Have I done this AP stuff all wrong???

[LindsG]

So after an argument with my husband tonight, I am feeling very confused about the parenting choices I have made and the type of parent I am. I have been struggling with my 12 month old a lot lately. He is whiny (REALLY whiny!), clingy, fights sleep HARD, and (to me at least) just a very difficult, spirited kid who has a temper? I don't know. On the other hand, it appears that he's only that way with me! I put him in the church daycare this past Sunday and when I went to get him, the care provider told me that he was so great! That was until the very second she handed him over to me when the whining started! My MIL is always telling me how great he was when she watches him. I used to think she was just lying (she's the type of person to try to act like everything she does is perfect and gloat about it). What have I done to make him act like this with me??

So then I come on here and discover the "smothering" post. Now i'm concerned. Maybe I've done this all wrong? Because it seems my son is turning out to be exactly opposite of what AP parenting claims to do! I thought he was supposed less clingy because he's secure in the bond between us? I've never let him CIO (yet i'm becoming more and more tempted because i'm starting to think i've chosen the wrong path), yet I don't THINK i'm a helicopter mom (though I will admit, i'm very insecure as a first time mom and terrified of screwing him up somehow). I co-sleep (because i've tried getting him to sleep in his crib on multiple occasions and he's just not having it), I used to babywear but he's too busy for that now, etc etc.

I try to get him to play independently all the time and I let him explore without constantly intervening...in fact I WISH he would just go do that and leave me alone lol! But instead, he'll hover at my feet and want to be held, but not want to be held, and cling and whine and cling and whine ALLLLLLLL DAYYY. Sometimes i'll put him in his high chair or walker (he doesn't walk quite yet but close) with some snacks just to get 10-15 mins of freedom from him.

The thing is, when he is being clingy, if I put him down on the floor for a second to like go to the bathroom or something and he starts screaming because he doesn't want to be put down, i'll still go to the bathroom, but i'll do it REALLY quick and come right back to pick him up so he stops screaming. Is that the wrong thing to do? My husband seems to think that I just need to ignore him all day when he whines...like I am rewarding him for whining? I don't feel like ignoring him is meeting his needs - but maybe i've misunderstood the meaning of AP parenting.

Have I created this?? Is this normal at this stage and he'll just outgrow this? Why do I feel like all my mainstream friends have angel kids that will go to sleep without a fuss, play independently all day, etc etc...and my kid has become a holy terror?? I'm so depressed! I wish I could start all over.

[artgoddess]

Deep breathes mama. He's a baby. Every baby is different. Some have stronger needs for attention than others do. At 12 months please don't think he is "turning out" into anything yet. He's got a lot of growing to do yet. : High needs babies are rough.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by LindsG

Because it seems my son is turning out to be exactly opposite of what AP parenting claims to do!

Your son isn't "turning out" to be anything yet. He's still just a baby!

Hang in there, mama. Your son is high needs, and that's tough. I think it's especially tough for a first-time mom, because first-time moms are usually less confident (usually - I think I'm less so with each kid!), and more easily rattled by other people's opinions.

Your son knows he's safe with you. Maybe he's less secure with your MIL or the nursery?

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Your son knows he's safe with you. Maybe he's less secure with your MIL or the nursery?

I doubt it. A LOT of kids (including my own) are more demanding of their primary caregivers. DS tries to get away with a lot more from me than from DH or his grandparents or any of the other moms we do playdates with. I think it's pretty typical.

ETA: This is one of the ways you may be able to tell if you are headed down the road to "smothering." If you think your LO can't be without you EVER, or you're the only one who can meet his/her needs, you might be a smotherer. I realize I'll probably get called out on that, but it's the way I see it.

[liliaceae]

The clinginess is totally normal for that age. And the reason he's difficult with you, and not with other people, is because he trusts you and knows you will accept him at his worst.

I would never expect a 12 month old to be able to play independently for any length of time. Maybe some can, but I don't think that's the norm at all.

