How do you convey your philosophy to a caregiver?

[myorianna]

Ok, so I am having a really bad day today. My nanny just turned in her resignation. She only worked for 5 weeks for us, and her top complaint is my parenting philosophy.

I am so stressed about starting the interviewing process all over again, the taking time to integrate all over again and I wonder if maybe I am just describing things all wrong.

How do you convey a gentle discipline approach to your caregiver? I tried to bring up examples- use of play based parenting, re-directing, empowering through choice, positive discipline, etc. But this just seemed to confuse her. She thought that I didn't allow my daughter to cry at all...obviously I failed here at something.

I don't want to put my daughter, now 27 months in a preschool full time- she goes 3 half days a week and I thought it was a good balance between that and a nanny (28 hours a week left with a nanny). I am at a loss, please help if you have any advice...

Thanks!

[weasleyx]

I will come work for you! I am a nanny who has a similar 'parenting philosophy' mismatch with my employers. I am much more GD like you, while the parents I currently work for spank, belittle, shame, and do other various things I disagree with, like washing out their kids' mouth with soap I've also worked with a family who made their baby CIO and followed Babywise. For me, it can be hard to work for someone who has such different ideas that I fundamentally disagree with.

So, as a caregiver, I would suggest being as upfront and as descriptive about your expectations as possible, as early as possible. Make sure that you both are on the same page from the very beginning. During interviewing, feel her out as to what her philosophies are. Ask her if she has had any specific training or education on various childcare methods, or if she has read any books pertaining to GD and what her opinions are. If she hasn't, perhaps suggest or loan her one that you agree with. A printout of '20 Alternatives to Punishment' is a simple and concise explanation of your expectations, and you could go through those with her at an interview and see what her reaction is. Show her your 'toolbox' of parenting techniques. Discuss them with her. If she is unable to understand those ideas and agree with them, or at least agree to try them for a while, move on to the next person.

Ideally you can try to find someone who, off the bat, shares similar ideas with you. At the same time, it will be virtually impossible to find someone that you agree with 100%, so I would really emphasize to her what your main priorities and concerns are.

Good luck on your search!

[phathui5]

Maybe you could look for an AP mom with 1 or 2 kids who will watch her for pay?

[nina_yyc]

I would ask for examples of how she would handle your most common scenarios. From there you can discuss similarities and differences in how you would handle things.

[BeanyMama]

Ug! I've seen ads for AP nannies in my local AP and homebirth, homeschool lists. Maybe you could search for some of those near you and post that you're looking for an AP CG. Seems to me if a person doesn't subscrib to your philosophy, it will be hard to convey what you except. Good luck!

[sgmom]

I would first explain that you use gentle parenting (and only answer questions that they ask, rather than trying to explain what that is), then ask what their method of discipline is. I would also use examples of "If she did this, how would you react", then work with them to find a method that works for the both of you.

If the person interviewed is really interested in learning more, I might also offer suggestions of books that you found were helpful for you.

[lucalove]

Hi Weasleyx

Any chance you want to nanny in Kentucky?! You can contact me at [e-mail]

Blessings!

[myorianna]

Thanks for everyone's advice! I actually put out a very specific post on craigslist and got a few responses- two were AP moms and the rest were at least familiar with things and conveyed they appreciated that approach... So we have started interviewing again. Hopefully this time it will be a good match! I am also going to have a "trial" half day with the person we intend to hire so that I can really see how she interacts with DD.

[Ell-Bell]

I would join some Yahoo Groups in your area that are more AP/UP focused- search for Bay Area Unconditional Parenting, or Bay Area Attachment Parenting, Bay Area Non Violent Communications, Homeschooling, LLL, etc. and then post asking if anyone there knows of a great caregiver.

I would also post the same in the "Finding your Tribe" section here on MDC, under the California board.

I have a really hard time explaining my philosophy to other people. I am sure you can find someone who is already somewhat on the same page as you in the Bay Area!

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

I would ask for examples of how she would handle your most common scenarios. From there you can discuss similarities and differences in how you would handle things.

This.

I had a set of new parents come to meet me many, many years ago. They told me SOME things. Mostly about his food "issues". But, they didn't really make it clear.

They did ask me what I do when I am angry at the kids, or if they need discipline, and they seemed happy with my answer. But, they didn't SAY, we don't use any sort of punishment. I needed to hear them say that, and WHY they don't use timeout, and verbal discipline. I wasn't going to use it anyway, but I still needed to hear it.

His "food issues" turned out to be a whole different problem. I don't think that they understood it at first either. But, as time went by, we realized it wasn't just an "issue". So, that one was just a learning experience for us all.

But, then the second baby came along, and one day she said "If he's ever crying, and you have to fix lunch for the other kids, call me at work and I will come over and hold him while you serve lunch, so he doesn't have to cry". I was completely caught off gaurd. I had no idea they felt like that. NO IDEA at all. SHe never told me that.

This was before baby carriers (which by the way has changed my life) and Internet.

Seriously.... I had let both her kids fuss and cry while I made lunch if they were awake and fussy. How could she NOT have told me that???? I know she didn't explain it.

It would have been good to know how they felt, and WHY they felt it. Even some good quick literature to scan would have been awesome for me.

Not a threat, or a demand, or an order... just a "This is what we have chosen for our kids, how do you feel about this?" would have made a huge difference to me.

[staceychev]

Hey Lucalove--

Probably not a good idea to put your email address on a public and searchable message board. At the very least, it's a recipe for spam-disaster! You might want to edit your post and send a PM to Weasleyx.

Just a thought... not trying to interfere.

Stacey

[Mamita79]

You could also email a potential nanny a list of web sites that explainyour philosophy OR write somything uo to show the person. be as clear and specific as possible and talk with them openly and honestly to really get a feel for wether they share your philosophies.

[Ellien C]

I would start with asking the potential provider how they would handle different situations. Then you don't have some one telling you what they think you want to hear just to get a job. If you look up information on "behavior-based" interviewing, that might help. Basically, you present SPECIFIC scenarios to the candidate and what they would do. You can get a little bit more open-ended and say - Can you tell me about a time when a child was obviously over-tired at nap time but kept screaming. How did you react? THis keeps things out of the realm of philosophy and into the specifics of how they handle situations. Because no matter what you tell them, your provider is going to fall back on methods that have worked for them, at least at first.

[bugginsmom]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

I would ask for examples of how she would handle your most common scenarios. From there you can discuss similarities and differences in how you would handle things.

This. I know when I nannied it was hard for me to find a family that shared my views as well. Point is, they are out there, it is just a matter of finding your match. Good luck and I hope you find a great match in you upcoming interviews.