIOBOOKS from the library. (We limit screen time) He particularly loves the Magic Tree House stories. This has changed our lives--or at least changed this time of day.

I hope you find something that works for you!