Every child is different, and yes some people have easygoing kids that play independently and sleep through the night, but I doubt it's the result of their parenting choices.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by gcgirl

I doubt it. A LOT of kids (including my own) are more demanding of their primary caregivers. DS tries to get away with a lot more from me than from DH or his grandparents or any of the other moms we do playdates with. I think it's pretty typical.

Yes, it's typical...and there's a widespread belief that it's typical because children feel more secure with the primary caregiver. They don't feel any need to be on their "company manners", so to speak.

ETA: This is one of the ways you may be able to tell if you are headed down the road to "smothering." If you think your LO can't be without you EVER, or you're the only one who can meet his/her needs, you might be a smotherer. I realize I'll probably get called out on that, but it's the way I see it.

Maybe. But, high needs kids are high needs kids. Meeting their needs can be really difficult, very draining and take a lot of time getting to know what's going on with them. Mind you, I can see your point, especially if someone isn't even okay leaving the child with the other parent (barring flat out abuse, of course).

[annekh23]

Quick reality check, are you talking to him? Sounds silly, but it doesn't come naturally for everyone. So with going to the toilet, I've actually set up DDs main play area so it's line of sight from the toilet if I stick my head out, even if she's playing quite happily, she almost always fusses if I go in there, but if I actually tell her what I'm about to do, it works out better!

It may also be that MIL and church daycare are "good" times of day which you don't notice so much if you are with them all day. Different environments help too, everyone comments how smiley and happy DD is when we're out and how they've never seen her cry, I think she saves her crying for home and in the car!

[AirMiami]

Couldn't read and not reply. We're in the same boat, I can assure you of this. My daughter, who has always been quite high needs, has become very spirited on top of that lately. I have no answers, but at least I can commiserate! I am not a drinker, and I crave a stiff drink every. single. night. after I put her to bed.

[ps4624]

I'm right there with you and posted a similiar question last week. I think you know in your heart you're parenting him the way he needs to be parented, it's just some days are more overwhelming than others. My DD has been very, very, very high needs lately (even more so than usual) and requiring every drop of patience I ever possessed. Yesterday, she woke up and walked down the hall like it was something she'd done every day of her life!

I think high needs babies get even more so as the approach major mile stones. Just try and relax a little (also, please remind me that I said that the next time I post!).

Good luck to you, mama

[Tjej]

Have you considered/used sign lanugage? I found that giving my children a non-whining way to communicate their needs and wants made that age/stage a LOT easier. Then if they'd whine, I'd help them do the sign or do it to them and they'd stop whining and do it back.

Tjej

[mamazee]

12-month-olds are still very much babies. They haven't "turned out to be" anything, and they are at the height of separation anxiety so it's not an easy stage. Be patient, mama!

[KorbanJ08]

[Have I created this?? Is this normal at this stage and he'll just outgrow this?

I would have to say NO and YES. Your not doing anything wrong at least from what I read in your comment. And he just might wake up one morning and start playing by himself in his crib.
My son who is 18 months now, went through very similar problems only I had to take him with me to the bathroom cause he would just get hysterical when I closed the door. He would cry when I was on the phone, he would cry when he was in his high chair, when I was doing dishes etc... he wanted to be with me all the time.
Than one day he just stopped. Now he plays by himself, shuts me out of rooms, asks to get into his high chair and is very pleasant most days. I don't know what happened but just know it will pass. We still have not resolved the sleep issue, but I think that will get better soon too.

Momma to a perfect toddler

[thedenverduo]

I think the almost-walking explains a lot. Babies (even the most independent) seem to need mom a lot more right before they make a big milestone like walking. Almost like "Ok mom, I'm thinking about doing this, but it's kind of scary. You have my back right?" Two steps forward and one step back. So I would take hope that this 'phase' means he'll be walking soon!

[LynnS6]

Just to second what everyone else is saying:

Developmentally, this is normal. It's separation anxiety. He can let it all loose with you because he feels so comfortable. The fact that he can happily stay with others is also a testament to his strong attachment to you.

