lesson of broken window

[gamama]

Our 8 yo son just stayed overnight with his friend, a 6 yo boy. They were playing and a 100+ etched window was broken. Our ds didn't actually throw the thing that broke the window, but he was a part of the play and feels partially responsible. He feels terrible and apologized at the time. He was taken home shortly after mostly because it was time to come home. These are friends of ours and the father is pretty upset about the window (original window, can't be replaced, really expensive, etc).

Any ideas of what you would do/help him do to make it right?

[lilyka]

pay for his half. If the parents won't accept money perhaps there are some chores him and friend can do to pay for it.

these things happen. to adults as well as children. there is no taking it back but an adult would be expected to pay for it. as would my children. (depending on how the other parent wanted to handle it I would put up the money and deal with child working it off etc) unless the parent would be willing to take payments from child.

and while he did technically break the window he was part of the recklessness that broke it. he is just as responsible as the other kid.

The neighbor boy broke a car window by throwing rocks at it. my dd was blamed (she was two. I highly doubt she was able to chuck a little rock hard enough to break a car window as it sped by) but she was just as responsible as the little boy. I ended up oaying for all of it since it happened in my yard and the little boy was a completely unsupervised neighborhood troubloe maker......but I digress. My point is, it doesn't matter who actually broke it. my child was involved so I paid my part.

[junipermuse]

If these are good friends and you feel the friendship might suffer otherwise than I might offer to pay for a portion of the cost of the window, but I don't necessarily think you and your son should be held responsible. If your child was visiting without you at the time and you had entrusted these friends with his care and supervision than they should have been watching to make sure the children played in a safe manner. I don't think an 8 year old always has the foresight to know that playing certain games may break things. Also if another child had started the game, your son may have gone along with it just thinking it was a game they were allowed to play. I just wouldn't want my child carrying too much of the emotional burden over something like this when he wasn't being properly supervised. However for the sake of helping him feel better, you might suggest he write an apology card and offer to do some chores to help pay back the cost of the window.

[VisionaryMom]

If it were at my house, I would expect my children to help with the process of replacing the window, whether that's actual physical labor or the process of purchasing a new window. The issue to me isn't the money so much as the responsibility factor. It's a pita to go through a home repair, especially when it's unexpected, so I think those responsible for the broken window should have to participate in the replacement process.

[gamama]

The money issue is hard because it is "irreplaceable" and I don't think they will replace it with another antique window. So I am thinking we should pick an amount and it will represent the responsibility of it.

I also want him to take part in it somehow, and yet don't want him (or us) to feel guilty about it every time we go over there. I don't understand how they were playing right there, but kids are kids and they are having so much fun they don't think. No excuse, but it is also a beautiful thing about being a kid.

DS did start the game, but he is older and wouldn't have thrown it to break the window. In his mind it was safe, but he doesn't think what is safe for a 6 yo to play/do.

In some ways they have both been punished...his friend was supposed to be able to come over to our house after and that didn't happen. So I too don't want to add any more emotion burden. I just want him to learn responsibility and how to make something right.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by gamama

He feels terrible.

I can understand that the father is upset. Some of that is just upset over the lost, irreplaceable window, and probably not blame. He'd be similarly upset if a tree fell through the window, kwim? I'd explain that part to my dc: that the magnitude of upset about the window does not nec equal the magnitude of upset with the child.

Have you asked your ds how he would like to help make it right? I do think you (the parents) should contribute to the cost of a new window, but your ds can write a heartfelt note of apology that would show he does accept responsibility for what happened.

[JoanCrawford]

I think the most important thing you should emphasize to him is that nobody got hurt, so everything is okay and he should really try to avoid those situations in the future. Use it as a lesson to teach him about roughhousing and responsible play.

[ChristyMarie]

What if you involve him in research and a search to find a close replacement? There are companies who do reproduction glass according to the original techniques. Then pay half.

[betsyj]

Originally Posted by JoanCrawford

I think the most important thing you should emphasize to him is that nobody got hurt, so everything is okay and he should really try to avoid those situations in the future. Use it as a lesson to teach him about roughhousing and responsible play.

Except it isn't ok. We aren't talking about a lamp from Target that can easily be replaced. I own a 100 yr old house with stained glass windows that I LOVE. If one was broken I would be crushed and very upset. It is one of my favorite features of my house and represents a time when builders took their time and added beautiful and unexpected touches.

I wouldn't hate your son or anything, but it might take me a bit of time to get over the damage-not because I am a bad person but because it is something that defines my house.

So, I really understand where the Dad is coming from. I also think looking into replacing it is a grand idea, but it will most likely be very expensive. Leaded and stained glass window making is an art and when I got an estimate to replace a small window in a cabinet it was more then $250.

[smpayne]

It costs more than $250 to replace a standard single pane window. Have had to do it more than once. I even had to pay when a neighbors window was broken becasue other neighbor kids were throwing rocks from my back yard.

Offer to pay 1/2 his insurance deductible, that's what it is for. Not only that, if your kid had been hurt from the glass (or the item that was thrown), you would be within your rights to go after medical payments (here in CA the med insurance co would try go after the homeowner for payment). See if the homeowner would give your ds some chores to do in re-payment.

If the window was THAT important, no child should have been anywhere near it without adult suppervision. There is a difference between normal little boy play and deliberate vandalisim, especially since your ds didn't actually throw the item.

[AbbieB]

You know, if something in my house was broken because of kid's play (not deliberately or out of mischievous behavior) I think as the adult I would just have to suck it up. Things get broken. That's life. Of course I would be mad or upset, I'm human. But I think that what kids under my supervision do is partly my responsibility. I would never think to ask the other parents to pay for something like this.

OP, I think in your situation you should focus on your son's feelings. If he feels remorseful and wants to make amends than support that and brainstorm with him something realistic and appropriate to do. Maybe that's offering to pay for part of the replacement value of the window. Maybe it's writing a letter. You and your son can figure that out.

It's a tricky situation to me since my personal feelings as a host of a play date that ended badly would be different than the mother of the child involved in the window breaking.

I can see that offering to pay COULD be the polite thing to do, but I do not believe it is the only thing one can/should do, KWIM?

[fyrwmn]

i agree with having him write an apology note, as well as offering to help pay to replace the window. i understand being upset because the window is irreplaceable, but it wasn't like it was intentionally broken. at what point does the punishment force the focus to be on "things" and how important they are rather than people? no one got hurt and that's the biggest thing! a window is just a thing, no matter how beautiful, old, etc it was. our house is 150+ yrs old, and if something irreplaceable got broken, i'd be thankful that no one got hurt and honestly figure it was all part of having kids. let's face it, they don't always have the best judgement and sometimes things get broken.

[LynnS6]

For something irreplaceable like this, I would encourage my son to write a card saying how sorry he was.

Then, I, as the adult, would offer to pay 1/2 the deductible. Since there really isn't a fault here, I wouldn't want my child to feel responsible for paying. And since he can't really help replace it, I think the best amends he can make is to give a heartfelt apology to the family.