If it helps, I disliked the toddler stages. Once they got a lot of language, life was a lot easier for me and them. But the 12-16 month old period where there are strong feelings, big developmental leaps and not enough language was hard on us.

The older my kids get (they're 5 and 8 now) the more I see the benefits of that early attachment. They're happy, confident kids. They're kind and responsible. They're not perfect, but they're good kids.

[ashleyhaugh]

after working in the infant room at a daycare for years, ive noticed babies get sort of crazy around the 1yr mark. i call it 1yr old puberty, lol. there is so much going on, and they get so emotional, its almost like having a preteen i think

[racheepoo]

You have just described my entire first year of parenting my son. He was extremely high needs, usually responded that way mostly to me (but I'd pay for it later if someone else had him), and I was getting a lot of flack.

Relax, it will smooth out. You're being the best mama you can to him, by being responsive to his needs. And respectfully, you can't let anyone else's opinion, criticism, or attitude sway you from parenting from your heart.

It is hard, and sometimes seems scary and not worth it. But someday you'll turn around--like I just did tonight--and see an almost-6 year old looking back at you telling you he loves you before scampering off to play. Then you'll know you've done it right.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by LindsG

But instead, he'll hover at my feet and want to be held, but not want to be held, and cling and whine and cling and whine ALLLLLLLL DAYYY.

This sounds a bit like boredom. Are you two getting out and doing things? Taking walks, going to LLL meetings, etc. My DS had a very high need (still does at almost 4yo) for stimulation.

ETA: we started Music Together classes at around a year and DS loved them.

[Sierra]

Whatever happened to longterm goals in parenting?

If this all came from stuff your husband says, I assure you he's jumping the gun at least nineteen years too soon.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Sierra

Whatever happened to longterm goals in parenting?

Yes, yes, yes. To me AP is difficult in that it takes more patience and is a longer process. We went through a stage with DS when he would have terrible tantrums multiple times daily. There were plenty of days I questioned whether our process to help him learn to use appropriate words, work through the problem, etc. was ever going to work versus being mean to him or punishing him. Eventually it did work! Plus now I can see that compared to most non-AP peers I've seen, he's better at working through problems whereas they tend to be focused on not getting in trouble. So...that's a long way to say that AP I think feels more painstaking sometimes, but it's definitely worth it in the long run.

As for your specific little guy, remember that he's only 12 months old. He's still tiny! Don't feel badly about going to the bathroom without him. Put him somewhere safe and go to the bathroom. Gentle reminders that you'll be right back are fine. He may very well be upset. That's okay, but it's a learning process for him that 1) others have needs that get to be met, too, and 2) you'll come back to get him.

Many little ones are on their best behavior when they're in new situations - i.e. the church nursery. They're unsure about what's going on, what's expected, and they tend to be really subdued. It's not a sign of the quality of their care versus yours - more an expression of his comfort level. As for Grandma, I know my MIL is likely to say the kids were "great" because you know, she's Grandma. She just sees them that way, so I don't necessarily take my MIL's report as gospel but just trust that she'll tell me about any major problems they had.

[madskye]

I would say the fact that he did well with the church daycare and your MIL points to your doing something right!

I only have one DD, and her stages and changes always surprized me. I think you should be responsive to your baby, but keep in mind that changes come--one month he might need you all the time, the next month he might grow a bit more independent. Try to stop and think sometimes about whether you are picking him up because you always do, or whether this is something he can try to do on his own.

Whining is the pits--I second the person who asked if you are talking to him? I think it's ok to let him know that whining isn't acceptable. Just say "No whining! Say Mommy!" or I'm hungry! etc in a non-whiny tone of voice. It might even help you to verbalize what he's feeling.

He's too young to play alone--but I notice you mention putting him in his walker like that's a bad thing. If he is HAPPY there, listen to that. My daughter had a vibrating seat that soothed her that she loved--I didn't keep her out of it because I thought it was more AP to have her in the sling, you know?